Paper Pledges to Investigate Fictitious Characters

(Ouray) Editors at a local paper here have promised to step-up background checks on an assortment of fictitious characters. It is feared that many of the made-up personalities, that wander the streets of Ouray, and the pages of the San Juan Horseshoe may be wanted felons, suspected terrorists and other deviants deserving of justice.

In the past the paper has not taken these personalities seriously seeing them as simply fictitious, with silly names, incapable of acting on their own. But now, with increased security, phone tapping, detainments and sophisticated witch hunts it has become clear that these pretend people could be a threat.

“We’ve got flags up everywhere so nobody will think we’re not cooperating with King George,” said one editor. “No one is beyond suspicion.”

Critics of the paper say the investigations are only a smoke screen aimed at taking heat off a bucolic editorial policy centered on little or nothing. In defense of policy, one editorial page piece suggests that the American people have been in the political darkroom for so long that they “can no longer tell boiled eggs from electric eels.”

“It’s the perfect opportunity to show our patriotism,” said the editor. “We are in compliance with the federal charade. They make it look like they have matters in hand. We make it look like we’re getting tough with pretend people. Everybody’s happy. The nice thing here is that we don’t have to have executions or military tribunals–We just stop writing about them and they just go away.”

In a related development many in the local media here favor a plan that would put burned-out INS agents in more manageable positions in federal airport security.

“Despite the fact that the agency failed miserably in the area of security prior to September 11 we think they’ll make a fine addition to our newly emerging team,” said one former INS agent turned metal detection specialist. “OK, so a few dozen terrorists slipped by us at the border…that don’t make us bad people.”

Sources at The Horseshoe told reporters that all of its fictitious characters have legal alien status with current visas updated.

Coming up: Executives at the paper plan to form a inter-office agency dubbed Operation Paper Cut, to combat terrorism in the office.

– Lawrence Elk

 

 

 

ST. ROSCOE APPEARS TO WAL-MART SHOPPERS

(Montrose) The patron of excessive consumerism, St. Roscoe of Mesquite, reportedly appeared to several hundred Wal-Mart enthusiasts as they blindly left the outlet Friday. The change of season generates colossal throngs of witless vendees and countless millions of dollars for the Arkansas- based discount house as mindless shopping herds get ready for summer.

St. Roscoe urged the faithful to spend more money, often physically pushing some of the fringe element back into the store. He assured late arrivals and the uninitiated that they would be rewarded for spending right up to the limit on their credit cards.

“It’s all fine and dandy to spend card money on items marked down from the regular price,” proclaimed St. Roscoe.

The last documented sighting of the consumer saint occurred two years ago when St. Roscoe appeared to a contingent of gamblers enjoying the new casinos in Cripple Creek. That time he showed up in a powder blue leisure suit and white loafers. This latest visit featured Roscoe in a more subtle getup characterized by a plumed top hat made in Canada, Palestinian fatigues and beaded moccasins made in Taiwan. This ensemble was underscored by green and white Dutch argyle socks and a snappy Mexican bolo tie presented to Roscoe by the now disgraced  governor of Sonora in 1983. A crisp, silk Parisian cape complimented the entire costume emphasizing the saint’s loyalty to mass marketing and lip service to products made in the U.S.A.

“The frugal shall inherit the earth while the spendthrift shall enter the Kingdom of Mass Merchandizing,” wailed Roscoe from his new found perch above a line of shopping carts. Give Caesar what is Caesar’s and give Wal-Mart the rest.”

The saint then used a fender-bender as a diversion, stole a 1979 Ford station wagon from the parking lot and headed off toward Gunnison. He has not been seen since.

TOOLE APPOINTED TO HIGHWAY PANEL

(Naco) Newspaper legend Melvin Toole has apparently been appointed top dog of the Sonoran Highway Commission for 1994. Toole will reportedly be responsible for highway improvements, maintenance and traffic flow until a suitable replacement can be found.

Readers may recall that it was the maverick Toole who took on Tamil rebels to chip and seal most of Sri Lanka in 1987. In 1989 he headed a ragamuffin battery of anarchists who succeeded in painting yellow lines all over the Alaskan Highway as far north as Haines Junction. It was for this feat that Toole was given the Chickaloon Star by Exxon Oil Company.

Toole angrily denied rumors that he would fill all chuckholes from Agua Prieta to Guaymas saying that he would first consult his astrological chart.

“If the stars are not aligned in our favor we will do nothing at this time,” explained Toole. “Besides, if we remove the chuckholes we change the very nature of the highway. If it weren’t for the chuckholes motorists couldn’t tell if they were on the road or off it!”

 

Cosmo’s Stellar Astrograph

The following star chart, as accurate as any other silly horoscope that one may encounter, is meant only as worthless entertainment and not an astral guide. If our frank, candid appraisal of your future is bitter or seemingly insensitive consider for a moment that this is February and we are desperately attempting to get our many houses in order for spring cleaning. We will attempt to be kinder, far more compassionate soothsayers after the passing of what we used to call mud season.

 

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Stop collecting aluminum cans. There are souls to be saved before the dawn. Only 49% of aluminum is actual aluminum while souls are lighter and easier to store. Exposure to the mundane will make your own life seem more eventful. Use your imagination as a door stop. Go to sleep early tonight so as to avoid insomnia. Nipping at the heels of the mainstream may result in you being left toothless for the next wave of barbarians. Avoid general assimilation especially if you are not familiar with its long range affects. Tonight: Spend time under water.

 

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Watermelon dawns could bring on exotic afternoons and seedy evenings. Encourage humidity. Practice squinting. The dog has run off with the town cat, the litter box is full of junk mail and your pet hamsters are in open revolt. Take them all to the pound. Recycle personal debts. If you can’t be seaside at least spend quality time at the fish market. Examine the practical applications of physics in your romantic life. Isn’t it time you memorize your multiplication tables, and that says nothing of the chairs.

 

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Open your mind but keep a fine screen in place over such apertures. Choose your vices carefully and lead by dangling limited charms. Let life evolve, not dissolve. Let a pile be your umbrella. People will buy you rounds of drinks in the morning. It’s during the mid-afternoon lull that you must embrace reality. Switch to oleo in early morning solitude. Barbara Streisand will phone you in reference to your latest postings on kosher gargling techniques.

 

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

While canned foods appear to be your salvation it is the perishables that will prove clear headed at moments of rapaciousness. Look through the mirror and all that makeup will seem inappropriate. Are there really suburbs in outer space? Who will step forward and compensate the eager innkeeper for these last barrages of intoxicants. It is not I, your less than noble kinsman, Basanio. Eleventh hour heroes are ineffective in conflicts surrounding the dinner table. An army travels on its stomach. Breathing through one’s naval could net a dandy commission in the height of battle.

 

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Squirrels are your equals, your colleagues, your peers.   Do not go near the barber until he’s had a shot or two. That razor-sharp wit of yours could be cut down to size in the padded, swirling furniture of personal hygiene. Recognize challenges and flee. You will attend a loud breakfast meeting followed by an annoying journey through lands so flat even your horizons are looking good. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat. It was hair balls. Do your part to pollute the planet. Tonight: A chainsaw speaks louder than words.

 

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Wander only the best sections of town. If you are looking for Lady Luck and/or Mr. Gumbo skim over the RV parks. Take long breaks during labors of the mind and short ones during labors of the flesh. Every six minutes is a good rule of thumb. Stress is harmless just as long as it is someone else experiencing the trauma. If you are a vegetarian EAT THIS PAPER! You’re in cattle country, pard. Shine your shoes. A picky Venus enters your third dimension. During this new cycle of love and intimacy be sure that someone volunteers to take out the garbage. Succumb to the pleasures of true adventure while the blinking light reads “Walk”.

 

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Sure, that last charge was ineffective but I think the Visigoths are growing tired. There is less responsibility in being the mouse than there is in being the cat. Don’t even worry about being the dog. It’s always better to be eaten alive than to be saved as bait for some future debauchery. Quit complaining: Imagine what it’s like for your bathroom in the morning. Hope reigns eternal. It’s faith that keeps taking all the direct hits. Penetrating conflicts will emerge as rivers of milk and honey but only if you compile a legible  grocery list.

 

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Innuendo is only innuendo unless it’s in the key of G. Take heart. Broken promises are not refundable. That would bring the system of checks and balances to its knobby knees. Go to the beach and stay there until the surf improves. Tardiness is always inexcusable if you intend to go home early. The gas that was once liquid in your tank is now no more than a fume somewhere. Learn from the simulated experience. If a wizard gives away all of his advice will he still be a wizard? Tonight: Pep talk to house plants.

 

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Is laying rubber on asphalt the best way to leave your mark on society? Signal before turning that ship of fools. A parrot kept in a cage since birth rarely knows that August follows July but his meals are generally delivered on time. Ponder the possibility of night life on other planets. Life is not twist-off! If you find it difficult to get out of bed every morning imagine how hard it would be if you didn’t go there in the first place. When engaging in simple gardening try to employ the mind over mater concept.

 

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Know that your heart strings are being manipulated by the moons of Jupiter, your spleen by the chariots of Mercury and your liver by that dusty glass bottle of Old Charter. Adjust wings for high altitude. Your brain remains at flood stage and the hardware store is out of sand bags. Embrace the eclectic fan. In a fist fight lead with your face. It’s not that you are tortoise slow it’s just that your shell has lapped you going into the stretch. Be careful not to spill white noise onto your aura. You’ll never get the stain out.

 

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Time spent waiting for the toilet tank to fill could be used more effectively. How many trees does it take to create a roll of discount toilet paper? Let your mind go and your body will surely follow. Isolate weak spots located between your shoulders. Hitting a home run on the first date could jeopardize away game status and result in an unwanted home stand.  Watch out for roundhouse curves and keep your infield fly zipped so as not to be accused of grandstanding. Stealing right field, while quite an accomplishment to some, will never make it into the box scores.

 

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

There’s just not room in this horoscope for the both of you. Learn to tolerate incompetence especially when it is your own. It’s the cornucopia of ill virtue that sees you through.  Make good on verbal threats. Give the antagonist a way out of the corner or he could turn into a more forceful opponent. Applied violence could help you in the end. Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself since there is clearly no immediate run on that particular commodity. Duck when walking under the ladder of success. Integrity will not be found at the bottom of the barrel nor amid the foam at the top.

Copyright 2013 by the Astrological Cavalry, 

General Kashmir Horseshoe, CSA, acting demagogue.

 

Astrógrafo Stellar Cosmo

La tabla siguiente estrella, tan exacto como cualquier otro horóscopo tonto que uno puede encontrar, se entiende sólo como un entretenimiento sin valor y no una guía astral. Si nuestra evaluación franca y sincera de su futuro es amargo o aparentemente insensible Consideremos por un momento que se trata de febrero y estamos tratando desesperadamente de poner nuestra casa en orden para muchos limpieza de primavera. Haremos lo posible por ser amable, adivinos mucho más compasivos después del paso de lo que solíamos llamar temporada barro.

CANCER (Junio ​​21 – Julio 22)

Deje de recogida de latas de aluminio. Hay almas que salvar antes del amanecer. Sólo el 49% del aluminio es de aluminio real, mientras que las almas son más ligeros y más fáciles de almacenar. La exposición a lo mundano hará que su propia vida parece más lleno de acontecimientos. Use su imaginación como un tope de la puerta. Ve a dormir temprano esta noche, para evitar el insomnio. Pisándole los talones a la corriente principal puede resultar en que se deja sin dientes para la próxima ola de bárbaros. Evite asimilación general, especialmente si usted no está familiarizado con su largo alcance afecta. Esta Noche: Pase tiempo bajo el agua.

LEO (julio 23-agosto 22)

Sandía amanece podría traer en las tardes y noches exóticas de mala muerte. Anime a la humedad. Practique entrecerrando los ojos. El perro se ha escapado con el gato de la ciudad, la caja de arena está llena de correo basura y los hámsters están en rebelión abierta. Tome todos ellos a la perrera. Recicle deudas personales. Si usted no puede estar junto al mar por lo menos pasar tiempo de calidad en el mercado de pescado. Examine las aplicaciones prácticas de la física en su vida romántica. ¿No es tiempo a memorizar las tablas de multiplicar, y que no dice nada de las sillas.

VIRGO (agosto 23-septiembre 22)

Abra su mente, sino mantener una malla fina en su lugar sobre tales aberturas. Elija cuidadosamente sus vicios y predicar con el encanto colgando limitados. Deja que la vida evoluciona, no se disuelven. Que un montón ser su paraguas. La gente va a comprar rondas de bebidas en la mañana. Es durante la pausa de media tarde que se debe aceptar la realidad. Cambiar a oleo en la soledad de la madrugada. Barbara Streisand le llamará en referencia a sus últimas publicaciones en técnicas gárgaras kosher.

LIBRA (septiembre 23-octubre 22)

Mientras que los alimentos enlatados parece ser su salvación son los productos perecederos que demostrarán claramente dirigido a los momentos de rapacidad. Mire por el espejo y todo ese maquillaje se parece inapropiado. ¿Existen realmente los suburbios en el espacio exterior? ¿Quién dará un paso adelante y compensar el posadero ávido de estos últimos bombardeos de bebidas alcohólicas. No soy yo, el menos noble pariente, Basanio. Héroes Eleventh Hour son ineficaces en los conflictos en torno a la mesa del comedor. Un ejército viaja en su estómago. Respirar por la propia naval podría neto de una comisión dandy en la altura de la batalla.

ESCORPION (octubre 23 a noviembre 21)

Las ardillas son tus iguales, tus colegas, tus compañeros. No se acerque a la peluquería hasta que él ha tenido un tiro o dos. Ese ingenio afilado de los suyos podría reducir el tamaño de los muebles acolchados, remolino de la higiene personal. Reconocer los retos y huir. Usted asistirá a un desayuno fuerte seguido de un viaje molesto por tierras tan plana incluso sus horizontes se ven bien. La curiosidad no mató al gato. Fue bolas de pelo. Haga su parte para contaminar el planeta. Esta Noche: Una motosierra es más elocuente que las palabras.

SAGITARIO (noviembre 22 a diciembre 21)

Pasee sólo las mejores partes de la ciudad. Si usted está buscando y Lady Luck / o el Sr. Gumbo descremada en los parques de RV. Tome descansos largos durante los trabajos de la mente y corto durante labores de la carne. Cada seis minutos es una buena regla del pulgar. El estrés es inofensivo tal de que es otra persona experimentar el trauma. Si usted es vegetariano COMER ESTE LIBRO! Estás en región ganadera, compañero. Shine sus zapatos. Un exigente Venus entra en su tercera dimensión. En este nuevo ciclo de amor e intimidad estar seguro de que alguien voluntarios para sacar la basura. Déjese llevar por los placeres de la verdadera aventura, mientras que la luz parpadeante indica “Walk”.

CAPRICORNIO (diciembre 22 a enero 19)

Claro, eso último cargo fue ineficaz, pero creo que los visigodos se están cansando. Hay menos responsabilidad de ser el ratón que hay en ser el gato. No te preocupes por ser el perro. Siempre es mejor ser comido vivo que se salven como cebo para un poco de libertinaje futuro. Deja de quejarte: Imagínese lo que es para su cuarto de baño de la mañana. Esperanza reina eterna. Es la fe que sigue teniendo todos los accesos directos. Conflictos penetrantes va a surgir como ríos de leche y miel, pero sólo si se compila una lista de la compra legible.

ACUARIO (enero 20 a febrero 18)

Innuendo es solo insinuaciones a menos que sea en la tonalidad de G. ¡Ánimo. Promesas rotas no son reembolsables. Eso haría que el sistema de controles y equilibrios a sus rodillas huesudas. Ir a la playa y quedarse allí hasta que el oleaje mejora. Llegar tarde es siempre inexcusable si va a ir a casa temprano. El gas que fue una vez el líquido en el tanque ya no es más que un lugar de extracción. Aprender de la experiencia simulada. Si un mago regala todos sus consejos serán todavía ser un mago? Esta Noche: charla a las plantas de la casa.

PISCIS (Febrero 19 – MARZO 20)

Es por caucho en el asfalto la mejor manera de dejar su huella en la sociedad? Señal antes de girar la nave de los necios. Un loro en una jaula desde su nacimiento rara vez sabe que agosto sigue julio, pero las comidas son generalmente entregados a tiempo. Considere la posibilidad de la vida nocturna en otros planetas. La vida no es twist-off! Si le resulta difícil salir de la cama cada mañana imaginar lo difícil que sería si no fuimos allí en primer lugar. Al participar en jardinería sencillo tratar de emplear el concepto de la mente sobre la mater.

ARIES (MARZO 21 – 19 de abril)

Saber que sus cuerdas del corazón están siendo manipulados por las lunas de Júpiter, el bazo por los carros de Mercurio y de su hígado por la botella de vidrio con polvo de Carta Vieja. Ajuste alas para gran altitud. Su cerebro se mantiene en el nivel de inundación y la ferretería está fuera de bolsas de arena. Abraza el ventilador ecléctico. En una ventaja de pelea a puñetazos con su cara. No es que usted es lenta tortuga es sólo que su concha se ha rodado va en la recta final. Tenga cuidado de no derramar el ruido blanco en su aura. Nunca vas a quitar la mancha.

TAURO (Abril 20 – MAYO 20)

Tiempo de espera para el tanque del inodoro para llenar podrían utilizarse más eficazmente. ¿Cuántos árboles se necesitan para crear un rollo de papel higiénico descuento? Deja que tu mente y tu cuerpo va a seguir sin duda. Aislar los puntos débiles situados entre los hombros. Golpear un jonrón en la primera cita podría poner en peligro el estado del juego lejos y dar lugar a una posición no deseada hogar. Cuidado con las curvas de la casa de máquinas y mantener su infield fly con cremallera, para no ser acusado de grandilocuencia. Robar el jardín derecho, mientras que un gran logro para algunos, nunca lo hará en las cuentas de la caja.

GEMINIS (Mayo 21 – Junio ​​20)

No hay apenas espacio en este horóscopo para los dos de usted. Aprender a tolerar la incompetencia especialmente cuando es su propio. Es el cuerno de la abundancia de virtud enfermo que ve a través. Haga sus amenazas verbales. Dar el antagonista de una forma de salir de la esquina o que podría convertirse en un adversario más poderoso. Violencia aplicada podría ayudarle en el final. Aprende a disfrutar pasar tiempo con usted mismo ya que claramente no hay plazo inmediato sobre ese producto en particular. Pato al caminar bajo la escalera del éxito. La integridad no se puede encontrar en la parte inferior del barril ni en medio de la espuma en la parte superior.

 

—-BULLETIN—-

Rove “interested” in Pontiff Position

(Roma) Super PAC inspiration, Karl Rove, has expressed guarded interest in a Papal opening

created by the announced resignation of Pope Benedict XVI today. Rove, the architect of beguiling and delusional Presidential campaigns in the U.S. is acknowledged as the premier propagandist and master of  deceit.

The Pope’s decision to step down, the first of his stripe to do so in six centuries, came as a shock to the Roman Catholic hierarchy, which already embroiled in Lent and under the gun in sex abuse cases all over the globe. The Tweeter Pope, as Benedict has come to be known, was also having trouble adding and subtracting in Roman numerals.

“The Holy Father could not even tell you what Super Bowl he was watching and he bet on the 49ers,” said one up-and-coming Cardinal, his eyes on the Cat-Bird Seat in the Popemobile.

The Pontiff who says he wants to “retire while I’m still kickin” will drain the Vatican coffers and redistribute the estimated billions to the impoverished of Latin America.

“Like hell he will,” said the red-robed cleric.

Whether or not the potentially empty coffers will affect the evil genius Rove’s pursuits is anyone’s guess. One controversial Venetian bishop suggested that the Pope was “well within his rights” to give away the money, accumulated since the Dark Ages.

“We’ve finally gotten around to doing what Jesus told us to do 2000 years ago,” he smiled.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

 

“Monkey wrench the Mother Frackers!”

 

The Cocoa Coast – Bahia, Brasil

Idyllic Bahia…
where they brag on old age,
tropical children and laughing family.
On crooked milk crates, houses behind them,
leaned against whitewash
and watching the bay.

Dandelion Coconut Palms
rooted in the bonds of ancient days,
promised salvation on the next wave.
Venus bright in black evening attire.
Mysterious Candonble, Moqueca, Capoeira
Like Elisabeth, a slaver ship
from Mother West Africa
squeezing just under the Southern Cross,
splashed the hot-blood Amazon
onto the decks of the African Queen

 

Beetles bigger than your hand,
Monkeys share the river, sloths the mango trees.
A scarlet macaw duo screeches through
brilliant skies…blue as the eyes of the European.
Roosters and preachers and motorcycles
take up the rhythm, Forro blasting…Lambada caressing,

I have been an unfaithful lover
to the temperate beaches to the south.
Uruguay sits in the parlor waiting for word.
Beautiful Bahian raindrops dart down
head-first and fast from heaven’s pools
on this morsel of peace,
this semi-serious coconut town.

The beach has seen the full moon
naked through the banana trees.
The trees have touched the soft sand
sparkling with the white caps,
Loud, happy Afro-Portuguese roars
across cobblestones worn slick
over 500 years.

Salvadoran dumpster, skinny cats and dogs
all prowling the streets
where one Carnival is not enough.
Capuchins in the window, chameleons on the wall.
Banana trucks filled to the brim with workers.
Hidden jungle…the dreams of run-away slaves
Tidy colonial towns of the Portuguese kings.

God is a beautiful Brasiliera
Yemaja told me so herself last night on Itaparica.
Every morning she mangoes, then swims in the sea…
At mid-day to her holy hammock
where she is no swift judge of life untamed
only someone waiting for the next breeze.

Brasil has the largest land mass
and the smallest swim fashions in South America.
A reasonably successful experiment
in 21st Century anarchy…
Twins were born in Bahia last night.
One came out black and the other one white.