RUMBLINGS FROM HELL

(Updated Version from 2012)

The scene: Scale model of Kilmainham Jail, Hades.

Jailer: “Oliver! You haven’t finished your lunch. We thought you liked rancid potato skins and maggot juice. You could be in for a long night without dinner. And look, your commode has overflowed. We’ll just call that nice Irish plumber, Mr. Murphy. I’m sure he’ll have the whole mess cleaned up as soon as possible. Oh, those despicable warts…They’ve taken a turn for the worse, haven’t they. You Puritans are so bad with the personal hygiene. Even Lucifer himself cannot stand the sight of you. Have you finished Ulysses yet? It’s your eternal punishment, you know. It was either that or De Valera’s speeches piped in on a 24-hour basis. You’ve had 100 years. They’ll be no dinner for you with that attitude.

(Later that day-Act II)

Jailer: Faith Oliver! You’ve tried to hang yourself again. Don’t you get it? You’re already dead and damned to eternal agony because of the way you acted on earth. Don’t you know that the Irish still spit when your name is uttered? What a legacy…driving the Irish off nine-tenths of their own land then making it illegal for them to buy Irish land in Ireland. Oh but that’s all water under the bridge, heh? Wouldn’t you like a nice cool black and tan? Sorry we just ran out! Ha!  There…there. Here’s your Horatio Nelson statue compliments of the IRA men who blew it up just a few years ago. That should make you happy…or at least help digest your Sinn Fein stew. Good news! You’re getting a roommate. It’s John Chivington from Colorado. You probably met in the de-lousing line. He’s the guy that murdered all the unarmed Arapahoe at San Creek quite a time ago. We hope you get along better than you did with Joe or Adolph. What’s that Oliver? God save the Queen? Yeah, well, she’s over in minimum security. See, while she was admittedly a cold, heartless beast, she fell short of cold-blooded murder in the name of religion. I’ve got to tend to the other prisoners, Oliver. Keep your head about you, you know your one of the devil’s favorites. All the shawlies say: The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. Maybe you could reflect on that one. You’ve got nothing but time.

(That evening)

Satan: I understand, sir, that you have registered a complaint and we Puritans have to stick together, heh? Saints preserve us! Oliver…It’s hot as the blazes in here. What happened to your air conditioning? What? It went out in 1658? Don’t despair, there’s got to be a working fan around here some place…I’ll be right back.