Author Archive for M. Toole
Trump’s Head Too Big for Rushmore
(Keystone) Donald the Orange may have gone too far this time. His often-repeated insistence that he be included with Washington, Jefferson Lincoln and (Teddy) Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore was abruptly halted today when sculptors here concluded that his head would not fit on the Black Hills memorial.
“The shrine would simply be too top heavy,” said one sculptor, “with the inclusion of Trump. We’d never get the face right or the hair and narcissists don’t like that.”
The stone mason’s union agreed, adding that continual and expensive cosmetic updates would threaten the structure.
“The whole shooting’ match wouldn’t last three months, even if the president approved the first viewing, a highly unlikely scenario given what we have seen so far.”
Keystone, South Dakota, the closest town to Mount Rushmore has threatened a series of rock slides, sand storms and induced geothermal explosions if Trump employs the executive power act to put his noggin up there.
Although the exact measurements of the head in question are not known it is surmised that the cranial cavity and prefrontal cortex in particular are quite oversize. Readers are reminded that this enlarged superego does not dictate a functional, working mind.
“A clear mandate* dictates that our cult be etched in stone,” said Sally Magma, a solid supporter of isolationist theories of the 18th Century.
Trump has already told aides he plans to build an hotel and gold course at the base of the memorial.
Mount Rushmore, in Black Hills of South Dakota is listed by more than 35,000 people per day. That’s 9 times the people who attended Trumps million-dollar military birthday parade back in June.
The sitting president of South Dakota mines and Technology in Rapid City told reporters that Trump might be better off building sand castles in Florida than “flashing his Elvis-like smirk up here so close to Canada”.
Later the state’s leading construction company, headquartered in Deadwood, withdrew from the bidding process when it discovered that Trump had stiffed them (and over 50 sub-contractors) on a now defunct hotel-casino resort erected Atlantic City, New Jersey in 2013.
Cult masters are playing down what amounts to a great rejection while loyalists in the GOP are, quite predictably, offering up their heads to cover their asses.
“Isn’t this like auctioning off the United States Constitution for fire starter or selling the Liberty Bell for scrap,”lamented the disengaged Deadwood CEO.
North Dakota and Iowa have responded to the unparalleled actions by offering to exhibit Trump’s head “somewhere in their state…in a venue of honor.”
-Ben Black Elk
Next time: Are most American flags
really still manufactured in China?
*Trump won the 2024 election by only 49.8%
of the popular vote compared to Kamala Harris at 48.3%.
Pax Tourista declared by Polis
(Denver) Pledging continuity in positive tourist growth in Colorado, today Governor Jared Polis declared 2005 as Pax Tourista. This tribute only comes along once every 50 years and the recognition goes far beyond state borders. Exhorting all Coloradans to embrace the esteemed honor, he was overtly candid when speaking to merchants and service groups employed in the hospitality industry.
“Merchants in Colorado must be prepared to juggle the silly questions without looking down their noses at flatlanders and other visitors to our state,” he began. “Sure they seem like people from outer space sometimes but deep down they are just like we are and need a little reassurance, especially when out of their element. Be nice,” he stressed.
“A smile can disarm even the most demanding visitor,” he continued. “These people are our guests and not walking dollar bills.”
Polis suggested that merchants keep windows clean and shower regularly so as not to offend. He reminded business people that sticky doors, mean dogs and naked children running around did not send the right message to tourists looking for the high country experience.
“Third World charm should stay there. Our visitors want a little creature comfort after they come back from hiking, eating and fishing. It’s up to us to provide it. A little sincerity goes a long way,” he reminded. “And try to limit the number of restrictions on the entry way. Nobody likes to read No this and No that on the way in to buy a rock or a postcard to send back home. Keep the rap music down and avoid cooking high-intensity ethnic delicacies in the halls too,” he said.
Adhering to some of these simple considerations should result in a healthy, prosperous year for most Coloradans.
“We just want to make sure you pay your sales tax,” the governor joked.
– Uncle Pahgre
Hot Dog Eating Champ to head FDA
Milton Reliche, a 12-time world hot dog eating champion has been tapped by the Trump Administration to run the FDA. He replaces Eliot Mustard, MAGA stalwart Ed Onion and Muriel Pickle-Reliche, yes, the same Muriel who is married to Milton Reliche, and the chairwoman of a North Korean/Quasi-Siberian lingerie empire.
Many loyalists were in attendance, most notably the Duke of Cucumber and the Head of Romaine, vegetarians since birth.
“What exactly is the FDA?” Asked one of the honorable senators. “Are they with us or agin’ us?”
Reliche, who has reportedly taken a loyalty oath in 2016, will receive Secret Service protection after securing second place in the World Weiner Cup competition held last night in Florida. His finish has been contested with supporters claiming the results were fixed and the hot dog machines were tainted.
If approved by rubber stamp agencies rearing up at the state and federal level, Reliche will begin his catering duties in the Oval Office next week. He is expected to serve as interim economic advisor (tariff czar) to the current administration, filling in when the president dismisses anyone who is “not nice”.
-Pepper Salte
Monforts challenged to over 800 duels in 2025
(Greeley) Federal and state police have arrested or detained some 3,000 Colorado Rockies fans accusing most of making public threats and heated, often vulgar suggestions. Some 800 of these unhappy fans have been charged with challenging one or more Monforts to an assortment of duels.
Dueling, which has been illegal since the American Civil War, follows strict etiquette and, sadly often results in the death of one of the participants. It is generally viewed as a question of honor and a last resort in deciding a plethora of grievances. Traditionally duels are fought at dawn with only the shooter’s seconds, a physician and a limited audience standing by.
However, all duels are not fought in such civilized manners. Of the 800 threats some 150 were to be carried out with more modern pistols, another 35 with shotguns. Keystone gladiators also cried out for satisfaction with swords, axes, dart guns, bows, meat cleavers, and yes, a Louisville Slugger or two.
Of the 800 persons of interest police say 50 were quite prepared to meet the meat (in reference to Monfort feedlots). These angry baseball enthusiasts boasted pistols ensconced in tasteful hardwood boxes, often featuring a family logo or monogram of century-old shooting clubs. The weapons, often single-shot flintlocks or black powder almost always come in pairs, perfect for a morning gunfight.
One woman said she hoped to fight it out with whichever Monfort has the guts to show up. She says that while dueling may not solve anything it remains a matter of honor to many Coloradans. Her instrument of assault was a sharpened femur from a dead bovine that many cheered as quite appropriate.
“I feel the slap of the glove across my face every time the Rockies blow a lead or strike out with the bases loaded,” she said. “We deserve better. Unless we see a change of ownership we will continue to experience this passive-aggressive emptiness that will eat us up like overpriced beers and hot dogs.”
Brothers Charles and Richard Monfort purchased the Colorado Rockies baseball team in 1992.
-Rocky Flats, Sports Editor
Sanjuanhorseshoe.com will now engage in a short intermission and will return to our regularly scheduled programs after aliens from other planets land in Colorado looking for season tickets to the Broncos, Nuggets or Avalanche, three successful franchises in the state.
American Tune
I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
I don’t have a friend who feels at ease
I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered
Or driven to its knees
Oh, but it’s all right, it’s all right
For lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the road
We’re traveling on
I wonder what went wrong
I can’t help it, I wonder what’s gone wrong
-Paul Simon, 1973
TRUMP TARGET OF BROOKLYN VENDETTA
Donald Trump reportedly stiffed a waiter at Sheep by Barashka in Brooklyn back in 2015 and it has not been forgotten. Not even close. As if this sitting president didn’t have enough to worry about these days he is being trailed, taunted, shadowed and harassed by several Russian syndicates that call Coney Island and Sheep’s Head Bay their home turf.
Locals here say that if they catch up with him it may not be a pretty scene.
Stopping short of calling their actions a vendetta, three waiters and a chef (Trump insulted the food too) have ben methodically planning to get even for years. It is common knowledge that honor takes the front seat and Trump was tied up in the trunk, according to a Russian proverb.
Eyewitnesses , many of whom have disappeared, (mostly older people with heavy Russian names) contend that Trump acted belligerently and tried to leave the restaurant without paying his bill. One of the waiters then chased him but was held back by body guards. It was not clear if the bill was covered.
“If he paid the bill he never tipped,” said one of the staff who still works at the eatery. “What an insult! We don’t forget this kind of behavior and have been biding our time. Our borscht is the best in New York and our golubtsy is to die for.”
Sheep by Barashka (little Barbara) long ago denied that there was a score to settle preferring, at least in public, to put them matter to rest. Sadly, many veterans on the staff still bristle when someone with orange hair walks in the front door..
“He hasn’t been back,” said the chef. “We remain on watch for him or any of his minions who will be escorted promptly out. With all the wonderful customers we have enjoyed over the years it is a shame to see one bad apple throwing around his increased weight.”
It was not known if this recent action would complicate a rumored application via the White House for a request for political asylum in Russia. It was not clear if the desired petition traveled through prescribed diplomatic channels or if it named names. Vladimir Putin, president of Russia did not return our phone calls seeking information on recent diplomatic functions or new sanctions yet to be levied by the Senate.
-Alfalfa Romero
