Author Archive for M. Toole
Bunker Reruns Making Impact
(Bland Valley — Television and Trivia — June 5, 2016)
Ever since local television has been presenting reruns of Norman Lear’s All in the Family, an ultra-popular weekly series originating in January of 1971, the lead character Archie Bunker has been getting a lot of attention. Surprisingly, a vast majority of viewers strongly relate to the fictitious Queens factory worker/philosopher, played to acclaim by Carroll O’Connor.
Many, who have trouble separating real life from, life portrayed on the TV screen, classified the program as drama rather than comedy.
Of the 400 people surveyed 325 thought Archie was a reasonable man at an unreasonable time. They say he was just a good guy trying to make a living. 80% said the Bunker family was highly functional. Most agreed that they would share a beer with Bunker. Six people said they thought he would make a good President.
In an impromptu man-on-the-street poll 93% said that even if they did not completely agree with the character they could understand his line of thinking from 45 years ago. Of the males interviewed a whopping 96% said they wish their wives were more like Edith. Most added that they would never allow a liberal son-in-law in their homes.
Cultural despots conducted further audits throughout Western Colorado but the findings were stifled when some pinko meathead dingbat lost the statistics.
– Lionel Stivic
Bombs Away Bullet Babies!
GOP/NRA delegates arrived in Cleveland early to get a good seat for the Republican Convention. Note the traditional straw hats, symbolizing the juvenile jingoism that often pervades this wasteful fiasco. Democracy-Lite has masqueraded for true democracy since 1782. Mindless robots pledge allegiance and mumble patriotic songs but don’t comprehend the meaning behind it all. In an interesting modification from past years, the Cleveland GOP Convention center doors will be locked from the outside so as to avoid spillover into the mainstream of American life. (Sammy Jingo Photo)
Jai Alia Nacional pasatiempo para muchos
(Corral Gables – El Diablo Libro de imágenes – June 3, 2016)
El deporte del Jai Alai fue votado como el deporte más popular en una encuesta realizada por los intereses de juego aquí. De largo asociado con las apuestas y la velocidad, el deporte a menudo se ha jugado sin público con grandes apuestas realizadas en el resultado.
Su aumento de la popularidad se le atribuye en parte al éxito de ley de lacrosse de casino, una versión pervertida de la vieja deporte nativo. Lacrosse Casino surgió en Colorado junto con estacas limitados los juegos de azar en la década de 1990 y la marihuana legal en 2013.
Alto rango en todas las encuestas indican que los estadounidenses se están volviendo aún más perezoso Deportes espectáculo. Prefiriendo para ver en vez de participar, un indicio serio de la inteligencia más baja, la mayoría de la gente sentía que viendo era menos peligroso más fácil en la capacidad de atención individual. Casinos hoy ofrecen partidos televisados de este deporte para los que son demasiado perezosos o distraído para recoger a una mano de cartas.
– Gabby Haze
Deadheads’ Dogs Detained
(Red Rox — Canned Canine News — March 2016)
Several hundred arrested dogs, allegedly associated with Deadheads, have been released from three Denver Animal Control Units this morning. The animals were nabbed outside a recent Grateful Dead concert held her, near Morrison, Colorado.
According to a report security people called the dog cops when it became apparent none of the pooches were prepared to buy tickets and were about to storm the gates.
“Some skinny hippie by the name of Morrison paid their bail and we had no choice but to release them,” said a uniformed officer. “We’ll all be in court before summer.”
The dogs were released in downtown Denver, given a cheap suit and ten dollars and told stay out of trouble. They immediately headed west toward Red Rocks.
Attempts to positively identify the dogs’ benefactor have failed. No one in Morrison seems to know anyone named Morrison currently residing in Morrison.
– Attila Diggins
Mammoth TV Still Holding Hostages
(Blanding, UT — That’s News to Me — May 31, 2016)
A 220-inch Sony Trinitron-Mega Brain Television continues to hold about a dozen people hostage over the noon hour, according to police on their way to lunch. Seven former prisoners of the appliance were released this morning just as the FBI arrived on the scene.
“The hostages walked right out the front door at Melvin’s Three-Hour Donut and Digital TV Hut,” said one unreliable source. “They looked like they were in some sort of trance.”
Limited information tells us that the seven were released after negotiators pressed the issue of often moronic shows, re-runs and fear-based news programs, and the TV capitulated. But not before a barrage of curses at the cops that had now surrounded the strategic target with more than 1400 officers and a Just Say No tank, on loan from the government of Colombia.
It was not completely clear if the actions were politically motivated or if the TV just popped it’s top prior to the seizures. Police, armed with radios, have threatened to rush the front door unless the television surrenders peacefully.
The armament status of the TV is not known.
The proprietor of Mel’s was on vacation in Mexican Hat at the time of the incident and could not be contacted for what would have undoubtedly been another of his long-winded, multi-directional comments.
– Susie Compost
