Author Archive for M. Toole

Top Ten Summer Reads

Too stoned to do yard work

by Thorazeen F. Puffinghouse

What is the plural of synopsis?

An elitist grammar pocket primer

Long-in-the-Tooth  “Self-contained at 102″

by Cowboy Earl MacAdoo

Cherry-picking the Bible without migrant labor

Pickin’ Fruit, Eating’ Beans Trilogy

How Denisovans played video games in night skies

Chronicles on the Discovery of Indirect Lighting

The King and I

Shedding Unwanted Weight by Stormy Daniels

Petroleum Menagerie

by Tennessee Walker’s Defense of Fracking Orchestra

Making The Apocalypse work for you 

Persian Crossword Destinies from Mohammad Mosaddeq 

When Yes means No and Maybe means Never

40 Double Talk Dinner Ideas

Vladimir Putin – Bullied at Leningrad High?

by Mary Trump

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the reading of the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.*

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

ROX Not Deported as Reported

Apology: Many Rockies “were demoted” not deported as yesterday’s sportswriters mistakenly promulgated. This website regrets any confusion, pain or inconvenience, to a dwindling fan base, that may have resulted from our poor “at bat” herein.

Bi-lingual response from baseball operations in Greeley was muted as agents from ICE donned masks and wild pitches for yet another mindless sweep that nets the innocent with the illegal. Perhaps the most notable surprise herein is that not one of the dumped players possesses a Spanish surname.

The furloughed athletes are mostly pitchers and infielders, making way for a radical approach to the remainder of the season: Beginning after the All Star game the team will field one pitcher, one catcher and seven outfielders in an attempt to deprive competitors of a self-described “unfair advantage” that has left the team some 30 games out of first place. Stiff fines will be levied for strikeouts.

Sources say it is unlikely that the moves will spawn lower beer prices at Coors Field.

Keystone refugees, currently housed in so many dugouts, are already on the trading block or are primed to play minor league ball at Albuquerque. Reaction all over the league was disbelief in that a “brash basement dweller” was attempting to so radically change the game of baseball.

From the Rockpile

“We are relieved that our gov’ment is protecting us from the international criminal faction but are thousands of deported babies really perpetrators?” asked Penelope Spotcheque, a retired social worker who now roams the post-game Blake Street bleachers looking for coins and valuables.

“It appears that anyone who even looks Latino is a target of gangs of authorized bullies who continue stumblebum raids and illegal detainments of American citizens. We thought the feds were looking to pinch murderers and rapists. Maybe not, heh?”

Our website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, takes full responsibility for our journalistic blunder but not for the poor workmanship of a one-dimensional, money-driven, unsportsmanlike front office of 2025 Colorado Rockies.

Let’s lose 120 in 2025!

– Rory Lyons

Don’t forget: This year’s Lodo Homeless Golf Tournament, to be held in Setember, has achieved approval and permission of the Denver City Council. The 2-day event will raise funds toward purchasing the Colorado Rockies Major League franchise in 2026.

KARMA MAN IN TOWN AGAIN

(Crested Butte) The much maligned Karma Man will once again be coming around the mountains for the summer. Despite attempts by some residents to convince him to circulate a wider radius, he will be in local faces through September. Civic and religious leaders have struggled to determine the source of his incredible powers but have failed, leading the scientific community to project that his activities are in sync with the cosmic flow.

“He was here last summer and people immediately started reaping what they had sowed,” said one local sage. “It’s a really beautiful sight to behold unless of course you are one of the people who have been taking extended draws against the bank of morality.

“This Karma Man character doesn’t have to do much,” he continued. “We do it all to ourselves. He is just the avenue of delivery, the medium of exchange on the stock market of destiny.”

Although nothing is etched in stone, the Karma guy’s tentative schedule is as follows:

Crested Butte: July 10 -20; Gunnison: July 21 -Aug 9; Montrose: Aug 10 – 22 Ridgway: Aug 23 – Aug 30) Ouray: August 23-August 30; Norwood: September 1-6; Telluride: September 7-21.

Any delusional or disallusioned inmates of the smaller towns in the region should report to the closest burg as defined above.

Please note: The signs says: We cannot make an appointment unless you have an appointment. Disruptive patients and their families will be treated accordingly.

HOW DID WE DO?
Please take this short quiz and share your feedback on karma-cleaning services rendered by Karma Man. If Karma Man owes you money he will get it to you. Your invoice is right by the phone. If you owe Karma Man money please send to Department of Insurgencies, Widows and Oreads Clinic,  33 Owen Meany Avenue, Circumference-on-Louvre, Paris.

-Mario Schwerveau

“Kiss my aura, Dora.”  – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)

Drive-In Reunion Slated for September 30

(Montrose) An action-packed reunion for people who lost their virginity at Mable’s Drive-In Theater between the years 1966 to 1976 is scheduled for September 30. According to organizers, throngs of “alumni” are expected.

     “We had taken every precaution to protect the privacy and reputation of our past customers,” said Mabel Schwartz, who operated the theater single-handedly between bad marriages and a stint at Canon City, from 1966 through 1996.

     “There’s not a spot left on our lot,” she said. All the seats are reserved.”

     The site of the former drive-in theater, on South Townsend where the Super Wal-Mart now stands, is virtually unrecognizable. RVs will receive special consideration. No proof of sexual status will be necessary.

     “We don’t expect people anyone to misrepresent themselves here,” continued our source. “Why would they? We’re operating on the honor system.”

     Costumes are encouraged and an array of cheap alcohol will be available under the counter. The films on tap have yet to be announced in that nobody really cared or cares what they might be in keeping with tradition.

     “We’re expecting to see a lot of 50s and 60s Chevys and Fords and maybe a Dodge or two,” smiled Mabel, who hopes to clean up on hot dog  and popcorn sales during the melee that will certainly follow.

     Maps to Mabel’s are available at all your favorite chains and at the chamber of comments. Sorry but no senior discounttickets will be accepted during the event.

– Portofino O’Toole

SUMMER HOROSCOPE

Welcome to another stroll through the cosmic greenbelt. Be assured that the validity of the following is on par with the validity of other sacred institutions and beliefs that brush against you like a yellow-eyed feline on the back porch of the stars. Keep in mind that, in an attempt to maintain the dim-witted flow, our forecasters use only pre-World War I field glasses, great wings of wax, solar-powered probing devices and the power of two thousand crumbling ancient Roman aqueducts to formulate our appraisals. For best results apply variables from your own star sign and allow the others to feast on their own leftover stew. Do not iron. Skipping signs, cutting in line or impersonating signs other than your own will be dealt with harshly in the celestial finale, which we estimate may occur any minute now. Allow horoscopes to stand/cool for fifteen minutes before opening.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Instincts of the juvenile variety may come to fruition by limelight. The smutty, orifice orchestra is not welcome in most civilized locales. There is nothing all that funny about loud burping or flatulent elevator jokes. Lady Luck’s attraction will soon melt away like ice on a summer sidewalk. But why not enjoy the ride. It’s better than pitching pennies at the ball and chain polka. Curious odors in the refrigerator could mean a night out with friends. Expound on the virtues of weight loss. Tonight: Burning tires in the streets sends a strong message.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

In grasping the jungle pecking order it all comes down to perception. Ruffling a few feathers should not be out of one’s repertoire. Earwax analysis is helpful in small doses but has its limits. You may connect again with a Taurus and/or a two by four. With an elevator ticket why take the stairs? Circuitous routes may draw attention in the center ring. Beware of downsizing purveyors of good fortune and venomous reptiles. Cupid may take an occasional look up your skirts/kilts during the warmer weather. Simply ignore him and he will go away. Tonight: Take a number, Bozo.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Skirt ticklish situations. Thinking on your feet allows for a quick, tactical retreat at a moments notice. Windows of opportunity may be covered in cheap plastic curtains through the end of the month. Deal with adversities as you would with a sticky deck of cards. Are pedicures legal in Tehran? Hire out all ugly, unpleasant tasks while embracing delightful endeavors. Why carry that weapon around if nobody can see it? Use your nice person voice when chastising houseplants. Tonight: Gin and prune juice at twenty paces.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Keep your eyes on the horizon and your ears to the ground. Cosmetic surgery may not compensate for an in-your-face disposition. Pay attention to mixed trends. Take monetary advice to heart only if accompanied by a cash advance. Eternity is often over-rated by people who are uncomfortable with mortality. Copernicus was a heretic. The sun revolves around the earth and the earth revolves around you. Enjoy initial strolls through first class seating. It is probably as close as you will ever get to the good champagne. Tonight: Read the manual again.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Idyllic temptations cannot be life threatening if you never leave the couch. Eroticism is an art, not a science. Always be on the lookout for a better lookout. If your right flank is exposed, shift artillery accordingly. When it comes to voicing opinions, condensed doesn’t have to mean diluted. Watch out for rogue spokes even in the positive cycle. Wash all whites separately. Write off detractors. Cultivate patience with a backhoe. Is it bad luck to walk under the ladder to success? Tonight: Tattoo removal is nothing to take lightly.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They often have kitchens, nice lawns and a place to sleep. Speak clearly when using other people’s credit cards. The best time for dieting appears to be next year. The best time for romance was last year. Tonight: The best offense is a good pretense.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage does not become tedious/mundane. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the summer. It will either confuse and/or impress. This is a recording. Chip shots in blinders but keep eyes wide open during time on the green. Tonight: Silly songs keep away relentless ghosts.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Keep a tight grip on yourself through the 19^th. Perceptions of entitlement may not gel with the realities of documented social status. Conditions have a direct bearing with conditions. Landing heads up has little to do with common sense. Your underwear may be made in China. When all else fails, trust your suspenders. A lover’s triangle could turn full circle when the multiplication tables are askew. All misunderstandings can be settled with the application of a little old-fashioned logic, but learn to duck just in case. Reward small animals generously. Tonight: Promises in the dark may net strict commitments at first light.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Get off the grid. Quit your job. Stop paying bills. Staying even is the same as broke when it comes to bank statement bingo. Worrying about your happiness is like drinking wheat bread. When all the bossman jobs are taken it’s time to abandon the blueberry patch. The mid-afternoon advances of a salty Neptune could leave a bad taste in your mouth come dinnertime. What weighs the most: A pound of feathers or a pound of conviction? Do creatures that hatch actually have birthdays? Tonight: It’s normal for the car wash to close at dark. It’s not about you.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything.  Today is perfect for making cookies in the kitchen or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your personal version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Tonight: Spend quality time with your woodpile.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when the noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Give yourself a little credit for what you have already accomplished. A little humor could break the ice with strangers while out angling on the frozen lakes of desperation. Tonight: The Pope is at Nascar. Now what?

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you brush your teeth afterwards. There are days when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try and other days when everything goes right even though you don’t try at all. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon then check the mail for goodies. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. If the sun is reluctant to shine down on you try adjusting your blinders. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle. Tonight: Swoon.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, sluice box alchemist, weekend conjurer, kinetic kingfish, pawn to the elements