Author Archive for M. Toole
DOW Wants in on Drone License Fees
(Deer Trail, CO) Threatening to sell drone licenses to this year’s hunters may or may not be legitimate. Either way it has caused quite an uproar at the Colorado Division of Wildlife, who want a piece of the local action if there is such.
According to town fathers and mothers in Deer Trail, the announcement that the municipality would begin selling drone licenses this fall was meant as a political statement and never as an actuality. Several say they wanted to protest the country’s policies with regard to unmanned rockets, spying and assassinations of suspected terrorists, including US citizens. Others say our government has lost its sense of right and wrong and is engaged in deplorable acts on our behalf.
“The fact that the national media picked up on our tongue and cheek plan further indicates that there are a lot of people out there highly concerned about the clandestine nature of our government these days,” said councilperson Bettie Clonne of Deer Trail. “And now it appears that another parasitic gov’ment agency wants in on the spoils.”
Clonne, which rhymes with drone, went on to suggest that it would be impossible to sell drone licenses since those unmanned weapons are not all that prevalent in Colorado skies and because drones are not wards of the state like deer and elk. In addition they remind us that one cannot eat a drone which creates other problems with morality of hunting in general.
“We realize it is a federal offense to mess with federal property, even though in essence it belongs to the people, doesn’t it?” she asked.
The government has expanded its drone programs to include domestic surveillance which worries civil liberty proponents as to the future of robot war and intrusive technology.
“Don’t shoot it unless you’re going to eat it has always been my mantra,” continued the source. “I haven’t seen any trophy drones up there and the drone is not calculated on the basis of points on the antler since there are no horns, just a ball of metal.”
Meanwhile the DOW, who used to offer hunting licenses at a reasonable fee for instate and out of state sportsmen, has continued its greedy march to the destruction of pedesdrian hunting in Colorado. Years ago everyone shared in the profits, – merchants, outfitters, communities – now most of the money ends up going to the DOW. Today’s average hunter is now urban, unskilled and rich with expensive gear and no soul for the hunt. This is what happens when fees are not in keeping with reality. Less hunters mean less money spent on dinners, hotel rooms and services.
Still the thought of bringing down an unmanned drone is tempting to some. The possibility of actually hitting one with an elk rifle is all but impossible anyway. They travel fast.
Most people in Deer Trail agree that all the hoopla over shooting down drones will blow over after the season is concluded. However the feds and the state will still be here helping us to become more robotic and less human.
What tales will they tell around the campfire in the years to come?
“I was so busy field dressing the first clone that I din’t see the second one coming right at me. Thankfully my old buddy Earl had a bead on it and blasted it out of the sky. I don’t know if the meat can be recovered but it was a damn fine shot. Things sure are different out in the woods then they were when I was a boy.”
– Rocky Flats
CORPORATE SPONSORS WARY OF BOMB ENDORSEMENTS
(Tel Aviv) International corporations, some hoping to profit from the ongoing war in what was once Gaza, seem hesitant to directly endorse its weaponry. Attempts by NATO hard-liners to gain sponsorship of individual bombs has fallen on deaf ears according to sources here.
Saying the bombs have about the same morality as methods of business conducted by most mega-corporations, one NATO spokesman had hoped to persuade both industrialists and retail interests to kick in their fair share.
“We figure that each bomb dropped on Palestine costs about $20,000,” said Vladimir Pinche, a Hungarian accountant attached to NATO. “If we could get corporations like Shell Oil, Apple and Pizza Hut to buy space on the missiles we could save a bundle of cash. Up till now the response has been almost indiscernible.”
Pinche said that he had presented a simple marketing plan that would include a simple logo and a short message.
“Talk about a captive audience,” he smiled. “If corporate thinkers want to strike while the iron is hot there’s no better time than the present. We guarantee they’ll get the attention of the target market.”
According to Pinche the money saved by the endorsements could go toward rebuilding Lebanese sites after the conflict or possibly to pay for expeditionary forces on the ground.
“One leading corporation, the United States government, often marks bombs with its logo. the Stars and Stripes, so that adversaries don’t confuse its payloads with those of the Russians or Chinese,” explained Pinche. “One would think these mass merchandisers would jump at the chance to continue the barrage of relentless propaganda common to most Western societies, but they have not. Imagine a Nike logo on a cruise missile ‘Just do it!’ or Wal-Mart’s happy face on an F-16.”
Pinche went on to say that he had Apache helicopters and even stealth fighters at his disposal as well.
In a related piece the United States and NATO have apologized for the accidental bombing of a Beirut McDonalds on Friday. Although there were no injuries, fiscal damages were set in the thousands.
“Even Ronald (McDonald) is pissed,” said one NATO release, “and the last thing we need is for that bastard clown to join up with Hamas.”
One critic of the war, Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) has suggested that rather than advertising on weapons of destruction the international corporations simply send aid to the Palestinian refugees now in Israeli camps.
“What are we gonna tell our stockholders?” asked one CEO, “that we gave away their dividends. We’re not comfortable embracing that much waste. We’d rather leave that up to the government.”
– Fred Zeppelin
WAS THE GOUT THE UNDOING OF THE BLACKFOOT NATION?
Called the dark toe in the Algonquian language, gout may have been the culprit in ravaging the once-mighty Blackfoot Nation. Historians are correct to ascertain that measles and small pox were devastating to these plains tribes but most miss to contribution of uric acid to the formula.
Once linked to gluttony and drunkenness gout is now seen in a different light. The Blackfoot were not big boozers until the whites kicked them onto reservations. So why did they suffer from gout. Their Alberta cousins, the Sarcee, did not get the gout nor did many of their traditional enemies such as the Sioux. Although not contagious, the painful ailment follows protocol.
The Blackfeet, unlike centuries of European victims, exhibited no guilt as it wasn’t yet invented on the at least out there on the prairie.
“The Native Americans ate few processed foods, little sugar, but a “buttload of buffalo, and I ain’t talking western New York,” said Alberta Purinal, a leading dietician who has never had gout.
“Imagine this scenario,” she continued. A brave wakes up in pain after the Sun Dance. He goes to witch doctor who recommends ginger root extract, black cherries, couch grass and Boerhavia extract. When he asks where he can get these remedies the witch doctor simply flinches and days…maybe over in Canada.”
Confusion reigned then as it does today.
One Blackfoot elder tells us he traded three ponies for a vial of potion said to relieve the gout. It didn’t. They told me at the lodge fire to eat salmon but never tuna. Then later I was warned to eat only tuna and never salmon. I can’t remember the mantra: buffalo meat asparagus and berries or buffalo meat asparagus and berries…
-Fred Zeppelin
For a related piece see Dystopian Nightmares by Lizzie Borden, Testosterone Bros., Boston.
Bear Given Condoms
(Norwood) The Forest Circus has agreed in theory to allow black bears to purchase condoms at a variety of outlets due to overpopulation in the Ursidae ranks of late. Unconfirmed sources verify that the black bear population has increased 20% over the past year and will continue this trend due to the general lack of natural predators, especially in the spring.
Already groups of righteous, radical animal-rights advocates, many who would not know the difference between an aardvark and an antelope, have agreed to provide birth control information to younger, more impressionable cubs.
As one might readily imagine, this development has upset almost every political/social/religious group in the country with each naively keying on their own specific collection of bugaboos without the slightest concern for the rights of their adversaries.
“It is a fool who still thinks we live in a democracy,” said one local ranger. “In 2025 he who shouts the loudest often wins out, while the poor bears can’t utter so much as a compound sentence.”
-Small Mouth Bess
Bake sale to benefit Tsunami victims
(Norwood) A ten-family ethnic bake sale will be presented on Saturday, April 26 to benefit the survivors of a series of Tsunamis that have again hit Indonesia. Despite the fact that the inhabitants affected are of the Muslim persuasion we still feel they need clean water, food and warm clothes. Toward the end of the sale a contest to determine degrees of patriotism will be held – the winner determined by the number of American flags he/she can display on a Toyota pickup. Be sure not to miss it!
AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE
(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents after a long, harsh winter.
The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.
“Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”
Historically the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.
“Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at the giant question mark at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
