Author Archive for M. Toole

Politically correct in 1911? Isolate Leper Till End

Pittsburgh, PA   Lee Tung, the local Chinaman who is suffering from tubercular leprosy, has been taken to the municipal hospital, where he will live the rest of his life, isolated from the public. The Chinaman”s face is badly swollen, the ugly blotches mark his wrists and forearms. He contracted the disease eight years ago while on a visit to China. Dr. B.A. Booth, the city physician, says the leper will probably live four or five years. In the meantime the city will have to provide a home for him. During the warm weather he will live in a tent on hospital grounds, but before winter sets in a house of some sort will have to be built for him. The mayor refused a request made by citizens that the leper be killed by officers.

– From The Chicago Sun Times, May, 1911

 

Snoring in Church Annoying At Best

To: The faithful

From: Rev. Phil Pharisee

Subject: Disruptions in the process of salvation

As much as I hate to bring it up I am acutely concerned with the lack of discipline within the ranks of my fruitful congregation. One Mr. Martin Ballywagge, a newly immersed member of our flock in Ouray, has, through no fault of his own, upset the ox cart, tipped the scales of righteousness and even rocked the boat during a moving chorus in Rock of Ages.

Let me give you a little background on Martin.

It was not, so far as I can determine, with the arrival of adulthood that Martin Ballywagge, an black Irishman in good standing, developed his chronic nasal maladies. He’s had them all of his life as his doctor Hugh Piller has assured us. By the time he was 8 he had snored through his first three years of academic life, constantly disrupting classes at Harry S. Truman Elementary back in Moline. The teachers complained to the principal who then complained to the parents who turned to Dr. Piller who prescribed drugs. Unfortunately the drugs only put little Martin back to sleep, a condition which encouraged more snuffling and snorting.

During one Sunday evening service (we didn’t get enough that morning) Martin snored his way through 3 hymns, 16 baptisms, 25 confirmations of faith and my well placed sermon as to the dangers of propane fumes.

“Maybe he’s allergic to something inside the church,” said Mary Ouana, who hasn’t had a drink in three months and looks great, although she still doesn’t have a date for our Harvest mixer.

The next day we scrubbed and polished the pews, vacuumed the drapery and went over the carpet with a fine tooth comb. We collected $3.87 in change and found a gold wedding band, lost by the late Abner Silvers back in 1999. The deceased (hit by a Rainbow Tours bus on his way the gym on his 97th birthday) had no heirs and the orphaned ring made its way to the collection plate.

Last Sunday the crisis deepened. I had just completed a soul-searching epistle on religious tolerance and magazine subscriptions when one of those needy missionaries knocked on the back door. Since the congregation had already fallen asleep I answered. It was Parson Edith Quelle who complained of snoring coming from the back of her tabernacle. She identified the noisy culprit as our Mr. Ballywagge. Was he attending services at her church too? Was he stepping out on us?

Then Wednesday night, just as I finally got the gathering off to sleep, Ballywagge stumbles into the front pew. He crosses his legs, tilts his head, adjusts his coat and wanders into dreamland. This time his snores were like an earthquake. The entire steeple shook. It sounded like a rogue freight train that had all at once gotten a spoonful of that old time religion.

In no time he had woke up Sarah Camarone, who was imprisoned for embezzlement in 2001, and disturbed the aging Clyde Shrapnell, a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. Then to make matters worse his nasal explosions chased the sand from the beady eyes of Doris Maltfeather, a retired exotic dancer and left Roberto Guerrero, a former member of FARC, sponsored by the church, frighteningly wide awake for the duration of the service.

I have written to my bishop and even recommended Martin to a hypnotist.  One pagan lost soul, whom I met at a ecumenical barbecue last summer, may have provided a temporary solution. Active in an unidentified Eastern religion, where chanting, banging and an accomplished brass section are an integral part of the services, the monk has offered to take Ballywagge off my hands in return for Saturday parking privileges in our lot. Until that day I hope that you, the faithful, will persist in angelic patience and use the earplugs which I have placed in your stations of worship. Now go back to sleep, and God bless.

 

Towns to trade noon sirens

Gunnison) Ouray and Gunnison appear to have brokered an agreement that would transfer each town’s noon siren to the other locale. The move, which has the full support of County Commissars and city crews in both places, is not expected to affect daily commerce. In most cases it is expected to go unnoticed by the general population.

Proponents of the plan say it’s good for the sirens to be subjected to new environments and, even though the towns share the same elevation, the climate and landscape differences dictate specific audio adaptation so as to fully coordinate with the cosmic flow.

“In Ouray we have a warm box canyon which is short on sun,” said one siren technician who lives in Colona. “While in Gunnison we have a wide, sunny valley long on cold. To the average person geographic variances may appear minimal but to the trained eye these subtle distinctions can spell trouble.”

The exact date of the switch has not been determined but both sides say they would prefer to wait until after tourist season is completed. The project is not expected to close major highways although there may be detours enforced and some traffic congestion on the River Road, Refrigerator Canyon and on Cerro Summit. Motorists are urged to stay calm. – Small Mouth Bess 

 

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated box holder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe. “They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities, mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing abnormal behavior patterns. – Small Mouth Bess 

 

PLAY BALL

(This afternoon we pay a visit to the popular Gasbag Tavern in nicely landscaped downtown Manana and listen in on a stimulating conversation in progress)

First patron:  Why, hell, I played pro ball back before the war.  I oughta know what I’m talking about!

Second patron:  You oughta know a lot of things.

Third patron:  Hey, he’s right.  The players today are a bunch of hot-headed prima donnas.  Between player salaries, greedy agents and brahman owners the game is on the rocks.

Second:  Well, I’m not arguing that.  I’ve studied baseball since it’s beginnings during the War Between the States. I’ve read about the greats like Honus Wagner and Jimmy Foxx.  You’re not talking to some novice here.

First:  Well, you said them short pants was alright with…

Third:  …I said them short pants and white shoes were not the issue.  The meat of what’s wrong with baseball has nothing to do with fashion.  It’s all in the psyche.

Second:  Like designating hitters and charging for autographs…

Third:  Right.  And arbitration and astro turf and batting gloves.

First:  It is rather upsetting ain’t it.  In my day the pitcher damn well better bat and he better put the ball in play or he won’t be around for the next game.

(At this point my recorder shuts off rather loudly and all three look over in my direction)

First:  What are you lookin’ at, kid?

Horseshoe:  Nothin’.  I’m just sipping my beer.

Second:  Well, see to it that you do.  What’s that gizmo in your pocket?

Horseshoe:  It’s just my pager. I’m a brain surgeon and I am often on call…

Third:  …you can start by operating on a friend of mine right now!

First:  It ain’t me that needs tending to.  You don’t know baseball.  Besides, you never played the game like I did.

Second:  Where did you play anyway?

First:  I pitched for the Moline Cardinals in 1934 and then came up with the Browns at the end of the 1935 season.  That’s when my arm went sour.  I think I got a virus from an open window on the train or maybe it was the twelve games in a row that I pitched against both the Athletics and the Yankees when our other pitcher was in jail.  I don’t recall…

Third:  A pitcher, heh?  You ever throw at a batter?

First:  What do you think?  Back in those days the brushback was as much a part of the game as chewing tobacco.

Second:  And now I hear the league wants to ban chew.  They say it’s bad for the kids to see that kind of thing.

Third:  They’re ruining the game.

First:  We didn’t usually see some batter charge the mound after a bean ball like you have today.  Oh, it happened, but not often.  I think the television announcers are to blame for a lot of the hype.  Baseball is supposed to be a clean, relaxed tradition and a lot of the so-called experts don’t really understand the complexities or appreciate the subtleties of the game.

Third:  Yeah.  Isn’t it supposed to be bad luck to even mention the status of a no-hitter while it’s still in progress?  Hell, today’s sportscasters blab it all over the air waves once it goes five innings.  The game’s just not worth watching anymore with all the pay-per-view and cable crap. Remember Jane Fonda’s boyfriend, Ted Turner what-his-name, trying to shove “America’s team” down our throats.  I want to throw up.  They may have had a good season but how many of them came up through the Atlanta organization?  They just don’t have what it takes.

Second:  Yeah, like Mantle and Mays…and Clements and the Babe…

Third:  And Lou Gehrig.  Hell, none of today’s players will ever approach his iron man record for most games played in a row.  Look what Pete Rose did for the game and they kicked him out while they let that Dodger pitcher come back after he flunked his drug test time and again.  I hear they even gave him a free tutor and he still flunked!  I don’t know why we even follow the sport anymore.

First:  It’s just a reflection of society. Baseball is what we once were and football is what we have become.

Third:  What? Is that an original?

First: Original enough for these digs.

Second:  A reflection of sobriety?  Let’s have another…

First:  Some second-string shortstop who can’t hit .200 gets paid 50 times more than a teacher.  A washed up pitcher with a history of injuries signs for two million while half the population labors for minimum wage!  Hell, I’ll bet even the batboy has a pretty impressive stock portfolio.

Third:  Yeah…

Second:  It’s really too bad you know if…

First:  …Wait a minute!  What time is it?  Damn, the ball game is on.  It’s the World Series!  It’s on at 6 pm!  We almost missed the first pitch!  Bartender!  Get that game on will you!  What kind of bar is this anyway!

Second:  Yeah…this is America, boy!

Second:  Sure thing.  Who you betting on?

First:  Quiet!  I can’t hear the stadium announcer.  He’s giving the line-up.

Second:  Give us another round…on me…

(He looks back over in my direction)

Second:  You want a beer sonny?

Horseshoe:  No thanks, I’ve got to go.  (I drink my beer and start for the door).

First:  Guess he don’t like baseball, huh?

Second:  Some kinda communist…

Third:  That generation never did have it all tucked in.

– Rocky Flats

 

BEARS EVICTED FROM YELLOWSTONE

(Idaho Falls) The last bears left in Yellowstone have been instructed to clean out their desks and look for other work according to sources with the Nashville Park Service in Washington DC. The official reason for the abrupt departures was listed as environmental in that grizzlies and black bears have been seen climbing trees and illegally harvesting trout from puny streams in the park.

“These bruins do irreparable damage to the pines and aspens,” said one park ranger from behind his 30-foot high super cell phone. “In addition, most of the bears refuse to buy even a one-day fishing license.”

The ranger, who would only give his game, bank and cereal number, denied allegations that people visiting the day-glo, geyser-plagued, extravaganza do far more damage than the animals who live there.

At present there are seven snack bars for every squirrel and one mile of blacktop for every raven within the park’s 3500 square miles. Over 4.8 billion tourists visit the park each season, which is just 17 times the population of Pakistan.

The bears, and any other wildlife that protest the arrangement, will be moved to temporary housing in Gillette.

 Buffalo Phil Trampled

(Crested Butte) Legendary big game hunter, Buffalo Phil was killed Friday after being crushed by a Buffalo herd apparently on its way to a rock concert . Phil, who claims to have shot over 3000 buffaloes during his illustrious career back in the mid-1800s will be buried in several small caskets so as to appease fans on Lookout Mountain, Colorado; Cody, Wyoming;  and Scott County, Iowa; Omaha, Nebraska; and Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, all of which claim that his stiff is already buried there.

The buffalo, or more correctly the bison, were not cited.