Author Archive for M. Toole
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT MISSING FUNDS
(Gunnison) The general accounting department at Western State University cannot account for more than $1.4 million dollars collected from a Ribidoux Hall bake sale held back in May.
“This is embarrassing,” said one faculty advisor. “What kind of an example are we setting for these kids. I’m sure it’s just an oversight but nobody needs publicity like this especially during an election year.”
According to administration source the money turned up missing after a dinner honoring 119-year-old alumnus Ernest Walpole, credited with designing the first recreational vehicle. In North America.
It is surmised that the funds were somehow switched with the $23 collected at the honorarium.
“All those cigar boxes look alike,” said one clerk who wished to remain unnamed. “How can we watch every penny?”
The district attorney is looking into charges that the funds were lost in a poker game with the Adams State debate team over Memorial Day Weekend.
Meanwhile students are expected to reject a referendum that would allow Taco Bell and Sonic Burger 24-hour access to the national historic, turn-of-the-century chemistry lab. In a hotly contested campaign the fast food franchises had offered gold passes to prospective supporters. Hopped-up thugs continue to roam the campus this morning looking to prevent a high voter turnout.
– Rocky Flats
STATE TO JERKY FALL COLORS
(Denver) In an attempt to stretch the dramatic fall colors far into November state officials have implemented a plan to jerky aspen, oak and cottonwood trees still in their splendid state. Already teams of botanists have been busy in an attempt to isolate and expedite the most effective formula for the approved extension.
“First we’ll focus on the aspens since they are far and above the most popular with autumn tourists,” said Fiona Woodcock who holds a third degree in Popular Venison Culture from Cal Amari. “The oak and cottonwood are far less fragile and we think we can jerky them later in the month and still come up with a hardy supply that may last through Thanksgiving.”
The process of jerking the fall colors involves a lengthy drying process that has been proven to extend the life of other entities such as wild game and the terms of Congressmen. Aspen leaves in particular conform to the rigid properties necessary for the purist, hardly prudent jerk thinking of the Third Enlightened Period.
“We have experimented with canning and applied freezing since the Sixties,” says Woodcock “What’s important is to harvest the chosen leaves and introduce them to our methods before the natural process takes hold. Rest assured that we have gone to great lengths to protect the birds and fury little animals who call the trees their homes. They have until tomorrow to evacuate.”
Even though leaves and most bark samples are void of nutrition many desperate people tend to eat them come February or March when other supplies have been exhausted. Unlike leaves from tree farms, where an assortment of fertilizer and additives are employed, these wild trees offer supplement-free leaves, roots and bark.
“Many mammals enjoy a diet comprised of mountain vegetation throughout the winter. We plan to test the jerky on herd animals, state prisoners and even fish before the snow falls,” said Woodcock. “We’ve already turned the bear on to the spicier blends and they liked it…of course they’ll eat anything that one leaves lying around.”
Residents and visitors are asked to stay clear of jerky operations until the end of the month when the Department of the Interior will join state agencies in presenting an open house to further explain their priorities. For a map of the more concentrated jerky operations contact the gov’ment agency of your choice.
– Small Mouth Bess
GREYHOUND HYDROPLANES, TWO INJURED
(Colorado Springs) Heavy rains made for dangerous conditions at the Garden of the Gods Dog Track Saturday as one participant, a three-year-old canine named Lizzy, lost her footing in a puddle and subsequently hydroplaned, spinning around helplessly and finally landing against a wall. She was cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital following the accident.
Two dog racing enthusiasts, Timothy Foltz of Cortez and Mondo Carmen of Gunnison were injured in unrelated incidents. Neither were wearing seat belts or safety helmets. Foltz fell seven stories from the top of the stands after attempting to get a better view of the proceedings and Carmen pulled a hamstring muscle while eating some very combative eggplant parmesan. Both were kept overnight for observation.
Breaking news! If you were planning to bet on the 1999 Kentucky Derby it’s too late since the legendary race took place back in May.
“I am most at peace living in a community where I can just run down to the corner and pick up a tub of civiche, a baguette and a few beers .” – Small Mouth Bess
Montrose Man Talks to Potatoes
(Spring Creek UPS) Melvin B. Toole hasn’t been the same since the Spanish American War. Having been wounded and separated by his regiment at San Juan Hill, he claims to have survived three months in the jungle on a crop of Irish potatoes, which he mixed with various roots, berries and herbs plentiful in his tropical redoubt.
“I don’t know who planted the spuds but I’d sure like to thank them,” said Toole, who withstood the ordeal as a young man of 17. He has visited Ireland and Peru (where potatoes were first established) in search of answers.
“People just stare at me,” he whined.
Today the veteran is satisfied carrying on extended conversations with local spuds.
“I can’t really call them dialogues,” said Toole. “but one never knows what’s around the next corner. I just want to find some closure and all eyes are on me.”
– Princess Irm Peawit
“For fast acting relief try slowing down.”– Lily Tomlin
Town Council Passes Tennis Ball Ordinance
(Ouray) In an attempt to curtail the hoarding of tennis balls by local canine, the Ouray Town Council today voted to limit the number of balls to three per dog. Acting unanimously, the legislators agreed that the matter had reached crisis proportions and that swift action was needed to alter acutely obsessive behavior.
Local dogs can now legally possess only three tennis balls, which are to be stored on site and clearly displayed for inspection by officials. Canines found with the rubber contraband among their food dishes, blankets and walking apparel will be confined or tied up until the matter can be resolved. Repeated infractions will result in fines levied on owners.
“Dog court will inherit most of the accumulation cases although aggravated episodes may fall under civil jurisdiction,” said Rover Katz, interim city dogcatcher. “Part of the problem is that other communities in the county have yet to initiate these progressive dictates on conduct and unknowingly provide safe havens for the criminal element right under our noses.”
Many residents, both dog owners and others agree that something had to be done.
“We have dogs living here that have as many as 10 to 20 tennis balls hidden in bushes, dropped under porches and defiantly left out in the sun to rot,” said one woman who says she prefers cats.
“I’m all for dogs having a good time and all but three tennis balls should certainly be enough to entertain even the most neurotic canine,” added a local man who raises exotic Chihuahuas. “Most of my dogs are too small to get a tennis ball into their mouths so let them play with rubber marbles instead. We’ve only had one incident in fifteen years where a dog swallowed one. I sure hope marbles aren’t included in the restrictions.”
Critics of the ordinance say the town has no right to extend limitations on private property. They pledge to fight the new laws on the grounds that every dog should have his day, as clearly documented in state and federal precepts.
Meanwhile many dog owners here have enrolled their pets in Balls Anonymous, an organization that seeks to integrate dog skills and positive self worth, confronting the deeper demons of addiction.
Now you can vote at Wal-Mart
(Montrose) Registered voters wishing to do their duty this election can simply cast their stones at the local Wal-Mart rather than wasting precious shopping time at the polls. Along with voting, citizens are reminded that they can open credit accounts, get married, have children, pay taxes and be buried here too.
It sets a convenient precedence according to sources within this mass marketing framework and “can only lead to more mindless consumption and greater profits for everyone.
“We want to help the average Joe stay very damn average,” smiled one part-time greeter who does not qualify for company benefits.
The Wal Mart voting booth will be open for a week prior to election day so that citizens are not forced to change their schedules and focus on just one day. Information as to how to vote and who to vote for will be provided at the entrance. Persons who have not as yet registered can do so with their Wal Mart credit card.
“People can easily forget that it’s Tuesday…election day. We’re doing our part for this great democracy!” whines an in-store announcement. “And after you vote don’t forget to check out the seasonal items on aisle three.”
Meanwhile down in sunny Arizona corporate militias have succeeded in apprehending some of the last ma and pa operatives in the Phoenix area. At press time there are only a few of the “unaffiliated” holdouts remaining. On the site of what was a great kosher deli is now a chain burger place. It’s the same all over the place. The city without a city has been transformed into “the hell of suburban corridor commercial prostitution, according to a High Pima hieroglyphics dating back to the Goldwater era.. The Phoenix has crash landed indwell not fly right again.
Although the status of the former self-employed radicals was not completely clear a police spokesman said they “are being de-programmed and retrained for positions as cashiers at a chain gas station. Persons who do not adapt to the masterplan are taken to what’s left of the desert and left to fend for themselves. Some of the unlucky ones will end up pushing lead within the government.
“We’re not at liberty to talk about the situation in Arizona,” said a Wal-Mart voice. “We have a strong economy here too and it will continue to boom just as long as everyone cooperates,” said the stooge.
– Mambo Sambo
“Mr. Trump is a felon who flouts the law and the Constitution, an inveterate liar beholden to no higher cause than his self-interest and a reckless policymaker indifferent to the well-being of the American people. His term in office did lasting damage to the people and the project of America and to its reputation around the world. In a second term he would operate with fewer restraints and more willing enablers, and he and his emboldened advisers have made clear they intend to exercise power ruthlessly.”
– Editorial Board New York Times
