Author Archive for M. Toole
Dangers of Secondhand Hot Air Told
(Denver) The Colorado Department of has issued a rare warning on secondhand hot air in a non-election year. Citing the millions of dollars spent in the state by candidates and special interests in 2012, the state agency suggested that no prospective change is in the wings and that the results of that most recent election will lead to no constructive campaign reform.
“It’s just like blowing smoke in a classic sense, inconsiderate, dangerous, but still legal in this country,”said department spokesman, Mona Wrinkle. “Every four years voters cut off their noses to spite their faces, but we still retain this stone age pork barrel comprehension of change. People are at risk from this continued barrage of hot air and don’t know what to do about it. The problems all start from the top but the poorly informed electorate drop the ball,” she gasped.
Wrinkle also said that secondhand hot air has been deemed harmful by a slew of state and local agencies all over the country but legislation to correct the threat is far from a reality.
“The proverbial smokey back room is still full of hot air and remains in vogue,” she began. “In the Senate, in the House, in the Oval Office and down on Main Street we hear nothing but calculated opinions and more of the same promises. Every election sees the American voter plagued with misdirections and hype that leads to more of the same ridiculous folly.”
The health people say they cannot control the system but that they seek to alleviate the source of the antagonism. Exposure to hot air has been blamed for illogical response in the voting booth.
“All politicians are full of it,” said Wrinkle. “It’s the nature of the beast as it were. We’re simply trying to protect the people from immediate health risks. We are not politically affiliated.”
The health department hopes to combat these dangers by banning political attacks in public places where people are most likely to be exposed to hot air. They have already designated sensitive areas as hot air sections where no politician is welcome and discouraged the outright purchase of candidates by special interests in and out of the United States.
“In addition we have helped to educate children as to the disaster of basing decisions on political jargon and especially promises made by people trying to get elected to everything from President to dog catcher.”
Wrinkle then warned of a little known phenomenon called post traumatic election syndrome which occurs when voters realize that, despite the propaganda, their vote really means nothing in the grand scheme of things and that the current system eats its young. Although no clinical counseling is available at this time Wrinkle told The Horseshoethat she and her staff are there for voters who need to turn the corner on this growing health hazard.
– Gabby Haze
Crested Butte Doctor’s Log, 1891
Workers remodelling what was left of an old livery stable near downtown Crested Butte recovered the following doctor’s log dated 1891. It was actually discovered in a small oak filing cabinet under what appears to have been a very busy operating table. The record, penned by Doctor Emil Turlo, recounts a somewhat tedious workday in the late 19th Century. Although not much has been written about this physician we did manage to recover a few facts about the man and the curious path which brought him here.
According to sketchy county records and a few old timers who say they actually met Turlo before his death in 1920 the doctor was a likeable man who always had time for his patients. His name appears on almost every birth certificate in Gunnison County from 1879 to 1912, crediting him with the delivery over 900 babies in his 30 year career. In addition he is said to have treated an astonishing cast of characters from gun fighters to ministers with a healthy dash of prospectors, politicians and prostitutes filling out the roster.
According to hearsay compliments of several of the surviving infants that Turlo helped bring into the world, he arrived in town late in 1878, having spent the better part of a decade in the sterile surroundings of Baltimore’s Mercy Hospital. Prior to that he had served as a battlefield surgeon with the Union Army seeing action in such vacation spots as Chancellorsville, Fort Hudson and Vicksburg. Weary of frontline medicine, he had journeyed west in 1877 to pursue a new career as the personal physician to Serbian Count Rudolph Pazardzhik, first cousin to Alexander of Battenberg, who had only months before been elected Prince of Bulgaria. Unfortunately Pazardzhik was mortally wounded during a poker game in Denver and Turlo found himself with nothing left to do but oversee the funeral arrangements.
Displaced, Turlo decided to head to California but instead, after losing animals and provisions in a late blizzard on what is now Cottonwood Pass, arrived in Crested Butte the next spring. He secured accommodations and, at breakfast the next morning, found that the town was without a doctor. He saw several patients that very afternoon.
Doctor’s Office Log, February 28, 1891
Dr. Emil Turlo, Physician
Note: It should be a busy day today as the miners got paid yesterday afternoon. Be sure to keep an extra supply of bandages, needles and thread, and some of that Kansas City whiskey for an emergency anesthetic.
8 am: Early patients include Roy Berenger, the Jokerville superintendent who is still complaining about the gout, and Mrs. DalRoe, who remains convinced that she is losing her hair. I put Berenger on a strict vegetable diet and demanded he stay out of the liquor cabinet for a month, but from the smell of his breath he won’t followed my instructions. Gout is quite painful but he’s the niggardly mine boss and what goes around comes around. I prescribe some candy pills for Mrs. DalRoe, she pays me in chickens, and she goes away happy for the time being.
8:30 am: The first survivors of last nights brawl begin to trickle in. First is Nick Flynn, who is probably the least proficient street fighter in Colorado. He’s been in over 35 fights since arriving in town, and according to my notes, he’s lost every one of them. He needs a few stitches on his chin and his arm could be broken. He tells me that the facial cuts came from the bar while the arm was soundly broken by (Mrs.) Nora Flynn upon his arrival home later in the evening. Others requiring stitches include Billy Margolis, Sam White and Katie Armbruster, who reportedly won the brawl hands down. None of them have any money until next payday. So what else is new.
9:00 am: Several of the town’s more respectable citizens stop in complaining of dizziness and stomach disorder. It’s too early for the spring run-off. I prescribe a few stiff toddies and a good night’s sleep. Most of my patients will follow my instructions but I think I’ve offended Gert Simmons once again and she’s headed over to talk to the local preacher about my soul. Harold Beete, whom I served with during the War Between the States, came through the back door again this morning. He has a nasty case of the clap and required yet another dosage of Grandma Haney’s tea. I tell him that he’s too old for this kind of thing, and he just winks and heads off for the red light district once again. Mr. Howe, of Jack’s Cabin is brought in by two of his hired men. He has a severely broken leg and almost breaks the other one falling off my operating table. He will have to go to Denver for recuperation.
10:00 am: Doc Shores, the former marshal at Telluride, stops by to warn me that several escaped convicts may be headed this way. He says one is wounded and may be looking me up. I load the shotgun and place a pistol in my medicine bag promptly. Three ladies of the evening stop by, complaining that, while out on a morning stroll, their hair froze to the sides of their faces and I help them thaw out and give them a cup of tea. Warren T. Silt arrived a little late with part of his ear in a paper sack. He says his little brother, Walt, bit the thing off during a fight over whose dog was the smartest. The dog is fine. I sew the ear back on. Warren pays me one dollar. Besides the chickens from Mrs. DalRoe, it is the only payment received so far today. The blind proofreader from the Elk Mountain Pilot stopped by whining about a toothache. He says he’s leaving town and headed for Wichita to pursue a career as a gunfighter. I pull three or four teeth, (I can’t remember the number) wish him good luck, and send him on his way.
11 am: It’s still an hour away from lunch and the loonies just keep showing up at my door. Rudy Martinez, who is always punctual, arrives for a final checkup. He fell in the mine last year, but appears to be ready to go back to work. It’s a good thing he has neighbors who care, since those scaliwags over at the mine didn’t offer to help him out. Martha Dubchec stopped by complaining of a persistent headache. She looks a little yellow. I tell her to quit working so hard and get more sleep. She likes the idea. We may have made it through the flu season without any little kids getting sick this year, but it’s still a little early to tell. Mattie Sorenson bangs on the back door and wants me to tend to her mare. I have to leave the office for a while.
1:00 pm: Lunch was nice and Mattie’s mare threw a fine little chestnut filly. The Sorenson family owns the local mercantile and Mattie credits the office three dollars for my trouble. She’s a fine looking woman, but I’m 25 years her senior. The door is back open as a line forms around the front office and down the stairs. It’s early for the fights to start, but then again it’s getting on to the weekend and there’s no tellin’ who is after who. First in line is the newly elected mayor who has been threatening to close down the brothels. He won’t stay in office long and won’t live long either with that kind of philosophy. Two of the cowboys from the McGregor spread roughed him up a bit but he’ll survive. I tell him to lose weight. I treat a spiffy gambler for a gunshot wound and he pays me with a silver dollar.
2:00 pm: It appears that the day’s emergencies are on the downside, but I must keep the faith as evening beckons. They never told me I’d be sewing up so much meat back in medical school. Maybe I should have been a surveyor like my father. A young Ute boy is brought in with a high fever. With him are his mother and a local medicine man who watches my every move. The boy will be all right if they can keep him warm. They offer a young pony for my services, but I settle for a necklace made from bear’s teeth instead. Local bullies Jack Smith and Tom Lewis are back from Idaho and are sending me a healthy cross-section of victims to keep my company most of the afternoon. Somebody ought to send me them. Someday it will happen. Mrs. DalRoe is back with a bag full of hair. She needs attention so I send her to the local barber, who may still be sober enough to deal with her.
3:00 pm: I receive a telegram from a potential associate, Dr. Ashwan Parvenu, of Santiago, Chile. Dr. Parvenue has expressed interest in joining my practice here in Crested Butte. Something tells me he’s on the run and looking for a place to hide. That’s all right. I can use another set of hands around here. He’s said to be an accomplished surgeon, but is quick with the saw. Bill Hickock stops by to pay a late bill. He wouldn’t be so bad if he’s quit believing his press clippings. Says he’s in the county looking for Wyatt Earp, who runs a faro parlor down in Gunnison. The state medical examiner has wired me that he will not be able to meet this month. We haven’t met since 1889. Several of the miners from Iola and Vulcan are in town for a cock fight. I better load up with splints. Old Man Harris has finally sold his interest in the Peanut Mine to the railroad. Maybe now he’ll pay off his gambling debts and his doctor bill.
4:00 pm: Estelle Crabtree is rushed into my office by her idiot off-spring Clarence. According to the bumbling boy, she has swallowed another cigar. I give her a taste of my private stock and tell her the thing will come out when it wants to. She leaves with some candy pills and promises to quit smoking and talking at the same time. I tell her there’s nothing I can do about her son, either. Medical science is still searching for a cure for what ails him. There’s a big polka dance tonight at the Croatian Hall. I plan to attend with my accordion and my doctor’s bag. We see more injuries from polka than from breaking horses and bar fights combined. I think I’d better take a bath, as Mattie will surely be there. Owen Bright, the recognized town drunk, stops by with a bad cough. I prescribe three days work and a break from his bad habits. He asks if the three days have to be in a row. He’s not happy with my diagnosis and stomps off to the saloon. I lance a bunion on Norma Mason’s big toe. That woman has the strangest looking feet I’ve ever seen. I prescribe rest and larger shoes. Harry Tillman has another lump on his head. He and his big-boned bride, Lolly, have been at it again and it’s not even a full moon yet. Some people shouldn’t drink.
4:30 pm: Just as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel one of our esteemed local trappers, Miracle Pete, is brought in on a makeshift stretcher. According to his partner, Cookie McAlban the two were doing some prospecting up Washington Gulch and he was mauled by a grizzly bear. He’s lucky to be alive, but it looks like I’ll have a house guest for a week or two. The town undertaker shows up via the back door, suffering from severe depression. I suggest that he takes a cut in pay and goes back into the livery business. Mrs. DalRoe is back, this time with a batch of chocolate cookies. She proceeds to tell me that there is no truth, whatsoever, to the rumor that she has been feeding the medicine I prescribed to her dog, Rex. Mrs. Bigwater’s third grade class shows up for a tour of the facilities but are scared off by Miracle Pete. I guess he’s good for something after all.
5:00 pm: Just as I am attempting to shut the door for the evening, three ladies from Miss Hempleton’s House of Delight arrive for their annual physicals. They are pronounced fit as a fiddle and a future payment is negotiated. A rumor of a measles epidemic over in Baldwin is verified, as Mrs. Fabio hauls in her thirteen children. All of them have the symptoms and I prescribe applications of baking soda and dandelion tea. I ask Mrs. Fabio if she’s ever had the measles and she says she has not but that she’s been to Denver once. I let her response go over my head as she will be very busy for the next few days. As I sit down for the first time since lunch, I can hear polka music coming from the hall. I guess it’s finally time to put my dancing shoes on.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
OUR REGION
with Melvin Toole
Much of Colorado Now Wyoming
(Cowdrey) High winds are blamed for the forced transfer of about 500 acres from Colorado to Wyoming according to meteorologists here. The land, mostly topsoil and road dust, is now in the custody of Wyoming serfs who intend to raise cattle on it.
“At approximately four o’clock Colona time an estimated 498 acres of Colorado crossed over the sovereign border of the State of Wyoming, effectively joining the Commonwealth of Wyoming” said a spokesman for the U.S. Weather Service. “At this time we do not expect topographic maps to be altered or a military response of any kind. We will not know the appropriate action to take until the surveyors have completed a primary charting of the area in question.”
Angry Coloradans from Crook to Cortez are demanding action. Already militia units, backed up by the Air Force Academy marching band are operating along the border. Carpet bombing has been ruled out since the area in question is covered with thousands of tiny throw rugs.
“There may be a lot of threats and some saber rattling in the Colorado House,” flinched the weather service source, “but we don’t foresee land troops or a naval blockade at least this morning.”
Calmer heads in the legislature suggest that since the land was not taken by force, the intelligent approach is simply to sit back and wait for a good north wind.
ANARCHISTS CONTINUE TO HOLD LAUNDROMAT
(Lake City) The Lost Sock Laundromat remains in the hands of desperate anarchists who seek to redefine political and social stability in this once peaceful town. The squatting troops, numbering at least four, aided by subversive elements on Henson Creek, insist they can hold out until hunting season.
The situation has gained national attention as Janet Reno and 25,000 FBI agents are currently surrounding the site. The feds, embarrassed by violent overreaction in places like Waco and Ruby Ridge, have yet to make contact with the anarchists. They have, however, created a shortage of bologna and ammunition in Hinsdale County.
“We’re pretty sure these rascals are mixing colors and whites and leaving laundry in the dryers longer than what is acceptable in modern society,” said one Dalhart tourist as she washed the family laundry on rocks near Lake San Cristobal. “Some of them aren’t even using fabric softener.”
At press time there is a lot of dirty laundry in Lake City.
“Thank goodness for the T-shirt shops or we’d all have to go around naked,” continued the Texas woman. “This episode has been on the rinse cycle far too long.”
Consumer Group Claims Shock Electric Company
(Ouray) San Miguel Power Company has been accused of using “old electricity” in its wires and of illegal recycling of power by enchanted wind instruments. According to a story in The Pea Green Peeper San Miguel Power has misrepresented its product, selling used electric current as if it were brand new.
“There is no truth to these cruel accusations,” said Oral Waters, legal council for the power company. “They are only the work of angry men who have invested thousands of dollars in generators only to realize that Y2K is just another crock of bird paste. We ferment all of our own electricity right here below Box Canyon Falls. We can prove it. We have the receipts.”
July 31 Competition Canceled
(Gunnison) The annual bloodletting involving the Class A Woodstock Geezers and the Extreme Barbecue Gladiators has been called off since it could rain. The match will be moved to Parlin and played as part of a doubleheader on August 4. Persons who have purchased admission slips for the games will be shuttled to Parlin from evacuation points all along Tomichi Creek. Others unable to attend the event are encouraged to sell tickets at designated shoulders along Highway 50. Scalping will not be tolerated without note from one’s barber.
ASYLUM TO CLOSE FOR REPAIRS
(Delta) The Pea Green Psychiatric Hospital will close for repairs from July 21 to August 31. Inmates, patients and staff will be released on the morning of July 20 so crews can prepare for the long needed overhaul of facilities there. Most seriously ill clients of the asylum will be placed in local government positions since many of the regular employees have taken summer vacations. The remaining patients will be driven to Ouray and Telluride where they will roam the streets until the work has been completed.
Smoke Jumpers Save Burning VW
(Ridgway) 700 battle-hardened smoke jumpers dropped into town the other night just in time to avert what might have been an undetected disaster. The jumpers landed on North Cora Street just as a Volkswagon bus caught fire. The blaze was quickly brought under control prior to the arrival of 400 more fire fighters from the region.
“It’s a good thing those smoke jumpers showed up or we might have lost the entire town,” said fireman David Houtz who reportedly made over $10,000 selling gin and tonics to the crowd.
ARE YOU RIGHT WITH GRAMMAR?
by Edwin R. Whom
Today most Americans cannot spell, make correct change, take responsibility for their own actions or tell us where Canada is located. It is sad. But where, you may ask, did the tragic breakdown first occur? I’ll tell you…It was in the subject of grammar. It is the mastery of this elusive study therefore that stands as the hero of our legacy, the bastion of rock and roll lyrics, the saving grace of the culture. Tread lightly ye rudimentary heretic!
In the following sentences identify the subject, the predicate, all adverbs, adjectives, pronouns, action verbs, prepositions, articles and dangling participles.
1. A penniless Lorain could not find her way out of the suspended paper bag only because the Gypsy prince had relieved her of the master key, among other things.
2. In his tiny head Cal was still the everyday left fielder even though he had not signed so much as one autograph since 1956 and, off the field, was often mistaken for a hockey puck.
3. Suddenly Ben’s peruke slid into the jello salad exposing him for exactly what he was–a confused, though not unattractive, after hours parasite!
4. Maureen didn’t enjoy rats but was often overheard to say, “Mongoose make suitable companions after a flash flood or other tropical storm.”
5. A tentative Maurice tossed down a quick domestic six-pack before heading off into the harsh Montana swampland and into a horizon known locally as Alberta.
Mandatory Unemployment Bill Passes House
(Denver) Amid gay marriage resolutions, NRA-sponsored recalls and marijuana tax codes a controversial new bill requiring residents to take at least a month off from work per year has narrowly passed the House here. The plan, which calls for a sharing of resources by the established work force, is aimed at reducing, even eliminating, bothersome employment statistics once and for all.
“In simple language we are striving for full employment on paper,” said a representative from Cahone who demanded animosity. “If Colorado has more job seekers than jobs then it stands to reason that the jobs be spread out more effectively.”
At present state determination of unemployment numbers is based on data compiled on behalf of only those who apply for Unemployment Insurance and does not calculate those who are simply without work and have not registered or do not qualify for assistance.
When finally implemented the program calls for more leisure time and an increase in legal diversions available to the idle. If a resident has held down a job for twelve months he will at some time have to relinquish his post in favor of someone who is out of work.
“That’s how they do it in Europe,” said the Cahone source. “How else could all of those sidewalk cafes be so busy in the middle of the workday?
The bill may have trouble passing the senate in that most of the elected members take recess amounting to about four months of relaxation and another six for campaigning. That leaves about two months to change society for the betterment of all.
“Most of my colleagues are way out of touch with the everyday struggles of their constituencies,”said the source, “so don’t expect them to cast a favorable vote. They fight every time the subject of minimum wage comes to the docket and don’t know the price of a carton of bread or a loaf of milk.”
It is hoped that the amendment will become law since it could both increase productivity while giving people more time to sit on their fat arses and watch important television programs.
– Manual Flushe
