Author Archive for M. Toole
Bake sale to save the environment
(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!
Blue Mesa Vodka – Your Hedge Against Tariffs
(Gunnison) Fearing tariffs on imported alcohol, leaders here plan to drain Blue Mesa Reservoir and fill it with Polish, Finnish and Swedish vodkas.
Prioritizing natural wildlife and preserving the ecosystem the honeycombed transfers will begin on Tuesday with the exhausting chore completed before the 4th, according to a newly released and unprecedented agenda.
Diversions of late runoff and the dragging of the lake for harmful debris are likely to circumvent prior concerns. Then and only then will the lake be “restocked” with the imported booze. Traffic may be impacted on weekdays with a detour through Wyoming on the docket.
The reservoir, Colorado’s largest, would be pumped dry of water and replenished with rye grain or potato based inebriant for all to enjoy.
The current population of fish, including some of the largest Mackinaws on the planet and a thriving flathead catfish colony, will be relocated to a more serene habitat before the liquor is piped in.
“Add a few tones of olives, a few barrels of vermouth and we can then claim bragging rights as to the world’s largest vodka martini,” tethered Deep Eddie Taaka, who owns more than 200 miles of beachfront property in and around Blue Mesa.
The vodka levels are expected to reach capacity and remain at that proportion through the winter. Vodka does not freeze solid like water and can be easily monitored and examined for impurities from the air.
Already many local bars and restaurants have come on board featuring the local hooch and initiating bottling procedures that are in sync to begin in the spring.
Runoff, rain, snow melt and road dirt will be kept at bay by miles of tiny screens that buckle tightly to trees, rocks, beaches, abandoned craft or any other physical barriers deemed loyal to the development and protection of the flowing spirits.
Drinkers of imported vodka appear relieved today with the news that Gunnison and Montrose counties will employ tourist tax dollars to mold this innovative stretch into a solid reality.
Just months ago the very idea of filling a high-altitude lake with vodka seemed absurd but now, after blueprints, taste tests and triple distilling the concept has gained acceptance even from the most stubborn contingents.
In a related piece of news a move to rename Blue Mesa Reservoir Trump Loch Estuary by some local MAGA supporters was unanimously voted down in the Colorado House yesterday, effectively smothering the proposal before it reached the light of day.
For more on this turn to:
Gravity Levels Remain Dangerously Low Friday
Melania in Greenland?
Ultra-reclusive First Lady Melania Trump has allegedly been spotted departing from 46-foot Nordhavn flybridge trawler here on the coast of the world’s largest island. The unconfirmed disembarking is said to have occurred in the vicinity of Nuuk, on the southwest coast of the autonomous nation of Greenland.
It has not been officially confirmed that Ms. Trump is in Greenland as an official emissary of the United States or if she simply needed to get away from the demanding duties of her role (read husband) Likewise it was not clear who, if anyone, may have accompanied her to the arctic destination or how long she plans to stay.
Calls to the White House have yet to net any response leading Trump-appointed marriage counselors to clam up on the speculative trip. Rumors have circulated of late suggesting that life may not be so sweet on the second floor master bedroom.
Cynics were quick to surmise that Melania is simply putting a few sea miles between her and her husband.
“We’re not sure what’s going on but that should not stand in the way of yet another White House drama,” said The Washington Post, which plans to send a reporter to the far north on Tuesday to investigate what it calls undocumented ramblings.
– Pepper Salte
Bake sale to encourage world peace
(Gunnison) A combined bake and gun sale is scheduled for Saturday, May 28 on the campus of Western State College here. Included in the fare will be doughnuts, eclairs, brownies, Afro-American toes, subversive cookies, strudel, cream puffs, hand-held missile launchers and assault rifles. All profits will be fed back into the social system earmarked for organizations dedicated to world peace. If you know any please bring contact numbers to the sale. Immediately following the sale a seminar entitled Why are gas prices continually rising after the fall of Baghdad decades ago? will be presented by the severely twisted student union.
Easter Bunny Detained in Purse Snatching
UPDATE: For anyone not surprised and still marginally interested… Readers will undoubtedly recall that on April 20, Kristi Noem, Secretary of US Homeland Security, former South Dakota governor and MAGA stalwart
was the victim of a purse snatching, losing her clearance badge, her passport and $3000 in cash.
Over the past few weeks a scouring for the purse snatcher had intensified – yet remained unsolved despite FBI surveillance and Homeland Security agents breaking in to warrens in search of the suspected perpetrator.
That all changed this morning with the capture and detainment of the Easter Bunny
All rabbits residing in the United States at the time of the heist were to be arrested and deported but Trump Administration rescinded on the much maligned the move. Noem had initially insisted that a member of a minority group had stolen her purse and that the thief was “undoubtedly an illegal alien who hates America”.
“It is clear that the Easter Bunny took my purse,” groused Kristi Noem, quickly changing her story so as to consolidate her views with those of leading Republicans anxious to put the embarrassing episode to rest.
The Easter Bunny was not in possession of any cash when apprehended, leading some law enforcement personnel to question the validity of a quickly buttoned up case. Although none of the $3000 cash that Noem was carrying was found on the accused crook the government is moving ahead on the arraignment.
The rabbit carries a Green Card issued by the United States and enjoys the status of a legal resident of over 200 countries world wide. He has never had a felony unless hiding brightly colored eggs is now a crime. If indicted, the tall, fuzzy, pink-eared rodent could face deportation.
“That Noem woman should keep a better eye on her high clearance documentation or lose it.” said an Congressional insider who was outside at the time of the heist.
– Melvin Toole
Mine Camps Set to Open – spend your summer underground! Abandoned mine shafts and tailings ponds your thing? Contact Benny Virtuoso, Camp Bird Continuing Education. Ouray.
Fracking in nation’s midsection no longer covered by Medicare.
The pursuit of alternative fuels has fallen victim to yet further cuts in the energy sector as government efficiency wanders about interfacing safety nets and ancient pollutants.
The government position has been that without rigorous safety regulations, fracking can poison groundwater, pollute surface water, impair wild landscapes, and threaten wildlife.
However the current administration has taken a reverse course exhibiting clear hostility regarding wind and solar power and embracing fossil fuels, seafloor mining, coal and fracking methods as part of an attempt to bring back the good old days of domestic manufacturing.
The promises of more jobs may be a flimsy one since there were more people employed in the alternative energy sectors than in traditional petroleum driven arena. The overall employment picture is sure to take a hit with layoffs in the clean and sustainable energy field.
The controversial grandfathered status accorded to fracking, considered the most harmful of all oil exploration techniques continues to be contested at highest levels while the planet burns and dangerous pollution levels increase.
Talk of further deregulation may soon permit drilling in the nation’s cemeteries say ACLU sources, calling the process “tasteless and inhumane at best”.
Voodoo economists warn that this disruption could lead to the release of bad juju and facilitate the emergence of evil spirits in a world already gone mad.
“We have enough evil running the show as it is” said one soothsayer.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not be stopping in Silverton this month because my horses are afraid of the train. Sorry.
