Author Archive for M. Toole
Santa Claus Canadian
(Ottowa) The red-clad warrior of Christmas has admitted his Canadian ancestry today much to the dismay of millions of fans south of the border in the United States. Humbug? In January?
“We are stunned,” said a spokesman for retailers here. “Why would he mislead us? Why would he impersonate himself in such a cruel way? Lock him up!”
For centuries Santa Claus was considered to be a product of the U.S. since his trademark image was created by people like Thomas Nast, Clarence Horning, Frank Leslie and Winslow Homer. Despite these presumptions the elf’s continued insistence that he reside at the brutal North Pole and his long association with Canada should have indicated a rat in the mix.
“People would prefer to gloss over the reality of a situation rather than consider all the possibilities,” said social scientist Margaret Swede of Cal Polygamy, a visiting scholar here. “Why do they think the Canadian kids always got their presents first? He’s been a rabid fan of the Maple Leafs since the first power play. He even goes to Blue Jay’s games. That in itself shows substantial instability.”
What this disclosure will do to Christmas down in the colonies is not known but former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has bravely offered to fill in until a new Santa is appointed, or the old one is exonerated.
“Santa has mislead us for too long,” continued Swede. “Even liberal academia will be slow to forgive him for this ruthless act.”
As an acting Canadian, Santa is also a subject of the crown (Britain) which may not go down well in Fenian circles.
“His mother was a Murphy,” added Swede, “ahh, but don’t they forget the ould sod when they make a few quid across the sea.”
The United States is expected to impose economic sanctions against the Commonwealth of Canada for harboring the bearded fraud.
– Suzie Compost
Sing Along With Mitch*
DISENGAGEMENT FROM A QUESTIONABLE MILITARY COMMITMENT?
LEAVING TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS ONE APPROACH.
To the tune of Bringing in the Sheaves
Selling out the Kurds
Sowing in the Mideast, sowing seeds of evil
Sowing in the moonlight shadows till the smoky end.
Waiting for the militants, and the time of weeping
We shall screw our allies, selling out the Kurds.
Refrain:
Selling out the Kurds, selling out the Kurds
Who shall watch Damascus ? Selling out the Kurds.
Selling out the Kurds, selling out he Kurds
Our one true friend in Syria, selling out the Kurds.
Sowing in the caliph, sowing in sand
Fools fear not ISIS, al Qaeda, or resurgent Taliban
By and by the struggle, the front line is absurd.
We shall be back stabbers, selling out the Kurds.
Going forth by reaping, sowing for the mullah
A promise made by dervish, our spirit’s broken words.
When the dead are buried no one bids us welcome
We shall come dishonored, selling out the Kurds.
Refrain
*Reference to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, and his kowtowing.
2nd reference to Mitch Miller and the Boys a choral-chorus popular in the 50s
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
We have grown tired of extending post-seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the extended holidays we will reach deep and try to delouse a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing on our December website regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste.
Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that they could be easily procured. With the prints somewhere out in cyberspace we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City “Holidays on the Rocks” and some color pictures of local cheerleaders hanging Christmas lights at our many private prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle their rum without incident. Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle ribs, Twinkies and swamp grass is fact. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian.
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are curtailed by executive privilege. We did not say that his immediate family was comprised of drug addicts, only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.
– Editor
Border Wall To Feature Trump Hotel
In what might be the most blatant example of a conflict of interest, President Trump today tweeted that he would build the newest Trump Hotel within his proposed border wall. The final drawings for the 400-room inn have been completed and, according to family members “will thrill pilgrims and sightseers alike with quasi-jaded magnificence and bulging veins of bad taste throughout.”
The exact spot of the hotel was not pinpointed but rumors suggest that Texas, the only solid red state along the Mexican border, has the inside track.
As most readers already know the controversial Trump-Mex Wall blueprint calls for strategic convenience stores, discount houses, an industrial laundry, beauty parlors, full service gasoline, and many fast food entities. According to Wake Up Donald FOX News analysts now running the White House, it may be the first of many.
“It will be fantastic,” tweeted what is left of Trump. “It will create millions of jobs. It will solve our immigration problems for decades. It will stretch from sea to shining sea.*”
Democrats rejected these facts saying that Trump’s history of bankruptcies and failure to pay sub-contractors is the bugaboo here. Reminding readers that Trump was born rich and did not create his own fortune they warn of a major fiasco in the Southwest.
These pretty-haired parrots turned power-loving hawks described a multi-star, lavish hotel amid a concrete deterrent brightly painted with lots of neon and free parking. Most of the retail outlets would be open 24 hours.
“We have commitments from the big box giants,” said Goldy Kushner, producer-developer of what many are calling a structural marvel. “Soon our walled strip mall will look like every small town and suburb in America.”
The problem is that the wall has yet to be financed or built. Congress won’t pay for it. Mexico won’t pay for it. Troops continue to patrol the stretch of land from the Pacific to the Mississippi. Persons seeking asylum continue to wait. Desperate refugees still try to sneak across. A woman sells tamales in the parking lot. A man hawks sunglasses on the bridge.
Tear gas and incompetence with a quick jutting look over the shoulder to see if a weak-minded base is paying attention.
Proponents say the economy will benefit once order has been reestablished. The flagship hotel is expected to bring in millions with a soft opening in March. Well-heeled guests include former White House staffers, Russian mobsters, sycophant Republicans, Saudi RVers and members of the extended family. Grandstands to accommodate another 7 million supporters will be constructed pool side.
“A line of retailers on Mexican side will feature US made goods while consumers on the US side could purchase all sorts of Mexican goods with no tariffs or worries about exchange rates,” said one anxious shopper. “They all accept credit cads.”
Right smack in the middle of everything, somewhere in southern New Mexico, a Trump Hotel will miraculously rise on the backs of former wetbacks. Amid the spray-painted art and thecolorado funny paperfamiliar slogans the Five-Star monstrosity will reign over the land.
“We’re not sure who will want to stay there,” said an unidentified White House chief of staff. “It won’t be the cruise set or the beach lovers and it certainly won’t be the immigrants.”
In a related development Mouse Speaker Nancy Pelosi is making good on an election promise to visit every American household by Valentine’s Day.
“Let’s all go where the big bears live,” said Pelosi who has popped in on almost 50 families since November.
Most liberals within the party did not comprehend the bruin reference nor do they approve of the house calls that they say are far too personal and set a bad precedence with voters.
– Pepper Salte
*Is from sea to shining sea is a calculated misuse of Manifest Destiny jingoism here? The proposed wall would stretch from sea to shining gulf but that doesn’t rhyme and won’t get the attention of a barely literate base bent on sound bytes and infantile slogans. If the telltale statement was based on geographical ignorance maybe someone should have given this Trump entity a map of the United States for Christmas instead of another red tie.
Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
Bass boat arrives at North Pole
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
Santa during off-season. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked.“
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a polar bear? in Lifestyles On Ice
HOLIDAY HOROSCOPE
Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial late night psychics in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some mere mortal can tell the future after shuffling cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead try perusing the following batter bowl of star-gazer pastry.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your birthday will be ignored again this year with all the Christmas hype. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the mistletoe. This can be good or bad depending on the quality of the holiday crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head until March. You would be very vulnerable to losing money this month except that you have none to lose. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. In-laws expected over the holidays? Give them your bed and book passage on a flight to South America.
AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)
If you insist on fishing for compliments use your best line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Your snow tires could be under a lot of pressure this month. Try a little understanding even if the elves fly off the handle once too often. Yes, Santa Claus…there is a Virginia and you owe about $300 in overdue parking fines there. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlepp at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and schlocky Christmas cards altogether. Tonight: Whittle till you puke.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Spawning in the wrong circles could be curtains for little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the weather breaks. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. When the spoils of salvage include reindeer jerky get the sleigh taste out of the meat before drying it. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage does not become academic/tedious/mundane/. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the holidays. It will either confuse and/or impress. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. In order to relieve the stress of all this shopping be sure to stop at your local tavern before heading home to pass out and/or wrap your treasures. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option at family gatherings. Tonight: Take a THC break.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Your creativity is at a high point. Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you brush your teeth afterwards. There are days when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try and other days when everything goes right even though you don’t try at all. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon then check the mail for goodies. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Check all brightly wrapped gift baskets for subtle ticking noises. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. If the sun is reluctant to shine down on you try adjusting blinders. Many doors will open for you this month letting in little more than an annoying draft. Tonight: Swoon.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Hate Christmas? You’ve been in excellent company over the years. Hitler disliked the holiday so much that he took Paris. Oliver Cromwell and John Chivington pouted through the entire season while General Sherman wouldn’t even let his men have trees in their tents. The Puritans levied a fine for celebrating the secular holiday. Joe Stalin outlawed mistletoe in the Ukraine because the peasants were turning it into borscht. Charlie Manson wouldn’t buy presents until December 26. We can’t think of any female scrooges this time around. Avoid carolers. Brick up your chimney. Somehow, even with your rotten spirit, the whole event will still cost you money. Enjoy.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Changing tires on a tiny sleigh is no easy matter. Give yourself a little credit for what you have already accomplished. A little humor could break the ice with strangers while out angling on the frozen lakes of desperation. Get to know other fruitcakes this holiday season. A overweight elf will fight you for your favorite bar stool. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. Many on your team are posers. Your favorite aunt/uncle is coming for a visit. Keep them away from your favorite husband/wife.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Satisfy sadistic tendencies by leaving Santa chocolate doughnuts, grapefruit juice and salsa on Christmas Eve. Speak clearly when using other people’s credit cards over the phone. The best time for dieting is next year. The best time for romance was last year. The best offense is a good pretense. Don’t feel bad if your presents were less than expected. Late arrivals in this arena could be the best ones and after all, the mail is slow over the holidays. Without an agenda you could get caught without an agenda. Punch out an elf before retiring for the evening. Tonight: Spend time with reclusive pariahs.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Maybe Santa Claus doesn’t believe in you either. Buy yourself an expensive Christmas present and tag it “from a secret admirer”. This may generate a bit of jealous lust on the part of your sleepy mate. Do not produce the note in your own handwriting. Offers to play Santa do not necessarily reflect your jolly nature or jovial personality. It’s just hard to find warm bodies out there that are shaped correctly. It’s high time you lost a few pounds since you can’t really walk around wearing the red suit in January. Go Caroling as long as she is paying. Eat more fruitcake.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)
Your competitive nature could get you in hot water over the Christmas season. Let the traditional characters have the limelight for a change. When at the grocery be on the lookout for that rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice from checkouts or a casual brush back pitch from cartoons on the boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in post-holiday soirees. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Tonight: It’s gonna get dark again.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
All this targeted good humor and charisma is getting old. Try the scrooge approach and people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas. In January you can then make up for the dirty business of late December. Open doors, aluminum cans, refrigerators, windows, minds, charge accounts, wallets and champagne carefully through the holiday season. A rare Yuletide lunar eclipse could put you face-down in the fruitcake can of upward mobility. Avoid button-up flies and bees in the bonnet. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
