Author Archive for M. Toole

Honor Student Stickers Stolen

(Montrose) Some 300 blue and white bumper stickers declaring “Columbine Honor Student Parent” are missing from the middle school’s vault according to insiders there. It is feared that the stickers, which are awarded to students who make the school’s honor roll, have been circulated among lower achievers.

     “It’s getting so you don’t know who to believe,” said one source at Columbine. “The Columbine is the state flower and was once a trusted symbol of Colorado of beauty and excellence.”

     Status symbols and Colorado souvenirs in general demand a high price on the thriving Black Market as several have been sighted as far away as Corrales, New Mexico. It is not known if this current crisis is related to a string of 2022 felonies where crooks, armed to the teeth with high-grade explosives, systematically dismantled entire bumper mechanisms to get at the coveted stickers.

     Residents are asked to report any scandalous display of these sticky accolades by persons who appear clearly incapable of spawning an honor student. Authorities ask that citizens do not attempt to apprehend these callous persons or to confiscate their ill-gotten kudos. Instead concerned residents are asked to jot down the license number of the offender and call police.

 -Zorro DesPlants

Harris and Hamas confused by Trump

(Detroit) President Donald of Orange repeatedly intertwined the words Harris and Hamas in speech to GOP Youth here.

Political analysts from the sunny side of the street disagreed as to the linguistic, often semantic overlaps. Were they well-orchestrated attempts to equate Trump’s  former opponent to an Israeli-groomed  terror group or just more Trump meandering, calling attention to his greatness and mistreatment at the hands of adversaries

Shit happens when one surrounds oneself with loyal jackbooted thugs and Stepford Wives. Trump has continually challenged his foes with displaced patriotism and paper toughness. He likes to show up and hang with pro wrestlers to show his manhood.  But yesterday the former President was unconditionally banned from the spotlight after WWF officials refused to sanction his presence in the ring due to “a moral code unbefitting of a professional wrestler”.

A Libertarian-based group has banished Trump from speaking until he pays debts owed from rented hall charges in 2016.

Nascar has already excluded Trump from any association with the sport because he is short several cubic inches. The Horseshoe apologized for taking this statement out of context and did so only in “the spirit acceptable language”. Trump remains as the main draw at various agricultural festivals nationwide and a tractor pull on Pennsylvania Avenue for Valentine’s Day.

-Small Mouth Bess

HACKERS RELEASE CONGRESSIONAL EMAILS

(Washington) Hackers have successfully breached Congressional security, making public direct contact data common to the legislative group. Moments after forced entry, the hackers announced that emails, social security information and even home phone numbers would now be available to citizens of the world.

The cyber break-in, one of the most extensive to hit the United States, promises to send piercing shock waves through world governments either allied or at odds with the governing body here. Even the White House has been put on alert in apprehension of further interruptions and potential sabotage.

It is feared that identity theft is already in motion, blurring the partisan image across the aisle and making it virtually impossible to tell the elected officials from lobbyists that congregate each day just outside the sanctimonious doors of the Capitol.

The sensitive information now floating in cyberspace could pose serious security issues but will also allow constituents unprecedented access to their elected officials. Already many Americans have called their Congressmen at home to suggest action or complain of undoings.

“We have reached a new plateau of freedom in this nation in that these coyotes and their entourage are now forced to be responsive to the needs of their constituencies,” said an unreliable source who has reputedly been on the phone all night. “In the recent past they would simply release a double-talk statement through their attorney or public relations department. Now they will have to talk directly to their fellow countrymen who, as the early returns suggest, are not pleased with the workings of their gov’ment.”

It is not known if this development will lead to a rational exchange and elected officials might start listening instead of talking.

“All most of these elites care about is themselves and their reelection,” said the source. “Now the tables may have turned.”

For all of you that called in: We do not know how the hacking will affect the popular Win Lunch with Your Congressman Contest now in progress all across the land.

– Mario Swervo

Elf Season Expected to have major impact

(Gunnison) The 2025 Elf Season is expected to bring over 5000 hunters into the Gunnison basin over the first two-weeks of March. Despite conflicts over licenses and access to traditional hunting areas, the hunt is expected to have a major economic impact. Revenues collected could leap into the millions allowing residents extra cash with which to live it up or perhaps an escape to warmer climates this spring.

     Both the Colorado Treasury and the IRS remind merchants that they are not required to report earnings related to elves since there is no proof that they actually exist. Both taxing agencies went on to wish everyone Good Hunting!

GIANT FRUITCAKE SCULPTURE ON LAST LEG

(Ouray) The massive fruitcake sculpture that has graced the beach at the Ouray Pool  for the holidays is falling down, according to underwater sources here. Conservative projections suggest that the sculpture will melt and/or have seriously eroded by the weekend.

     “Hey, it looked great while it lasted,” said a lifeguard. “One can’t expect something as fragile as fruitcake to last more than a few months up here. The daytime sun could burn the hide off a mountain goat and the nighttime temperatures would freeze the arse of a well digger.”

     The fruitcake sculpture has been a common sight around the holidays for decades since snowpack has been unstable and often present in insufficient amounts to construct more traditional Rocky Mountain snow structures.

     A committee of reluctant volunteers has been formed to study the feasibility of erecting next year’s fruitcake indoors so as to ensure longevity.

REINDEER GRAFFITI UPSETS LOCAL ELK HERDS

(Tomichi) The overnight emergence of gangs of leftover reindeer have never been taken lying down by local wapiti. This possessive species not only resents the seasonal invasion, which results in damage to the local ecosystem, but feels that the rowdy reindeer are setting a bad example for younger members of both herds.

     The most recent bugaboo centers on the miles of tasteless graffiti left all over trees, walls and roadways in the reindeer’s wake. The elk, backed up this time by longtime adversaries the mule deer, are calling for mass deportations. They say the reindeer would not belong here even if they were behaving themselves and that the graffiti and constant flashing of gang signals is only the beginning of the chaos to follow.

     “They are eating our pets!” cried one obese Liar Bull.

     A legal counsel for the elk told The Horseshoe that local herds do not appreciate interference on the part of “these invasive aliens”. Calling the reindeer “animals and thugs” he said that their recognized leader, an elf named Santa Claus, was no more than a two-bit warlord.

     Police have promised to monitor reindeer behavior but complain that they are frustrated by the situation in the courts and by chronic overcrowding in penal institutions.

     In a related story, there is still no word on the elf reconnaissance team that lost radio contact while on routine patrol in the Stinking Desert last Tuesday. The highly skilled group was sent out in search of a rare perennial cactus that is said to cure rampant stupidity when ingested as a potent tea.

-Pepper Salte

Christmas Planned Again for 2025

(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding it appears that consumers will again undergo the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.

     Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.

     “Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘11. “Now we realize that these kinds of holidays are just as important in an esoteric sense but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”

     Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.

     “I don’t care how many bags of charcoal or Butterball turkeys go through the checkout stand at the grocery. That figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”

     Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.

     Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2024.

     “It’s just more expensive to pull off than back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids puts the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.

     Toole added that Christmas ’25 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.

     “We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.

– Al K. Hall