Author Archive for M. Toole

How Things Happen: Walter Brown

“He said honey, “I pilfered, I trifled

I murdered, I lied and I stole”

And she said “Hush and eat your supper

before everything gets cold.”

— Mark Germino

 

 For the second time in his 29 years my son was after me to get a dog. Since

the first time worked out reasonably well, I wasn’t adamantly opposed to the

idea.

 My son and I agree that a dog should be of a certain size, girth, width,

height, stature and so forth.  When we think dog we think large.  For one

thing it is hard to call a small dog a grand name like Snow King, Thor,

Juneau or Maverick.

We next pondered what kind of large dog would be most appropriate. We

discussed several brand names  –  Newfoundland and Irish Wolfhound among

them.  My son agreed to track down a source for these dogs. He’d get back to

me.

When he did several weeks later he offered a curious plan.

“First of all dad, these dogs cost money”

“What dogs?”

“Newfoundlands and they drool.”

“How much ?”

“They drool a lot dad and . . “

“No, no, how much money?

$1200 – $1500 bucks”

“Jesus son, I’m not gonna pay $1500 bucks for a dog , drool or not.”

“No dad. I’m gonna buy the dog” he said without conviction or any

enthusiasm I could notice.

“You’re going to buy the dog huh. Where are you going to get it?”

“Seattle. I think I can buy the dog in Seattle”

“You’re going to Seattle to buy the dog?” My son lives in Denver.

“No, I’ll order the dog over the internet. “I thought about this for a

couple of seconds.

“How are you going to get the dog down here.” I live in Northern New

Mexico.

“I’ll send you the dog.”

I think we both knew that the plan was dubious at best but even the

strangest endeavors sometimes assume a momentum of their own. Look at the

candidacy of George W. Bush for president.

As I thought this whole thing over I knew what I had to do. I immediately

gave notice at work to create yet more time to think this over; to prepare

myself mentally and spiritually; to be on hand when the mailman delivered

the dog and so on.  I also came up with a name for the dog. Walter. The dog

would be called Walter.

My son called back a couple of weeks later with the news that he had

discussed with his fiancee the plan to buy a $1500 dog in Seattle over the

internet and send it to me .

“What did she say son?”

“She said it was the dumbest thing she had ever heard of.”

We were both relieved.

This would probably have been the end of the whole matter had I not come up

with a name for the dog.

Walter.

  Some people believe that as a concept or idea becomes real in your mind it

becomes real in actuality. Kind of like what you believe is what you’re

gonna get. Nobody knows exactly how this works because the mechanism is

invisible to most of us. It may have to do with the “unified field”. It may

have to do with the “collective unconscious”. It may revolve from  some

mysterious “underlying intelligence”. We don’t understand it precisely

because it is silent to our normal senses but that in no ways means it

doesn’t exist.

Some people see it as no more than the complete circle of giving and

receiving.  Some people call it flow, others call it belief or faith. Still

others tab it dumb luck.

The first time I actually saw Walter was about a week later. He was

recovering from internal injuries and surgery to repair a broken back leg.

He was in a cage at the Vet’s office looking kind of sad and dopey.  My ex

wife, who found him the day before outside of the Espanola library, an

apparent victim of an encounter with a car or truck, had taken him to the

vet then notified me.

As I looked at Walter I wondered of course if he would grow to be a

reasonably large dog, which he has to include an astoundingly large head. I

also wondered what kind of dog he might be.  Today, six  months later, I am

still wondering.

The vet told me that because Walter had four pins in his leg that it was

very important, oh boy did she stress this, that the dog not walk ,

certainly not run, around for two weeks.

I fashioned a cardboard box and pretty much carried Walter around with me.

From time to time removing him from the box and placing him outside

exhorting and encouraging him to do his duty or something like that. I’m not

sure how I put it.

It is not easy  to keep a  month old puppy in cardboard box for an extended

period of time. I think I did as well as the next guy except one occasion

when Walter was accompanying me in the truck on a trip to Espanola.

One of my accomplishment since I left Crested Butte is learning how to use

a drive up ATM machine and it was on the way to such a machine that I made

my first mistake. I pulled into MacDonalds and ordered a Sausage MucMuffin.

I placed the  breakfast sandwich on the dashboard and drove across the

street to the ATM machine where with confidence I inserted the plastic card

into the bowels of the machine. I punched in a four number code known only

to me and requested forty bucks. The machine indicated it was processing .

At this time I made my second mistake. I reasoned I could unwrap and take a

bite out of that Sausage MucMuffin while I waited for my cash. The instant

the sandwich was unwrapped and en route  to my mouth Walter, bum leg and

all, sprang like a cougar out of the box straight through me towards the

sandwich. Surprised and startled  I fended off the surprisingly strong and

determined dog in an effort to protect myself and the sandwich which was

mistake # 3.

  Walter tumbled back into his box which in turn tumbled  into the gearshift

and onto the floor of the truck  spewing out the dog in a crumbled and

awkward position and causing him to engage in a sustained, plaintive howl.

Oh Jesus, what have I done? As the machine churned out my cash,  I set

about rescuing the dog, spilling a cup of dangerous McDonald coffee in the

process, not directly on the dog thank god, but  contributing in general to

the ongoing mayhem and disorder.

  I untangled the dog the best I could. I repeatedly expressed sincere

regret . I held him. I cajoled and calmed him. I lamented my stupidity and

then after the third absolution of “‘I’ll make up to you Walter I really

will” I reached out to complete my transaction with the ATM machine only the

money wasn’t there any longer. Did it fly out of the tray?  Did it . . .

I subsequently learned that after a prescribed period of time ATM machines

will swallow back your money.  The machine of course deducts the money it

just snatched away from you from your account.  It’s your fault. You didn’t

“grab it fast.” I tossed the now battle torn sandwich in the trash and drove

away.

Walter has cost me in other ways. When I engaged a plumber at the modest

rate of 80 bucks an hour Walter stealthily removed a key part, then a key

tool from the operation which cost me at least another forty bucks in time

relocating. Then there is his curious habit of  snatching my razor and

chewing it , blade included, beyond recognition. Did I mention that he

throws up any food that costs less than $1 a can?

Still the dog is a blessing, a proud and goofy compliment and companion.

Most guys really like their dogs and I’m no exception. Perhaps it’s the

unconditional love, for sure it’s the humor, and  maybe, just maybe, it

sometimes has something to do with the process of  how a thing happens in

the first place.

— Lee H. Ervin

Lip Reading Offered by Motor Vehicle

(Montrose Bad Language Lab)

     A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.

     The course, conducted for all, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.

     “The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on in summer, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and often vulgsar suggested ideas will flow.”

     O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television addicts. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.

     “They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said the heralded director. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”

     Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relieve this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.

     Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative exchanges hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.

– Attila Diggins

CRESTEDPOLITAN MAGAZINE

GO FAX YOURSELF A NEW ROMANCE

     If it doesn’t make you jealous enough to know that all your friends are shacking up with Mr. Right while you’re giving the cat a bath on Saturday night, be informed that they’re setting up their lust sessions with a Fax machine. Believe it, sister! Want to screen those potential bedmates without embarrassment, mainstream commitment or potential stalking? It’s the safe and easy way to get through the preliminaries and into the sack!

     The first thing to do is secure a safe Fax network, one free of bothersome old boyfriends and unacceptable suitors. Don’t use the one down at the office. The best idea here is to buy your own and insure privacy. They cost about $100 plus paper.

     Keep in mind that photographs are never enhanced on a Fax so don’t be overly concerned if your potential lover looks like a prune or a young executive suffering from yellow fever or the scurvy.

     Keep the phone lines open to send and receive the right message. Sometimes men can be slow to respond and it’s probably a good idea to include a deadline or some sort of shelf life for your proposal to be answered. Don’t be shy. It’s the Nineties and women can get away with a little aggression. It’s better than a movie with the girls!

     Whether this approach to love in modern times works or not is up to you. Remember: There’s no limit as to the amount of bait used. Try soaking your initial Fax in perfume or leave a little lipstick at the bottom of the page. Men are generally stupid so be direct. It’s better than hanging out in front of the grocery or trolling Elk Avenue even with lower gasoline prices. Good luck, you fox.

RID YOURSELF OF FLAKES AND BUMP DATES

     It’s close quarters here in Crested Butte. One date with a geek and you’ll probably run into same four or five times on the way to the lifts or end up waiting on him at a local restaurant. This situation calls for extreme measures. YOU COULD MOVE TO BOULDER OR…

     HOW TO DUMP A DUD DATE: There are lots of ways to shorten an unpleasant experience but it could take more savvy than shortening that little black dress of yours. Popular ways to can a boring companion include drownings (Blue Mesa and Peanut Lake are the perfect locale) dumping off cliffs (Upper Gothic Road, Ohio Pass and even Quirky Kebler work great for the impulsive push or calculated shove). The idea here is to do a clean job before anyone gets wind of your dissatisfaction. Don’t wait around to be annoyed by nasal phone messages and love letters chucked full of misspellings and invitations to an intimate dinner at the sewage treatment plant. TIP: Don’t drive drunk or park too long on Elk Avenue or the local marshal’s office will get wind of your behavior and may investigate.

AVALANCHE DANGERS TOUGH ON MAKE-UP

     Every spring we mountain folk must brace ourselves for an unusually brutal does of late winter. Funny, but nobody remembers last April’s dump when the sun hits the snow in March. Be prepared for wet snow and dry air by covering up with any one of an assortment of creams and lotions especially made for dry skin. AND IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE THIS MONTH avoid avalanche regions and other unstable social situations. It’s your skin and your hide is stuck to it, baby.

     While we’re on the subject of falling ice and snow and natural disasters keep in mind that March is a great time to move in with your lover (since he’ll probably be moving back to Moline in April). Just keep in mind that men are fools and must be manipulated daily. TIPS: 1.) Don’t cook dinner for him after you are co-habitating since he’ll grow to expect it. 2.) Train him to keep the seat down. 3.) The dog you loved before the merger belongs outside. 4.) When his mother calls tell her you’re the maid or just a friend. Don’t admit to anything. 5.) Inhabit a place with at least two bathrooms. 6.) Decide just who buys what for the household: For example if he buys the light bulbs, you buy the toilet paper. 7.) If he comes down with a cold get a hotel room for the week. 8.) Losing pounds while he gorges himself on mashed potatoes, ice cream and beer is not likely. Try to put him on a diet and reward him with your affections when he skips a snack. 9.) Flirt with the pizza deliver guy only if your lover is within earshot. 10.) Fill in your best advice and take it to the bank. Common sense be damned here…Let’s get nasty!

INSIDE YOUR CRESTEDPOLITAN

For the theater or the salon…

SULTRY NEW PUMPS SURE TO MELT THE SNOW

More Styles than places to wear them

Strangers in the Night?

WHERE TO GO IN TOWN AND NOT KNOW A SOUL

Failing bistros and semi-trendy cafes

that have no following whatsoever, await you

TRY A CLOVE WITH THAT NEW HAIRDO – EVEN THE DOG LIKES IT!

Garlic Perfumes For Spring

Go from Ms. Crazy to Ms. Cool with Herbal Makeovers

Cloud seeding for future passion…

HOW TO KEEP HIM IN BED ON A POWDER MORNING

Underhanded tricks of the trade for getting what you want

This Month’s Fiction: “The Beauty Pageant Turns Ugly”

What to wear to the revolution — by Patricia Hearst

Safe Tanning – a pressing question or just a hype to sell more sunscreen?

Read all about it Woody’s Survival Guide

RICH SKI BABES AND BEAUS MOB ELK AVENUE.

Get all the details and maybe get lucky too! In Hey, Bozos

Mountain Express to run buses on discarded phone books

(Crested Butte) In what experts are calling a revolutionary fuel saving effort, Mountain Express buses will begin burning unclaimed/discarded phone directories as of July. The gratis Crested Butte bus service is currently using an assortment of cooking oil, fossil fuels and good will to keep the service afloat.

     At the time of this writing there are an estimated 40 different telephone books circulating Gunnison County alone. According to unconfirmed sources if every person in the county used 5 phone directories in a year that would leave some 700,000 books collecting dust. The number of books from other locales smuggled into area during the summer months is, according to spleen counters, impossible to estimate.

     Fears that the directories might fall into the hands of international terrorists prompted a no lo contesto gov’ment intrusion policy in the alternative use program.

     “We can operate our fleet on half that many,” said a spokesman for Mountain Express. “Since storage is limited, and because there will be new books coming off the press we plan to give some of the leftover books to the indigent for use in cooking. The rest will most likely be used to wallpaper Totem Pole Park.

     The application of the recycled phone books is expected to relieve the rising cost of more traditional fuels and provide reading material for people bored with the alpine scenery here in one of so many paradises.

     “We will have to forgo fuel-injected engines and continue to shun air-conditioning, but these measures will pay for themselves by ski season,” said D. Tucker, former Executive Director of Humane Services for the company. “In addition I am ordering all current bus drivers to shave their heads for improved visibility, high altitude velocity and streamline-dynamics.”

     Several publishers of the junk phone books, chosen at random for comment, did not return our calls Friday since we do not have a phone.

     Anyone finding himself with more directories than necessary should call Mountain Express to arrange pickup. Books with pages missing will not be accepted.

– Suzie Compost

     

Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2030?

(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.

     The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.

     “The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”

     The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.

     “The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope.

     The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile.

     “It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal.

– St. Roscoe of Preakness

Schicklgruber family sues Trump for plagiarism

(Munich)  Because Adolf Hitler’s father Alois was born out of wedlock, the Nazi leader used the last name “Schicklgruber” until adulthood.

Long before, In 1876, Alois changed his last name to “Hitler,” when he added his stepfather’s name to his birth certificate. More recently, descendants have gone back to the original Schicklgruber, apparently not wanting to use the named Hitler due to possible negative associations to mass murder and  genocide.

The word schicklgruber is translated from Austrian-German (Adolf’s birth tongue) as “money-grubber”  or “fate-digger”.

The above-mentioned legal action claims that the part-time resident of the White House, Donald J. Trump did willfully and menacingly steal speeches from the Fuher and has cherry-picked passages from other writings, particularly Mein Kampf and a particularly dreary, and little known, Liebe und Lebensraum, a pathetic, drug-laced romance novel penned by Hitler (the spicy scenes  reputedly created by Rudolf Hess) while the former cooled his heels in Lansberg Prison in 1924.

If the mustachioed Corporal Hitler had been snuffed at the Battle of Galicia/Lemberg (August–September 1914) like more than 450,000 Austria-Hungarian and Russian combatants, none of this would have mattered and the author of this piece could be sitting in his sunny Antioquia  plaza sipping lattes and anejo rum, gazing at beautiful women instead of pontificating up here in a shabby treehouse redoubt.

Dire warnings began flooding in way back in 1924, with one ultra-critical uncle red flagging Germany’s future leader.

“I’d damn sure keep an eye on that swarthy bastard. He’s a wing nut without a washer.” – Uncle Otto Hitler, Swabian cabinet maker

“He was a nice kid before the Great War and before he donned that stupid mustache.” – Helga Schicklgruber, maternal grandmother’s third cousin and occasional gardener.

“Be careful of Adolf. He’s not quite right.” – Rolf Greeger, fellow Austrian soldier, who spent time in the trenches with Hitler despite bone spurs that should have kept him back in Berlin for the duration of the conflict.

“I know nothing.” – Sergeant Hans Schultz, fictional German guard in Luft Stalag 13 (Hogan’s Heroes television program).

-Fred Zeppelin