Congress OKs Fist Fights

(Warshington) The United States Congress today passed legislation that makes fist fighting legal within the confines of 50 states. The somewhat controversial decision came after three hours of filibustering on campaign reform and the legality of tobacco products.

Here’s what happened: During the last half hour segment of the debate, just as it appeared that some agreement might be reached a senator from South Carolina took a swing at a senator from California. It had something to do with the former’s failure to support a recent bill on illegal immigration. Then a senator from Maine, angry over the weather, landed a left to the chops of a senator from New Mexico.

Old wounds opened. Black eyes closed up. Ohio fighting with Texas over the minimum wage, the much respected senator from Mississippi sucker punching the honorable senator from Oregon. Unresolved conflicts over foreign affairs exploded while petty jealousies and back-room concessions led to more fisticuffs.

Before long the situation turned into a brawl with the sergeant-at-arms up to his butt in blood and broken bones. The doors were secured, lobbyists ejected. “Somebody pull the plug on C-Span before the voters see this!”

When the gold dust had settled the entire senate was a wreck. Gangs of elected officials, armed with clubs fashioned from furniture and dining room silverware glared at each other across the chambers. Then, much like the way the fracas began, it ended leaving an ashamed legislative body wondering how to cover its esteemed posterior.

Finally a freshmen senator from Hawaii grabbed the gavel and called for order. Quiet descended as the entire senate attempted to blend into the curtains, to crawl under established protocol.

“Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their nation,” typed a court clerk. “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog!” shouted a response. Soon the entire body of elected representatives had rolled up its shirtsleeves and was actually making progress, acting on legislation that had been tabled for months.

“Sometimes you just got to break the ice,” said Senator Oral Noise, “or a few noses and teeth to get the ball rolling. Most of us spend 90% of our time campaigning. We forgot how much fun it is to hang out in Washington and make new laws.”

After the remarkably functional session, the minority whip suggested that the senate adopt fist fighting as an integral part of negotiation, at least within the executive committees. The head of the Ways and Means Committee echoed approval saying fist fighting should be named the National Sport, replacing pro wrestling or Nascar.

“We may have to make a few hospital runs but we certainly get a lot more done,” said Noise. “Maybe we should apply our new discovery to the population as a whole.”

There you go…Noise’s motion, quickly seconded was passed by an astounding majority. Approval in the House appears to be no more than a formality. Then it will go to the President’s desk.

“We expect the President to sign the bill into law,” said Noise. “He’s always looking for some chance to show that he’s a tough guy with the oil and gas lobbies. Who knows, perhaps he could convince the Israelis and Palestinians to embrace fisticuffs as a viable way to solve their conflicts.”

Critics of the legislation say the senate only passed the bill to legitimatize its own embarrassing deeds. They say the Haymaker Bill, as it is now being called in liberal quarters, is unfair, primitive and violent, and has no place in civilized society. Others say tolerating a few fist fights is a matter of states’ rights and that the feds should stick to building missile defense systems and honing illegal taxation techniques.

“Back in the 1700s if one man insulted another he could legally slap the offender in the face and challenge him to a duel. Sure, people got shot but we didn’t have a lot of road warriors flipping off fellow motorists. Maybe if we kept this kind of philosophy alive we wouldn’t have invented nuclear weapons,” snorted Noise.

Proponents of the measure hope that it will placate European nations who have been critical of capital punishment in the U.S..

“Maybe they will again see us as kissing cousins who prefer to take a misunderstanding outside and avoid making a scene at the big dance,” said one senator. “We are still at the beginning stages and will need to establish the specifics regarding what is appropriate behavior and what is a fair target. What’s important is that a simple swing has provided a laxative for a long constipated institution. As Americans we should all connect!”

While the proposed legislation wanders about in checks and balances cyberspace, members of the senate will attend anger management seminars in the morning, view John Wayne movies at lunch break and spend the afternoons on the speed bag. – Kashmir Horseshoe


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