Author Archive for M. Toole
SANTA TO MEET WITH COAL MINES
(Paonia) Santa Clause is scheduled to meet this week with coal mine executives to hammer out a deal for next year’s Christmas coal. The demand for the black stuff, which is often used to fill stockings on Christmas Eve, has reached an all time high and has no end in sight so far as anyone can tell.
The head elf says he plans to trade 60 of his finest elves in exchange for “rock bottom” considerations.
“It’s a great deal for the mines. The elves are tireless workers and eat very little. With toy production at an all time low at the North Pole in January the little buggers are just standing around looking for something to do,” he said. .
Santa claims that many children world-wide are seen being naughty day and night . Pinching, kicking, slapping, punching, throwing fits, stealing, lying, cheating on tests, swearing, breaking things, sassing back, spitting, sneaking out at night, not sharing, feeding the dog under the table, disrespecting elders, defacing public property manufacturing bombs and paraphernalia, and acting like spoiled rotten brats has contributed to the colossal amount of coal needed to send a message this Christmas 2018.
“Last year I delivered a thousands of sleigh loads of coal and this year I’m estimating upwards of millions,” frowned Santa.
When asked to elaborate as to the root of the problem with children these days Santa simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “Seems to me that it’s a combination consumerism, not enough sleep, improper diet, lack of discipline, and not enough fresh air.”
Jolly Old Saint Nick is due to arrive on Thursday. If negotiations go well he will host a lap sitting session for those who missed it in December..
– Lady Jane
Antiguos druidas veneran bayas de muérdago
(Irlanda) Si alguna vez has vagado por los bosques de Irlanda, no puedes evitar tropezar con el muérdago. Crece en todas partes. Sorprendentemente, cuando el resto del verde está en hibernación, la planta del muérdago continúa produciendo bayas durante todo el invierno.
Los médicos-sacerdotes druidas consideraban que las bayas eran caras por sus beneficios medicinales y muy probablemente en la prevención de la concepción. Las bayas contienen altas concentraciones de progesterona (rimas con testosterona) que estimulan la libido.
Parafrasearemos lo que pudo haber ocurrido después, según lo teorizado por el Dr. John Lee, autor de Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Notable Hormone.
Aquí está el escenario: durante muchos siglos, los druidas patrocinaron un festival del solsticio de invierno que, según nuestro calendario, cayó el 22 o el 23 de diciembre. El evento, que duró una semana, tuvo como objetivo evitar que el sol desapareciera por completo del cielo. (Los paganos también estaban tensos con respecto a las cosas, especialmente el dios sol tomando polvo).
La celebración se llevó a cabo para que la primavera volviera algún día y el mundo no muriera. Katy, abre la puerta! Se pagaron las deudas, se intercambiaron regalos y se presentaron fiestas. Además, abundaba una mezcla sagrada de aguamiel caliente atada con bayas de muérdago. ¿Qué? No Guinness?
Una vez que comenzó la fiesta, la influencia del alcohol caliente y la progesterona ayudaron a que todos se relajaran y se conocieran mejor.
La medicina moderna reconoce el hecho de que el desprendimiento de la menstruación es el resultado de una caída abrupta de progesterona, que sin duda ocurrió después de que terminó la semana de la convulsión celta.
Por lo tanto, cualquier concepción que tuvo lugar durante la semana de relaciones sexuales sin restricciones se perdería en el flujo inducido. Además de permitir a los participantes el acceso a la licencia sexual primitiva, la fiesta del solsticio reforzó la percepción de que el sexo festivo sin responsabilidad posterior era simplemente otro regalo de los dioses. Suficientemente simple.
Con el inicio del nuevo año todo volvió a la normalidad. Y pensaste que habías estado en algunas fiestas … Feliz Navidad, Feliz Hanukkah y Feliz Solsticio. Muérdago bayas y aguamiel
Trump Clobbers Lame Duck With Nine Iron
(Mar de Mars) President for now Donald Trump used a nine-iron on a bothersome lame duck Friday on the 16th hole at his golf corpse here. The duck reportedly laughed at his backswing and the Commander in Chief flew into action repeatedly whacking the quacking bird with his golf club.
It was not clear if the injured duck was of the Peking variety.
Trump, as has been the case recently, played alone with even the regular Republican sycophants avoiding him. Several challenging holes were restricted due to a pending government shutdown that sent greens keepers home without pay.
Angry onlookers rescued the lame duck and brought it to a local veterinarian’s office where it is expected to survive the impulsive attack. One fed-up golfer even cornered the President and lectured him on evangelistic climate change while describing the daily routine life in a federal prison cell.
That Huckabee woman, acting as pending press secretary said the President had every right to strike the duck that was no doubt a feathered immigrant. They said that the mallard pest deserved what he got and since the animal was no longer protected under the Endangered Species Act it was fair game.
“Our leader is no pigeon. He’s tough to the bone,” she stressed. “He stands up to protect America from these kind of terrorist episodes.”
One Trump critic suggested that Trump should be tougher on Russians, White Supremacists, Saudis, bloodthirsty dictators and his immediate family.
A local newspaper defended Trump a la tongue-in-cheek:
“It takes a brave man to do what our President did while under duress,” said an editorial in The Capitol City Poultry Examiner. “His courage is without comparison.”
The Lame Duck along with the Squatting Heifer, the Flint Water Muskrat, the Palomino Kingfisher and most of the fish in both oceans were dropped from the protected status by Trump during his first few hours in office. This action raised eyebrows and started people chatting about unnatural science and the priorities of a self-consuming business agenda.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was perhaps the harshest critic saying “the unprovoked assault on a duck made Trump look like the turkey that he has become.”
After sinking a four-foot putt on number 18 Trump said he didn’t care what the majority of Americans thought of him so long as his base continued to “slurp the pabulum”.
The President will attend a January White Sale rally in West Palm Beach before returning to Washington on Friday.
Temporada de duendes Se espera que tenga un gran impacto
(Gunnison) Se espera que la temporada de elfos de 2004 lleve a más de 5000 cazadores a la cuenca de Gunnison durante las dos semanas de Navidad. A pesar de los conflictos por las licencias y el acceso a las áreas de caza tradicionales, se espera que la caza tenga un gran impacto económico. Los ingresos recaudados podrían saltar a millones de personas, lo que permitirá a los residentes dinero extra con el que vivirlo o tal vez un escape a climas más cálidos durante el invierno.
Tanto el Tesoro de Colorado como el IRS les recuerdan a los comerciantes que no están obligados a reportar ganancias relacionadas con los elfos ya que no hay pruebas de que realmente existan. ¡Las dos agencias fiscales pasaron a desearles a todos una Feliz Navidad!
Christmas Planned Again for 2019
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding, it appears that consumers will again experience the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Halloween or Valentine’s Day, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘20. “We fully realize that these holidays are important but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“Yes, flowers and candy generate substantial dollars, but that figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”
Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle Toole, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2018.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than it was back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids put the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Toole added that Christmas ’19 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al Kahall
Merry Christmas to the people of of Jardin, Antioquia, Colombia
Inspirational art from The Christmas Dream of the Nattering Nabobs by David Mullings, air-brushed acyclic on galvanized steel. Medellin School of Mimes and Tragos.
