BEARS EVICTED FROM YELLOWSTONE

(Idaho Falls) The last bears left in Yellowstone have been instructed to clean out their desks and look for other work according to sources with the Nashville Park Service in Washington DC. The official reason for the abrupt departures was listed as environmental in that grizzlies and black bears have been seen climbing trees and illegally harvesting trout from puny streams in the park.

“These bruins do irreparable damage to the pines and aspens,” said one park ranger from behind his 30-foot high super cell phone. “In addition, most of the bears refuse to buy even a one-day fishing license.”

The ranger, who would only give his game, bank and cereal number, denied allegations that people visiting the day-glo, geyser-plagued, extravaganza do far more damage than the animals who live there.

At present there are seven snack bars for every squirrel and one mile of blacktop for every raven within the park’s 3500 square miles. Over 4.8 billion tourists visit the park each season, which is just 17 times the population of Pakistan.

The bears, and any other wildlife that protest the arrangement, will be moved to temporary housing in Gillette.

 Buffalo Phil Trampled

(Crested Butte) Legendary big game hunter, Buffalo Phil was killed Friday after being crushed by a Buffalo herd apparently on its way to a rock concert . Phil, who claims to have shot over 3000 buffaloes during his illustrious career back in the mid-1800s will be buried in several small caskets so as to appease fans on Lookout Mountain, Colorado; Cody, Wyoming;  and Scott County, Iowa; Omaha, Nebraska; and Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, all of which claim that his stiff is already buried there.

The buffalo, or more correctly the bison, were not cited.