Author Archive for M. Toole
Finbar Brings Linksters to Heel
Continued from Page 4
so that they could barely grip the soggy club, especially after a good whopping by loyal sailors. Realizing that the Carbuncle Tribesmen enjoyed a good hoot as well as the next Irish-Dane, King Finbar brought along several Laplander oak knobkerries, his own crew’s stunning blue truncheons and a basket of curious blindfolds for the village dandies. He also lugged the cross of Hotspur, the Cuckold of Sibyl, in his waistcoat. He waited.
After swilling for position at the bucket of life the fight was on. First the Carbuncles teed off. Known for long drivers and little else, the proud tribesmen were led by Manannan, the Lord of the Sea.
Telling stories in the pub
“Lift up your kilts and follow me!” cried Manannan surging across the palm-lined fairway in an attempt to intercept Finbar’s dragoons, who had encircled the fortress green and had begun to barbecue hostages taken before the battle of Loamshire.
The High Summer of Cuchulain had never seen such a collision of caddie flesh as this one. Thousands, hundreds were thrown to the mulligan wolves with reinforcements hung up, their cavalry grounded in the freshly raked sandtraps of Kerry and Kilkenny.
“Mac Lir! Mac Lir!” was echoed up and down the jagged edges of the rough. “Saints intercession!”
At the end of the day mounds of scorecards, peppered with the little pencils of destiny, were swallowed up by great avenging sea lions, sent to the Over World to throw clubs, sneeze and flutter while the frustrated Manannan was about to put for his only eagle of the afternoon.
“Land Ho!” choked brave King Finbar from his golf cart, now submerged in a water hazard. “Save yourselves!”
And then, like the light of a midnight moon, forces loyal to Finbar broke through to the clubhouse and the sport of golf was wrestled from the clammy hands of the infidels. Today we have only Finbar and our own fascination with frustration to thank for countless afternoons of torture above the little white ball.
Next Month:
Finbar Returns to the Lestrigons Riding the Head of Boleslav
Ancient Bones Are Biscuits and Gravy
(Gunnison) What at first appeared to be ancient artifacts, possibly the bones of an Anasazi warrior, has turned out to be no more than petrified biscuits and gravy according to archaeologists here. The dig, centered in the area of W Mountain, will continue for another five years in the hopes of discovering more.
Scientists, who have been carefully extracting pieces of the puzzle from the rocky soil above Gunnison, were not thwarted by the laboratory findings.
“We have become accustomed to frustrations out here in the field,” said one digger. “Why just last year in Delta we thought we’d exhumed an ancient Ute canning operation but it turned out to be an abandoned Plymouth.”
Sources at Western State University insist that the dig continue adding that artifacts lend credence to theories that the Anasazi were not able to manipulate cholesterol levels and that, in short, they generally ate whatever ran across their path.
Although the quality and taste of the biscuits and gravy will not be known until the lab report is completed, conjecture here has it that the Ancient Ones made their own buttermilk biscuits and brewed a sort of gravy from buffalo milk and the excesses of smoked sausage.
After primary examination, the content of the gravy seems to match up with the consistency of a favorite trench mortar used to construct the Cliff Palace at Mesa Verde. This theory too, will be subject to the laboratory report.
“A regular diet like this may lead us to answers that have eluded us in the past,” said one scientist, “and once and for all determine the actual demise of an entire civilization.”
Tourists are asked to stay clear of the excavation site until about 2040.
– Melvin O’ Toole
Fast Food’s Very Negative Impact
The real world of the fast food industry. Counter clockwise Top: Actor portraying happy fast food worker. Actual Fast food worker. Young diners. Rewarded stockholders.Trash generated by fast food industry.
TRUMP TO GRACE $10,000 BILL
(Florida White House) President for now, Donald Trump, may grace new United States currency as early as summer. Due to an Executive Action on the part of the besieged Commander in Chief, his familiar sneer with orange hair is perched to don the newly minted $10,000 bill.
Along with Trump’s mug the bill will be decorated with In Wall Street We Trust and feature an engraving of Trump Towers in Manhattan on the back.
Poster boy in front of The Towers of Babble in NYC
Most of his middle class supporters, former and current, will probably never see one. Conversely many are behind the move saying their boy deserves the honor of joining Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln on American currency.
Mount Rusmore was not discussed.
What’s in it for me Republicans and gelded Democrats mumbled approval while telling their constituencies that they were fighting for their rights and freedoms. Most appear anxious as to whether they, as contractors, will be stiffed by Trump come pay day.
Whether or not the cumbersome, almost worthless penny will finally be discarded was not discussed according to unreliable sources on the scene. Sources in the House confirmned that it would act on the penny as soon as Obamacare is replaced.
Detractors chimed in saying that maybe the President can cash a few of these new notes in to pay for his lavish vacations charged on the taxpayer’s tab.
One vocal critic of the current administration told The Horseshoe that National Security Advisor, Steve Bannon had been considered for a newly proposed $100,000 bill but considering his covert role he has declined the offer.
“We see a day,” said House Whip, Rich McGrovel, “when the rich will use bills of this denomination for debts public and private, while the rest of the peasants will clutch the same old fives and tens trying to survive inflation.”
Although nothing is certain, the White House has seen a parade of cosmetologists and photographers since the plan was announced Friday.
In a related piece, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos plans to ban the Spanish language from public schools. DeVoss who consistently earned straight As in penmanship while in high school, explained her position in that “I can’t understand a word that those people are saying.”
Readers are warned to keep seat belts securely fastened as turbulence is likely to occur.
“Incompetence is it’s own reward.” – Uncle Pahgre
