Author Archive for M. Toole
Colorado Leads in Loafers
(Denver) Maybe it’s the great weather or the outside lifestyle. Whatever it is Colorado leads the nation in per capita loafers. Idle rich, inheritance dunces, ski bums, trustafarians, camp squatters, entitlement bangers, second home owners, shiftless hawkers, realtors, journalists, and worthless hippies make up some 68% of the Rocky Mountain State. Shocking though it may seem many here look to the tourist influx for guidance and embrace of the work ethic.
“Colorado may be the thinnest state but we are plagued with transient vagabonds and assorted riff-raft from every socio-economic sector,” said Dr. Sluggard of Pea Green Academy, recipient of a monster grant to study human behavior in whistle stops without train service throughout the West.
“Our preliminary findings concur with the national statistics,” gasped Sluggard. “We have tipped the apple cart and are on the way down the path to devastation. Our leaders must act today and pass serious immigration and right to work reform before the entire place ends up like the Caribbean nations where a
Continued on Page 55
EVIDENCE OF PEA GREEN MAN UNEARTHED
(Hoover’s Corner) Archeologists digging near here have discovered what may be the skeletal remains of the legendary and elusive Pea Green Man. As more dirt is carefully extracted from the designated sites mitochondrial DNA matches up with what scientists know to be the progressive evolution of these early humans.
Pea Green Man, as most readers are aware, roamed these environs, wedged in between the Pleistocene and Mesolithic ages,
A well-preserved skull, several toes and the majority of a spinal column were also recovered at Shavano Valley this month leading paleoanthropologists to conclude that the place was jumping with Neanderthals, primitive humanoids and even a few hybrids.
If further analysis proves initial theories correct, a Neanderthal-Human hybrid may have been a first love child some 45,000 years ago. Ironically the emergence of this mix led to the downfall of the Mousterian culture (flint tools, spear points) and heralded in the first cases of ethnic cleansing in Europe and Asia.
“We can tell that the specimen is not Neanderthal since it has a protruding jawbone and a round head,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal-Polygamy Institute. “The Neanderthal were chinless bastards and clearly passed DNA from mother to child in a closely knit community. This “kissing cousin” syndrome most likely formulated the limited growth and slow-wittedness attributed to most royal families from ancient times to the present.”
Pennywhistle reaffirmed postulates that support direct evidence that most Europeans and Asians are two to three percent Neanderthal.
“Just look at the Irish and Russians,” he smiled. “Although their royal lineage seems to have escaped the dredges of history, The Dark Ages, the plagues and the Crusades, these people are incorrectly classified as post-Neanderthal when in fact they are brighter than average and merely chronically stubborn (red-faced) and reclusive (cave living at its finest). Common belief that these early humans grew hair on their palms, employed cheap, Chinese-made stoned ceramic tools and ate rocks has never, and will never, be substantiated, at least on my watch.”
These early humans were a rough group,” continued our source, himself the descendant of a Neanderthal princess and a primitive human stable boy. They made other primates seem cosmopolitan by comparison.”
Returning to the Pea Green site scientists struggled to break through a layer of discarded human artifacts such as moldy beer cans, disposable diapers, a muffler from a 1963 Ford Falcon, a worn mattress and an ensemble befitting the professional bowler.
“If anyone wants any of this stuff they had better stop by our digs this week to claim it or it’s going to the dump,” said the doctor. “We are certain this junk was thrown out long after the disappearance of the last Pea Green Man and the emergence of Anasazi shamans, Czars, Tinkers, Evangelists and European fishermen concentrated at hotly contested river crossings before Blue Mesa was flooded.”
Research at the new site is expected to continue throughout the fall although it appears difficult to apply these conflicting detections to the needs of modern man.
“We are just a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals who like to spend the day filtering through piles of dirt and mounds of rock,” said Pennywhistle. “Our efforts are easily as valid as anyone who spends the day behind the wheel, making tacos or in a cubicle spewing information. Besides, quipped Pennywhistle, after eight hours on the job one gets his money’s worth in the shower at the end of the workday.”
-Vladimir Edwin Codswallop
Summer Reeding Program Loses Grant
(Ouray) The much heralded Summer Reeding Program, popular here since the early 70s, has apparently lost funding for 2003 according to The Bureau of Promotional Education and Diversion. The 1/2 day sessions have been aimed at creating an interest in recreational reading among children in the town.
“They just missed the boat,” said one official from BPED, “and besides 50% of our budget has been sucked up by the Pentagon.”
USFS to use magnesium-chloride on pine beetles
(Ouray) The United States Forest Service, warden of the woods, has released plans to exterminate pine beetles by applying magnesium chloride, a substance employed on state highways as snow melt and dust control.
The USFS has been accused of incompetence in the response to the pine beetle destruction and admits that this new plan has grown out of desperation. The agency’s accomplice, the Colorado Department of Transportation will handle the hands on spraying which is slated to begin any day now without notice.
“The existing policy of ignoring the problem will not make it go away,” said a critic of the proposal. “The authorities have had years to confront this infestation and have done little. Granted the warm winter weather and dry conditions have not helped in those marginalized efforts.”
The chemical weapon Mag-chloride, on the other hand, has been found to be an effective way to keep the highways free of ice and control dust. The only little problem that has arisen is that the chemical kills trees along the highway. It is not known if regular exposure of the chemical has negative impact on people and wildlife.
“Our sunshine melted the highways before,” said the critic. “Why do we need this stuff spread all over?” If people don’t like a little dust they should move to town where most of the streets are paved.”
Climate change, continuing drought and the prevention of natural fires by state and federal agencies is blamed for the destruction. The mountain pine beetles, indigenous to the high country now have a shorter hibernation period and have greatly reproduced while the trees are more susceptible to a non-native white pine blister rust, which prevents nutrient and water dispersion.
Although regular spraying of carbaryl slows down the devastation and eliminating hazard trees has thwarted easy migration of beetles it does not appear to be enough to control what experts are calling an epidemic. The scene in the forest is bordering on apocalyptic with dead red pines blowing in the dry wind and new green growth sprouting underneath.
“We noticed that the application of mag-chloride kills trees along the highways so we figured it might kill the beetles too,” said Anwar Meate, Supreme Commander of Executive Directors at the USFS. “What the heck…what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, no?”
Turning the agency’s vast supply of mag-chloride on the pine beetles has created major controversy with environmental groups saying the plan may kill the beetles but it will certainly kill the trees.
“Pine beetles have been here forever and so have the tree huggers,” said Meate.
The DOT reportedly purchased tons of the magnesium-chloride chemicals a few years back (from a fast-talking Front Range salesman?) at what they say were discount prices. The agency is keen to get rid of the stuff and distance itself from growing criticism of its use. Attempts to transfer the chemicals to Utah or Wyoming were met with anger and heel digging in those locales.
“It works great keeping dust levels down in the pine trees,” said Meate, “now we’ll have to wait and see if it discourages the beetles.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Chief Ouray’s RV Unearthed Near Sneffels Townsite
Researchers and people with nothing else to occupy their daylight hours have announced the discovery of what they believe to be the recreational vehicle once owned and operated by the late Chief of the Utes, Ouray.
Although the exact site of the revelation has been cloaked in secrecy, a list of articles found inside has been released. Archeologists on the job say the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together well and prove the outfit to be the real deal, the property of the articulate Ute.
“We have yet to begin the carbon dating tests,” said P. Wilton Gold, “but it is clear that it is the RV that Ouray drove from the Portland (north of Ouray) camp to Delta for the winter. Perhaps the most significant find has been the poker chips and and IOU signed by Otto Mears, the Pathfinder and turncoat of the San Juans. Mears was a friend of Ouray’s although history might record things quite differently when all the information has been collected.
“We know that the two played poker regularly on Thursday nights at the Ouray Elks and that the stakes were high…likely leading to the Brunot Treaty and the subsequent expulsion of the native groups from these San Juans, (so the white folks could mine the money).
In addition to the IOUs other items listed include a Milwaukee Braves baseball cap, a Big Chief tablet, a case of Red Man Chew and a crumpled photograph of Ulysses S Grant, the reigning President before and after the Utes moved to Utah.
“In the information age this appears to be quite enough for us to substantiate a theory or two,” said Gold.
Additional more personal items are expected to be added to the master list soon to be released by a crack excavation team from Ignacio.
