Author Archive for M. Toole
Trump Blames LA Fires on Alternate Energy
(Mar-a-Lardo) This morning President Trump continued to blame progressives for the destruction in Los Angeles. Repeatedly saying that solar and wind were at fault
“Alternative energy won’t work and has never worked,” he affirmed. “Heat and wind equal fire. Everyone knows that.” he smiled. When it was suggested that Trump was playing politics with lives, he leaned on the late Pee Wee Herman’s response. “I know you are but what am I?”
The discovery of 700,000 year-old fish vomit in Denmark and Trump’s eye on Greenland. What is the link? Are these Danes disloyal too? Is Donald of Orange following Putin’s roadmap with a plan to invade Greenland? Will it b a two pronged attack with the Panama Canal in his sights?
He speaks in sound bites
No content do we hear
Promoting his agenda
With ego, hate and fear.
He communicates in short, quick mistruths with zero content while the Democrats didn’t communicate at all. He gives his supporters hot dogs and tells them those socialist elites are feasting on lobster. The irony here is that many of the people who voted for him will suffer the most.
Can our police be happy with the Presidential pardons of the January 6 murderers? More creeps are now or will be on the street while Donald of Orange talks about law and order. Extra! We will revisit the lowlifes from this development one year from now…January 2026. Stay tuned.
-Uncle Pahgre
A Pinch of Spring – Andalusia in February
If you’re too cheap to turn on the heat then at least close the door. It was chilly here this morning but people are still sitting in the sun sipping coffee and yelling for no good reason. Quickly I discover a throng of old farts here in lovely Arcos de la Frontera methodically watching (as if surprised) the perpetual arrival of another workaday bus from Jerez. They gape in apparent wonder as if the proletariat chariot was a spaceship from Mars. Staring as one as if they have never seen a bus before (12 or more go through their village daily)…Are they expecting the Second Coming?
Spain makes about as much sense as anyhere else, which is not very much.
The day warms and a blend of southern Spain and Africa lies in ambush. Eggs the size of apples, Moorish towers, tiny, winding streets, olives and cheeses, Serrano ham, exceptional breads and deserts, generous pours of brandy and haunting Flamenco. Horse racing on the beach at Sanlucar, futbal and Moroccan hashish in the air all for the price of an typical lunch in any Colorado ski town (without tip).
All is not gold
When bathing in Cordoba, Spain “very be careful” since size is everything you know. Checking in to the exceptional Mezquita Hotel in Cordoba I surveyed a rare treat – a bathtub into which I ensconced my road weary presence. Yes, it was built for an epiphany of tiny kings, not 3 wise men, reveling, knees in the air, in multiple personalities. But after a luxurious soak and a struggle, I realized I was stuck in the tub. The bottom of this once-alluring fettered cistern was also slick as the devil so as to prohibit gravitational efforts at any blueprint for escape. I could not turn in such a way as to remove myself. It was also without politically correct hand rails to leverage an exit from the water. I simply could not eject myself from this tight porcelain cask. Did I feel stupid. No, I blamed the tub. What to do now? After few minutes in the now tepid water I began to yell for help.
After some time had passed the maid knocked on the door to clean the room. I told her to please close her eyes and enter the room. She did so and then called the desk clerk, the maintenance man, an EMP with ropes, two drunks from the bar that claimed to have experience with explosives, the local fire department, a priest and the Civil Guard. When they stopped laughing I was out of the lukewarm drink, wrapped in a sumptuous towel and given a glass of wine. No pictures please.
In the future if I am fortunate enough to find horizontal bathing facilities in my domaine I will bring a measuring tape into the tub with me. But then I will be faced with un-American meters, and maybe even kilos.
Easy Feet to meters conversion
Take # of grandmothers run over in crosswalks in Cadiz, Spain times the average weight of a wharf rat on the Nina and the Pinta in 1493 divided by the years it takes to ferment one barrel of Andalusian sherry, while curing Serrano ham in the window or above the bar. Shake, never stir.
On a sad note: In the interior of this land that so resembles Colorado, many beautiful pueblo blanco communities continue to lose viable population while a whore of mindless tourism wanders the beaches of Costa del Sol, like the ghost of dead kings that were never needed in the first place.
Weekday Exorcisms under $200: Performed by sanctioned Vatican envoy in Ubrique and Bosque, Andalusia.
Drivers of spotless cars will get priority boarding at Heaven’s Gate
(Montrose) Licensed drivers who maintain clean vehicles while on earth could be shepherded into heaven in “an ecclesiastic priority line” if their cars meet stringent cleanliness requirements.
While the faithful will not be allowed to enter paradise with their cars (or guns for that matter) the angels are watching the level of automotive stewardship and compiling dossiers on those deemed worthy of an eternity of bliss.
“Zion, Valhalla or Kingdom Come, no matter how you slice it, provides specific guidelines as to how to champion the spic and span mode, said a gatekeeper. “Some call it an immaculate conception while we see it as pristine and hygienic.”
Almost of us know the promised land reserves the right to withhold or deny services to souls deemed unfit or unrepentant. These folks must run through a car wash or two in places like Purgatory before reapplying for admission to heaven.*
A clean car, according to the heavenly hosts, is one that is washed repeatedly, dried with approved cloth and regularly waxed. Lubricants such as windshield wash and operational fluids must never dip below accepted standards and no trash or scattered tools can be present. Tire pressure and climate control are only considered as a tie-breaker and problems are often overlooked if the transportation is tidy.
Often lambasted for parking restrictions, security personnel remind us of limited parking and a the atrocious system of one-way streets up there.
“Imagine if every soul had a car inside these walls,” said one. “We would all be sitting in traffic for what seems like an eternity. There is no such thing as carte blanche when it comes to witch burnings or inquisitions. We examine every case individually from birth to death. Tips are encouraged.
– Tommy Middlefinger
*Cars are never mentioned in the Christian Bible and only merit remote mention in the Koran and Vedas.
“Quite candidly I see myself as the last person to rely on the introduction of reality to this conversation but fear I must.”
– Fred Zeppelin, speaking to the Canadian Whiskey Symposium.
(Ed note: He was shouted down and caste out of the hall into the new fallen snow.)
Local Rock Star Takes Life
Golden record and Grammy Award winner Newt Guitar Jepson was found dead yesterday backstage in the Imperial Ballroom of the Wimpton Sheridan Love Hotel, apparently a victim of his own hand.
Jepson, who had recently been dating the 17-year-old daughter of the Hapsacke County coroner Gunther Gunne, had allegedly stabbed himself in the back thirteen times and then shot himself in the head and through the heart, according to Sheriff Howard “Gridiron” Gunne. The coroner then concluded that Jepson must have disposed of the weapons since none were found at the scene of the “one-car suicide”.
Jepson’s career epitomized a virtual rocket to stardom after the release of his first recording “You Can Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart”. From there it was CD after CD followed by a world tour of Texas and Oklahoma. Just two days before the tragedy he had agreed to appear on Stairway to the Galaxies in downtown Grand Junction.
It was rumored that Jepson was heavily into the drug scene, but this was never proven. Although he was arrested over 600 times for various narcotic binges, he was never convicted.
The local newspaper reported that there are currently 2398 suspects in Hapsack County alone, pop 2399 (now 2398) in addition to thousands line up to be paid for everything from sound systems to chocolate bars acquisitioned by Jepson during his brief flirtation with stardom and the big time.
“All one has to do is listen to the lyrics and it’s clear he liked meth, coke and an assorted entourage of downers,” said an unreliable source perched over a jocular whiskey at the drab Victorian barrel room of the Imperial.
Newt is survived by his wife Ima and his legitimate son Newt Jr., as well as 87 other alleged offspring, 24 of which are represented in local paternity suits.
– Tommy Middlefinger
The Info Nympho
Dear Info Nympho:
Where does the Silverton Train go in winter? We haven’t seen it for over a month and wondered if there was something wrong.
Boris Bettinghorse, Mancos
Dear Boris:
The train is stored in a secret location somewhere near Durango so as to avoid freeze-up or dismantling at the hands of thieves that roam San Juan County when the tourists go home. The engineers are all shacked up for the winter and the coal has been stored for next year. Trains are definitely phallic, don’t you think? Just watch as they slink and sliver through the woods, penetrating the landscape. It all kind of reminds me of an affair I had in 1994 with the locomotive crew in Turkey on my way to Russia to meet Von, my Ukrainian lover. Have you ever played hide the carrot?
Dear Info Nympho:
A friend of mine aid you had an incredible recipe for elk stew. Could you share it? Also what do you leave out for Santa Claus in January?
Cristina, Montevideo
Dear Cristina:
My elk stew contains one very important, although often overlooked, ingredient…sage brush. Sage brush has been included on the roster of Easily Accessed field aphrodisiacs by the United States Eros League just last year. It’s wonderful and adds another taste to your run-about elk stew. Most diners enjoy it before, after, and during romance. It is known to lead to group encounters including ribald cross dressing and sexy tractor pulls. No hot chocolate for Santa in January. He prefers gin and can be quite feisty after a few. Other discussions of leaving things out presses the issue of censorship and cannot be undressed in this column.
Dear Info Nympho:
Is spawning abnormal or even immoral like my preacher says? Do the fish enjoy it or is it just a matter of going through the motions?
Rose Hipps, Galway Bay
Dear Rose:
Your answer can only be found by cross-referencing jokes about Canadians in canoes, illegal aliens with umbrellas and beach chairs and a sophomore level sex education manual. All of these can be found in the back room at the local library. As far as the enjoyment level it depends entirely on the fish. All the talk about cold-blooded instinct and dorsal fins can be confusing. Personally I have found that most men love to spawn given the right stimulus. That includes homophobic preachers who someone should be watching after church.
Dear Info Nympho:
What is meant by the term tropical vortex?
Mikki Miike, Crete
Dear Mikki
It’s right there in the Bronco playbook. All the other teams know it. Cats still see dogs in the dark. What do you see in the dark? Color-coordinated security codes = sexual innuendo. Tropical vortex refers to the square inches of cleavage seen on the beach compared to what is visible when a large lineman bends over to pick up a kicking tee. In short…when you experience a tropical vortex you may never go back to straight sex.
The Info Nympho can be heard on radio station KNYK during Bronco games.
China To Send Plumbers
(Canton) As part of an innovative foreign policy exchange the People’s Republic of Chain has agreed to send some 500 plumbers to the United States in return for assorted data software projectiles and vegan space technology.
The plumbers, none of whom speak English, are expected to arrive in Colorado first in a pilot program and then spread out to other parts of the country before the holidays. According to organizers of the swap the plumbers are needed here since it is impossible to arrange for these important and traditional services locally.
“Plumbers here are far too busy with the boom to service the average Joe,” said Myrna Flo, of the Snake Department. “These Chinese plumbers are hungry for work and will even crawl under existing structures and, in emergency situations, even show up on Sunday. The data we are exchanging is three years old and not worth all that much to us. It’s clear we’re getting the best of the deal.”
China has recently been building bridges and basic infrastructure in Southeast Asia as part of a friendly neighbor approach to diplomacy while the U.S. has continued to bully allies and opponents alike, invading countries, tampering in elections and breaking treaties.
“We’re spending a boatload of cash to get nowhere while the Chinese are making friends all over the world,” said Flo. “Maybe it’s time we reevaluate our economic strategy.”
At the height of the exchange the US expects to see some 1000 Chinese plumbers in the country legally. Backlogs suggest that they will be here for quite some time and can apply for citizenship since they perform tasks related to national security. Although not particularly known for plumbing prowess the Chinese are seen as hard workers anxious to make a dollar.
“We don’t think the language barrier will be insurmountable despite the fact that only 11 people in Western Colorado speak or write Chinese,” added Flowe. “What’s important is that general plumbing standards in this country do not dip below what is accepted as developed and that frozen pipes are attended to within 24 hours.”
The Chinese specialize in space module plumbing and computerized septic systems which has critics worried for the future. Most have never seen a functioning commode.
“These Asian philosophies have yet to be accredited and the theories behind Chinese plumbing are mere postulates at this point. To hell with the trade deficit. We’re not giving away the farm here,” said Flo, “since most of that acreage has already been sold off for subdivisions and shopping malls.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
