Author Archive for M. Toole
ECONOMY MOSTLY CLOUDY FOR NEXT FEW DAYS
Financial skies were mostly overcast over much of the nation today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while interest rates pelted the Pacific Northwest.
Cooler investments and scattered stock options continue to plague the East with showers likely on Wall Street before closing. A cold front will push across the Midwest and collide with an upswing in retail sales before the weekend as an inflation will cause gusty winds in the foot hills of the Rockies. Nonetheless consumers can expect to get soaked.
Meanwhile indoors the climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by Memorial Day when winds will reach unbelievable proportions again. Highs today were predicted on both the New York and American Stock Exchanges and at elevations over 10,000 feet. Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat with periods of incredible boredom persistent through the early evening. An imbalance will surface during the night due to a high pressure system arriving from the Common Market and a bothersome Japanese current.
Bold face quotations include “Tie down the horses! It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures”. Supply-side global warming is sure to cause major deficits in annual snow-pack but six-packs of northerly moisture brewing in Canada could alleviate the situation for a few days.
-Pepper Salte
Wind Takes Toll on Flag Persons
(Ridgway) Powerful winds have made life all but intolerable for flaggers working on highways here according to “anonymous sources in orange”. While performing other tasks in the gusty thrusts is no picnic, standing in one spot for eight to ten hours per day is shear hell.
“I’d rather freeze or melt than be chipped away at by the wind,” said one veteran of the roads. “I don’t know why we can’t do all these repairs in January and February when we have nice, calm weather.”
Other workers suggested that temporary domes be built over the roadway that is under construction. Drivers might enjoy a stroll, drink a cup of coffee or just chat while the roadwork plunges on. After that chunk of the asphalt is readied the dome slides north or south and protects another segment of society.
Although no real relief is in sight, sources high on the food chain at C-DOT report zero casualties as the result of wind. Last Friday, however, one man, Ed Chicopee Jr of Ridgway, was picked up and carried half way up Dallas. Ten minutes later his 340-pound mass landed safely, and without further incident, in a neighbor’s haystack.
At first eye witnesses thought the flight was some sort of astronaut stunt but when he didn’t come back someone called headquarters.
“We found Ed a bit stunned but all right and gave him the rest of the day off. He’s got a desk job now,” said a spokesperson for the highway department, plotting yellow dot and dash patterns along the center of the asphalt. We’re not sure what they mean but he’s enjoying the challenge.”
Bosses here hope that sessions in Gestalt/Primal Scream therapy will reduce friction on the job. Employees have been rather testy of late. It’s the wind. This therapy is offered free every Saturday morning in the Rangely office and all affected employees are urged to attend.
In a related development sources the Colorado Department of Highways still won’t tell us who made the decision to use a highly-toxic Magnesium-Chloride solution on the roads this winter. The stuff, which reputedly kills trees, rusts cars and, yes, melts snow was never employed back when it used to snow regularly…so stop doing it.
Hormone Spill Closes Stream of Consciousness
(Montrose) A massive hormone spill caused in part by concentrated high school graduation exercises has closed the Stream of Consciousness at least until next week. Civil engineers currently working around the clock to unclog and free up the waterway say they are making progress but the shear impact is tough to control.
“We get one current going the right way and before we know it there’s another emotional outburst or pubescent rip tides and we’re back where we started,” said one worker on the site.
The Army Corps of Engineers has considered calling in air strikes or dynamiting shallow areas but at present only shovels and one dredging machine are hard at it.
“I don’t see why all these hormones are so active now,” said the worker. “Maybe it’s spring fever.”
The State of Colorado was quick to reassure fishermen that the spill did not endanger fish and that the matter would be cleared up long before the Fourth of July Weekend.
“We may have some sensitive fish,” said one DOW spokesperson, “but everything should be back to normal soon. “I myself have never seen a trout with acne.”
State to burn excess run-off
(Denver) Due to seasonal moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.
Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.
“What we want to avoid here is summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”
Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.
Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.
“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.
Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their once burgeoning sources are cut off.
“Then comes the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch desert lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman. “It ain’t pretty no matter how high the air conditioner is set.”
Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than ignited. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of so many combustible chemicals.
“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know much until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, nobody’s bothered to ask the fish.”
– Gabby Haze
Bake sale to save the environment
(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!
Blue Mesa Vodka – Your Hedge Against Tariffs
(Gunnison) Fearing tariffs on imported alcohol, leaders here plan to drain Blue Mesa Reservoir and fill it with Polish, Finnish and Swedish vodkas.
Prioritizing natural wildlife and preserving the ecosystem the honeycombed transfers will begin on Tuesday with the exhausting chore completed before the 4th, according to a newly released and unprecedented agenda.
Diversions of late runoff and the dragging of the lake for harmful debris are likely to circumvent prior concerns. Then and only then will the lake be “restocked” with the imported booze. Traffic may be impacted on weekdays with a detour through Wyoming on the docket.
The reservoir, Colorado’s largest, would be pumped dry of water and replenished with rye grain or potato based inebriant for all to enjoy.
The current population of fish, including some of the largest Mackinaws on the planet and a thriving flathead catfish colony, will be relocated to a more serene habitat before the liquor is piped in.
“Add a few tones of olives, a few barrels of vermouth and we can then claim bragging rights as to the world’s largest vodka martini,” tethered Deep Eddie Taaka, who owns more than 200 miles of beachfront property in and around Blue Mesa.
The vodka levels are expected to reach capacity and remain at that proportion through the winter. Vodka does not freeze solid like water and can be easily monitored and examined for impurities from the air.
Already many local bars and restaurants have come on board featuring the local hooch and initiating bottling procedures that are in sync to begin in the spring.
Runoff, rain, snow melt and road dirt will be kept at bay by miles of tiny screens that buckle tightly to trees, rocks, beaches, abandoned craft or any other physical barriers deemed loyal to the development and protection of the flowing spirits.
Drinkers of imported vodka appear relieved today with the news that Gunnison and Montrose counties will employ tourist tax dollars to mold this innovative stretch into a solid reality.
Just months ago the very idea of filling a high-altitude lake with vodka seemed absurd but now, after blueprints, taste tests and triple distilling the concept has gained acceptance even from the most stubborn contingents.
In a related piece of news a move to rename Blue Mesa Reservoir Trump Loch Estuary by some local MAGA supporters was unanimously voted down in the Colorado House yesterday, effectively smothering the proposal before it reached the light of day.
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Gravity Levels Remain Dangerously Low Friday
