Author Archive for M. Toole
CLASS OF ‘14 VOTED MOST LIKELY TO SECEDE
(Redvale) The Norwood High School class of 2014 has voted itself Most Likely to Secede, according to a copyright story in the Norwood Post. The class, numbering between 15 and larger than a bread box, will graduate sometime in June.
This development is rather distressing,” said Evelyn Broomgarden, assistant to the principal’s assisting assistant at NHS. “We had hoped for a smooth transfer of classes this year. I for one think the whole matter is the result of a few mavericks and that most of the kids don’t want to secede from anything.”
State authorities, quick to confirm an official position: that local schools were not top heavy with administrators, were in town Friday in an attempt to determine just what the students want to secede from and why.
“If it’s just the county that they want to withdraw from then we’ll let the county take the appropriate action,” explained Robbin Rubens, special investigator attached to the governor’s office of Secondary Seclusion, Secrecy and Scenery.
“If its the United States the kids want to get away from, then we’ll call in the feds. If it’s the state, then I am here to tell you that it will never work. Where ya gonna go? Utah?”
It has become common knowledge that a vague yet sophisticated network of adolescent subversion has existed within the hallowed halls of Norwood High School since the mid-Sixties when students first demanded that a new country be established with Norwood, protected by moats on three sides and the Nucla Fussiliers as the natural capital. Rubens thinks this recent display of what he calls “high treason” is no more than a flexing of the muscles.
“What do they want to do, establish a monarchy with the prom king and queen on the throne?” quipped Rubens. “It didn’t work in this country for George VI and it won’t work for these punks either. The next thing you know they’ll be burning books on the lawn.”
School may be canceled for the next few weeks so that state officials can conduct a thorough investigation without a lot of students snooping around. – Small Mouth Bess
RESURGENCE OF ELK TIPPING BLAMED ON ALCOHOL ABUSE
(Ridgway UPS) It happens more often than not. A tranquil cow elk is charged by a gang of inebriated pranksters. She ends up horizontal. Another night we see a bull sprawled out like a common throw rug after such an brutal attack. We watch as humans crash their bodies into the sides of unsuspecting elk intent on slamming the animals rudely to the ground. What is psycho-social meaning and purpose of such an atrocity?
It’s called elk tipping and is different from the more accepted sport of cow tipping in that one substitutes a larger, often more aggressive elk for the normally docile moo-cow. The preferred results are the same with one addition: The more agrarian cow handles the stress of tipping much easier than the warrior prototype elk who often turns to the bottle to escape this sordid reality.
According to an unpublished report alcoholism is up a rowdy 35% within the elk ranks in Colorado. Of corpse this takes into account the seasonal jump (10%) of all kinds of substance abuse brought about by the presence of hunters in the woods. However the savage sport of tipping has added another 25% to the already gruesome figures. Sociable scientists are now asking the question: How much more can these animals take?
Law enforcement officials are reluctant to prosecute elk tippers unless they are drinking and driving. They say they are already far too busy enforcing the laws on the books without getting off on this potentially explosive tangent. Therefore the question remains: What will we do about elk tipping. As we journey toward the end of the reason
Continued in the morning
CRESTED QUIZ
Take the quiz. All the good things in life are free. Besides, you’re this far into it. If you answer all of the questions correctly you need to get out of town more often.
1. If Bozar called the shots the White House would be what color? What about the Pentagon?
2. Since the 1860s the dance of choice in the Slate River Valley has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway d.) the Polka.
3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock formations exist inside the Mt. Crested Butte city limits. Can you name them all?
4 Back before the hippies arrived, bears did not prowl within the confines of Crested Butte because a.) every miner had a loaded shotgun by the door b.) there was nothing extra to eat c.) bruins are afraid of polka music d.) dogs ran free and chased them away e.) all of the above.
5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for a big cleanup. b.) start a Fourth of July parade on time c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen. What about 2000 mule burritos?
6. Several wonderful inventions were patented in Crested Butte. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.) Snow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain bikes. Choose three.
7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two blocks and take another left, than a right, then another left and go straight what would you run into?
8. Ruby Irwin refers to:
a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveeta cheese and molybdenum.
b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who summers here.
c. The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.
d. A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.
9. During the boom days of the early 1900s what great Crested Buttian made up the schedule for two-story outhouse use during mud season?
10. In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accordion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and Cafe? What’s the scene there in 2014?
11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing company d.) a very successful guide and outfitting enterprise.
12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.) grits would have replaced home fries as a staple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone With the Wind would have been filmed in Almont.
13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and Painter Boy have in common?
14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the 1890s, housed a still, and was not used to store hair as the story goes.
15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and runs through ____. (Temperatures not technicalities)
16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realtors in Crested Butte. (Use your calculator on this one).
17.) One has reached coolness in Crested Butte when a.) he/she owns a complete set of tire chains for his mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s office gives one a nickname c.) the restaurants serve him/her breakfast after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express drivers wave at him/her on Highway 135. e.) all of the above.
18.) Where would the premier showing of the film Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970? a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.
19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace and tranquility of Crested Butte in the late 19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.) Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.
20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named: a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery b.) out for a walk c.) according to the premise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.
21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.) because it was made of wood, not of bricks b.) to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect the insurance when the mines weren’t producing d.) because wood burning ordinances prohibited it from burning up.
22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking lot in April.
23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?
24.) What are the seven naughty words never to be uttered on KBUT?
25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch d.) Robert Parker.
Bonus Math Question: If the average income in Gunnison county is $40,000 and the average cost of purchasing a home is $800,000 how can Jack and Jill afford to live up on the hill?
– Mel Toole
Power Surges Plague Elderly
(Montrose) A recent jump in power surges is the result of increased inactivity and an embrace of the sedentary lifestyle says a noted physician. According to Dr. Simone Lackluster, stacked up idle hours sooner or later add up to a major discharge of displaced energy. Speaking at the Armenian Association Symposium for the Tone Deaf, Lackluster further focused his conjectures and postulates saying that the elderly (and those who think they are elderly) were particularly at risk in this arena.
“Older people tend to remain inactive more than the general population as a hole,” quipped the doctor. “Then, when a given situation demands action they jump, on again, off again, herky jerky, up and down, in and out in a here-today-gone-tomorrow performance that not only creates undue stress but often results in hamstring and groin injuries.”
One 87-year-old colleague tells us that his power surges often come in the afternoon but usually after a workout or bike ride. “This Lackluster might know his groins but he doesn’t have a clue as to my power surges,” he spat.
Another medical spokesperson agreed, saying Lackluster is an idiot.
“Imagine the inside of this doctor’s head as a cranial hydroelectric plant,” he offered. “Now imagine an ice storm slamming into his frontal lumbar region and dripping out through his ears. The results are galvanizing.” Our elderly source, demanding that he remain an agronomist, confirmed that Lackluster had suffered voltage disturbances in the nursery when a sadistic nurse dropped him on his head as punishment for wetting his diaper. The nurse, whom he later married, was never brought to justice.
“Admittedly we are forced to rely on some questionable witnesses in these stories,” said an under-editor at The Horseshoe. “C’mon, we can’t check out every source. That would be ridiculously time consuming. Next you’ll expect us to proof read this mess.” San Miguel Power, the local electric company that has been unfairly implicated in the surges, suggests that people unplug appliances when they feel a surge building.
“Look up at the sky. If it looks like a big snow is on the way unplug your appliances,” says the handy brochure I received with my bill last month. “Then plug them back in when the sun comes out. If you need the use of appliances during extended storms try a generator.
February Tip: Save on eclectic bills by keeping doors and windows closed during the winter.” For a related piece turn to Candle Sales Through the Roof later on “Frog Legs and Butter”
