Author Archive for M. Toole
Congressional Flag Football to Feature Vampires and Zombies
(Warshington) Partisan legislators hit their respective locker rooms on Friday in apprehension of a noon kickoff. First to arrive were the Republican Vampires*, out for blood after a loss to the Democrat Zombies** in last year’s match.
“We’re out to avenge the wrongs perpetrated the last time we took the gloves off. We have firmed up our right flank and added a few new plays that we signed into law in the middle of the night when no one was looking,” said House Majority Leader, Mitch “Wimp” McConnell, starting tailback for the Vampires.
The Democrat Zombies*, arriving by mass transit to little fanfare, quickly assembled in the locker room to the left. Those claiming to be in the know say the squad will have a full repertoire of defensive alignments and a splendid receiving corps that has been sitting on its hands since shocking losses in 2016.
But just as the coin toss was about to go up and then come down somebody noticed the integral little pocket flags were not in attendance. They were not where they should be.
“They were here a moment ago,” someone said. “Where could they have gone?” said Neil M. Gorsuch, a Supreme Court appointee and one of the day’s referees. “They were in the crate with the backup footballs,” said a worried equipment specialist.
Neither team will wear helmets so that lobbyists can easily recognize who is who when the ball is snapped and thus measure the impact of campaign contributions on gamesmanship. Both will don plastic mouth guards that elevate the art of double-talk and protect those winning smiles.
A few more moments of embarrassed searching netted nothing. Murmurs of blame began arising with each side blaming the other side for the blunder.
“This was no oversight,” said Sen. Michael Bennett, a Zombie who, despite spending lots of time on the field has had little impact on national politics. “They don’t want to play us because they know we’ll beat them again,” he said, ducking a large Rocky Ford melon hurled by a fan, presumably unimpressed with his jargon.
Vampire Senator Cory Gardner, wiping raw rotten egg from his jersey, will handle water boy duties due to a bone spur problem that will keep him out of action, retorted by insisting the Zombies took the flag.
“We could just play with this Russian flag,” he offered. “Then we’ll see who is best on a level playing field. Gardner, who cannot catch or tackle, but is a dynamic force on the bench, missed 5 of the 6 practices due to responsibilities in Colorado’s fracking fields, where he counts money.
The game, played at the Lester Maddox-Malcolm X Sports Complex on the city’s rougher NE side each year, was decidedly tedious to watch last year with little action and lots of trash talking. Both sides blamed the other for the lack of scoring, with Zombies calling on Vampires to end the logjam and Vampires beating their chests chanting the parasitic slogan “Make America Bait Again!”
The play-by-play, scheduled to run simultaneously with movement in the chamber, was shelved last night because there has been little to no engagement since the Dubya Years. The business of the nation is not on today’s lineup card replaced by infighting, pettiness and greed on both sides of the gridiron.
The American people, not invited to the game so as to make more room for lobbyists, continue to support these tired old teams, although the experts suggest that many younger players will fill the ranks in the coming year.
Odd footnote: Donald Trump was not invited to the football game. A Zombie spokesperson quipped that maybe the president had a conflicting tee time for that date. Vampires say it was a simple oversight. GOP analysts contend that his absence had to due with “his keen sense of geography”. (He did not attend because the game was played in a neighborhood he does not frequent due to a predominantly Black population in an area yet to be pacified.)
“The absence of the Commander and Chief, while bankrupting the affair, allows for more orderly sidelines since the other players do not have to jockey for position and create space between themselves and what many see as a sacked tweeter.
“If a flag surfaces it will be interesting to see if the Vampires play in blinders or if the Zombies take advantage of opportunities not afforded them last year.
*Vampires – Those who prosper and feed on the blood of others. These are usually corpses that don’t realize they are dead. These ruthless leeches exit their graves in the night to bite the necks of the living. They suck the lifeblood then disappear into their crypts in the morning light.
** Zombies – Persons deemed sociopathic or a threat to a group were ostracized and sometimes disabled intellectually. They are sentenced to roam the earth in a dream-near-death, irrational state until they show themselves to be worthy of reunion with their people.
“It’s not the media’s job to lure Trumpists out of their cult, but rather, to inform and earn the trust of those open to learning about reality.”
– Jennifer Rubin, Washington Post 9/12/18
Ancient Horseshoe archives recovered
(Alexandria, Egypt) Artifacts exhumed near this city of 6 million suggest that the San Juan Horseshoe is older than the dirt in which it was hastily buried an estimated 3000 years ago. Who interred the remnants or why, is still as foggy as a balmy day in Newfoundland.
Dated at around 700 BC, the findings include circulation logs, pictures of dogs, layout apparatus, offset plates, glass plates, grid sheets, exacto-knives, scissors, a drawing table, a line art enlarger, glue, wax, steel rulers, rollers, and primitive cameras.
Newspapers replaced cumbersome tablets in Egypt by 1000 BC
In addition inside a carefully sealed vault are photos of a lineage of Pharaohs engaged in debauchery and mummies of disloyal advertisers. The content of this hidden vault may have resulted in the banning of the paper and the deportation of its staff during the Hellenistic Period and later with the ominous rise of Carthage.
The dig was conducted near the Temple of Serapis but the largest cache was delivered when archeologists stumbled over an engraved oak staff that was most likely used to encourage or punish pressmen and writers.
“That is just feet from our storied library,” said Abdule “Mickey” Svelte, from the University of the Nile. “In just an hour we were overwhelmed by the treasures just below the surface near the Mediterranean. The relics will be stored at the 15th Century Citadel of Quaitbay that is today a museum,” said Svelte.
Mummy exhumed from Horseshoe dig was most likely a disloyal advertiser, say historians, and not Alexander the Great, as has been the accepted position since the fall of Rome.
“Once we unearth these rarities we will bring in some heavier earth moving gear and get down to the subfloors and more remote tombs,” he continued. “Who knows what’s down there and what primordial curses our snooping will reawaken. Considering the status of current events in our country what could be worse?”
Unlike most digs there is no need for a security force to guard against grave robbers since nobody wants any of this booty.
Of interest on smudged pages is a story dated 702 BC about a man in Samalut who dove from the top of the Great Pyramid of Geezer into a Dixie cup of Nile River water. Another piece interviews cats that think they are gods. A pullout covering the finals of Nubian Polo held in 699 BC actually featured faded colors made from lotus plants and papyrus. At the end of the 8th Century BC the paper boasted a circulation of 10,000,000 in a nation of only around 5,000,000.
A sardonic editorial, slamming corruption amid the ruling class, graced the front of the last known publication.
– Paula Parvenue
Champion Fly Swatter in Town
(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin O’ Toole is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.
Toole’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.
Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during an interview with The Gunnison Times.
“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” said the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands.”
A bit jumpy, Toole sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.
– Rocky Flats
“The Maharaja of Gwalior killed over 1400 tigers in his lifetime and was the author of a work destined for a limited if select audience, “A Guide to Tiger Shooting.” – from Freedom at Midnight by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre.
Colorado beats Nebraska in Lincoln!
This could be the start of a wonderful football season. Watch out PAC-12
Catholic Church Adopts Wells Fargo PR Campaign
(Rome) The Vatican is about to unleash an aggressive ad campaign intending to spit and polish its tainted image after news of further sexual abuses on young children by priests in Pennsylvania.
The public relations attempts are closely modeled on an attempted cleansing by Wells Fargo Bank, a financial institution indicted for fraud and subsequently fined $185 million by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
The church appears perched to embrace the bank’s struggle to regain credibility began earlier this summer with the slogan “Earning back your trust – Our Recommitment to You” which pleads guilty as charged but promises to be good in the future.
“We are reinventing ourselves,” said a spokesman for the Vatican.
Will the ad campaigns sound like this?
Wells fargo – Established 1852 AD Reestablished 2018 – (Yes, we were crooks but forgive us and we’ll try to be honest the next go round.)
The Catholic Church: Established 1 AD Reestablished 2018.
Wells Fargo was indicted for creating fraudulent accounts without the consent of clients. The bank could face another $1 billion in fines over fraud that forced customers to purchase unnecessary car insurance during the scam to bilk people of their money.
The Catholic Church has lost credibility due to continued sexual assaults on children and the powerless people they are in theory suppose to be helping.
Both could face further civil and criminal suits. Wells Fargo answers to few while the Church answers to no one (unless maybe all the fear-mongering about Heaven and Hell jargon is actually true).
The concept of “earning back your trust” is a relative term since many worldwide would never consider trusting known predators like these…persons of trust, no?
Wells fargo had planned a campaign including an endorsement by preachers on the payroll but they dropped the idea because lawyers feared legal action. Same with Church – only they planned to bring in the Price of Darkness himself to scare their flocks back into submission.
The bank’s new Victim Account pays back lost funds but does little to protect people’s credit rating often lowered as a result of the fraud. It looks to be another whitewash. Meanwhile the Church has done little or nothing to correct the sins a longstanding predators. Will the betrayals and cover-ups continue?
Our team will continue to work to redeem itself and salvage the confidence of our designated flocks,” said an attorney working with both entities. “Trust may have gone out the window but in time people will forget and walk right through the front door again.”
One customer at Wells Fargo said it best: “I bank there because I like stage coaches.”
No convincing concern for victims. More sincere ad campaign might be Please excuse our sociopathic manner – We got caught but we’re trying to convince you that we are nice now.
Yes, life is good if you are on the top of the revolving egg.
These developments have left many of us wondering whether criminal deeds like these should prevent both of these institutions from doing business in the country at all.
What then is gained by dazzling the fool?
Wells Fargo has put on its dirty white hat and increased minimum wage paid to tellers and non-executive personnel. Will the Vatican share it’s immense wealth with the poor of the planet? Most likely not.
–Melvin Toolini
“I only drink to make others interesting.” – Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
