Author Archive for M. Toole
Heaven and Hell Close to Prisoner Exchange
(Purgatory) Eternal powers, Paradise and Hades, have released a preliminary announcement detailing a likely prisoner exchange slated for November. The swap, taking most celestial watchdogs by surprise, is the first arrangement of this type in 1200 years.
On the heels of an announcement, heavenly players insist that some souls were mistakenly sent to hell and should not spend eternity there. Sources in hell, reluctant to release anyone enrolled in day labor or engaged in plea bargains, were mute on any specific developments saying only “something is in the wind”.
What heaven will do with a cult of once-indicted sinners and what hell might project as the future of former empyreal beings is not clear according to persons familiar with these events. Already “transfer souls” are bivouacked near the welcome stations of both afterlife precincts. Traditionalists call the reputed move cult-driven and question how the souls could be traded since they are invisible and often not responsive to earthly prodding.
“Deporting souls once accepted at the Pearly Gates will not go over well,” said one theologian. “Just when you thought you had it knocked they tell you you’re going downstairs. Frankly I am surprised that there has not been much resistance in heaven considering the desperate state of affairs. Maybe they don’t believe it will culminate in a realignment at all.”
The last night in hell should be a knock down, drag out celebration for the damned who are headed for an eternity of peace and joy. The effected souls will have little time to readjust to the realities of both eternal destinations say proponents of the exchange. Hell has it’s high points and Heaven is no picnic. No, angels on both sides of the barricades will not be part of the controversial swap.
“Talk about being stuck in Limbo…I guess it’s either puffy clouds or pitchforks?”, said one consecrated source.
-Fred Zeppelin
FISH GET NEEDED BREATHER
(Ridgway) Local trout, who have enjoyed the time off over the past month due to bow and black powder hunting seasons as well as the gov’ment shutdown, are ready to get back to work Monday.
“The reservoir is starting to freeze and we expect the ice fishermen to start arriving any day now,” said Ken Kokanee of Colona. “We look this season much like a hockey game. The only difference is that there’s a hole in the ice and half of the participants use fishing poles instead of hockey sticks. Also,” Kokanee spouted, “there’s no puck! Think of the fish as the puck.”
MATH CORONER
If Governor Polis would have spent his campaign funds on beer instead of all that annoying television advertising this year, how many of the beverages would have been bought for each American over 21 years of age? Would he have gained a larger percentage of the popular vote this way? How would this have affected the electoral college in terms of square roots and all that? Is a gubernatorial candidate expected to provide snacks too?
Write your answers on a bar napkin and send to Math Coroner, Potter Gazette, Pea Green, Colorado. The first person to answer these biting questions correctly will be, in turn, bitten by a member of our kitchen staff. In case of tie, all winners will be encouraged to run for President in 2028.
MIGHTY PACK RAT SAVES UTAH FAMILY FROM FIRE
(Ticaboo) A powerful packrat, allegedly super-charged by constant exposure to hybrid pest repellent, is credited with saving an Utah family from an all-consuming blaze that destroyed their house and barn last night.
The nocturnal rodent, an enthusiastic participant in communal living, apparently discovered the fire in the cellar of one of the dwellings and alerted the family who fled before the flames reached the first floor.
“Adrenaline was definitely in play,” said one local deputy. “This rat pulled steel beams, pushed through a crumbling retaining wall and chewed a hole in the roof to relieve smoke damage all while scurrying below the smoke and certain asphyxiation. We have pictures from the structure’s security system. I know it sound stupid but that rat was some kind of body builder, he frowned.
“We don’t know how this loving rescue will affect the status of the hated pack rat in rural environs,”added a fireman on the scene. “These gnawing bastards have had a public relations problem since the Plague and before.”
It was not known if the family and the rat knew each other.
-Suzie Compost
STATE TO JERKY FALL COLORS
(Denver) In an attempt to stretch the dramatic fall colors far into November state officials have implemented a plan to jerky aspen, oak and cottonwood trees still in their splendid state. Already teams of botanists have been busy in an attempt to isolate and expedite the most effective formula for the approved extension.
“First we’ll focus on the aspens since they are far and above the most popular with autumn tourists,” said Melvin Toole who holds a third degree in Popular Venison Culture from Cal Amari. “The oak and cottonwood are far less fragile and we think we can jerky them later in the month and still come up with a hardy supply that may last through Thanksgiving.”
The process of jerking the fall colors involves a lengthy drying process that has been proven to extend the life of other entities such as wild game and the terms of Congressmen. Aspen leaves in particular conform to the rigid properties necessary for the current jerk thinking.
“We have experimented with canning and applied freezing since the Sixties,” says Toole. “What’s important is to harvest the chosen leaves and introduce them to our methods before the natural process takes hold. Rest assured that we have gone to great lengths to protect the birds and fury little animals who call the trees their homes. They have until tomorrow to evacuate.”
Even though leaves and most bark samples are void of nutrition many desperate people tend to eat them come February or March when other supplies have been exhausted. Unlike leaves from tree farms, where an assortment of fertilizer and additives are employed, these wild trees offer supplement-free leaves, roots and bark.
“Many mammals enjoy a diet comprised of mountain vegetation throughout the winter. We plan to test the jerky on herd animals, state prisoners and even fish before the snow falls,” said Toole. “We’ve already turned the bear on to the spicier blends and they liked it…of course they enjoy maggots as a tasty entre.”
Residents and visitors are asked to stay clear of jerky operations until the end of the month when the Department of the Interior will join state agencies in presenting an open house to further explain their priorities. For a map of the more concentrated jerky operations contact the gov’ment agency of your choice.
– Small Mouth Bess
Musings on the Furry Unpredictable Bruin
“I want to be accepted as a bear by bears for just one night this fall. That’s my autumn fantasy. Here are the best daydreams, reveries and delusional suggestions from readers as well as a slew of keen observations from people out wandering around in the forest. Guidance, respect and caution blend to present the solicitor and the animal in the best light
One must adhere to eating habits to fit in with the sleuth. – If you want to fit in you must eat maggots and an occasional cow carcass (buried for at least aa week. On the more pleasant side of the culinary adventure try salmon eyes or fresh honey.
The smell. You have to take on that smell. That bear scent or you’re sure to be noticed by the offensive human aroma, if not spotted and possibly eaten on the spot.
“He/she is a bear in the morning.” When a person os difficult right out of bed and sometimes until lunch. Bears are bears 24/7 and are larger and stronger than you.
I don’t know about your wishes but I do know it’s bear safety rhyme “If it’s brown, lay down. If it’s black, fight back. If it’s white, goodnight” sounds like good advice.
Bear are vegetarians. Bear are always hungry. You decide.
“Men are bears with furniture.” – Rita Rudner
In Medellin, Antioquia they say “Que oso!” What a bear…which translates as how bad or embarrassing…
Origin of Teddy bear: Teddy Roosevelt is not cuddly in the least and is a loud mouth which will undoubtedly interrupt one’s sleep.
In 1976 Melvin B. Toole spent the entire winter in a cave near Sultan Peak to simulate the overall effects of hibernation. Grew fur. He had little tech advantage just notes and pencils. Fell asleep. Taught some wandering Dahl sheep how to start a campfire.
Hibernation sucks! Say younger cubs.
Learn bear etiquette. There have been a barrage of new books on this very subject as humans attempt to compete with AI and simultaneously out of other ideas.
Bear suits don’t work unless you want to be on such screen gems as I Love Lucy or Gentle Ben. Remember the cameo of the bear in The Shining?
Denver Bears makes some sense, but Baylor Bears – why? Bruins, Grizzlies, Chicago Bears ad nauseam.
Never ever carry bear spray. If they (the bears) find it on you you are as good as toast.
– Uncle Pahgre
