Author Archive for M. Toole
Horseshoe Denies Endorsement Rumors, Will Protect Sources
(Fruita) General Kashmir Horseshoe vehemently denied reports that his editorial staff planned to endorse a ticket comprised of the late Archduke Ferdinand for President and Apple Annie Peach as Vice President of the United States in November of 2028. These candidates, representing the hopes and dreams of the Silly Old Bosnia Party of Sarajevo, have been the house guests of the publisher since March, leading to an assortment of speculations. Sources at the city desk also denied the rumors, writing them off as utter nonsense.
“Anyone with a lick of sense can see through all of this,” said one under-editor. “We remain firm in our policy not to endorses any candidate or candidates until well after the election.”
The Horseshoe remains defiant in its refusal to identify sources of news on the website sanjuanhorseshoe.com. Saying that anyone participating in growing the news deserves privacy and protection from legal action and harrassment. The satirical watchdog then highlighted a growing list of its efforts in response to yet another gov’ment demand for transparency.
“We will strive to protect our sacred freedoms and will continue providing the full spectrum of news and capsuled comment from both sides. These First-Amedndment safeguards include writers, amateur film makers, judges, eye witnesses, pollsters, whistle blowers, political eccentrics and experts voicing unpopular projections.
These courageous souls, whether real or imagined, will exercise the right to speak up, relying on this redoubt from corporate and gov’ment strong-arming. Corroborating sources will enjoy hayseed lawyers, backwater promontories and a complimentary continental breakfast as well as highly technical, quite modern methods of promoting free speech in the face on mindless tyranny. Humor works better than bulllets but only up to a point, he said.”
Bright stars at the website called the Horseshoe’s often mulish lack of compliance “one of baseline brinks on the cusp of a new world threashold that advances the agenda of all Americans. They say their struggles herein benefit society as a whole even the predatorial population and those who buy into the cesspools of ignorance churned out by elements who want to control your soul with fear and repetitive soundbytes.
In an official statement the news venue tempered its response: “We will consciensiously represent our good faith by supporting the valiant and impulsive, the staid and the contrary, be they fountainheads of information or merely peddlers of the mundane recording snippets of history in muffled whispers or methodical slapdash.”
Local fruit growers have filed a protest, demanding help in the form of increased tariffs on fruit cultivated in the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
– Fred Zeppelin
GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT
(Gunnison) A prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole, of Antelope Hills, will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.
The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.
The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi and Fossil Ridge Sectors.
In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who raises giant shrimp and miniature elephants near Parlin.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Trump’s Head Too Big for Rushmore
(Keystone) Donald the Orange may have gone too far this time. His often-repeated insistence that he be included with Washington, Jefferson Lincoln and (Teddy) Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore was abruptly halted today when sculptors here concluded that his head would not fit on the Black Hills memorial.
“The shrine would simply be too top heavy,” said one sculptor, “with the inclusion of Trump. We’d never get the face right or the hair and narcissists don’t like that.”
The stone mason’s union agreed, adding that continual and expensive cosmetic updates would threaten the structure.
“The whole shooting’ match wouldn’t last three months, even if the president approved the first viewing, a highly unlikely scenario given what we have seen so far.”
Keystone, South Dakota, the closest town to Mount Rushmore has threatened a series of rock slides, sand storms and induced geothermal explosions if Trump employs the executive power act to put his noggin up there.
Although the exact measurements of the head in question are not known it is surmised that the cranial cavity and prefrontal cortex in particular are quite oversize. Readers are reminded that this enlarged superego does not dictate a functional, working mind.
“A clear mandate* dictates that our cult be etched in stone,” said Sally Magma, a solid supporter of isolationist theories of the 18th Century.
Trump has already told aides he plans to build an hotel and gold course at the base of the memorial.
Mount Rushmore, in Black Hills of South Dakota is listed by more than 35,000 people per day. That’s 9 times the people who attended Trumps million-dollar military birthday parade back in June.
The sitting president of South Dakota mines and Technology in Rapid City told reporters that Trump might be better off building sand castles in Florida than “flashing his Elvis-like smirk up here so close to Canada”.
Later the state’s leading construction company, headquartered in Deadwood, withdrew from the bidding process when it discovered that Trump had stiffed them (and over 50 sub-contractors) on a now defunct hotel-casino resort erected Atlantic City, New Jersey in 2013.
Cult masters are playing down what amounts to a great rejection while loyalists in the GOP are, quite predictably, offering up their heads to cover their asses.
“Isn’t this like auctioning off the United States Constitution for fire starter or selling the Liberty Bell for scrap,”lamented the disengaged Deadwood CEO.
North Dakota and Iowa have responded to the unparalleled actions by offering to exhibit Trump’s head “somewhere in their state…in a venue of honor.”
-Ben Black Elk
Next time: Are most American flags
really still manufactured in China?
*Trump won the 2024 election by only 49.8%
of the popular vote compared to Kamala Harris at 48.3%.
Pax Tourista declared by Polis
(Denver) Pledging continuity in positive tourist growth in Colorado, today Governor Jared Polis declared 2005 as Pax Tourista. This tribute only comes along once every 50 years and the recognition goes far beyond state borders. Exhorting all Coloradans to embrace the esteemed honor, he was overtly candid when speaking to merchants and service groups employed in the hospitality industry.
“Merchants in Colorado must be prepared to juggle the silly questions without looking down their noses at flatlanders and other visitors to our state,” he began. “Sure they seem like people from outer space sometimes but deep down they are just like we are and need a little reassurance, especially when out of their element. Be nice,” he stressed.
“A smile can disarm even the most demanding visitor,” he continued. “These people are our guests and not walking dollar bills.”
Polis suggested that merchants keep windows clean and shower regularly so as not to offend. He reminded business people that sticky doors, mean dogs and naked children running around did not send the right message to tourists looking for the high country experience.
“Third World charm should stay there. Our visitors want a little creature comfort after they come back from hiking, eating and fishing. It’s up to us to provide it. A little sincerity goes a long way,” he reminded. “And try to limit the number of restrictions on the entry way. Nobody likes to read No this and No that on the way in to buy a rock or a postcard to send back home. Keep the rap music down and avoid cooking high-intensity ethnic delicacies in the halls too,” he said.
Adhering to some of these simple considerations should result in a healthy, prosperous year for most Coloradans.
“We just want to make sure you pay your sales tax,” the governor joked.
– Uncle Pahgre
Hot Dog Eating Champ to head FDA
Milton Reliche, a 12-time world hot dog eating champion has been tapped by the Trump Administration to run the FDA. He replaces Eliot Mustard, MAGA stalwart Ed Onion and Muriel Pickle-Reliche, yes, the same Muriel who is married to Milton Reliche, and the chairwoman of a North Korean/Quasi-Siberian lingerie empire.
Many loyalists were in attendance, most notably the Duke of Cucumber and the Head of Romaine, vegetarians since birth.
“What exactly is the FDA?” Asked one of the honorable senators. “Are they with us or agin’ us?”
Reliche, who has reportedly taken a loyalty oath in 2016, will receive Secret Service protection after securing second place in the World Weiner Cup competition held last night in Florida. His finish has been contested with supporters claiming the results were fixed and the hot dog machines were tainted.
If approved by rubber stamp agencies rearing up at the state and federal level, Reliche will begin his catering duties in the Oval Office next week. He is expected to serve as interim economic advisor (tariff czar) to the current administration, filling in when the president dismisses anyone who is “not nice”.
-Pepper Salte
Monforts challenged to over 800 duels in 2025
(Greeley) Federal and state police have arrested or detained some 3,000 Colorado Rockies fans accusing most of making public threats and heated, often vulgar suggestions. Some 800 of these unhappy fans have been charged with challenging one or more Monforts to an assortment of duels.
Dueling, which has been illegal since the American Civil War, follows strict etiquette and, sadly often results in the death of one of the participants. It is generally viewed as a question of honor and a last resort in deciding a plethora of grievances. Traditionally duels are fought at dawn with only the shooter’s seconds, a physician and a limited audience standing by.
However, all duels are not fought in such civilized manners. Of the 800 threats some 150 were to be carried out with more modern pistols, another 35 with shotguns. Keystone gladiators also cried out for satisfaction with swords, axes, dart guns, bows, meat cleavers, and yes, a Louisville Slugger or two.
Of the 800 persons of interest police say 50 were quite prepared to meet the meat (in reference to Monfort feedlots). These angry baseball enthusiasts boasted pistols ensconced in tasteful hardwood boxes, often featuring a family logo or monogram of century-old shooting clubs. The weapons, often single-shot flintlocks or black powder almost always come in pairs, perfect for a morning gunfight.
One woman said she hoped to fight it out with whichever Monfort has the guts to show up. She says that while dueling may not solve anything it remains a matter of honor to many Coloradans. Her instrument of assault was a sharpened femur from a dead bovine that many cheered as quite appropriate.
“I feel the slap of the glove across my face every time the Rockies blow a lead or strike out with the bases loaded,” she said. “We deserve better. Unless we see a change of ownership we will continue to experience this passive-aggressive emptiness that will eat us up like overpriced beers and hot dogs.”
Brothers Charles and Richard Monfort purchased the Colorado Rockies baseball team in 1992.
-Rocky Flats, Sports Editor
