Author Archive for M. Toole
ST. ROSCOE APPEARS TO WAL-MART SHOPPERS
Montrose) The patron of excessive consumerism, St. Roscoe of Mesquite, reportedly appeared to several hundred Wal-Mart enthusiasts as they left the outlet Friday. The Christmas season generates colossal throngs of witless vendees and countless millions of dollars for the Arkansas- based discount house as mindless shopping herds get into the holiday spirit.
St. Roscoe urged the faithful to spend more money, often physically pushing some of the fringe element back into the store. He assured late arrivals and the uninitiated that they would be rewarded for spending right up to the limit on their credit cards.
“It’s all fine and dandy to spend the week’s paycheck on items marked down from the regular price,” proclaimed St. Roscoe, who reputedly paid the Vatican $250,000 for the sainted status back in 1993.
The last documented sighting of the consumer saint occurred two years ago when St. Roscoe appeared to a contingent of gamblers enjoying the new casinos in Cripple Creek. That time he showed up in a powder blue leisure suit and white loafers. This latest visit featured Roscoe in a more subtle getup characterized by a plumed top hat made in Canada, Palestinian fatigues and beaded moccasins made in Taiwan. This ensemble was underscored by green and white Dutch argyle socks and a snappy Mexican bolo tie presented to Roscoe by a former governor of Sonora in 1983. A crisp, silk Parisian cape complimented the entire costume emphasizing the saint’s loyalty to mass marketing and lip service to products made in the U.S.A.
“The frugal shall inherit the earth while the spendthrift shall enter the Kingdom of Mass Merchandizing,” wailed Roscoe from his new found perch above a line of shopping carts. Give Caesar what is Caesar’s and give Wal-Mart what is Walmart’s!”
The saint then used a chaotic fender-bender as a diversion, stole a 1959 Ford station wagon from the parking lot and headed off toward Gunnison. He has not been seen since.
Rockies’ Blackball decision looming just as season begins
(Denver) In a mock ballot the Colorado’s Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche and Rapids have voted to blackball the Colorado Rockies. The four other professional franchises in the state tipped their poker hands early showcasing strong feelings in regard to the Rockies’ future here.
The Broncos, Avalanche and Nuggets have shown very positive credentials with the football and hockey teams finishing at the top of their respective leagues while the Nuggets are seen as serious contenders for the NBA crown. The Rapids too, a newer football/soccer club, seem to have followed a reasonable flow toward future success.
The Rockies are hereby on probation beginning at spring training. Tentative action may take place following the 2026 season.
“Out of the Platte and into the Frying Pan” said one Rockies’ executive, who has yet to trade away potential stars currently on the roster.
For more on this please turn to Coloradans save millions on Rockies tickets and attire —Money spent on more important pursuits like food and gasoline.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Ancient ones never bothered with building permit in Montezuma County
The Anasazi, or Ancient Ones, as the Pueblos call them, never secured the proper documents before completing Mesa Verde. The county has been trying to set the record straight for over 30 years with little luck and a lot of frustration.
“We’ve been looking for someone to hand the bill to, but they all seem to have moved on,” said County Manager Melvin Toolski, who also seems to have disappeared in last year.
According to reliable and preferred sources:
Mesa Verde, which is now a National Park, was occupied by the Ancestoral Puebloans from approximately 550 CE to 1300 CE, who transitioned from mesa-top pit houses to sophisticated,, 600+ cliff dwellings. These indigenous farmers and builders thrived for centuries, leaving behind, 1000+ sites, including Cliff Palace, before migrating south to New Mexico and Arizona due to severe, 1200s, drought and social pressures.
The swift departure and subsequent relocation has left the gov’ment holding the bag as it were with back taxes alone estimated to be over 15 million dollars in today’s currency.
“We have all but written this debt off falling sort of labelling these ancients as deadbeats,” said Toolski. “They are probably at some tropical beach in Mexico spending our money on tequila and menudo.”
Another spokesman for the county said the matter had been put on the back burner since it is well past the statute of limitations.
“Conservatively speaking we are probably 720 years too late for legal action, even if we could find a responsible party to target,” she explained.
Anasazi a Navajo name that is interpreted as ancient enemy, is now considered disrespectful by the 26 tribes who descended from these ancient peoples. This includes the Hopi, the Acoma, the peoples of Taos Pueblo, and all who live along the Little Colorado and Rio Grande rivers. These descendants of the people who lived in Mesa Verde for 700 years want the original inhabitants of Mesa Verde, Colorado, be known as the Ancestoral Puebloans.
Local Brothels Step Up to Bat in Affordable Housing
(Manana) Local bordellos have joined in the struggle for “affordable housing” by dropping hourly and all-night tariffs in many locales. The discounts, which are reportedly in effect until tourist season mark the first time the sex industry has jumped onboard to help relieve pressure of the well-healed homeless and other fiscal refugees in Western Colorado.
It was not clear which bawdy houses were all-in on the plan which was described as symbiotic by local officials who have begged ignorance as to the existence of these pleasure parlors in their rigid, god-fearing image of the region.
Employee housing and other ongoing fiascos could be considered in the controversial move, leading several towns to turn their collective heads on the morality of the developments.
“Sometimes demand dictates bedfellows, strange or not,” said one town manager.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Quickie Spring Tips
with Muffy Hollandaise
Brew sun vodka for chilly spring eves
On sunny days while you’re out fighting the wind or poaching whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’re brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).
Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail waggers
Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of early termination of the work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and dog hair.
Keeping cold air out
If you are trying to maintain a warm house during an iffy spring season remember: Continue to keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.
Planets Set to Collide
(Substratum Observatory) Astronomers here predict that either Mars or Venus (or both) will collide with planet Earth, resulting in mass destruction and an end to life as we have known it. The frightening impact is expected somewhere between the next few days and the next 750 years, depending on negative energy flow, external phenomenon and the weather. Residents of the affected planets are urged to stockpile food water and blankets so as to have the best chances of survival. Evacuation plans are ludicrous at this juncture.
“We apologize for the vagueness and inaccuracies contained in our report,” said one scientist, “and we would like to be more exact in our calculations but it’s tough to tell what is what and who is who in outer space. Trying to decide what time to have lunch is tough enough without trying to predict the arrival time of bedlam and pandemonium.”
Meanwhile an official government statement released this morning denies any knowledge of suspicious behavior on the part of Mars and Venus. In addition leaders in world capitals agree that all residents should continue their daily rituals and not worry about “silliness that they cannot control”.
“Like it or not the collisions could come at any time,” continued the astronomical source, “so we may as well enjoy life, although it might not hurt to get one’s cosmic ducks in a row.”
Manuel Flushe
Soviets Withheld Hangover Cure from People
(Moscow) The KGB and other control factions in the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 50 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of ripe Georgian peppercorns, liquid oxygen, generous portions of vitamin B, and dried Tabasco sauce lightly shaken with tepid vodka, was discovered by none other than Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1944. Sadly the paranoid dictator did not make his findings public, in fact did not share these remedial qualities with even his close friends and family, until his death in 1953.
The embarrassing disclosures were released as part of a continuing house cleaning in the Kremlin. It was not clear at press time if controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin had knowledge of the proceedings.
Stalin’s sad legacy had survived until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure for advanced exposure to vile spirits was leaked to reporters by a Communist party girl during a weekend fling in Minsk. Since then the party girl has relocated to Finland and cannot be contacted for comment. The official recipe was never circulated within the hard-drinking population since it was destroyed by fire during the Yeltson Era.
According to statements attributed to the now deceased Yeltsin “It remains horribly barbaric and intensely cruel to those of us that enjoy a daily repast and often exceed our limits. Withholding information of this magnitude swerves as further proof that Stalin was not only mad but heartless too.”
For decades party officials had complained of lost workdays and low production, often attributing these social maladies to the liberal consumption of barn vodka”. Had Stalin shared his discoveries the Soviet System may have succeeded or at least shown better yields in factories and collective farms.
“The world might be a different place today had the Soviets applied this saving catalyst,” said one expert who often dresses as Stalin and still lives with his (not Stalin’s) mother.
The ancients seem to have possessed a remedy for alcohol poisoning as they called it. Researchers have doggedly pursued a cold trail in this vein since the Crusades. Prior to that time the personified factions of good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first put cork to bottle, brewing beer in 3500 BC.
– Gregory Rasputin Jr.
SICK BLAMED FOR HEALTH CARE WOES
(Warshington) Opponents of the absent/diluted National Health Care program, proposed by the Obama Administration, say that sick people are the major stumbling block in creating an effective policy here. The culprits, they say, lay around in hospital beds doing virtually nothing all day.
Republicans, careful not to offend the right-wing Christian sector, added that these problem citizens should either get healthy or bow out gracefully so as to allow the rest of us to afford protection.
Saying that these “selfish malcontents are jeopardizing the standard of living for everyone”, a spokesperson for the Sturgeon General’s Office promised to look into the matter after the November elections.
“We’re all down with the flu this week,” whined the source,. If we had premier coverage like Congress we’d probably be able to make it to work and actually get something accomplished.”
In the interim, concerned parties on the left and right have called for a freeze on legal immigration so that “fevered clusters of humanity can be better curtailed”. These highly vocal groups have even gone so far as to demand clean bills of health from groups entering the county illegally and serve them up as some sort of example to the sleepy American voter.
“The last thing we need is a bunch of aliens getting sick and ruining it for everyone else,” said Efram T .Bagge from somewhere south of reality. “If they insist on having babies here, the least they could do is have the dignity to buy American-made diapers!”
When later informed that all “American” diapers (and American flags for that matter) are made in China, the enlightened source was at a loss for further misspelled words and bad grammar.
In a rare appearance at a suburban Virginia dog show, Governor Abagail Spamburger told reporters that “blaming the infirmed for health care woes was like blaming cats for litter boxes. But it’s high time we identified the jive in the system,” she said. “How can our lovely state, named for a long-deceased virgin queen now be shamelessly promoted as a place for lovers.”
Following an enthusiastic response by those in attendance, the President promised to recognize no less than 16 new breeds if elected for a second term.
Called cheap grandstanding by dwindling voices in the Republican camp, the action was seen by non-partisan forces as an attempt to placate the sick while securing the much sought after canine vote in the coming campaigns.
“Isn’t it about time the middle classes picked up the slack,” said one lobbyist for the American Medical Association. “If we wait for the rich or poor to cover our arses we could be six feet under before sunset. How can we realistically expect to find any answers with all the coughing and nose blowing taking precedence over common sense?”
– Tommy Middlefinger
