Satan Apologizes

(Up there) After an eternity of hostility toward Heaven, Satan, dba Lucifer the Archangel, has offered a formal apology for sins chronicled since he was cast out of paradise eras ago. In what is being called the most important metaphysical breakthrough since the Mormons discovered America, Satan’s apology was brief, calling for an immediate truce between the celestial super powers.

“Many people don’t believe that this fellow Satan actually exists,” said Rev Phil Pharisee of the Temple of Divine Panacea in Manana. “He does. It is fundamental to our quest that this fallen angel be brought back into the fold. Forgiveness is powerful and once the Evil one makes restitution he will be exonerated. Imagine the impact on church attendance when we announce our special guest for a future Sunday. We may not like him but he is definitely an expert when it comes to eternal damnation and fire starting.”

Despite the magnitude of the gesture there has been no word as yet from the Creator. Sources nearby say all were taken by surprise and need a little time to create a proper response. Whether or not burying the hatchet with Lucifer will generate a blanket amnesty for all sinners was unclear at press time.

“They (the good angels) talked to the Vatican yesterday as well as to Buddhist, Muslim and Hindu elements. A meeting with various Protestant sects is slated for the weekend,” said Pharisee. “What they will talk about is anyone’s guess but the final agreement must contain an olive leaf so that serious differences can be undressed.”

Significant concerns at press time include what to do with all the estimated millions of pour souls currently in Lucifer’s camp and how to restructure ideologies which have labeled Satan the ultimate bad guy. It was not clear how the powers intend to reclaim hell or rehabilitate less influential skeeziks loyal to Beelzebub.

“He (Satan) has a definite public relations problem with many,” said Pharisee, “and it’s up to him to convince people he is sincere about his salvation. However, due to his incredible wealth he will no doubt be resettled comfortably and ascend as an asset to any congregation.”

Satan, then Lucifer, the right-hand Archangel was thrown out of heaven over a power struggle with the Creator. Sins of pride are said to have been at the root of the disagreement. Although it happened a long time ago, smoldering feelings of resentment and outright distrust are expected to dominate the first discussions between representatives from heaven and hell.

“Right now we’re somewhere between the devil and the deep blue sea on matters of religious dogma,” continued Pharisee. “Can Satan be reinstated? What about the other Archangels who have been loyal all of this time? What about the lesser angels that left with Lucifer so many years ago? Will the Raiders win the AFC West with their benefactor back upstairs?

Theologists all over the planet suggest that a serious power void may now exist with the capitulation of the forces of evil. They ask who will be blamed for the evil in the world now that the devil is walking the line. Who will paint the town red? What about pitchfork sales?

Let’s face it,” quipped Pharisee, “we need a common enemy so as to cement together our holy coalition. Who will step up? Not the Russians, not even the terrorists, but maybe those nasty aliens who have been hovering around, just out of shotgun range, waiting for a breakdown in the earth’s mythological fortitude.”

Pharisee promised that despite the development he would continue to preach fire and brimstone, the literal translation of the Bible and fear coupled with a pinch of guilt.

“We just have to find new evils with which to do battle,” he explained. “That shouldn’t be too hard. They’re everywhere.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe