Author Archive for M. Toole

BEAR CREEK BRIDGE FRONT FOR CONSUMER TUNNEL

(Ironton Park) Top secret repairs on the historic Bear Creek Bridge north of here were suspect from the beginning. According to an extensive undercover investigation and a volley of anonymous tips, the construction had little to do with firming up the bridge but a lot to do with a massive tunnel that leads right to the back door of the Montrose Wal-Mart.

According to a continuing probe, the 45-mile-long tunnel was allegedly concocted to allow the Beautiful People a discreet access to the above-mentioned mass merchandising facility down valley. Although the initial response was peppered with giggling skepticism, the conspiracy theory has gained credence since the construction was completed earlier this month.

“It seemed rather far-fetched at best,” said Melvin Toole, a special investigator attached at the wrists and ankles. “But when we bellied up to the site and saw all that dirt being diverted to Silverton we knew the Division of Transportation was up to no good. One DOT boss said the dirt would be used to stabilize mud slide zones while another insisted the soil was needed to secure the fluctuating corn crop for next year.

Toole claims the project grew out of pressures on the highway department to create a secret access for wealthy residents who want to experience an occasional elbow rub with the great unwashed. He substantiated these claims with photographs of highway workers dropping dirt tailings from their trousers like in the film “The Great Escape”.

“The rich folks don’t want to be seen going into Wal-Mart when they spend so much effort trying to impress their neighbors,” continued Toole. “What if a self-imposed Telluride celebrity or a nouveau riche rancher from Ridgway were seen pulling into the Wal-Mart parking lot like a commoner? How would that look?”

Toole said that he was shocked by the influence exerted by some in the San Juans but quickly pointed to wetlands manipulation, questionable public land use, conflicts in visual pollution standards and rampant growth in his summation.

“Who forced the issue on left-turn lanes diversion in Ouray or legitimized the high security, gated community above Telluride?” he chided.

A recently formed committee, populated by people who have little else to do, has solicited the Army Corps of Engineers, the Hibernian Association of Retired Hard Rock Miners, OSHA, the Ridgway Fire Department and the Uncompahgre Ladies’ Pin Cushion Consortium “in an effort to get to the bottom of this tunnel thing”, according to sources here.

Also consulted was acting legal counsel Gary Wild of Ouray who, as it turns out was recently displaced from his office by unidentified, yet significant, others. It is not known whether this cruel banishment had anything to do with Bear Creek Tunnel Conspiracy. The investigation will continue through the weekend.

– Uncle Pahgre

BINGO PARLORS – INNOCENT PASTIME OR NEW AGE THREAT?

(Montrose) Every night hundreds of people play bingo here in this Western Colorado hub. It’s fun and it gives many of them a chance to socialize without spending a fortune on other forms of entertainment. Of late, zealots in the community (fresh from knightly jousts with evil gargoyles) have decided that bingo is a sin, due to associations with numerology.

“We knew it was gambling, in a sense,” said Margot Rotweiller, executive director of the Central Rockies Recreational Bingo Coalition, “but we didn’t really think we were committing immoral acts here at the hall. Sure, cigarette smoking is permitted and coffee is served, but the only drinking done off the premises.”

Critics insist that not only the bingo callers but the board itself are in league with the devil.

“Haven’t you heard about numerology and the application of negative powers?” asked a clearly frightened, confessed former drug addict turned righteous overnight. “Don’t you even watch the television evangelists? They need your money more than this bawdy bingo parlor.”

At present no one has come forth to be saved or to respond to the accusations of this vocal minority. It is not know whether people take their pleas seriously or if they are simply asleep.

“We’re functioning completely within the law,” said Rotweiller, who added that over 200,000 people have passed through the doors of the her bingo emporium since it opened in 1994. “In Salem they burned witches, in Nazi Germany they burned books, today they bomb abortion clinics. I suppose it was naive of us bingo fans to think we’d be exempt from the terrible swift sword.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Better Daze Astrograph

Welcome to another stroll through the cosmic greenbelt. Be assured that the validity of the following is on par with the reality of other sacred institutions and beliefs that brush against you like a yellow-eyed feline on the creaky back porch of the universe. Keep in mind that, in an attempt to maintain the dim-witted flow, our forecasters use only pre-World War I field glasses, great wings of wax, solar-powered probing devices and the power of two thousand crumbling ancient Roman aqueducts to formulate our appraisals. Do not iron or bleach unless you want to. Skipping signs, cutting in line or impersonating signs other than your own will be dealt with harshly.

LEO
(July 23 – August 22)

Memorize trash truck schedules. Watch out for meaty thumbs on the butcher’s scales. Downshift. Downshift now! First, build the floor then the walls, then the roof. Reversing this procedure will insure failure no matter what the blueprint says. Having more money than brains is not always a detriment to success. Drugstore cowboys never change horses in the middle of the scene. Keep those feet firmly in the stirrups and the bit implanted in your front teeth. Riding sidesaddle could cause liver or kidney damage. The cavalry is no place for crybabies! Relax: You only pulled a micro muscle in your libido. Nothing broken…nothing maimed. Tonight: It’s high time to press charges.

VIRGO
(August 23 – September 23)

Look at the big picture even though you are not in it. Halting physical effort could lead to unusual level of progress by mid-day. Point that honker toward a meaningful goal and follow it home. Reckless speculation may appear safer from the high side of the river. When dining with animals a raincoat may be preferable to a tuxedo. Practice timid impulsivity. Spend time with your wardrobe, especially the costumes. They are your link to a fantasy world where you can be a star. Remember: You cannot achieve three-piece status in twice-baked overalls. Avoid symbiotic relationships with live ammunition. Tonight: A midnight cruise to Wichita Falls.

LIBRA
(September 24 – October 23)

Lucky breaks come and go. Your lucky brake is located between the gas pedal and the clutch. Take the day off: Even marginalized, bloodthirsty pirates need time to center themselves. Be flexible while in your grocery produce aisle. This year’s summer squash has been known to be confrontational and you may not make it to the dairy case without a beating. Despite hours at the salon, you may feel naked in social armor. Termination of bad hair days could require a more radical trim between the head and shoulders. Look for others who are loose with money and/or affection. Tonight: Dessert goes a long way toward sweet explanation of soupy indiscretions earlier in the evening.

SCORPIO
(October 24 – November 22)

Avoid bankers with scalpels and physicians with ledger books. Too many diplomats ruin the soup. According to the planets, you will gain fame and fortune this month, but what do they know? They are merely wads of rock out in space where nobody else wants to live. Rely, rather, on long exposures to television to determine your path. Don’t swallow anything larger than your pride. Your job is simply a passing fancy…the crew on the trash truck already knows that. Sorry, but a bar stool is a poor excuse for a driver’s seat. Your games are recommended for ages 3 to 5. Tonight: Control those hormones until dinner dishes are finished.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 – December 21)

Personal budget cuts may require hallucinating in black and white. You are but a shadow of your former self. Transparencies may offer surprise access to areas undercover until now. Stay clear of angry water buffalo, runaway trains and planets seeking immediate gratification through celestial realignment. Oh yeah. The bar is a better place to borrow money than the bank since banks insist on signatures. It is better to have a few friends than many enemies. Practiced tact will be perceived as such. Keep your head down and your ears open. Tonight: Darkness. It’s nothing you can’t handle.

CAPRICORN
(December 22 – January 20)

Waste your own time. Do not let others do it for you. Stockpile plowshares. They can always be turned back into swords at the appropriate time. Finalize national security matters by the light of a new moon. Loose hips sink ships! The walls have ears. Friends within the Taliban may become testy over a pork roast. Serve Spam instead. What good is a gated community if you can’t afford a gate? Don’t let others run you down especially if they are driving large cement trucks. According to our records, you have less than one hour left on your 24-hour deoderant protection. Tonight: More paperwork down at the police precinct.

AQUARIUS
(January 21 – February 19)

Just because you re flat doesn’t mean the world is geometric. If the world is indeed round, then prove it! Time-sharing your body may not produce desired returns. Peaceful co-habitation means sharing the bidet. Is that mega diet coke attached to your arm? Similar events at home are often cheaper than on the road, depending on which road. Run from responsibility but only walk away from respectability. Keep moving in eternal circles and you could go on forever with the deep, lingering self-denial crap. Love enters your third house with the kibble harvest. If you cannot make a fresh start at least make me up an icy glass of fresh juniper juice. Tonight: How much fresh juniper juice is enough?

PISCES
(February 20 – March 20)

It is far easier to bore others with your juvenile philosophies if you speak up, even shout, when lauding the inherent variables common to your amusing thought patterns. Be careful not to bite your tongue when exited. Well-grounded is OK for an accepting, lethargic chuck roast but not for a poorly endowed nouveau helicopter pilot attempting to assault the sun. Crayons melt in a beveled bay window but not as fast as ice cream on a leather car seat. Keep plans vague and fog lights on dim until further notice. Tonight: Imagine breakfast in bed tomorrow.

ARIES
(March 21 – April 19)

Indiscriminate drinking is better in the dawn light when the police have all gone home. Try a little common sense with your flapjacks, Jack. Schedule cosmetic surgery before they close the beaches. Persistence will yield the answers to your most pressing questions…Look there’s an open bar all right! Show respect for kennel mates by keeping the barking down to a roar. Do whatever necessary to neutralize morning breath. Quit that annoying day job—The dumpsters are full of food. Fishy clown outfits are rarely accepted as collateral at the prawn shop. Romance is on tap right next to the cheap beer. Tonight: Go to town groomed to the max!

TAURUS
(April 20 – May 19)

Pay attention even if it hurts. A chore that looks like a chore, begins to smell like a chore and starts yelling in your face like a chore is definitely a chore not to ignore no more. Do Bolsheviks ever paint the town red? Discount yourself through the 18th. The only thing constant is stupidity. Be happy there are others holding down the IQ curve. Family members will overcome the need to graze at distinct social functions. On all matters metaphysical…Get a second opinion. A pet is bored and may seek other dwellings. The refrigerator is making those grumbling sounds again. Tonight: Extra shots for the cook.

GEMINI
(May 20 – June 20)

Together you can make it happen. Pity the poor people with only one personality and a second job in the weekends. Earplugs often outdistance analysis. A vulnerable position on the field is better than false security riding the pine. Invest in tobacco futures, the bailout is coming. Your flight to an exotic place may be cancelled but there is a meatloaf special in the airport cafeteria until 2 pm. Today could be a good time to insulate the aviary. Avoid rendezvous with bald-headed sailors and party girls with primate facial hair. Tonight: Grilled cheese again?

CANCER
(June 21 – July 22)

Sweet talk and warm embraces will not guarantee a hot breakfast. Snorkeling gear is always a carry-on item. Widen your horizons while you tip the scale. If you are a true transient then there’s nothing that you should be doing at home. Adopt more dogs. Willie Nelson is playing in your living room but you forgot to get a ticket. Look through the windows. Avoid romantic rivals with large weaponry. Thou shallot not covet thy neighbor’s wife (husband) will take on new meaning this month. It appears that you are compatible with the Ox or the Monkey but they don’t think so. Experiment with invisibility and make new friends. Tonight: If you can’t walk the walk at least walk the dog.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, asphalt alchemist, pawn to the elements

Brain food cafe shuts doors

(Montrose) The Upper Story Bistro, a longtime fixture here, closed down today. Citing competition from fast food restaurants and rising costs in doing business, the owners described their 15-year history as “a good run” and wished former customers the best.

Specializing in foods that encourage healthy brain cell growth the cafe may reopen in another community here or go to the Pacific Northwest where, due to a higher population might dictate a higher demand for this kind of cuisine.

“We hope our clientele will continue to embrace good health habits in their kitchens at home,” said one former owner.

One competitor, who opened a burger franchise right next store in 2015 said she was tired of all the whining.

“Nobody cares about macrobiotic dining and improving their mind when they can catch a delicious burger and fries on the run and wash it down with a giant soda pop,” she said. “These people need to get a clue about life in the modern world.”

“Having choices is important but not when they conflict with city sales tax numbers,” said one city councilperson. “Once our master plan is fully integrated and we have every known chain represented there will be no choices, except in that unhealthy, methodical realm. We don’t hear a lot of complaints from the mainstream and all those health nuts out there on the fringe don’t amount to a hill of beans. Maybe they should all move back to Boulder.”

– Alfalfa Romero

Thursday is Bubblehead Night in Congress

(Washington) Citizens in good standing are invited to the First Annual Congressional Bubblehead Night at the Reflecting Pool here. The first 5000 persons through the “doors”, after passing through security and taking an extensive loyalty oath, will receive an authentic bubblehead of their favorite elected official.

Persons who do not have a favorite elected official will receive a 2016 Joe Biden or John Boehner bubblehead as a consolation prize compliments of the Federal Reserve Board. A buffet meal and open bar will grace the festive atmosphere and guests are reminded to avoid bringing up issues that might be deemed embarrassing to the legislators, aka bubbleheads.

In addition to bobbing senators and representatives, each attendee will take home a quart of Fear in a Bottle, a newly brewed genetically altered concoction aimed at keeping the people off balance and ultimately exerting more control of the domestic population. Tested in the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, and the War on Individualism, the fluid fear card has been produced for human consumption (food) by those radicalized by the sequester and by the royal arrogance of rich, elite politicians.

“People will like it,” explained one Congressional aide. “It comes in six different fruity flavors (including fresh hemlock lite) and is the right panacea for an electorate who put these people in power in the first place. “Here in the Land of the Free it is one of the few things that is free.”

It is hoped that the circulation of bubbleheads and liquid fear will further divide and conquer the left and the right in this nation, who, if allowed to determine the real enemy, might react in unison to affect real change.

The event is in no way connected to the popular Send a Whoopee Cushion to Congress which originated after the banking scandals of 2007-2009 which are still “under full investigation” until the public forgets about them.

– Susie Compost

“Fashion fades. Only style remains.”
– Coco Chanel

NO KIDS IN THE POOL NEXT SUMMER

(Ouray) The city of Ouray has decided to ban all kids form the Municipal Hot Springs Pool between June 15 and Labor Day of 2018.  According to sources here the kids make far too much noise and create all kinds of problems for lifeguards and general security. In addition the city will save an estimated $35,000 on insurance.

     “Things have gotten out of hand over the past few years with kids running the whole show at the pool,” said Melvin Toolmeister, former East German freestyler turned Calvinist lapdog of the Sunday brunch set. “We have plenty of rivers and lakes in which the little tykes can express themselves without bothering people. Why do they insist on swimming pools when we’re loaded with golf corpses, playgrounds and art galleries?”

     Recent complaints by adults that the presence of children interrupts the cosmic flow have lead to the decision.

     “After all it’s the big people who pay the bills,” said the source. “When was the last time you saw a 5-year-old with a hundred-dollar bill?”

     The proponents of the move hope that the expulsion of children from the pool will set a precedent in other areas of civilization and send a strong message to irresponsible parents who allow their children to have fun.

     It was not disclosed if the ball felds to the south of the pool would be affected by the lockout.

– Tommy Middlefinger