Author Archive for M. Toole
BEER TRUCKS IN FENDER BENDER
Local council declares a bank holiday so locals get to slurp.
(Montrose) Two large semis filled with cold beer collided today in a minor accident at the corner of Main and Townsend here. The trucks spewed some 2300 gallons of the hoppy nectar up and down the street.
“It was a living hell,” said one unnamed bar patron, who had only minutes ago left LeCave for an afternoon walk.
At the high point there was an estimated four foot wall of beer charging down Main Street toward City Hall. Fortunately, a contingent of courageous local citizens was there to turn it back.
“For a while there it looked like we were going to be overrun,” burped another anonymous source.
Officers on the scene, unable to determine fault, called the wreck a draw as city crews began the final mop up.
The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945, when a turboprop henway, caught in a hail storm, inadvertently dropped some 30 bags of gold dust onto the town. Luckily there were no direct hits and no injuries. The gold was never recovered. Authorities believe it is still somewhere between Hadley’s, the Stockmen’s Cafe and the Chipeta Hotel Bar. Anyone with information about the whereabouts of the loot is asked to call Crime Stoppers after happy hour.
-Pepper Salte
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Puck Bunnies and Goal Sucks Ltd. Boreal Forest Acres, Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Components backordered. Aggregates forthcoming. AKA: Hat Tricks Up Our Sleeves, Toronto and Winnipeg.
WORLD IS FLAT SAYS KANSAS EVANGELIST
(Dodge City) An often respected television evangelist, Reverend Philip “Phil” Pharisee, has shocked his flock by declaring that the world is flat. The announcement came in the middle of a sermon delivered at Church of the Undivided Plain in nearby Spearville. Pharisee remarked that it is refreshing to see ancient articles of his well-watered imagination backed up by physical law for a change. He added that any fool, even a secular humanist, only need look out of his window to know the real truth.
Pharisee, a major proponent of secession in Southwest Kansas, went on to add that the entire concept of Columbus discovering America was nothing but a cheap real estate scam.
“If he really discovered America why won’t he return my phone calls!” shouted Pharisee, working up quite a sweat by now. “If you cynics out there don’t believe me you can read it for yourself as soon as somebody gets his ducks in a row over at UPI!” he warbled.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
Coor’s rightfield to be seeded in alfalfa, sorghum
(Blake Street) What used to be a keystone right field, ripe with problems, is now producing bountiful harvests according to the Rockies’ agricultural consultants. In addition to habitat for wildlife, these experts expect to grow corn in the upper deck and rice down in the infild by 2027…all without influencing play.
“We’re expecting multiple yields as early as next fall,” said a spokesman for the cellar-dweller National League franchise. That’s batting .1000 in my book!” he smiled. The terraced and flat regions of right field boast contour patterns while the rows are perfectly symmetrical like pin stripes on a crisp new uniform. It’s simple crop rotation, like a pitching rotation, only we actually keep the best players so as to build a team.”
The above source went on to say that the Rockies hope to grow organic players like the Dodgers and Yankees. At present the ledger sheet does all the talking with the wealthier concerns like the Cubs and Red Sox spending way more money on free agents, especially at trade deadlines, than the Rockies have in the bank. In short without parity the wealthier teams are in the driver’s seat, harvesting at will, applying exotic fertilizer on a whim.
“The Dodgers, Giants and Yankees even have a minor league farm system training thr next generation of tarpolan pushers, ushers and beer salesmaen,” continued the source. “We just as well plant corn and onions out in left field too.”
Erosion, a plague on most farming operations, has already been addressed at Coors by applying the rules of maximum density and efficiency even in the dugout where small terrariums and vegetable plots abound.
Many local experts feel that an occasional crop circle could motivate behavior at the plate. The choice of crops strongly signifies past problems and a driving desire to set things right after several successful seasons years ago.
One cherished grounds crew highlight will remain with a full-contact irrigation display in the 7th inning stretch, backed up by an assortment of patriotic anthems. Team executives hope that they can begin serving alfalfa IPAs and sorghum-based nachos by 2027.
Horseshoe Denies Endorsement Rumors, Will Protect Sources
(Fruita) General Kashmir Horseshoe vehemently denied reports that his editorial staff planned to endorse a ticket comprised of the late Archduke Ferdinand for President and Apple Annie Peach as Vice President of the United States in November of 2028. These candidates, representing the hopes and dreams of the Silly Old Bosnia Party of Sarajevo, have been the house guests of the publisher since March, leading to an assortment of speculations. Sources at the city desk also denied the rumors, writing them off as utter nonsense.
“Anyone with a lick of sense can see through all of this,” said one under-editor. “We remain firm in our policy not to endorses any candidate or candidates until well after the election.”
The Horseshoe remains defiant in its refusal to identify sources of news on the website sanjuanhorseshoe.com. Saying that anyone participating in growing the news deserves privacy and protection from legal action and harrassment. The satirical watchdog then highlighted a growing list of its efforts in response to yet another gov’ment demand for transparency.
“We will strive to protect our sacred freedoms and will continue providing the full spectrum of news and capsuled comment from both sides. These First-Amedndment safeguards include writers, amateur film makers, judges, eye witnesses, pollsters, whistle blowers, political eccentrics and experts voicing unpopular projections.
These courageous souls, whether real or imagined, will exercise the right to speak up, relying on this redoubt from corporate and gov’ment strong-arming. Corroborating sources will enjoy hayseed lawyers, backwater promontories and a complimentary continental breakfast as well as highly technical, quite modern methods of promoting free speech in the face on mindless tyranny. Humor works better than bulllets but only up to a point, he said.”
Bright stars at the website called the Horseshoe’s often mulish lack of compliance “one of baseline brinks on the cusp of a new world threashold that advances the agenda of all Americans. They say their struggles herein benefit society as a whole even the predatorial population and those who buy into the cesspools of ignorance churned out by elements who want to control your soul with fear and repetitive soundbytes.
In an official statement the news venue tempered its response: “We will consciensiously represent our good faith by supporting the valiant and impulsive, the staid and the contrary, be they fountainheads of information or merely peddlers of the mundane recording snippets of history in muffled whispers or methodical slapdash.”
Local fruit growers have filed a protest, demanding help in the form of increased tariffs on fruit cultivated in the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
– Fred Zeppelin
GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT
(Gunnison) A prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole, of Antelope Hills, will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.
The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.
The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi and Fossil Ridge Sectors.
In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who raises giant shrimp and miniature elephants near Parlin.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
