Author Archive for M. Toole

Uncompahgre Most Difficult to Navigate Say Linguists

(Bismarck, ND — Spelling Challenge Review –– February 19, 2017)

Uncompahgre was awarded top spot in the annual Spelling From Hell Super Bee held in this often-misspelled capital of North Dakota. Spelling greats, grammar enthusiasts and even the inventor of the digital Spell Check voted unanimously that the correct spelling of Uncompahgre was the most difficult to navigate.

The river itself looks pretty much like any other high altitude waterway according to the experts. There are mountains and green valleys and cliffs galore as the river runs from Red Mountain to Delta where it joins the Gunnison.

Other local rivers such as the Dolores, the Colorado and the Gunnison finished near last in the voting with the Animas, Rio Grande and Arkansas earning honorable mention in the local folklore category. The judges also heaped great tribute on the Yampa and the Platte for the employment of confusing letters and sounds in the one-syllable group.

“People in Western Colorado should be proud of their river since they are virtually the only ones who consistently spell the word correctly,” said Al Fabette, originator of the word games. “It may have the same number of letters than its larger cousin, Mississippi but it is harder to spell and pronounce.”

Fabette, a geographer of some repute, has spent the past 25 years searching the globe for hard to spell rivers, lakes and seas. His newest book Hard to Spell Mountains and Forests is expected in April. He can be reached on his pool phone or through this website.

– Ripple Van Winkle

Games

Sounds Right But It’s Not

Hey chopper heads! The sound of some words can be defined by other words that mean something else altogether. Can you match the definition to the word that is associated by sound and elaborate nonsense?

Answers: 1-e, 2-g, 3-i, 4-h, 5-d, 6-c, 7-f, 8-j, 9-a, 10-b.

The Games People Play

Each of the games listed on the left originated in a locale listed on the right. Can you put the right game with the right place on the planet? This is a little more difficult and cheating in the form of a little pointed research is acceptable.

Answers 1-j, 2-n, 3-o, 4-k, 5-e, 6-l, 7-m, 8-d, 9-h, 10-g, 11-c, 12-b, 13-f, 14-a, 15-i.

Bright Menu

Answers 1. Beggar, egg; 2. Coats, oats; 3. Windjammer, jam; 4. Breadth, bread; 5. Sobriety, Brie; 6. Sleek, leek; 7. Hammer, ham; 8. Appease, peas; 9. Spear, pear; 10. Dapple, apple; 11. Plumber, plum; 12. Scurry, curry. Now make up about 200 of these clues to spring on your friends. Don’t panic. It’s going to be a long winter.

Get along little doggies

Happy, Lucky in Kon Tum!

Silly local kids on the street in the mountains near Kontum, Vietnam

TOOLE FALLS FROM COCONUT PALM

(Las Palmas de Gran Canaria) Award winning American journalist, Melvin Toole, was hospitalized here after a fall from a giant coconut palm tree. According to witnesses on the beach Toole was at the top of the tree reaching for choice fruit when he slipped and fell.

The offending tree

“His path followed the basic outline of the trunk,” said a companion. “He bounced his way to the sand colliding with the trunk at least five times before landing.”
Bathers at first thought the fall was a stunt and that Toole was simply practicing some sort of misguided act. When the ambulance arrived most of them feigned concern then went back to tanning.

The rattled writer, a former member of the Flying Farcheezie High Wire Troupe, has been known to engage in senseless tricks and idiotic feats over the years. However, this most recent death-defying move was purely accidental say friends.

Toole is expected to be released from the hospital as soon as his clown suit comes back from the dry cleaners.

– Nicholas Breakspear aka His Extreme Holiness

Highway 50 Troll Road Opens Today

(Montrose) Motorists will now be charged a minimal fee for the right to operate their vehicles on Highway 50 from Monarch Pass to Grand Junction according to a spokesman for the Colorado Department of Transcendental Mobility and Gravitational Dimensions. The fee, larger than a bread box, but smaller than the national debt, will be levied based on weight, distance traveled and attitude. Tips are appreciated.

Heavier vehicles, especially tractor-trailers that already pay considerable road tax, will be charged slightly higher than say, tin yuppie four-wheel-drive transports. This particular decision came about by the flip of a coin over in Denver.

“We don’t like to let this kind of cat out of the bag since people might think we’re all sitting around on our asphalt,” said Princess Irm Peawit, whose father Reginald Peawit was recognized as King of the Highway during a stint as Detector of Roads and Bridges during the Eisenhower years. “After all, I just sort of inherited this job and, well, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m taking my responsibilities lightly. Hell, I might want to run for governor or even dog catcher down the primrose path,” she stressed.

Peawit went on to explain that the coin flip concept actually saves tax payers a bundle in that there are no lengthy meetings to contend with and no overtime paid out to black top consultants. She would not say what fiscal denomination was used in the decision making process but hinted that it was the same as the coin flipped to decide what color to paint the lines on the highways.

“People who complain about the toll or react in what is perceived as a hostile manner will be charged more and in some cases held up for hours,” said Peawit. “All of our toll engineers are equipped with an assortment of signs and two-way radios. We realize this charge is inconvenient for most motorists but one has to understand that highway maintenance costs money.”

When asked what her department has done with tax revenues earmarked for roads Peawit referred to the notes written on her arm and said, “We have been informed that those funds will be used to build stadiums for millionaires over in Denver.”
Coincidentally the toll road opens just prior to the expected annexation of Parlin by Gunnison and the arrival of tourist season.

“We have to keep up with the times,” said Peawit who echoed projections that the city of Montrose will be twice the size of Denver by the year 2030.

“Hard to believe, isn’t it,” she quipped.

In a related piece sources are mum with regards to a rumor that the Colorado House has approved a transaction that would send Colorado water to California in return for an extended culture package.

– Uncle Pahgre