Author Archive for M. Toole
Cincinnati Reds Mourn the Passing of Pete Rose
CINCINNATI (Sept. 30, 2024) — The Cincinnati Reds extend their deepest condolences to the family, friends, and teammates of Reds Hall of Famer Pete Rose, who passed away earlier today at the age of 83.
“Our hearts are deeply saddened by the news of Pete’s passing,” said Bob Castellini, Reds Principal Owner and Managing Partner. “He was one of the fiercest competitors the game has ever seen, and every team he played for was better because of him. Pete was a Red through and through. No one loved the game more than Pete and no one loved Pete more than Reds Country. We must never forget what he accomplished.”
Rose, a 17-time All-Star, is the all-time MLB leader in hits (4,256), games played (3,562), at-bats (14,053) and singles (3,215). He won three World Series (1975 & 76 with the Reds, 1980 with the Phillies), three batting titles (1968, ’69 & ’73), one National League Most Valuable Player Award (1973), two Gold Glove Awards (1969, ’70), NL Rookie of the Year Award (1963) and 1975 World Series MVP. In 1999, Rose was named to the Major League Baseball All-Century Team.
Rose was inducted into the Reds Hall of Fame in 2016 and his iconic #14 was retired the same year. His statue outside Great American Ball Park was dedicated in 2017.
“I think just about everybody ought to get a second chance and I’d like to see it worked out, because he brought a lot of joy to the game, and he gave a lot of joy to people, and he’s paid a price – God knows, he’s paid a price.” – Bill Clinton, on Rose’s banishment from baseball on gambling charges.
“(Don) Gullett’s the only guy who can throw a baseball through a car wash and not get the ball wet.” – Pete Rose. Source: The Sporting News (October 24, 1970) regarding a teammate
YOU SO SMART HERD QUIZ
Answer the following questions to the best of your agility.
1. Who holds the current record for does batted in over in the old mule league?
a. Vinny Venison
b. John Doe
c. Bucky Horne
d. Pearl S. Buck
2. Considering the veritable smorgasbord of knee surgeons and sports medicine experts in the Gunnison Valley why does it take so long to get an elk processed here?
3. When is a moose not an elk?
a. When he’s in a rut.
b. On a full moon
c. When he/she wanders above timberline
d. In venison years or moose years?
4 If you get lost in the woods while hunting you should…
a. Call 911 for help on your cell phone.
b. Throw down your weapon and surrender to the nearest chipmunk
c. Follow the rivers and streams until you hit Utah or Nevada
d. Finish last night’s elk chili and send up an organic flare
5. A taxidermist is someone who
a. drives a cab with a skin disorder
b. is employed by the IRS
c. mounts wild animals
d. cosmetically stuffs, grooms and manicures dead animals
6. Do wapiti have souls? What about politicians?
7. How do the deer and elk know it’s opening day?
a. Be perusing magazine articles in Field and Spleen
b. Alternative radio
c. By the smell of burnt beans in the woods
d. The DOW routinely posts the announcement on the aspen trees
8. The GNP of Colorado is composed of:
a.) sugar beets, water, lumber and bad Western art
b.) water, former governors, cowboy poetry and recycled clothing
c.) venison, ditch water, maize, jalapenos
d. waferboard, chuckholes, sorghum, molybdenum
9. The town of Telluride was first called:
a. Ajax City
b. Colorow
c. Bear Creek
d. Columbia
10. The Big Mine in Crested Butte produced:
a. molybdenum
b. Croatians
c. frankincense
d. wool
e. coal
11. What common herd animal is most likely to dart in front of your vehicle at dawn and again at dusk?
a. Bighorn Sheep
b. Long distance telephone company solicitor
c Rocky Mountain Goat
d. Mule Deer
12. How long does it take and how much money does it cost to become a local in most Colorado ski towns?
13. According to leading nutritionists what is the best thing to feed your cowboy boots before the hunt?
14. Which of the following species will travel up to 3 miles for fresh blood?
a. Lawyer
b. Realtor
c. Publisher
d. Mosquito
15. Mule deer
a. are generally smarter than chunks of rock that have fallen onto the highway
b. are often Cub fans despite the fact that they know better
c. have no gall bladders
d. hate leash laws even though they don’t tend to keep pets
16. Which of the following best illustrates your personal hunting code?
a. Just live and let live, then come Friday night, really live
b. I know the license is expensive, my four-wheel-drive truck uses a lot of gas, I hate to camp in the snow and the gear ain’t cheap but sooner or later I’m bound to get that dream shot
c. Shoot first and ask questions later
d. Great shot! Now let’s get these roasts onto a plate with potatoes and carrots
17. Name your favorite herd personality
a. Bambi
b. Rudolph
c. the boys at the Elks Club
d. Moosehead Beer
e. Any one of the delegates to a national political convention
Hell Closing Doors
(Way Down There) Principal partners here have announced the closure of this 6000-year-old facility despite a hot customer base and predestined plans for expansion in the coming years. In a crisp statement, burned on the edges, the controlling factions in Hell say they have been running at a loss since many people stopped believing in such a concept back in the Sixties.
Where the poor souls, many linked to terrorism, will be located is anyone’s guess. Suggestions that they join relocated Guantanamo Bay detention camp inmates on Dick Cheney’s Wyoming Ranch was not taken seriously and could not be confirmed as of this afternoon.
The Gitmo prisoners were recently moved to the sprawling oilman’s land where they will be hunted this fall, despite the terms of the Geneva Convention, by the former vice-president and (hopefully) out of work GOP politicians.
Former GOP Congressman, Liz Cheney, who has come out in support of the Harris – Walz ticket, has gone to great lengths to distance herself from the resettlement.
“I already moved from Upton to Fort Bridger and I might end up in Utah or Idaho, if it’s not too liberal.” she joked.
Experts in industrial societies contend that these recent developments are not helping anyone. The arrival of more desperate souls is certain to fan the flames linked to the world refugee crisis, they say, “where a growing number of immigrants travel the globe looking for a place just to lie down”.
To further exacerbate immigration woes. Federal humanitarian aid in the form of folding money is no longer available as it was spun into hay when the gold standard disappeared one beautiful summer day long ago.
“The problem isn’t a dwindling customer base,” said one demon, “but rather the cost of doing business and the competition up there on earth. Global warming hasn’t helped either.
“The cynics be damned!” he continued. “Denial holds little water with the 500 fallen angels who are now pounding the pavement looking for work. I’ll tell you… the place is no fabrication I’ve been going to work there since the days of Saddam and Glocamora.”
The helpful demon went on to explain the difference between an angle and an arch-angel, a group to which he claims to belong.
“I’m not just an angel, I’m a fecking arch-angel,” he pushed, drifting into a definitive West Cork brogue.
In a related piece, longtime Allie of Hades, the Mafia has announced more lay-offs due to what it calls a soft economy. Many of those dismissed hope to start small businesses of their own or be absorbed by the government.
– Ripple van Winkle
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
– Robert Heinlein
Howdy Amendment Travels to Senate
(Barnacle-on-Potomac) Western hospitality is alive an well after three weeks in the House of Representatives. That’s where the populist Howdy Law has been hanging its’ Stetson since mid-August.
Originally bulldogged into law by the Montrose (Colorado) City Council and quickly approved by the County Commisars, the Howdy Law has received quite a little press since it’s virgin implementation at this Western Colorado town in 2004. Lots of other municipalities and counties have adopted the legislation. Some have written it into city and county ordinances while others have simply encouraged the local population to live by the simple do unto others creed that is inherent to a healthy society.
The Howdy Law, as originally written, simply calls for outward signs of friendliness by saying Howdy to people one encounters on the street. It endorses gregariousness as a way of life and the end result is a happier, thriving population. For long timers it’s the only acceptable way to be, and is therefore comfortable in all social exchanges. For the urban refugee it is restorative and hygienic. It allows the soul to bloom in its new environs.
Now the federals are on the verge of passing legislation that would adopt the Howdy Law as the edict of note and quite possibly the prescription for what ails us as a nation. In most cultures a greeting is basic. Here in the suburb-choked, viagara-dollar days USA we are more likely to run someone over with our shiny new car than to belt out an amicable hello.
At first the local Howdy Law was based on the honor system but after a few months a person could expect a toothless summons for any sign of animosity in the face of such a greeting. To be sure there were those who said their right to be anti-social was being eroded and the civil libertarians jumped into the fray. A lawsuit was filed and people got hot and sweaty. Fortunately the paperwork was mysteriously misplaced and the court records allegedly remain stashed under a pile of dog-at-large citations and drunk driving plea bargains in some judge’s basement.
In 2003 then Governor Bill Owens signed a breakthrough bill that adopted the Howdy Law all across the state. It became the bible for the tourist industry with dude ranches teaching their little dudes and dudettes to employ it on trail rides and ski areas demanding that their close-cropped employees say Howdy to visitors as many as 200 times per day. Owens felt the bill would help further develop the state along the lines of the Republican agenda.
What these greenhorn mercantilists often don’t remember is that the whole thing started here on the banks of the Uncompahgre River where the concept of Howdy is as natural as blue skies and sure as sagebrush. Despite rampant growth and questionable land use over the past years Montrose remains a friendly place. Even the cops say Howdy, then they put on the cuffs.
Do some of us think friendly is not cosmopolitan or sophisticated enough? The other evening in what was once a small town I stood in the checkout line at the grocery. There were lots of people there that I had never seen. No one spoke. Were they all from California? Suddenly in my advanced state of Holy Joe judgment I realized two things, 1.) I was the only guy in a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops 2.) In my attempt to get on with the purchase of my whipped cream and chunky salsa I didn’t say anything to anyone either.
Estrangement often precipitates violence as the disaffected act out their fatal frustrations. We don’t have to bring up road rage or kids with guns to illustrate that point (the man on TV does that for us every hour on the hour). Maybe a crisp Hello in there, as song writer John Prine put it, could defuse the situation. The feds seem to think so, and isn’t that entity infallible in matters of benevolent dictation, o’ sumpin.
Enough preaching. If all goes according to plan the Senate will vote on this matter of mandatory greeting tomorrow and the Howdy Law will be in the books (allow six to eight weeks for delivery) before the holidays.
– Fred Zeppelin
BLM Loses Keys to Gate
(Montrose) The Bureau of Land Management has apparently misplaced the keys to a security gate west of here fanning the flames of fear that the land inside may be up for grabs. The almost 10,000 acres, protected by the gate and almost 7,000 miles of fence, could fall into the wrong hands as soon as Tuesday.
“The Mexican gov’ment has been eyeballing this little parcel since we stole most of the Southwest from them in 1850,” said Melvin DeGrasse Toole, veteran sage brush translator with the BLM. “It has been sending reconnaissance teams up this way disguised as farm workers for almost a century. They know our weak points.”
Toole added that, in addition to the potential setbacks in the Manifold Destiny ballpark the region could come up short of deer and elk come harvest time.
“Peoples to the south have always wanted to entice our deer and elk,” explained Toole. “It’s common knowledge that they have been coveting our elk since the Gadsden Purchase. As long as we are the custodians of the land we will fight to keep it,” he promised.
It was not clear how the elk could have escaped due only to the keys being misplaced. Insiders at the BLM think rogue elements within the agency itself purposely left the gate open. Sources near the action suggest that jealous elements in New Mexico and Utah may well have been in cahoots with the Mexicans as well.
Known communists are probably not involved in this caper but it is common consensus that it would be fun to imply such so as to throw off the media bloodhounds.
“With the land gone what would we have to manage?” asked Toole. “The deer and elk never listen and the rest of the forest animals run away whenever we try to approach them.”
– Forest Grump
