Author Archive for M. Toole
Trump Uruguay Apartments Taken Out by Comet
(Punta del Este) A 26-story apartment tower owned by the Trump family is no more after a collision with a small comet this morning. The stationary edifice was hit head-on by the unnamed comet traveling at a speed estimated to be 2000 miles per hour. According to American Fear-Based Weather forecasts the comet was not expected until 2029. While the Trump property is in shambles no other destruction was reported in the vicinity as vacationers enjoyed the peaceful beaches. Stunned emergency workers, surveyed the damage and isolated the epicenter (or ego climate) and spent hours putting out fires before a ground blizzard (first one ever recorded in the LaPlata Region) forced them to take shelter in a nearby cafe not touched by the comet. Trump blamed immigrants for the damage.
House Approves Daniels
(Warshington) A split House reluctantly approved the hotly contested nomination of Jack Daniels to the Supreme Quart this afternoon. Daniels, a longtime Trump supporter, has no experience in government, but has made millions in the whiskey distillation business in his native Tennessee.
Now that the dust has cleared, supporters admit that opponents all but put a cork in the proceedings. Many are said to have favored George Dickel, a country-western singer from Oklahoma.
Many House Republicans bucked partisan lines to reject the appointment on the grounds that Daniels is uneducated and inexperienced. Washington insiders say the real reason for the hesitation lies within public opinion polls… The more conservative, Bible Belt constituencies would not like the idea of a sour mash king sitting on the nation’s highest quart.
A corn-fed filibuster was avoided when concessions were made that iced the nomination. The final vote was 106-86 with a host of abstentions. The action will now head to the Senate where it is expected to receive quick approval due to the presence of an open bar and scantily clad servers in the Capitol. – Rocky Flats
“We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty.”
– Edward R. Murrow, Report on Senator Joseph McCarthy (March 7, 1954)
Colorado native sons excel in Denver and in San Diego
Three native sons are doing remarkably well in professional baseball and football so far in 2018. Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland, Broncos running back Phillip Lindsay and Chargers receiver Austin Ekeler have shown that not only can they run with the big boys but they can dominate.
Rockies’ ace, Kyle Freeland, a graduate of Thomas Jefferson High School in Denver, played his college ball at Evansville and was drafted by the Rockies in the first round of the 2014 draft. Since earning his first win against the Dodgers in his Major League debut in April 2017 he has emerged as a force on the young staff. This season his stats are impressive: 15-7 under 3.00 era and a legitimate Cy Young candidate in only his second year in The Bigs. The tall left-hander has gained the respect of his fellow players with his going-about-his-business work ethic. He is a big reason the team is in first place at this writing.
Phillip Lindsay, rookie running back for Broncos, graduated from South High School where he was school’s all-time leading rusher. Then he went to University of Colorado where he set records for yards from scrimmage and all-purpose yards. Despite a serious injury in senior year of high school CU upheld his football scholarship and that altruism paid monster dividends.
CU coach Mike MacIntyre called him the Tasmanian Devil due to his remarkable quickness. Phillip was elected team captain his sophomore year and averaged 5 yard per carry at CU.
At 5’ 9” and 190 pounds he was undrafted by the NFL but made the cut with a running-back rich Bronco team. In his first game against the Seahawks he ran between tackles and caught screens, scoring his first passing touchdown to the delight of hometown fans. He is corked energy and explosive drive and is already among the league leaders in rushing and receptions.
Western State Colorado University standout Austin Ekeler now of the Los Angeles Chargers, was born in and went to high school in Eaton, Colorado. Like Lindsay he was an undrafted free agent. Austin is 5’ 10” and 200 pounds worth of tough cookie. 
He excelled out there in Whizzer White’s backyard. His consistent stats at Western were quite impressive, leading running backs in all categories junior and senior years. Average 190 all-purpose yards. 19 touchdowns junior year and 15 senior year plus back-to-back 1500 yards seasons. Like Lindsay he was deemed too small for the NFL but surprise…surprise.
And these days here he is playing pro ball in San Diego. It’s a sure bet he misses the Gunnison winters, heh?
In other sports news: Coloradoans are the least obtuse in the country for the 18th year running. Blunt and sometimes difficult, the Rocky Mountain residents here set the standard for the rest of the nation. Colorado – Be proud or get out.
Spider
Trump International Victim of Sink Hole
(Chicago) The Trump International Hotel and Tower was destroyed this morning after being gobbled up by a rogue sinkhole followed by relentless assaults of hail. As residents fled, the remnants of the building were washed away by a flash flood compliments of an angry Lake Michigan. Miraculously, adjacent properties were unharmed by the violent weather pattern. This is the first time in recorded weather history that these natural disasters have hit simultaneously in a microclimate. A spokesman for the White House blamed Obama for the incident.
Meanwhile our White House is quite calm this morning
Avoiding the current drama of indictments and denials on Pennsylvania Avenue, our local White House Mountain appeared ultra-calm this morning, preparing to welcome the first real winter snow in the San Juans.
Gorilla Glue “Spill” Foils Congressional E-Seating
An unexplained application of super glue, allegedly smeared and squirted by terrorists, has prevented a quorum in the House and Senate. The intrusive substance, thought to be Gorilla Glue due to its bonding quotients, was disbursed onto all doors leading in and out of the legislative chamber preventing lawmakers from taking their accustomed seats Monday morning.
The doors, now welded shut with the fast acting chemical compound, have thwarted attempts by leaders here to E-Seat themselves in apprehension of hearings on term limits and campaign financing.
The term E-Seat refers to the eternal and elite status of the average Congressman who is supposed to represent the citizens of this country but often opts for its own interests instead. Many think the glue, liberally applied over the weekend, is the work of obstructionists intent of derailing investigations and hearings on the subject of corruption at the highest levels.
According to a history censor, on retainer at the Horseshoe, “There is no precedence here. The glue may just be a practical joke or a warning as to tar and feathering to come. The barrels discarded near the Capitol certainly validate the seriousness of the felonious maneuvers.
In response to the attack the White House had threatened to cut off all exit visas issued by the New Deep State. These were aimed at domestic detractors, local critics and the disloyal. The response was shelved when close aides informed the president that the country does not now require exit visas for anyone especially US passport holders.
The Trump people want exit these highly visible controls and are pushing for them. On paper the law allows for the establishment of such controls but has shunned the idea due to the expense and impracticability of such a move.
“These people are very much like gorillas,” said one political analyst. “Considering the recent bi-partisan track record in these chambers many of us think we should leave well enough alone until after the mid-term elections.
– Pepper Salte
