Author Archive for M. Toole
US Will Be Gated Community by ’16
with Sam Greengrass, Holistic Sociologist
(Denver) If current trends continue the United States could be a gated community in just a few short years. Rapidly expanding suburbs, poor
zoning, the shortage of forts and the disparity between rich and poor have all been cited as major culprits in this security/separation phenomenon.
Wealthier types certainly don’t want the great unwashed hanging out in their front yards. That’s normal. This problem can be averted by closing off access at the entrance of a fortified community. In more congested urban areas this is accomplished with a security gate while out in the suburbs an armed guard or dogs could be brought in to do the trick. Why? More cash out in the suburbs.
The key is avoiding eye contact with migratory groups and persons looking for a handout. Why should people who have made it be forced to look at those who have not been so fortunate? Good fences make good neighbors.
With both crime and the number of policeman on the rise one might base his gated status strictly with security as a priority, but he should always keep in mind that a locked gate is never a fool-proof deterrent. Criminals, who don’t usually work full time, have been known to be quite innovative when picking locks, hiding in septic systems, sneaking under doors, swooping down from oak trees and distracting security personnel.
“Until states like Colorado embrace the death penalty for burglary the epidemic will continue. People who have things that they don’t want to share with others should prepare to insulate themselves from lesser humans, intent on stealing and worse,” said Ancelle Ridgeback, who has made a fortune selling security systems worldwide.
“The gated concept is not just a reality in the cities and suburbs. People living in the mountains under the mistaken warranty that they are out of the mainstream and thus safe from intrusion, may be sadly surprised in the New World where criminals wander at will,” added Ridgeback.
While gates will do little good out in Hooterville there are other more effective measures that can be employed to assure the wealthy that the criminal element has been dissuaded. One such prevention device is a moat dug around the property. Since most poor people have never learned to swim they cannot cross over and get their hands on one’s goods. Another effective obstruction is a machine gun nest, or nests, placed at strategic locales such as the bedroom window, baby’s room, in the trees by the pool, or on the roof of the garage.
Dogs, for decades the security of choice for many in the upper earning bracket, are less effective since they cannot be trusted. Often distracted by bits of food, sirens or other dogs, these sentries may keep some people out while allowing others access. Nobody knows exactly why this is true but ask any crook or dog lover and they will tell you.
We all know that poor people are thieves. If you want to keep what’s yours you must take steps to protect it. While private armies are frowned upon by the federal element a few guards on patrol in the environs can keep sticky fingers at bay. They can also circulate in the immediate region watching for suspicious characters and plots aimed at taking your things. Many of these security persons are not afraid to confront a potential intruder and deliver a good beating for good measure.
As one investigates these approaches to heightened security he will find that there are many types of gates that will do the job. There is the Latin American approach which uses bits of glass at the top of the wall to deny entrance to even the most athletic crook. There are electric fences and trigger devices that fire an assortment of projectiles at intruders. There are road spikes and minefields too which can get rather expensive. Maybe the whole neighborhood could pitch in and provide community security…that’s the gated concept at the grassroots level.
Just take care to perform a thorough check into the background of any potential ally. Don’t let the kind of car he drives or the number of domestics employed, determine his reliability. The whole lifestyle could just be a disguise, an attempt to lull you to sleep while he takes it all. The last thing you need is a fox watching the hen house or one of them firmly entrenched on the inside.
Next Month: Secure Parking Methods and Car Alarms
(Editor’s note: If you plan to employ live ammunition as part of your security shield/gate be sure that neighbors are aware of your actions. Too many times innocent people are injured by stray bullets aimed at criminals. Hey, these folks are on your side. They are only trying to protect their possessions too. In these times of overpopulation and greed we must all stick together.)
TOWN BUYS CYBER SPACE
Parking Should Improve Almost Overnight
(Ridgway) Town fathers and mothers have reportedly purchased some 3,000 bites of cyberspace which will be turned into parking spaces by summer. According to the architects of the plan the space was cheap, compared to current real estate market appraisals.
“It’s a lot like mineral rights and dog poop under the snow,” said one proponent of the plan. “We all know what’s under there but it takes a cosmic reintroduction to make the desired effect come alive.”
When completed the cyberspace will accommodate roughly 3,000 vehicles and generate an estimated $250 per day in additional parking fines for the town.
“Those funds will be kept under the bed and then used to buy more cyberspace in the future,” said one conceptual engineer. “We don’t want to be another Telluride. We just want to find a place to park before the end of the century.”
In addition to alleviating a major traffic problem the move could create 100 new jobs for valet cyberspace parking attendants and some 25 security personnel who will check “parking permit tickets” displayed by motorists.
The benefits of additional space should be quite noticeable at peak times of the season such as festival weekends, hangings and the day the food stamps arrive in town. – Rocky Flats
Feds Seek Input on Grazing
(Washington) The Federal Government is encouraging all elk, deer, cows and sheep to provide input on proposed public grazing procedures prior to a final vote by the House and Senate next month. If you are a mammal with a strong herd instinct you may wish to forward comments to Department of Grazing and Sandbagging, 2998 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. If you are a female or a member of a minority simply call us collect and we will send a representative directly to you for consultation.
The federal government is particularly interested in projected impact in the Uncompahgre, Gunnison, San Juan, White River, Grand Mesa and Routt National Forests. They have received a barrage of data from the humans involved and now wish to hear from the animals.
“Who else is closer to the situation than the potential grazees?” asked Sen. Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who was swept into office back in 1944 thanks to an almost embarrassing donation from the asphalt lobby. “We must not forget our four-legged constituency. After all they can vote too, can’t they?”
In a related story, Noise and his colleagues will take on the particularly annoying task of determining just who is covered under Barack’s new national health insurance plan. At present both the deer and elk carry only minimal Major Catastrophe policies while many of the cows and sheep are not covered at all. If the Obama plan is adopted the head bull or buck must fork out the money to cover other lesser members of the herd and their dependents.
“This will kill the concept of the independent herd,” offered Noise. “We will witness extensive layoffs as controlling elk and deer will simply let their underlings go so as to avoid this exorbitant cost. These people are completely out of touch with reality on this one,” he laughed. “Don’t they think that if the animals could afford full coverage at a comparable, fair price, without government interference, that they would already be on an insurance plan? This whole mess is sure to stimulate the economy all right. We have a lot of potential as a Third World power!”
Noise blamed what he called the Medical/Legal Complex and obstinate government deadweight for the injustices suffered by millions of uninsured Americans and added that the insurance companies are nothing more than insulated, corporate parasites who produce nothing and feed on the fears and ignorance of the public.
“Look at the massive skyscrapers, the versatile investments and the warm, clever advertisements on such big ticket items as the Super Bowl,” stabbed Noise. “Where do you think the money comes from to project such an glowing image? One can make a rat look like a swan with the right makeup and enough cash.”
Noise plans to retire next year after decades in the Senate. He intends to devote full time to sabotaging insurance companies from “Hell to Hartford,” as he puts it. In addition, he will spend one day per week counseling young deer and elk as to the dangers of gang membership.
Interview with a recently discovered poet
Paco Clyde-Sarena, for decades a remote, frazzled voice in the world of supercilious verse, has finally reached the mainstream of world literature. We were fortunate to have been granted this interview with one of the most stimulating figures of our time.
Horseshoe: Why are all your poems the same length?
Paco: It’s the size of the fecking pad, man. I bought 2000 legal pads in March and I’m already down to six or seven. I start at the top and fill space with my words until I reach the bottom…then I have lunch.
Horseshoe: So it appears you have a rigid daily discipline. Do you write everyday?
Paco: No. I only write on Wednesdays.
Horseshoe: What do you do the rest of the time?
Paco: I make wine.
Horseshoe: That’s quite a combination…poems and bodegas! Do you see a metaphor here?
Paco: I see a lot more metaphors after the wine has matured. Barbie dolls on the in the roux burned like a bat-winged banter master spouting crude recollections. False prophet…False sinner, worse yet. Spoken flowers are only as good as the lover who catches the poem petal. Most miss it surely as it drifts to the ground.
Horseshoe: Wow! That’s hot. What time of the day do you prefer to write?
Paco: Right out of bed works the best. I like to smoke Nicaraguan puros while I mainline Paraguayan mate’ and scramble my oatmeal. That’s when my head is clear and my passion ignited. Some of my favorite works, however have been penned on my way to bed when my head is swirling and my dreams linger.
Horseshoe: Heavy.
Paco: No actually quite light. It’s important for an artist to give himself plenty of leisure time. That way the words flow without the distractions of the mundane.
Horseshoe: Your words are incredible and we see that you are bi-lingual as well. If I may quote from a recent work:
Las estrellas del Sur habla
a me en la noche linda .
Dicen mi nombre, su nombre bella
su nombre bella, su nombre bella.
Su alma, su corizon, su cuelo rico.
Chow dudes. Viva pax.
What do these words mean to you?
Paco: I don’t have any idea. I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.
Horseshoe: It’s kind of like telepathy, no?
Paco: Yeah sure. I can write 700 poems in one day if I drop all pretense and quality control. Most people are afraid of poetry anyway so very few get passed the first line or two. As a beautiful woman once told me: “It’s bad poetry, Paco…but keep slinging it. Sooner or later you’re bound to rhyme something.”
Horseshoe: I see you drive a 1947 Bedford Paddy Wagon. That must have cost a pretty penny.
Paco: It was a gift from one of my lovers.
Horseshoe: Are you besieged by beautiful women like it says in the introduction to Bruin Conspiracies? Do you read to them all?
Paco: I can’t read. To quote the late Warren Zevon: Poor, poor pitiful me…poor, poor pitiful me…the young girls won’t let me be…poor, poor pitiful me. I wish I’d written those lines, yeah boy.
Horseshoe: Have you any advice for budding poets?
Paco: Write with crayons, that way if you get hungry you’ll have plenty to eat. Just go on a tear and hope nobody reads the stuff…It’s all perception of reality anyway. If it barks like a bird and whinnies like an ostrich then I’d suggest staying far away during mating season.
Paco will be appearing at Vegetable Buddies Bar and Grill in Manana
for a book signing and wine making symposium on May 32 unless it rains.
Marmot Thefts Up Again
(Blue Mesa) With the arrival of the Texas Fantail to the region, a sharp increase in petty theft at the hands of gold-bellied marmots and their alpine allies has been keeping police and forest rangers busy so far in July.
Thefts and intrusions are up about 40% over June, with the heavy days of August still ahead. Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory at Gothic think the increase has to do with an increase in the marmot population and a distinct expansion of food groups that years ago were not part of the whistle pig diet.
“Five years ago one rarely saw a marmot chewing on a chicken leg or slamming a can of bloody mary mix,” said one researcher, “but now it’s quite common. We also blame the higher concentration of humans above timberline and a short attention span on the part of these visitors.”
It has been documented over and over again that tundra species are not above eating everything from burgers to radiator wires when given the chance. Persons camping or jeeping in the high country are asked to take precautions.
“We don’t want to create a generation of fuzzy thieves,” said another RMBWL source. “Once they start stealing there is little we can do. It often starts out with a peanut or a marshmallow and ends up with grand theft auto raps and well organized cooler heists. One RV caravan reported an entire freezer ensemble, a satellite dish, three poodles and a digital Christmas lights schematic missing after a short fishing trek.”
Although the lot as recovered the next day the poodles are still missing.
Often incidences of shoplifting and cooler pilfering attributed to alpine scavengers goes unreported making it even more difficult to control the trend.
“If people don’t file complaints we can’t write them down in our little books,” said one park service officer.
Authorities have up to now attempted to play down these crimes so as not to discourage trips to the alpine tundra. Many fear the situation could reach epidemic proportions wit h the arrival of bear and monkey mating season in September.
In a related story weathermen at the top of Engineer Pass report golf balls the size of hail, ptarmigan laughter and rocks on the road. That seasonal situation is not expected to change until the next ice age.
– Melvin Toolini
ROCKY MOUNTAIN MAMMARIES
with Estelle Marmotbreath
Ms. Marmotbreath is away from her desk hunting lichen and documenting kookaburra sightings near Alice Springs this month. Instead of her gallant dirt-dishing memoirs we will present a series of highlights from her more notable columns of the past. She will be back at her desk Monday unless she is eaten by an emu.
Saloon Owners Will Perform Weddings
(Telluride, 1887) Due to a shortage of ministers and other clergy the recently established town of Telluride agreed to allow saloon owners to marry people. The described ordinance, passed unanimously by the initial town council, spelled out the particulars going to some length to protect saloonists from future reprisals and setting precedent on fees for such services. Ships captains and barbers had been recognized as legal representatives of the state in these matters and will continue to hold these powers until the more preachers move to town. The town’s only registered man of the cloth, a Parson Hogg of Baker’s Park, journeys over Ophir Pass twice monthly but is distracted by the gambling halls and has missed many ceremonies since the beginning of the year.
Biting Judge To Appeal
(Montrose) Circus Judge Melvin Toolini was held in contempt of court by his own hand today, arresting himself and sentencing himself to thirty years hard labor. Toolini, who gained halting prominence in 1895 for biting off the ear lobe of a defendant who spat on his floor, had no comment. Last month Toolini bit the nose of a prosecuting attorney when the latter failed to approach the bench to petition the judge as to the former’s lunch plans. In his most recent outrage the 97-year-old referee has been accused of gnawing on his court reporter’s leg and nibbling on a key defense witness, an attractive corned beef sandwich. The munching magistrate, a convicted lady killer and indentured engineer, plans an appeal.
Zippers Big in Coal Mines
(Crested Butte) The use of clothing zippers has more than doubled since W.L. Judson invented the contraption in 1891. Miners agree that the zipper is safer and easier to operate than hooks, buttons or string. Mine superintendents, in keeping with new safety regulations plan a zipper safety seminar after a few more loads of coal are extracted from what locals call the Jokerville Mine.
Town Runs Away With the Circus
(Ridgway) Despite the death of one of its leading citizens the entire town of Ridgway has reportedly run away to join the circus this month. The Barnum and Bailey Big Top had been barely dismantled when residents of Dallas filed a missing person’s report with the town of Portland. After a brief flirtation with stardom the residents of Ridgway grew tired of life on the road. They returned in time for the funeral of noted medicine show cleric, Dangerous Dan Larue who, collectively inebriated, had been rehearsing a scene from the Old Testament with several less than willing lions. He was devoured, his potion recipes lost forever in the belly of the beasts. His son, Dwit, was later elected to the local school board.
