Author Archive for M. Toole
Cut the white wash
- Dump Democrats and Republicans in a big hole and cover. Simmer for three decades.
- End campaign financing and prohibit lobbyist from the nation’s capital.
- Fix the high schools so we no longer graduate uneducated and easily manipulated citizens. Make bilingualism a mandatory experience as well as valid history and political science.
- Admit to a racist, violent past and attempt to correct the future.
- Stop education and health for profit systems.
- Create immigration statutes and stick to them.
- End private prisons.
- Tax the churches and double the salaries of teachers, police, social workers and fireman
- End corporate botulism. Society should never reward endemic greed and inhumanity.
- Make your country the pride of the globe.
“Ain’t no money in poetry. That’s what sets the poet free.
And I’ve had all the freedom I can stand.”
-Guy Clark
FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING
(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.
ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cable-vision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 2019 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks while marsh wasp impersonators promised the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in suburban Lima, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of tepid iced tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running at long last. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jive street smart family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Rico, Colorado. Joe’s edible cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate but never on prime time.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 95th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and hogs a full booth for himself at the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch. He fails to tip.
-Kashmir Horseshoe, sociable critic
Toilet Seat Shortages “Chronic” in Forests
(Ouray) The lack of toilet seats in the National Forests this year has reached chronic proportions and may be linked to a revenge motive on the part of government agencies says a recently released report in Flusher’s Digest.
The independently published piece claims that the USFS and other federal agencies has dropped the number of prescribed toilets in our national forests to punish persons opposed to fees on public lands over the past few summers.
In one such destination, Yankee Boy Basin, new toilet seats are almost unheard of while luxuries like toilet tissue and air fresheners remain on a first-come, first served capacity, with even the most basic supplies exhausted by mid-week. While many campers bring their own waste facilities the more traditional visitor often relies on porta-johns or other privies to conduct constitutional business in the woods.
According to a story in the local paper the scenario has become a “squishy” one with hordes of campers being forced to use the great outdoors as their latrine. While this practice is quite popular with other mammals, humans tend to congregate in designated camp grounds and use nearby land as their dumping grounds.
“Bears and mountain lions often cover 50 square miles per day hunting and staying away from people,” said a spokesman for Poop Jumpers, a local recreational association that is responsible for waste management among other things. “It’s easy to see why they aren’t the problem. Sure, we’re talking organic but the impact is caused by congestion not substance.”
According to the Department of Public Sanitation, a wing of the Homeland Security Agency, the magazine’s accusations are false and there is no revenge motive for the termination of federal funding.
“People who were against the fees will just have to stand in line a little longer or provide for their own comforts,” said Roy Thistledown, a campsite host and former CIA operative from Spar City. “We’ve had the same problem all along the Alpine Loop until we started handing out little pooper scoopers compliments of the local chambers of commerce.”
The article continued saying campsite fees were up three dollars from last year. Whether that increase was enough to build more facilities was unclear at press time. Alluding to a presumably federally generated pamphlet advising campers how to dig a cat hole, the paper went on to describe just how to cover and disguise the aperture.
“People in emerging societies solve these kinds of problems by charging a small fee at the entrance to restrooms,” said one camper who has lived illegally in The Great San Juan for 50 years. “Often the fee, collected by an otherwise unemployed person, includes tissue and a splash of down under water.
Despite the failures often common to other functions of government there this potty policy seems to have merit.
“I cannot speak for the outlying areas or for jungle redoubts, said the squatter, “since the media continually warns us they are populated by bandits and terrorists are not safe for deep-seated human habitation.”
When contacted yesterday one state sanitation official agreed to look into the matter.
Criticized for running a feature piece on such a sensitive subject right on the front page an unreliable source at the local paper said that the story needed to be told.
“In addition, it added, “the piece provoked more reader response than coverage of the week’s city council meeting and the Republican state convention combined.
Part 29 of this fascinating series is slated for December.
Patrons are reminded to keep valuables in their front pockets in the quaint little alleys, cafes
and cobblestoned plazas in the vicinity of the theater and museums.
US Seeks to Control Flow of Naughty Underwear
(Paris) France and a host of other European nations have accused the U.S. of cornering the market on naughty lingerie. The action, acknowledged in part by leading diplomats, began almost a year ago with the federal monitoring of underwear sales in North America.
U.S. interests allegedly seek to control the billion-dollar industry world wide according to fashion leaders here. They say that the Americans have stepped up production in an attempt to dominate global trade in the naughty commodity.
“Certainly we’d like to see more of the underwear made in the United States before embarking on some conspiratorial effort to regulate its exchange,” said Teddy LaRouiex, of the State Department. “Right now most of the garments are made in Third World countries.”
French leaders have protested the move saying that governments have no place tampering with slinky underwear. In an official statement released here the French have stopped short of condemning a long time trading partner asking only that the U.S. refrain from such action. “We are scandalized by the efforts to control distribution, design and prices of naughty lingerie, a product that should enjoy free access under the principles of supply and demand. We hope that the shear weight of protests will alleviate what has become a delicate situation.”
France then added that there are far more pressing issues on which to focus.
In private French leaders are said to have expressed horror that the status of naughty underwear might be by orchestrated solely by a country “misdirected by hefty servings of Puritanism and guilt”. He told close advisors that the stream of underwear is sacred and should never be manipulated by a private entity.
Reactions all over the continent were the same. In Holland leaders called on the U.S. to stay out of people’s bloomers and in Italy protestors threatened to attack the American Embassy if the price of g-strings continues to soar. Portugal called for a boycott on all goods manufactured in the U.S. while in Ireland manufacturing plants have begun turning out intimate software aimed at combating what Dublin calls “a bungling and insensitive overreach in the vein of dictatorial”.
Even the Russians are angry. Today Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, called on Russians to reject all foreign-made frillies and buy all interior items, including wool socks and long handles from reputable state outlets within the country. EU economists expect this plea to have reverberating effects going into the Russian lingerie season (July) when its actually warm enough to walk around in the scanty attire.
Not to be outdone Hugo Chavez, former President of Venezuela often called the developments “crimes against the skin”. He called on the workers of the world to cease production of U.S. lingerie.
“Let them see what its like to go without,” said Chavez as part of a six-hour speech carried by Tele Sur. “Their GIs started this whole power grab in Europe after World War II with the documented silk stockings and Hershey bar enticements. Now all these shenanigans have come home to roost.”
Meanwhile the hoi polloi of the fashion industry have remained mute waiting to see more.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
HISTORY OF THE CLAP
Ever since homo erectus strolled these shores the ritual of clapping in approval and/or appreciation has been with us. Why did such an odd ritual gain such favor within societies as remote as the Maori in New Zealand and the Utes in North America? Were ancient peoples really only trying to kill flies when the curtain went down? What did early entertainers from places like the Fertile Crescent think when the audience began slapping their hands together at a particularly moving moment on stage? We have no idea. Nonetheless, here are some of the more pronounced developments chronologically introduced through the ages.
5000 BC a clumsy Bornean orangutan (spanking monkey) falls from a branchwater eucalyptus tree while applauding a traveling mango juggling troupe near the Mount Kilimanjaro. Millenniums later his ancestors repeat the behavior at national political conventions.
2750 BC Early Hittites disguised as edible crustaceans receive the first recorded standing ovation after a lackluster performance of Don’t Cry For Me Watusi.
1523 BC Nefertiti is applauded by Egyptian Talisman’s Union after acquiring her own checking account despite the protests by hubby and noted Vaudevillian, Akhenaton. The Nile Valley punk band, The Pharaohs, jam for an additional four hours after a third ovation accompanied by kazoos, washboards, sirens, sand whistles and canned laughter.
900 BC Sumerians invent beer and they bring down the house. Gobshites, with wind-generated clapping machines, first appear in Eire. Distillation gets a thumbs up as the applause lasts all month.
401 BC Xanthippe, wife of Socrates first appears in public wearing slinky clapping gloves made from the bat guano.
559 BC – Confucius releases his classic One Hand Clapping Backwards. 2500 years later it becomes the film Rocky XVII.
522 BC Prophets Ezekiel and Zoroaster simultaneously predict the emergence of Elvis, but mistakenly put his birthplace as Delta, Colorado.
200 BC After a tedious reading of Reconnoiter My Arse Gaelic warrior Courvoisier Cu Cuchulainn bows from the waist and is beheaded by Roman legions.
11 BC First case of fruit throwing, amid rampant clapping, at an indoor venue in dusty Carthage.
2 AD Invention of the trash/vomit bag heralded as man’s finest achievement to that point. Put your hands together for…
Continued on Page 45
Ghost of famous CB angler visits editor
(Crested Butte) Rudolph “Botsie” Spritzer came back last night. In an unannounced visit, the Little Captain himself showed up at the Horseshoe offices for a chat and a glass of dandelion wine. The former journalist and late fishing great, who passed on some years back, described heaven as being a place much like Crested Butte in July.
“We have meadows and creeks everywhere and deer to hunt and even kielbasa,” he said. “Everyone up here is fine. Lyle and Whitey and Tony and Pitsker are here. They all ended up in heaven, even me.”
Spritzer went on to say that although he missed his nephews and family, he was enjoying his afterlife.
“It never snows here and the wind rarely blows. The beer is cold and the pretty women like to listen to my stories,” he smiled. “I’m very tall here, my Croatian nose is smaller and my back feels better than ever.”
When asked how he managed to pay a visit to the earth, Spritzer said he traded a string of kokanee to the man at heaven’s gate for a 24-hour pass.
“I can only stay a few hours,” he explained. “I want to spend some time with my family in Gunnison,”
– Gabby Haze
“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”
– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings, Testosterone Bros. Boston
