Author Archive for M. Toole
Making fun of lepers in bad taste
Editorial
THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE RIGHT JOB
Hey, I like a good laugh as well as the next guy but making sport of lepers goes too far. Just the other day we witnessed this kind of abuse with a rock throwing incident in one of our National Forests where lepers had camped for the night. Sure, you may not want to camp near them but there is no call for violence. This is ugly. What will these lepers tell their friends back home about their vacation in Colorado?
The refusal of one visitor to rent a jeep after it had been used by a leper is nothing short of malicious and reprehensible. Name calling, metaphorical and otherwise, is inexcusable.
Granted, we do not have a sizable leper population but the ones we do have should be respected, if not whole-heartedly cherished.
Don’t these people have enough with which to contend without insult and injury hurled from fellow humans? Bigotry aimed at these unfortunates is ignorant and hateful. It is the offspring of misunderstandings and fears generated by parents, schools and society as a whole. Like it or not, lepers are just like you and I and deserve a break. After all they don’t generally create problems. Most hide out from the sunshine in black timber redoubts far away from the threats of the modern populace. Most love their dogs. Most pay taxes. Most are not to blame for their condition.
Now we’re not suggesting you sleep with one or share toothbrushes but at least allow them to breathe the air, smell the roses, wash their raggedy clothing in streams and rivers and live out their pathetic lives. A cure for leprosy, but not stupidity, is right around the corner.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
For a related news piece see “Kennedy bans leper vaccine then rescinds then bans it again” on Oval Jovial
Feedlot Hobnobbers
Cow #1: Damn this wind. It’s driving me nuts.
Cow #2: Yeah, and our water ration has been cut back
Cow #3: And the hay is too crisp. I can hardly chew it.
Cow #2: And the smell…
Cow #1: I wonder where they’re sending us. All this corn and alfalfa sure is nice but I’m starting to put on a lot of weight.
Cow #2: Yeah, I could use a bit of exercise. We’ll be heading to summer pasture before long to rejoin our moms.
Cow #3: Not to change the subject but I saw the boss man talking to the packing house agent yesterday.
Cow #1: Probably planning a fishing trip. They’re great friends, you know.
Cow #2: How do you know that?
Cow #1: They always go elk hunting together and throw barbecues all summer.
Cow #3: Oh, that’s nice. What do they do with the elk?
Cow #2: They eat it, stupid.
Cow #3: Savages. Why can’t they just eat grass and hay?
Cow #1: Something to do with their digestive systems.
Cow #2: Damn this wind.
Cow #1: Hey, stop complaining. At least we don’t have hoof and mouth.
Cow #2: Not yet anyway. I saw where thousands of cattle in Europe had to be destroyed so as to prevent the spread of mad cow disease.
Cow #1: Probably just a ploy to jack up the price of beef.
Cow #3: It works for the oil companies.
Cow #2: Look, here comes our ride now. How are they going to fit us all in that trailer?
Cow #1: At least it’s not windy.
Cow #2: Well, we might as well get on with it.
Cow #3: Let’s try to get a seat together. Ready?
All cows: Mooooo…
FRONT RANGE CITIES DISCOVER SIMO-FLUSH
(Denver UPS) In an attempt to conserve water, several Front Range cities have begun conducting tests with a new nuclear-driven technology called Sumo-Flush it was disclosed today. The up-till-now secret experiments involve a synchronized flushing of toilets in strategic neighborhoods where residents have volunteered to participate. It is hoped that the simultaneous flushing will cut water usage up to 50 percent since the present plumbing fixtures can only handle so much water at a time. The system is expected to be taxed to capacity.
A schedule for your once-a-day neighborhood flush will be published in the Rocky Mountain Snooze on Sunday. Dubbed Operation Desert Flush by someone over at Fitzsimmons Hospital, the program has had a great deal of success so far, with mounds of paperwork being produced and relatively few structures being damaged. Retired locomotive engineers playing miniature golf on South Colorado Boulevard say that 1-25 appears to have sank about 40 feet, but that it may not be related to the massive flush. When asked what possible affect this sinking may have on the future of the experiments, they said they “didn’t really care.” Road crews will look into it Monday or Tuesday and motorists are asked to find alternate routes to work in the morning.
For you history buffs, the largest coordinated flush ever on the Front Range occurred at Mile High Stadium in Denver on January 5, 1978, during halftime of a play-off match between the then Oakland Raiders and the Denver Broncos. Some 224,980 board feet of water was involved.
-H.L.Menoken
Child-Proof Condoms Approved by Feds
Doctors at St Roscoe’s Community Clinic say that a host of federal agencies have given final approval to a new breed of child-proof condoms that are set for release this week. The breakthrough product is expected to revolutionize irresponsible sex and could be a major bone of contention with population peacocks and reproduction power brokers.
The OK came despite the rantings of consumer groups which say the condoms are still often too difficult to negotiate in the dark. One proponent of the commodity praised “the progressive nature of these developments” adding that it was about time we did something to protect our children from potentially dangerous technology.
These safer condoms are expected to be available in drugstores and groceries soon. They will be packaged in discreet brown paper so as to not cause suspicion. Buyers should expect to show appropriate identification upon purchase.
A Question of Mental Health
(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)
21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.
Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.
21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.
Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?
21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.
Nurse: That’s what they all say.
21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…
(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)
Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.
21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?
Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?
21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.
Nurse: Can you document it?
21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.
Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?
21st: But I am really nuts!
Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?
21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?
Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.
21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.
Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?
21st: No
Nurse: Do you have insurance.
21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.
Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.
21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.
CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
Cutoff Looms on Celebrity Apps
(Telluride) The final deadline for Western Colorado residents to apply for documented celebrity posture (DCP) has been pushed back to November 15 according to persons familiar with the annual event.
Persons who might believe they are worthy of such status must complete all forms, some quite tedious and challenging, to be considered for the final awards sometime in December for 2026 honors. A one-year reign as a celebrity kahunas or VIPs.
Finalists must present clear evidence that they would conduct themselves properly so as to reflect a perfect fit in the royal dominion.
“It’s a winner-take-all proposition with no half-way celebrities and no wait-until-next-year whining,” said Royal Sashe, founding member of DCP. “Losers go home. Winners get a year as a full- blown celebrity.
“Many will go on to lead happy lives while some will be driven mad by what they see as vindictive favoritism and a blatant obsession with ugly curtain-call tribalism and bloody backstage vendettas,” she choked.
Malcontents and others who have no prayer of ever becoming a celebrity say the competition is rigged. Some say no one deserves megastar notoriety while adversaries contend that they are fools saying that everyone on the planet is a celebrity in the prestigious sense of the word itself.
Bean counters warn that there are already an overabundance of celebrities in the region, accented by thousands more hoping to ascend to that luminary recognition. They further asserted that no cash prize would be included in the committee’s unquestioned integrity and unwavering rectitude.
– Gabby Haze
