Deer and elk not in compliance

(Ouray) Wild herd animals residing in the mountains near here continue to be uncooperative in the efforts to keep the local park free of debris, especially of the fecal nature. Currently dog owners appear willing to pick up after their pets, whose numbers, compared to the those of deer and elk that use the facility, are paltry.

The city has posted popper units and paper pickup supplies at the park’s scoop stations. They have even posted the familiar: “It’s the Law” threat but the response has lingered well behind since the hoofed perpetrators have no money.

“If I wanted to step in herd droppings I’d climb a mountain, not take a walk in the park,” said one resident. “There’s poop everywhere. Don’t these animals have any pride, any restraint?”

DOW officials, consulted on how to solve these pressing problems, confirmed reports that they had no specific fix in mind.

“We have the same trouble up above timber line with the fragile tundra at risk,” said one ranger. “Our little signs keep 200-pound people honest but have little if any effect on 2000-pound elk. We’ve tried everything. Attempts to cork the animals have failed and brought on the ire of animal rights people and hunters.”

A March study is on the docket to determine exactly how much of the problem is being created by the elk and deer and what to write off as human error. If the crisis continues the wild animals may be banned from the park in 2025.

– Pepper Salte

“It’s like asking the tired old question: Why do these churches, theoretically based on the teachings of an impoverished prophet, have such burgeoning vaults?”  – Saint Roscoe of Pronghorn