Author Archive for M. Toole
A Question of Mental Health
(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)
21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.
Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.
21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.
Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?
21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.
Nurse: That’s what they all say.
21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…
(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)
Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.
21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?
Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?
21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.
Nurse: Can you document it?
21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.
Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?
21st: But I am really nuts!
Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?
21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?
Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.
21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.
Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?
21st: No
Nurse: Do you have insurance.
21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.
Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.
21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.
CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
Cutoff Looms on Celebrity Apps
(Telluride) The final deadline for Western Colorado residents to apply for documented celebrity posture (DCP) has been pushed back to November 15 according to persons familiar with the annual event.
Persons who might believe they are worthy of such status must complete all forms, some quite tedious and challenging, to be considered for the final awards sometime in December for 2026 honors. A one-year reign as a celebrity kahunas or VIPs.
Finalists must present clear evidence that they would conduct themselves properly so as to reflect a perfect fit in the royal dominion.
“It’s a winner-take-all proposition with no half-way celebrities and no wait-until-next-year whining,” said Royal Sashe, founding member of DCP. “Losers go home. Winners get a year as a full- blown celebrity.
“Many will go on to lead happy lives while some will be driven mad by what they see as vindictive favoritism and a blatant obsession with ugly curtain-call tribalism and bloody backstage vendettas,” she choked.
Malcontents and others who have no prayer of ever becoming a celebrity say the competition is rigged. Some say no one deserves megastar notoriety while adversaries contend that they are fools saying that everyone on the planet is a celebrity in the prestigious sense of the word itself.
Bean counters warn that there are already an overabundance of celebrities in the region, accented by thousands more hoping to ascend to that luminary recognition. They further asserted that no cash prize would be included in the committee’s unquestioned integrity and unwavering rectitude.
– Gabby Haze
BEER TRUCKS IN FENDER BENDER
Local council declares a bank holiday so locals get to slurp.
(Montrose) Two large semis filled with cold beer collided today in a minor accident at the corner of Main and Townsend here. The trucks spewed some 2300 gallons of the hoppy nectar up and down the street.
“It was a living hell,” said one unnamed bar patron, who had only minutes ago left LeCave for an afternoon walk.
At the high point there was an estimated four foot wall of beer charging down Main Street toward City Hall. Fortunately, a contingent of courageous local citizens was there to turn it back.
“For a while there it looked like we were going to be overrun,” burped another anonymous source.
Officers on the scene, unable to determine fault, called the wreck a draw as city crews began the final mop up.
The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945, when a turboprop henway, caught in a hail storm, inadvertently dropped some 30 bags of gold dust onto the town. Luckily there were no direct hits and no injuries. The gold was never recovered. Authorities believe it is still somewhere between Hadley’s, the Stockmen’s Cafe and the Chipeta Hotel Bar. Anyone with information about the whereabouts of the loot is asked to call Crime Stoppers after happy hour.
-Pepper Salte
TURN YOUR TV INTO AN ICE RINK THIS WINTER!
Sports Fans! Get yours before the 2025 season and save $$$$. In just a few short days your big screen will be magically transformed into a fully functional replica ice hockey rink.
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TV screen cover for hockey enthusiasts who like to crash the boards, haunt to the penalty box, plow into goalies, and check other viewers. Made of super duty plastic and puck-free face and shoulder armament. Audio and shaved ice slightly more.
No power plays or hidden costs with this transaction as we are transparent as ice.
Summer Special: Buy now and receive a multiple use Pickle Ball/Home Run Derby overlay for fun over the off-season.
Puck Bunnies and Goal Sucks Ltd. Boreal Forest Acres, Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Components backordered. Aggregates forthcoming. AKA: Hat Tricks Up Our Sleeves, Toronto and Winnipeg.
WORLD IS FLAT SAYS KANSAS EVANGELIST
(Dodge City) An often respected television evangelist, Reverend Philip “Phil” Pharisee, has shocked his flock by declaring that the world is flat. The announcement came in the middle of a sermon delivered at Church of the Undivided Plain in nearby Spearville. Pharisee remarked that it is refreshing to see ancient articles of his well-watered imagination backed up by physical law for a change. He added that any fool, even a secular humanist, only need look out of his window to know the real truth.
Pharisee, a major proponent of secession in Southwest Kansas, went on to add that the entire concept of Columbus discovering America was nothing but a cheap real estate scam.
“If he really discovered America why won’t he return my phone calls!” shouted Pharisee, working up quite a sweat by now. “If you cynics out there don’t believe me you can read it for yourself as soon as somebody gets his ducks in a row over at UPI!” he warbled.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
Coor’s rightfield to be seeded in alfalfa, sorghum
(Blake Street) What used to be a keystone right field, ripe with problems, is now producing bountiful harvests according to the Rockies’ agricultural consultants. In addition to habitat for wildlife, these experts expect to grow corn in the upper deck and rice down in the infild by 2027…all without influencing play.
“We’re expecting multiple yields as early as next fall,” said a spokesman for the cellar-dweller National League franchise. That’s batting .1000 in my book!” he smiled. The terraced and flat regions of right field boast contour patterns while the rows are perfectly symmetrical like pin stripes on a crisp new uniform. It’s simple crop rotation, like a pitching rotation, only we actually keep the best players so as to build a team.”
The above source went on to say that the Rockies hope to grow organic players like the Dodgers and Yankees. At present the ledger sheet does all the talking with the wealthier concerns like the Cubs and Red Sox spending way more money on free agents, especially at trade deadlines, than the Rockies have in the bank. In short without parity the wealthier teams are in the driver’s seat, harvesting at will, applying exotic fertilizer on a whim.
“The Dodgers, Giants and Yankees even have a minor league farm system training thr next generation of tarpolan pushers, ushers and beer salesmaen,” continued the source. “We just as well plant corn and onions out in left field too.”
Erosion, a plague on most farming operations, has already been addressed at Coors by applying the rules of maximum density and efficiency even in the dugout where small terrariums and vegetable plots abound.
Many local experts feel that an occasional crop circle could motivate behavior at the plate. The choice of crops strongly signifies past problems and a driving desire to set things right after several successful seasons years ago.
One cherished grounds crew highlight will remain with a full-contact irrigation display in the 7th inning stretch, backed up by an assortment of patriotic anthems. Team executives hope that they can begin serving alfalfa IPAs and sorghum-based nachos by 2027.
