Author Archive for M. Toole

The Kerry Man Cannot Be Fooled!

(Editor’s note: Just so our reader gets a little dry behind the ears

we wanted to reprint a joke heard in Dingle a few years back…)

     An American balloonist took off from London and headed west over the Irish sea as planned. He passed over Dublin, then Kilkenny but when he attempted his descent he was pushed and pulled by gusty winds and sent farther west of his destination. Concerned, he made the proper adjustments but still continued to flow west. Soon, after dropping some elevation he found himself over what appeared to be County Kerry, drifting out in to the open Atlantic and big trouble.

     Just as he passed over what he thought was the Dingle Peninsula he saw a Kerryman out working in his fields. As a last resort he yelled down to the man: “Excuse me sir but…but where am I?”

     The man looked up, surprised and responded, “You can’t fool me. You’re up in that little basket hanging from a hot air balloon.”

IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE

(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.

     These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.

     “When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport. “Despite England’s refusal to believe we didn’t want to be English we managed to persevere and have reclaimed our culture, our heritage and our souls.”

     “We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”

     If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea, landing in an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continues to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.

– Padriac Hopp-Bennie

IN DEFENSE OF THE MOUNTAIN LION

by Rex Montaleone and Pauline Parvenu

     Now, let’s see…magpies, malls, misappropriations, moon pies, mountain lions…ah…mountain lions…much maligned mountain lions…The proud cats of the Rockies have been the victim of bad press for centuries even carrying a stiff bounty on their heads until recent years. The the adult cat, known as a puma, panther, cougar, catamount or El leon in other parts of the Western Hemisphere may be either a gray color or a reddish or yellowish color called tawny. It’s hairs are fawn-gray tipped with reddish-brown or grayish. He has no spots and in this way is different from his cousin the jaguar. The throat, the insides of the legs and the belly are white, and the tip of the tail is black. Some mountain lions are solid black but they are quite rare in the Southern Rockies.

     A full-grown animal may be over five feet long not counting the heavy tail which is usually two to three feet long. The heaviest lion on record weighs in at about 240 pounds. The body is slender and the legs are long. The head is round and rather small. As one can quite well imagine the mountain lion is a formidable foe on physical prowess alone. Combine his high intelligence and sly, methodical nature and any adversary could have a major donnybrook on his hands.

     Mountain lions have from one to five cubs at a time which can be very taxing for the female. If a hiker comes across a female lion with cubs the best approach is to wave his arms and make noise. You will then appear larger and more fierce. If this doesn’t work you might try running like hell even though the lion will probably see that as a sign of fear and attack immediately. One good idea is to bring along an ample supply of raw meat in your backpack which could serve as a diversion in a tight spot. Mountain lions are generally timid when in the proximity of man and are less likely to attack than other cats such as the smaller lynx or bobcat.

     Although mountain lions go to great lengths to avoid contact with man the population has grown steadily since the animal has been protected. Most Western states have a season on the lions but they are severely restricted. More cats are killed attempting to rustle livestock then are shot during bow and rifle season combined.

     The cry of the mountain lion is wild and terrifying. It sounds like a woman screaming in pain. The animal also has a soft whistle call that can be quite unnerving to potential prey. Mountain lions hunt at night. It’s chief prey is deer, followed by elk. On special occasions it kills a bighorn and if hungry enough will feed on small mammals, even skunks and porcupines. The cat generally keeps under cover while stalking its prey then suddenly leaps upon the animal breaking its neck and dragging it to the ground. Unfortunately most herd animals, including domestic ones, don’t have access to all this information or they certainly wouldn’t go out after dark.

     Imagine living life as a sheep, in the strictly literal sense. You have just finished grazing on the side of a hill and are set for some shut-eye. The shepherd is already asleep and the moon is full. Off in the distance you hear a shrill cry. The rest of the herd is tense. In the shadows you can see the silhouette of the predator, creeping his way toward your flock. What is he after? Surely the shepherd will protect his sheep. Wait! He’s looking right at you! No, this just can’t be. You’re too young to die plus you’re scheduled for shearing on Monday! Look at those biceps. Oh no. It’s too late. He’s stepped up his pace. His claws are extended. He’s in the air. He’s got you…

     How often do you think this bloody scenario occurs over the summer season when the woolies are up high and the mountain lion has expanded its hunting radius? Every night? Once a week? Once a month? Wrong! There are far more sheep killed on the highways than by the proud cats. Everyone, especially the crafty mountain lion knows that elk and venison are way better tasting than mutton. Lions who engage in this kind of roguishness are usually too old to catch anything else and are badly in need of a snack.

     The human reaction to mountain lion forays is to mount a hunting party or posse and go out after the lion. This generally results in a lot of senseless wandering around the hills at night with whiskey and loaded rifles. Which lion is to blame for the crime? Can these trackers distinguish between a lion who was home in bed at the time of the infraction and the feline rascal who raided the herd? It’s not likely. Therefore it’s the old solution of an eye for an eye and the only accomplishment is often one less lion and no increased security for the sheep. One of our neighbors placed a series of spotlights around her corrals in an attempt to discourage further onslaughts but the mountain lion in attendance simply used the light to scope out the fattest prize and then dined by simulated candlelight.

     Animal behaviorists stop short of suggesting that the mountain lions should police themselves regarding this grave matter. However, that is not a valid approach to the conflict. Many ranchers have employed llamas, dogs and high fences in an attempt to spare sheep a gruesome death but the cats are just to smart and too powerful. The core of the problem is simple enough: sheep look like lunch to mountain lions.*

     The cats sometimes kill calves and young horses. The largest variety of mountain lion has been given the scientific tag hippolestes, which translates as horse killer. This is a heartless misconception as more horses die each year of jockey abuse and rattlesnake bites than from lion attacks. Nobody calls the rattlesnake hippolestes. This, like most other things evolving from the human factor, is not fair.**

     As the mountain lion population increases so do these scrapes with the law. Efforts to pay the ranchers for losses have not worked. A plan to designate certain low grade sheep and cattle as official mountain lion cuisine has never gotten off the ground nor have the construction of mine fields since sheep are way dumber than most wild predators.

     Mountain lions do a lot of good when left to their methods. Many have helped control the poodle population even on redwood decks of the Front Range sprawl. That takes some guts alright! Unlike bears, lions aren’t proficient dumpster divers, unlike coyotes they won’t keep a camper up all night and unlike deer they do not loiter on the highways at dusk and dawn. Probably the most important contribution of the big cat is his inherent wildness. At a point where man is polluting his planet and manufacturing stress upon more stress, the presence of a beast like the mountain lion succeeds in giving us hope. Long after our species (and its livestock allies) has burned itself out, the mountain lion will be prowling these forests looking for a hot meal.

*Despite years of bad publicity there is no conclusive proof that the graceful mountain lion is a threat to livestock, unless of course he is hungry.

**The mountain lion is an extremely social animal and lives in a den with its family, or pride until the young cubs are old enough to hunt for their own food. Actually observing a mountain lion in the wild can be a thrilling experience depending on where you may lie on the food chain.

BLACK CANYON PAINTING GETS THUMBS DOWN

(Bostwick Park) A Department of Interior plan for the painting of the Black Canyon has been abandoned as of this morning. The overhaul had called for extensive scraping and painting over the winter.

     “They weren’t even gonna prime the thing,” said one local painter, “and the colors didn’t match up.”

     Rumors indicate that the USFS intended to paint the canyon in greenie green, a shade preferred by feds everywhere. Already the fall budget called for $1.2 million to be spent on paint and another $100,000 on drop cloths.

     “We had already lined up ladders, brushes and rollers,” said one proponent of the ordeal. “Sure, the project came in at cost plus but what do we care, it’s not our money. Waste would have been minimal or at least tough to detect since paint spilled into the river would have been in Delta by noon the next day.”

     Budgetary considerations had been established so as to assure the continued annual flow of tax money in years to come.

     “If we could have pulled this one off we could have secured funding to rewire Grand Mesa next summer and plumb the San Juans in 2001. Not since campground trash pickup coordinates were established in the Fifties have I seen a program with such potential. Sure, we’d have to relocate some of the more disruptive wildlife and change the curtains but that falls under the jurisdiction of land management. I don’t know why the public can’t mind it’s own business. Even the blueprints were the right color.”

– Jack Spratt

Behavior Mod Working on Highways

Western Slope police departments have been taking a new approach to the enforcement of traffic laws this summer. They call the program Positive Response Reaction Pacification but it’s really only simple behavior modification. It works like this:

A police officer observes a driver roaring through a school zone at 50 mph. The driver then runs a red light, makes an illegal U-turn, tears through an inhabited crosswalk and comes to a screeching stop in his front yard just inches away from a large elm tree. Does the officer pursue this reckless criminal and make an arrest? The answer is “No.” A second scenario goes like this.

The same officer observes a delivery vehicle proceeding at the allotted speed limit, signaling when appropriate, driving defensively and politely. He hits the flashing red light on the patrol car and swings into action.

Overtaking the delivery truck the officer vaults from the car and approaches the vehicle.

“Good morning, sir,” smiles the policeman. “I just stopped you to tell you that you are doing a fine job operating this rig. We appreciate safe, considerate drivers like yourself on our highways. Here i s a ticket for $25. Just send it in to the circuit court and they’ll send you a check.”

This shockingly innovative program has been in effect since April 1 and has cut the average officer’s work load by as much as 50%. Already it has lowered stress and complication due to messy fines and imprisonment.

“By rewarding positive behavior and ignoring the negative, we hope to educate the public and bring about a profound change in driver mentality throughout the country,” said Juan Concerto, one of the creators of the program. “Already we see sober motorists following squad cars around trying to catch the eye of the patrolman.”

Suspicious vehicles will still be stopped, according to Concerto, but “the PRRP Program is a step in the right direction,” he winked.

-Pepper Salte

Still in the Dark

With Back to Bed Fred, National Wool Census 

In a related development Colorado Senate appears primed to pass Over Easy Act. “We have noticed that uncompromised glee is missing from the American menu and we hope this restart might bring it back.”

Next time: Are gun lovers fetishists ?