Author Archive for M. Toole

CREATIVE SNEEZING SYMPOSIUM UPDATED

For those of you who wrote regarding our Advanced Creative Sneezing Exercises: Please be patient. We suggest a continued routine of daily practice with friends or pets but never with house plants at risk. Amplification devices, while often satisfying at the start, can lead to nasal blockage and artificial expression of biologically natural bodily functions.

For the present, novices should be experimenting with VOWEL SOUNDS ONLY. Suggested and often safe points of departure include the aa sound and the eee sound along with ou, oy (y is a vowel sometimes), the iii and the overtly sensual uu.

As we have painfully spelled out, simply combine these guttural vowel sounds smoothly to attain the final explosion. The average spasmodic and involuntary action can then be embodied to suit and integrated with other random manifestations resulting the in adaption of personal eloquence. Now you try it!

CLOUD SEEDING CATALOGUES ARRIVING FRIDAY

(PITKIN) The 1998 Cloud Seed Catalogues are expected to be delivered to businesses and residences at the end of the week according to crop dusters on lift ten. The catalogues, a bi-product of alleged United Nations meddling in the internal affairs of Los Estados Unidos and her clones, will be whisked into town via black helicopter. Others will be displayed on the winternet. Cooperative citizens who can show they have no opinion in matters of state can exchange the paltry imprints for thimbles of herb tea through the season. Warning: Dogs caught riding the gondola will be prosecuted, their owner’s mountain bikes sold for scrap. You try writing news stories with a head cold and a mouse that sticks.

THE MISSING LINKSTERS

“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”           – H.L. Mencken

We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance to do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. Why then is there frustration?

In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit.

Often a golfer cannot achieve peace on a fast talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. Metaphorically he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.

All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars, cheats and probably perverts too.

While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are common behaviorisms they are only manifestations of the inside game.

Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken seriously.

It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also dishonest. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition one should dress to blend. Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention which no self-respecting, flimflam golfer desires on the golf course.

The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down at while competitors are putting. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same objective . Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.

One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.

“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees!”

The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are thinking way too much and the ball peters off the tee or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.

My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.

“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say.

After the drive I attempt to send my fellow golfer to a spot as far away from his ball as possible.

It’s really funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek, in tight boxers or behind the ear works well.

One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’.

The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of the cheater. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green. Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.

Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping, chattering and the gnashing of teeth are also powerful tools.

Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for crooks.

Keep in mind that the ultimate reward is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after the 18 holes have already been completed.

“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this website. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.

If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic cheats.

Kevin Haley, a duffer of some impressive stature cheats every round, prefers to putt after dark and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 18 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.

Capsulized Angler Psychograph

It’s time again for all those anxious anglers to scurry all over our beaches and banks in search of the big catch. Since we all have to deal with their odd rituals it may help to classify these sportsmen by pattern of behavior and motivational structure. Once each fisherman is carefully placed in the correct category we can all relax and get a good night’s sleep once again. Pass the tarter sauce.

Quid Pro Cooler – This type of fisherman is only interested in filling up his cooler and getting back to the bar to watch baseball or bowling. He generally shows up on site with a cooler full of generic canned beer and becomes annoyed if he cannot immediately fill the space vacated by each beer with a cooperative fish. This kind of sportsman does not generally obey limits, sneers at game wardens, throws trash on the bank, snores when asleep, spits on the street downtown and may even be fishing without a license as we speak. But we suffer through a tourist economy here and we are happy to have him. Although he rushes off every morning before dawn in truth he’s a hack and cannot tell the difference between a slimy kokanee and canned salmon since his taste buds have been sabotaged by cheap cigars. Best way to deal with Quid Pro Cooler fisherman is to spike his salmon eggs.

Proverbial Troller – This creep prefers a boat so that no one can document his catch and release obsession. Expect to be subjected to foul language and a barrage of lies about how big everything may be. Often this fellow doesn’t even bait his hook and is convinced that it is more important to look good on the lake than to come home with a mess of trout. Eats smaller fish while no one is looking. His hushpuppies are always soggy and his filet knife is dull. The lies are bad enough but this kind of angler usually has bad breath to go with it but at least it keeps that fishy smell at bay. Use garlic marshmallows or baby grasshopper spit.

Fry Boy – This is the person who stands next to you urging you on. He has lots of advice about test line and spinning reels but he never rally gets near the water himself. Often prone to complain that ice fishing season is over. Big on corn meal and holding the net in expectation of that Mackinaw running up the bank. In addition to his next to new equipment this fellow is known to haul cookbooks, caste iron pans, table cloths and a tasteful center piece to the picnic grounds despite the complaints of other more hardy anglers. Despite his graduation from the late, great Botsie Spritzer’s Fly Fishing Academy this guy hasn’t got a clue but he sometimes has extra beer. Smoked sucker on the surface works best.

Femme Fishtail – Probably the most creative angler is the femme fishtail. She never baits her own hook and despite the fact that she knows more about fishing (from dad) than the boys, she plays dumb. Check out the high heel waders. She may be trolling for the Kingfish but the eager to please Minnow, already on the hook, will do for the time being. Notice that this fishing beauty never cleans or cooks either. She thinks fishing is stupid. She just enjoys flirting with the elements which includes any male within 100 yards. Good for her. She probably never even pays for her own fishing license. Trolling works best in murky waters. Use diamond necklace or pearls on #86 nylon test line.

Fly Fantasizer – This is the guy that stands all alone, down the bank, usually in an old trench coat, dark glasses and a dirty hat with lures attached. He scares the fish. He claims to tie his own flies but his fly is always down. Wears suspenders. Keep young children and small pets away from this guy. Not particularly olfactory in his piscatorial endeavors but always seems to be in the middle of the fish. His very presence suggests that maybe fishing is not a real sport after all. At home with carp. Often a high water daredevil, he’s the guy that’s casting while everyone else is filling sandbags. Bites on anything rescued from the local landfill.

– Small Mouth Bess

Pharmaceutical Companies Seek Drugstore Cowboys

(Gunnison) Three of the nation’s largest pharmaceutical companies were in town over the weekend interviewing drugstore cowboys for prospective positions. Of the over 200 applicants, some from as far away as Creede, 12 were invited back for a second meeting slated for Tuesday.

Slow going this time of the year and the above average wages associated with jobs in this industry were cited as reasons for the high turnout. An unusual turnover rate among employees working in the research field may also account for the monumental response.

“Most of our applicants were interested in positions riding shotgun on drug transports or intercepting the elderly engaged in buying cheaper prescriptions in Canada,” said one employment counselor who says she talked to at least 100 persons Saturday alone. “A few were even curious about bit parts in commercials,” she said, “but what we’re looking for is research associates.”

Research associates, as this reporter soon learned, are nothing more than guinea pigs that are paid to undergo testing of new products not yet approved by the FDA and thus not yet released to the general public. Although the pharmaceutical companies did not attempt to misrepresent their needs they were less than clear as to real opportunities.

“Nobody said nothin’ about drug tests at the barbecue last night,” said one unemployed Almont wrangler who was subsequently rejected for a research position because of the size of his ears. “We all thought these folks was legit!”

Another cowpuncherette who claims it would take getting kicked in the head before she’d take so much as an aspirin said she felt betrayed.

“I shoulda known that when they told me I had to check my spurs at the door that something was haywire.”

The interviews are conducted annually all over the Rockies but these were the first centered on Gunnison. – Signelle de Bushe

Absenteeism Up in Ranks of Self-Employed

(Ogden) Alarming statistics compiled here suggest that chronic absenteeism among persons who “work for themselves” could threaten the continued operation of the Internal Revenue Service. It appears, as collected data strongly indicates, that a point of diminished returns has reached its apex with regards to taxpayers willing to work for little to nothing.

Directly following the most recent IRS feeding frenzy 4.2 million self-employed people failed to show up to work at least once a week while another million played hooky 60 percent of the time…at a business that (on paper at least) they own!

“What we see emerging is a burgeoning motivational problem that threatens to embrace an insulated state of unresolved neurosis,” said an official release from the taxing service. “We are currently examining the statistics to determine why the owner of a company would “call in sick” so often to his own business.”

The release went on to say that behaviorisms common to the test group indicate that small business is getting no relief from the federal gov’ment and that high taxes in a lame economy could well be affecting the general work ethic.

“Why get up, get dressed and drive to my business when I’m not getting paid?” said the CEO of a chain of shoeshine stands out by the airport. “If the IRS continues to fleece us they could at least give us a ride to work, and maybe buy lunch once in a while.”

Absenteeism within the ranks of the IRS has been nil during the same time period. Most agents say they like their jobs and the tiny power base it affords them when dealing with evaders and malcontents.

“We will not sit idly by while a throng of elitist provincials ruins it for us,” explained one agent here. “We must maintain the status quo or the wheels will come off and we’ll have to look for work. I have my number two pencil right here and I am not above poking one of these tax criminals right in the eye with it.”

In response to these concerns the House and Senate promise to continue partisan bickering over such mainline subjects as legalization of hemp, the reading of the Constitution, gay marriage and how many illegal immigrants it takes to change a light bulb.

– Small Mouth Bess