Author Archive for M. Toole

Trump Middle East Club is no more

(Dubai) Drastic atmospheric pressure changes brought the tumultuous rains to the desert but a direct lightning hit and subsequent wild fire have been blamed for the colossal annihilation of the Palm Trump Towers here.

“There’s nothing left but sand and some red baseball caps,” said a former bookkeeper. The drastic phenomenon of intense rain and flooding led onlookers to ask if the world was coming to an end. Again, palaces, eateries and casinos next to the Trump property were untouched.

“It was if the tempest had eyes, its target clear in mind, when it let loose,” said the source. Trump was not on the scene. Aides told reporters he was hospitalized recovering from Puerto Rican Plague, a painful malady that causes the head to swell and the tongue to stop working. The family has blamed the episode on sullen employees, many of whom are recent immigrants.   

Trump Aberdeen Golf Course Destroyed by Hurricane

(Aberdeen, Scotland) Another Trump property has been demolished by natural causes this week leading scientists to believe that similar incidents are not only linked but that the planet is pissed off beyond reconciliation. Greens, tee boxes and a luxury club house were torn from their roots and sent skyward while golfers sat in nearby bunkers (untouched) and waited for Mother Nature to complete what was called “a strategic attack as if cherry-picked by the heavens” by eye-witnesses.

Then, in hydrological pentameter and just as the skies began to clear, the property was trounced to dust by a tornado that landed right smack on hole number 18. No other destruction was reported in the vicinity. Trump declared bankruptcy and dismissed employees without pay.

Congress Must Declare Tips

(Fort Knox) Members of the United States Congress must begin declaring tips as of January 2019 according to the Department of the Treasury and the Federal Reserve.

The action comes on the heels of voter complaints that a majority of elected officials are treated like royalty when they are simply rich and spoiled. Most Americans feel that the Congress equates to chaos, descending into an untouchable body that often views itself as above the law.

Tips that now must be acknowledged include gratuities, gifts, donations, offerings, favors, rewards, grants, dowries, entitlements, endowments, drafts, credits, bonds, consignments, and accumulated fiscal considerations. Livestock and theater/sports tickets were not on the primary list.

In the past it was easy to hide these embellishments and rationalize tips as part of the job but no more! Now all benefactors must declare their gifts thus dropping a bomb into many common loopholes. In addition members of the House and Senate must now pay for medical insurance, limos, flowers, haircuts, neckties, jewelry and fact-finding trips to the Caribbean in February.

It is not known what the taxable sum of these tips but experts are placing it at around $4 billion per year.

“The income derived from taxing their tips could pay for national health insurance, physical infrastructure, better public education and school lunches for underprivileged children,” said Omar “Twenty” Percente, the Maryland accountant who is credited with originating what he calls the Just Deserts Petition after watching Congressmen take unfair license and claim countless concessions not nailed down by vague and vaporous laws.

“The termination of this theft should help level the playing field,” he explained. “In the future we might see fewer politicians entering the power arena in hopes of striking it rich at the expense of the American citizen.

Percente’s only regret is that he should have pressed the Treasury Department to render the shake-up retroactive to 1782. Then maybe we’d see a few honest politicians, at least until they figure a way around this recent action.

– Rex Mantaleone

Winter coloring contest

Yes, it’s the Uncompahgre Valley in late September. Can you color it white? Do so before the big snows hit and win a snow cat from the San Juan Horseshoe. Offer good with measurements over three feet accumulations. I myself am dreaming of a white Thanksgiving.

Colona man returns from Great Beyond

“It’s a mirror of this world. A bright, enchanted mirror. Everything is the opposite, a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no?  No more madness – No more twisted sense of self.”

These are the words of an adventurous Colona man who claims to have visited another world after this one and returned to tell about it. It’s no surprise that skeptics have emerged, frowning and scoffing at the very idea of astral travel or out-of-body encounters.

Ripple van Winkle claims that he spent two weekends “up in the clouds” where he met with good souls and bad ones in an attempt to document the existence of afterlife locales and resting places along the road to our final destination.

“I came back in early September to get a fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends” smiled van Winkle. “It’s been chilly in the Evermore. “I will depart tomorrow by clicking my heels together and then hurling myself off the Butter and Egg National Bank Building on the Wimpton Roundabout. There are still good seats left.”

Despite the old adage: You can sleep when you’re dead…van Winkle says the saved may not get much shut-eye. “It’s no picnic out there. Someone has to haul water, chop wood, do the dishes, feed the dog, mow the grass, trim the clouds and perform guard duty.

“My travels have not exposed the dystopian or the utopian but rather a place similar to earth without guilt, jealousy, greed or expectations,” he explained. “I have tattoos to prove my story.”

Van Winkle said we should prepare for the arrival of highly intelligent aliens and that many are already here on earth as well as Mars and Neptune. He then shocked the assemblage by then sharing a “Message from the heavens”:

Hold on tight little fleas – the big dog is shaking her booty and wagging her tail. Mother Nature’s stark increases in crude bodily functions such as stooping over, bad teeth, bad hygiene, limping, cursing, chronic sneezes, farting, grumpiness, coughing and spitting, vomiting, nervous ticks, stroke, heart, murmurs, sporadic tears, hair loss and way more. Better get your money, canned goods, ammo and water in your bunkers!

The episode is seen by many as the first credible instance of departure from and return to a verified metaphysical ball that is orbiting through space. Whether it corroborates or discounts popular beliefs on the subject is anyone’s guess.

Van Winkle, who has no known motive for making up stories, is nowhere to be found this morning. A search was called off at noon before it began.

– Susie Compost

Nature Conservancy To Purchase Africa

(Sawpit) In an attempt to reinvent Africa local environmentalists have announced the purchase of the dark continent. The closing took place in Nairobi this morning.

“We figured this is the only way to save the continent, plagued by disease, starvation and almost constant warfare,” said Muffy Hollandaise of the Nature Conservancy. “If Africans would only adopt our way of life they might be able to turn things around.”

Hollandaise, who admitted her knowledge of Africa was based on Tarzan movies, expressed surprise and muffled denial when it was suggested that most problems originated with European colonization in the latter 19th Century. The new landlords quickly began exploiting the vast mineral wealth and restructuring national boundaries based not on tribal considerations but rather to fit their own white agenda.

Some colonizers were inhumane. Most were harsh. None were benevolent

“We wanted to save the elephants and the rhinos from poachers, not to mention the mountain gorillas from the valley guerrillas,” added Hollandaise. “Many of the species there are endangered much like the African-American population on Colorado Avenue.”

The madness there today can be traced to that period of colonialism when that world was turned upside down. It is hoped that the purchase will allow residents there time to reflect on how better to employ resources, feed people and hammer out a lasting peace.

The price tag for the world’s second largest continent was not disclosed but one Placerville realtor, Hector Dusseldorf, told The Horseshoe that the commission “was substantial”.

-Uncle Pahgre

“Yerra mister, I wouldn’t start from here. Why don’t you go somewhere else before you try to get where your going.”

– common reply in Western Ireland when people ask for directions.