Author Archive for M. Toole

OTRA DISCULPA DE GROPPO

Nos hemos cansado de extender estas disculpas estacionales a Groppo el Elfo y su batería de abogados, pero en el espíritu de las fiestas vamos a llegar al fondo e intentar calmar un poco las aguas una vez más. En primer lugar, dejemos las cosas claras. El breve artículo que apareció en la edición de noviembre sobre la herencia de Groppo fue, hay que admitirlo, de mal gusto.

Además, no teníamos fotografías del elfo con el ganado local, aunque nos habían asegurado que era así. Las huellas, como se ha visto, desaparecieron la noche anterior a que se cerrara esta edición y nos vimos obligados a sustituirlas por una historia sobre el muy difamado esfuerzo de despiojar a Spar City y algunas fotografías en color de Melvin Toole colgando luces de Navidad en una de nuestras muchas prisiones locales.

Las repetidas referencias al abuso de alcohol de Groppo se presentaron fuera de contexto para no poner en peligro la reputación de los ciudadanos locales que, en la mayoría de los casos, parecen ser capaces de soportar tres hojas al viento sin incidentes. Es cierto que la estatura física y la capacidad mental de Groppo son el resultado de su dieta a base de escarabajos bombarderos, Twinkies y hierba de pantano digerida mientras crecía en Kenner, Louisiana. Esta acusación se puede verificar hablando con la dietista del elfo.

Además, los intentos de la familia de Groppo de cobrar daños y perjuicios por esta publicación son infundados e ilegales. Nunca dijimos que su familia inmediata estuviera compuesta por drogadictos, solo que los habitantes actuales de su árbol genealógico eran drogadictos y adictos a sustancias. Tampoco dijimos nunca que fueran alcohólicos, ya que la mayoría son supuestamente borrachos encubiertos y su comportamiento público, aunque sospechoso, no se puede registrar.

No importa todo eso. Estrechémonos la mano y despidámonos como amigos, Groppo. Después de todo, en realidad no eres peor que la mayoría de nosotros, especialmente cuando te vemos a través del filtro color de rosa de la Navidad.

– Editor

Santa denied Supreme Court appointment

(Crested Butte) Supreme Court candidate Santa Claus was in town skiing today attempting to shake off the bitter disappointment of rejection. Yesterday the White House announced that it was withdrawing its earlier nomination of the jolly old elf to fill one of the seats soon to come vacant on the United States Supreme Court.

     “We were never serious about the appointment,” said a White House . “It was just an attempt at comic relief over the holidays. We need to keep a sense of humor here.”

     Whether the shunning will affect any future aspirations of benevolence in the political arena was not clear, nor were his immediate plans after Christmas Eve.

     “Even if we wanted to get Santa appointed we would have to consider such elements as his Canadian ancestry, his much publicized one-world views and the fact that he is far too young for the position,” said the source. “He’s still a kid. You don’t see our oldeconservative justices out there skiing at 20 degrees.

     Although no one knows for sure, Santa is thought to be about 170-years-old.

     “Maybe when he matures and reaches the appropriate age group we will resubmit the nomination,” said the aide. “After all, we don’t need some kind of generation gap at the highest levels of decision making in this country.”

– Suzie Compost

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

     The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) that stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.

     Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week, was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?

     Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.

     Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

     With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…

ASK MR OUTSIDE

Mr. Outside, a recent arrival to Ridgway, doesn’t actually live outside but there are many here in what was once small town America, who would prefer that he did so. Mr. Outside doesn’t excel at winter sports or offer any services. H just likes the name, that he calls his brand. Despite his less than impressive resume people write to him for information, advice and consul.

Here are the official discussion questions for February 1 meetings.

Do your homework now and avoid tedious monologues and floggings later:

*What is smarter: a wallaby or a walleye?

*Who invented hibernation? Who pays for it?

*If you were hanging out at a chippunk bar and wanted to buy a round for the mouse what would you do?

*I just moved here from Moline. Where do I buy earwigs?

*Does taking my daily herbs and way with a jigger or two of Cork Gin negatively affect the potential health benefits of the herbs? What abut the vitamins? What about blowing ups all of the Starbucks in Europe this winter?

*Earwig Farms near Mañana  offers the highest quality earwigs in the Rockies due to an intricate, highly neurotic mating process rarely observed by humans

AI Scalp Massage. Weekly packages start at $300 inclues flu shot and tickets to Rockies spring training if you can pitch. Complete follicle emersion. 40-day money back guarantee.

Add to my rambling notes and create your own story:

Go ahead. It may be a more amusing way to spend an hour than shoveling any of the muddied snow that comes your way. Please do not send us your stories if they are in slow burn mode.

The Discovery of Fire Part III

“Witches,” they said. Ya sure Cavemen buy the program and High Priest condemns fire – his perceived loss of power. “Witches! Witches “cooked my britches in the cauldron of covens!” says the Spanish Bishop pulling up his breeches.   Ref: to Eating hot peppers from Peruvian silver mines, still several millennia away…

Cave men High Priest hierarchy/ talking about creating gods here for the people to worship and tithe.   “They are afraid. It will be easy.”

Then came a full eclipse of the sun and the holy man shenanigans…nothing. More ritual, maybe even human sacrifice like in the industrialized world. Nothing still and then like a miracle the dark lifted and the people rejoiced worshipping the new gods of the self-proclaimed and promoted Holy Man, now living in the nicest cave in town.

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LET THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT FINANCE YOUR NEXT MARTINI BREAKFAST MEETING. Call for more information. Dial 7 and be sutre to pay your taxes so EEUU can build more bombs.

Christmas 2024 Quiz: Name the sitee (man on the right)

and you could be behind the wheel of a 1966 Mustang as early as tomorrow morning…   (Who’s up there with Declan photos)