Author Archive for M. Toole

Duendes con boca de inodoro que se ríen a carcajadas

Elfos sarnosos, aburridos y ociosos por su miserable existencia, se han convertido claramente en una amenaza para la temporada navideña. Armados con sus características bocas sucias, enanos musculosos han estado irrumpiendo en las fiestas navideñas bajo la apariencia de ayudantes oficiales desde principios de mes.

Ahora que han terminado la mayoría de sus deberes navideños, los pequeños rufianes llegan en grandes filas, decididos a causar problemas.

Las autoridades temen que los elfos se centren en las fiestas de Nochevieja, donde a menudo se sirve alcohol en abundancia, una fórmula para el desastre potencial. El año pasado, la policía local solo reportó algunos altercados durante la noche (los elfos se agachan bien), pero arrestaron a unos 35 de estos pequeños por ebriedad retardada en desayunadores, el supermercado local y en diversas acequias el día de Año Nuevo.

REINDEER NOT ALWAYS HAPPY ON YULE

It has long been a human trait to take for granted that, although the wheels have long since fallen off our own wagons, everyone else is doing just fine. If you are a reindeer at Christmas, it’s all but a given that things are looking up. Surely, as one of Santa’s anointed eight, the laborious joys of the solstice would establish peace and harmony. Maybe not. Let’s eavesdrop on a little soul searching, compliments of Blitzen, a veteran point man in Santa’s annual entourage. Nobody knows the trouble he’s seen. Here’s Blitzen:

     Damn. Another cold night out here fooling with these reins. I wish the fat boy would spring for new tack this Christmas but he’ll probably settle for carrots and green apples like last year. Where in all of creation did he read that reindeer like that sort of thing. What we need out there in the dark is a cup of rum and eggnog. Where’s Donner? She was supposed to be back from the hardware store an hour ago.

     Legend tells it that we beasts of burden are happy pursuing a life of service to this obsessed elf in a red suit. That’s history for you. The winners write it down and the losers suffer from cold feet. I’m so tired of little kids with dreamy eyes waiting by the chimney while we’re up on the roof freezing, our hooves slipping. How many people still use fireplaces? Don’t they know wood smoke pollutes the ozone? Why can’t they hold Christmas in July like all those greedy furniture stores?

     If I hear that carol one more time I’m gonna puke. Can’t someone play something a little more progressive. Hell, I’ll even take Elvis or Brenda Lee over this syrupy saga that Santa pumps out over the loud speakers. Maybe he’d lighten up if we could get the internet at the North Pole. WiFi rarely works in the snow.  I think they can’t make any money up here what with polar bears, codfish and crazy elves with those pointy red noses.

     And speaking or red noses the old lady, Mrs. Claus, has been flown down to Canada for another round of rehab. I can’t blame the woman for hitting the bottle. You try living with a benevolent elf that can’t afford a second suit of clothes but insists on giving away the farm every December 24. I don’t mean to be bitter but everyone has his limit.

     And then there’s the favorite son, Rudolph. Before some flatlander came up with the song, you know, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, there was parity, solidarity in this job. Now we have the privileged one and a host of extras. It’s not like we’re in it for the notoriety, or that most of us care. We just want to finish our jobs and get back down to Greenland for winter carnival. It’s tough enough to find a suitable mate in the Arctic but try it up here where we’re up to our butts in blizzards and sleigh bells.

     He hates to be called Rudy. Rudy…Rudy…more Rudy. Hey, you don’t sign my pay check, you pompous flit. Where did you get that red nose from anyway? At least Mrs. Claus drinks out in the open.

     After all these years I’m still fifth man on a string of idiots. When I first started this gig I figured I’d be into management by now. In fact I was promised a promotion following the Christmas of ’02, or was it ’04? The years all blend together when you’re working on the chain gang here in the Great North. Maybe this year Prancer and Cupid will brush their teeth before we go out on our journey. Maybe Dasher will bring a map and Vixen will wear those  naughty red tights again. I still think Dancer swiped my flask somewhere over Scotland iback in 2024.

     Sure, we could have joined the herd union but then we’d have to go to all those smoky meetings with burned-out antelopes, arrogant zebras and yoked oxen. I’d rather sit through one of the fat boy’s sermons. At least he provides health insurance. Oh, here comes Donner, back from the hardware store. I hope she got the right…what? A package in gold with red ribbon? Under the tree in the stable? My name on it? Who…are you pulling my leg. If you are I’ll…we all got presents?

     I’ll bet it’s a new collar, or some dry boots or maybe some decoration for my antlers. And a present from Comet? Another from Prancer? A card from Vixen? They shouldn’t have. I thought we agreed not to buy presents anymore. I thought I’d been forgotten.

     Even Donner got a pile of presents and she’s only been with us for a little over a century. Christmas morning will be quite the festive occasion this year but I’d better get busy. Maybe I’ll buy us all Christmas dinner or a spring trip to Antarctica for the penguin races. Maybe I’d better go to town. I know what all the reindeer want. I’ve heard them talking and it is far better to give than receive but combined the action is dynamite. Dasher wants a basketball and Cupid a cell phone. I’ll get Santa new underwear and Donner a nightcap. And, speaking of nightcaps I know what I’ll buy Mrs. Claus too. What the hell she deserves to make merry before another seasonal  brush with temperance. Hospitals can be so dreary in January. It’s only a few days away. I love this time of the year.

LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED

(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 21.

     The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them.

     A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.

     If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 99-cent stamps for April Fools.     

-Gabby Haze

RATING THE HOLIDAY MUSTARDS

For decades good mustard has been synonymous with the holidays. In keeping with the desire to present pertinent feature material, crossed with slow news days, the Horseshoe has spent hours and dollars in an attempt to concoct a roster of functional mustards for glazes, sandwiches and salads. One for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas. How nice. Save this handy article to go with the Rating the Ketchups in our January issue. Warning: Mustards are meant to be enjoyed with a variety of foods and this article in no way condones substance abuse by the spoonful. Mustard plasters are covered in our Medicine on the March page later in this issue.

1. Plochman’s Premium – A delightful blend of whatever they’ve put in the jar. Low in chemicals yet lacking in fiber. Mildly exotic texture. Dances in your mouth. Direct from the Mosel-Saar-Ruwar region near Milwaukee. The finest sipping mustard in the world, in our opinion. Open the lid and let it breathe. May have low cholesterol too. Not suggested for use with other stimulants.

2. Maille Dijon – Light, chilly, not too serious with a special zest that cries out from inside the refrigerator. Great quaffing blend of complexity and spirit. Who told you that all the great mustards come from France? Best with sausage, onions and kraut, or for a special surprise pour over vanilla ice cream. Comes in glass jar and convenient spray dispenser.

3. Sierra Nevada – A young mustard. Exhibits enough character to serve with food or enough charm simply to drink on its own. Very flinty, often nosy. Slightly fizzy. Zesty herb, kimono or mesquite are just a few of the flavors available. Suited for higher altitudes. Freeze-dried for an end to soggy bread. Promotes regularity.

4. Westbrae Natural – Crisp, citrusy, somewhat earthy. Great with Portuguese foods. We like to take a jar out mushroom hunting in the summer or as part of our winter survival kit (not recommended for goat skins). Delicious with poached salmon or elk. Clears stuffy noses, sneezing and itchy eyes. Prescription only. Ask your doctor.

5. Grey Poupon – The overrated classic holds its own in this lineup. Eat it and you’ll feel rich? What does mustard choice have to do with net worth? An asset on any table. Goes especially nice with either the Louis XII or an orange crate. Makes tantalizing sauce on pet foods too. Visit web site at www.squirt.com. Dig trendy? This is the spread for you

6. Mady’s Old Tyme – The Pinot Gris of mustards. Perfect with goat cheese, black olives, pesto, walnuts and lemon wedges. Relish its ripeness with a touch of curry. Gives a lift to dips! Earn bonus miles with purchase. (See label inside jar). Popular with tattoo artists and wallpaper designers. Rare cases of overeating result in tooth discoloration and slight fever.

7. New Organics – Made from volcanic debris with a splash of white Riesling. Fruity and fresh, yet dry. Perfect with seafood, especially if it’s turned just a bit. Big enough to stand up to saltier dishes like squid and octopus. Mustard greens are not fed hormones during growth. Reminiscent of the ball park with just a touch of grapefruit and tart green apples thrown in.

8. McCaffrey’s – He can catch a pass but will the mustard hold up under the blitz? Why do wealthy athletes feel the need to diversify and increase their profits on products as unlikely as mustard? Maybe it resulted from a test marketing case at Stanford. Blue collar mustard. An over achiever to be sure. Great hands.

9. Beaver– Direct from Oregon, the mustard capital of North America (and they don’t use the stuff much in Mexico). Great with grilled vegetables or hamburgers. Doused with virgin olive oil for those steamy winter nights! Recommended by Martha Stewart or someone who looks like her. Rustic. Makes a thoughtful stocking stuffer throughout the year!

10. Mister Mustard – Try some with Jello or Waldorf Salad. Even though you’re probably a bit skeptical spread it on sheets and pillow cases for a midwinter night’s dream. Antibacterial. Kills viruses, bacteria, mold and mildew on cheap hot dogs. Eliminates odors. Turns even paper products and discarded dairy cartons into a hearty meal. Yellow or brown to match your outfit.

11. French’s – Even the label reads like a corporate memo. If you like brand names and the mundane pick up a jar of this stuff. It tastes like all of the rest of the foods mass produced under this recognizable name. We suggest the complete avoidance of yellow mustard anyway. A drop of industrial glue in the recipe holds sandwiches together for an eternity.

12. Kraft – Owned by tobacco company and tastes like it. Bargain basement experience at just about the same prices as the more erotic types. Have you tried the separately wrapped cheese product slices? How about the cardboard macaroni and cheese? Thanks to abundance of chemicals this stuff will last for up to three years in the cupboard or chilled in the ice box.

– Uncle Pahgre

Shoot Back, on shelves for holidays

(Rifle, CO) The authentic, real war video, Shoot Back, that bleeds real blood and returns real fire when confronted, is about to be released locally according to unreliable sources in Glenwood Springs. The controversial product, which was originally created to teach users respect for weapons and a disdain for war, is a video game on track to easily squash the already tight violence competition for Christmas.

     Despite early praise for the interactive video, the deadeye National Rifle Association appears to have blinked, with the official endorsement of the video delayed until more data can be compiled. The NRA, usually an avid supporter of anything that shoots or blows up, is concerned that the new arrangement is a threat to its powder finger legions.

     “If people start figuring out that firearms are not just a one-way-street we may start losing out grassroots supporters,” said a spokesman for the gun lobby. “Our agenda is not compatible with placing our allies in a crossfire. Yes, we want control, but not gun control.”

     Critics of the NRA say that organization is pompous, self-serving and one-dimensional.

     “Easy access to guns, stumblebum mental health and murderous video games are welded together,” said one weapons-control advocate. “Until we face up to all of the root problems related to these issues, we have nothing. The NRA is not helping the situation by creating paranoia and pointing the finger at anyone who happens to disagree with its philosophy. Why don’t they just come out and say, “Guns are great if you are the one behind the trigger. If you are at the other end of the things, it may not be great at all.”

     Plenty of new users have complained of gunshot wounds as a result of playing Shoot Back. Although no deaths have yet been reported one can only expect the game will turn fatal with more play during the holidays.

     “We are increasingly appalled at the disregard for human life currently displayed with “entertainment” of this type,” said a guidance counselor at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High School here. “If you think guns are the optimum source of violence within the adolescent population, think again.”

     “Part of the problem is that we do not like each other in this country,” said the source. “We have no respect for anyone, including ourselves. We all know what makes a good person and we know we aren’t good people.”     

     Another glowing ember in this wild fire is that parents, if they are involved in the lives of their children at all, are not only chronically in denial that their child is twisted by all of this senseless destruction but all too willing to accept violence and anti-social behavior as part of the American culture, like Wal-Mart, fast food, twist-off caps and poodle deposits on your designer footwear.

     According to social scientists, video game players who continually see digital death and special effect violence on their cell phones will begin to see human suffering as a game too, a game that they can embrace or ignore just by pushing a button. It’s a game where nobody really gets hurt, or do they? When I point a weapon at someone and pull the trigger, they won’t really get injured, or will they?

– Dinty Moore

PRE-DAWN RAID ON POLE NETS NADA

Feds Trail Sleigh During Historic Trek

(North Pole) A combined alphabet operation by the FBI, CIA, ICE, OSHA, ATF and the FDA has produced little according to a report filed at the Star Wars Defense Center on Ellesmere Island.

According to unreliable sources, when the immense contingent of feds arrived they found the place pretty much deserted.

     “It looked like the terrorists had been making toys and the like for some time here,” said Agent Arthur Rambeau, of the FBI. “They thought they were outside the long arm of the law, didn’t they…Ha! Sooner or later they had to know that we’d corner them!”

     The pre-dawn raid aimed at trapping elves suspected of harboring dangerous un-American thought, was concocted by nervous elements of the Shadow Government anxious to get the show on the road. It was approved on fairway number seven by the lame duck White House.

     “There’s nothing red, white and blue about myths like Santa and the elves. It’s a negative distraction at a time when we seek to return the United States to Cold War status when gas was cheap and people believed in their elected officials,” said Rambeau. Santa has been a thorn in our boots since my grandmother was a boy, he frowned.

Rambeau, who sucks lemons like Mussolini and eats fried potatoes before going into battle just like Napolean did, says there is conclusive proof that Santa is Canadian and that many of his helpers are members of the Communist Party.

    Meanwhile the acronymic assault was organized in the Northwest Territories where only polar bears and seals have eyes and ears. It was supported by combined elements of the United States military, which were told they were fighting the war on drugs, although nothing, with the possible exception of walrus fur, thrives up here.

     According to the official report, completed moments after initial contact was confirmed, indications were that the primary objective was secure and that a stubborn rear guard of elves was in custody. As it turns out a heavily armed Ms. (Sandra) Claus and a skeleton crew of exhausted elves with slingshots had managed to hold off the feds for about three days before running out of Cuban rum and capitulating.

     “The scene here is sketchy what with all the snow,” said the agent. “I can confirm that we have about ten insurgents under lock and key but that we too are out of provisions.”

     The date for the raid was based on information that Santa and his elves would not leave the premises until December 24 to make their annual round-the -world jaunt. However, with the increase in population, global warming, airline agendas and the unstable political climate here, the group departed early.

     “We knew that Santa was on the hot seat, facing a vote of confidence in the elfin legislature,” said Rambeau. He was probably more secure out of the country than in it. Remember the Orange Wonder’s sudden interest in foreign diplomacy in the wake of the Jeffery Epstein scandal? Damn. We wanted to catch him (Santa) with is knickers down.”

     Conjecture has it that Santa has been repeatedly seen in the company of buxom Lulu Boomer, an exotic dancer from Churchill, Manitoba, despite the comforts of holy matrimony. Federal spooks had hoped they could link Santa, a fallen away Canadian, with a promiscuous lifestyle above the Arctic Circle. Locals say Boomer is hot enough to mlelt the icebergs if there still are any.

     “Who’s going to allow their kids to sit on the lap of an adulterer, or worse a man who is just a little left of Pyongyang,” asked Rambeau. “We’ve been going through Santa’s trash since earlier this evening and we’ve found letters from little kids in Iraq and Cuba, as well as North Korea. We even found a letter from a kid in Serbia asking for a bicycle…Now what does she intend to do with that? These are rogue nations undeserving of Christmas presents!” he pouted.

     “They hate America,” she said, fondling her red tie.

     As soon as the situation is in hand here, the FBI and CIA will begin trailing Santa and his reindeer in hopes of cutting them off from illegal destinations like Havana and Baghdad. It is not known if these actions will undermine attempts by the North Pole to adopt U.S. currency by 2027.

– Small Mouth Bess