Author Archive for M. Toole
Colorado poised to lose billions in foreign tourist dollars this summer
Tourism from Europe and countries all over the world appears to be in big trouble in 2026. Sure, we still have the traditional credit card wielding southern visitors and the weekenders from the Front Range passing through. And yes, the second home owners are still here, but an international, generally pleasant, often affluent sector of Colorado’s tourism is being diluted if not gone altogether due to fear of Immigration police and ICE thugs.
“These people have read about the arrogance and incompetence of federal officials who would rather send someone to a holding facility than whistle dixie,” said a reliable source in the Minnesota mayor’s office.
“They have read about murders committed by Nuevo Nazis and raids on the homes of aliens and US citizens alike,” piped another travel agency web designer whose grandparents survived the occupation of France in the 1940s. “Many Europeans undoubtedly remember other hostile regimes and the reluctance of their parents and grandparents to cross those borders for necessities, business and especially pleasure.”
Although xenophobia has been globally persistent for centuries and still exists today, the most lethal and festering example might have occurred during the period up to and during World War II when foreign visitors ran the risk of being detained and harassed if not just held in contempt by a brainwashed provincials and oafish constables.
Accessible figures on tourist dollars flowing into Germany dropped significantly 1933- 1945 and Japan more drastic (even in the midst of victorious autocracy) figures emerged. Tourist visits and other telltale data in Italy remained solvent, with El Douche and his buddies claiming prisoners in concentration camps on official guest rolls. Spending in conquered countries circumvented previous figures in places like Mongolia, Ethiopia, Poland, Greece and North Africa even before Adolf Hitler’s birthday in 1931. Russia has relied little on foreign tourism but even that sad statistic it hit an all-time low during the Stalin dictatorship.
“It’s simple enough, “ continued the second source: People don’t like to go on vacation where totalitarianism reigns and freedoms are being whittled away like a twig from a once mighty oak under a sharp blade. It makes them nervous.”
Source: I earned my MBA in tourism in night school – Pea Green Academy Curriculum: Cash register comfort/credit card manipulation, how to handle a rare cash payment for worthless souvenirs/How to deflect senior discount requests/intimidation with dogs and stories about bear attacks…The stance at the cash register. Parade rest, feet firmly on level surface / leaning on canes, walls, lame conversation to make your daily goal/taxation without clarification – taking liberties with the IRS.
Meanwhile WSUC in Gunnison expects to offer a Master’s Degree in sports micro-management this autumn. With a focus on adverb use and the inherent power of silence through the joys of dead air. Flank the critics with this popular and timely degree! Talk to your life coach today!
Apology: We mistakenly headlined a recent story: Scallops become prawns in Japanese tiff with China. The headline should have said Scallops become pawns…We are sorry if anyone was hurt by our insensitive reports on this matter.
White Nationalists missed big chance to rename Winter Olympics
The 2026 Winter Olympics could have been called The Caucasian Olympics plus 2 (China and Japan) but white supremacist blew it.
Clearly Aryans dominate the event with Norse and Flemish overtones and including Southern European tribes such as the Spain, Portugal, France and the 2026 hosts.
1st Winter Olympics were held in Chamonix, France 1924. Before that there were no Winter Olympics since the entire concept originated in Greece and there is not enough snow to bobsled or ample ice to engage in the suspense of curling.
One might ask: Well then why didn’t Hitler, (or even Georgian Joe Stalin*) jump on the chance to promote the Caucasian culture?
Glad you asked: The next every-four-years scheduled Olympic Games would have been in 1928 while Adolf was cooling his heels in the calaboose. In 1932 he was engaged in street fighting, minority baiting and more beer hall entanglements. By the time of the winter games in 1936 rolled around Herr Hitler was far to engrossed in Lebensraum, Non-Aggression Mustache Pacts and plans to invade his neighbors to get his lip whiskers around a little snow and ice over in the Alps.
*Stalin, who according to Secret Police hatchet man Levrently Beria, was a shitty skier, was busy with purges and famines during those years which left him little time to pursue athletic venues.
“Democrats today are the party of the environmental lunatics, the transgender lunatics, the ones that think that we should be giving everything to foreign countries and not doing anything for our nation,”
– Senator Bernie Moreno, Republican of Ohio
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs were not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in historically problematic ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exacerbated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity, it seriously limits food architecture. These structural implications amid the pressures of the accepted pecking order could breakdown positive barriers and leave food cold.
The cost of certification is $350 per year (upgrades include Wyoming and Utah for an extra $50). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 300.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties.
– Wolfgang Putz
Stacking Wood For Spring Still Requires Building Permit
(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the this spring first you must acquire a building permit from the appropriate gov’ment entity. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.
Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.
Although thought to be extreme by some, the new litigation should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of intensive beer drinking at the ball further clouded the public appraisal.
The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before Memorial Day, according to a source there.
“At least we’re the ones they show on TV interviews, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one council member.
The weekly council meetings are shown on closed circuit TV every Monday night following I Love Lucy.
Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, local politcos, bruised by recent local labor strife, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.
Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there could be indicted for disturbing the peace unless they are doing it according to pre-approved exercise regimens.
– Rocky Flats
Gen de la Realeza Aislado
(Vail) El tan buscado Gen de la Realeza, esa unidad hereditaria que determina quién pertenece a la realeza y quién no, ha sido descubierto en ratas de laboratorio en un búnker subterráneo en las profundidades de la cordillera de Gore Tex. Conocido por los expertos como el Gen de la Reina, que también forma parte de un cromosoma, el Gen de la Realeza parece ser más prolífico en poblaciones de ratas que presumen de herencia real o privilegios debido a su dinero en el banco.
“Si se creen reyes, tienen más probabilidades de ser coronados reyes que una rata común en la calle buscando comida”, dijo un investigador que no estaba cualificado para hablar sobre el asunto y exigió animosidad.
Lo que indican los postulados que surgen de estos hallazgos es que (según el difunto y gran inspector John Musick) “el acervo genético se está convirtiendo en un charco genético” y que solo unos pocos vivirán el estilo de vida suntuoso que tantos anhelan. Para evitar parecer políticamente incorrectos o insensibles, los científicos insistieron cuidadosamente en que el llamado Gen Reina no tenía nada que ver con preguntas relacionadas con la preferencia sexual.
El mayor problema al que se enfrentan ahora es encontrar suficientes ratas voluntarias para continuar los experimentos.
“Las pruebas que se realizan aquí no son más dañinas que una simple vacuna contra la gripe”, explicó el científico. “Por muy descabellado que parezca, necesitamos que estos roedores intervengan ahora, ya que son parte integral del programa.
Cómo lidian las ratas con los residuos, con la realidad aparentemente desequilibrada, es asunto suyo”, dijo el investigador.
– Small Mouth Bess
Interview with Muffy Hollandaise
Ms. Hollandaise, outspoken on everything from leash laws to HIV, lives in her condominium purchased with McDonald-Douglas stock. Although a flame-throwing liberal she supports Israel and thinks the guys and gals down at the World Bank would be fun on a date. We caught up to her in the Montrose Wal-Mart parking lot.
Horseshoe: Good day. I see that you like Taco Bell. You have lived in Western Colorado for almost a year. What do you think of all sprawl south of Montrose?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: That’s nice. You wear your activism well. Do you think there is any solution to global warming?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Yeah but it’s part of the greater whole. Are you afraid of terrorists?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the trade deficit and the growing competition with China?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Where is China?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the war in Gaza, the private contractor abuses, the costs of maintaining an army in Nigeria and the perception of the Arab people as to our goals in the Mideast?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the movement in South America to rid themselves of World Bank and IMF extortion on that continent?
Muffy:” I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Who will win the Democratic nomination for President?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Do you think the US needs a firm policy concerning illegal aliens coming into the country?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Are there UFOs flying around up there?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Is the world coming to an end?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about all of the starving people all over the planet?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What would you do if your bank burned down?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if Sawpit was washed away in a flood?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if someone developed a feedlot adjacent to the Valley Floor and established a tuna canning plant on Bear Creek?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What do you do to make the world a better place?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if, all of a sudden there was no more gasoline to buy?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the prospect of total annihilation due to nuclear warfare or an accident like Three Mile Island or Chernobyl?
Muffy: I live in Telluride
Horseshoe: Where do you live?
Muffy: I beg your pardon. That’s getting very personal.
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole
“Boredom is a sure sign of a mediocre mind.” – King Albert I of Belgium, July, 1914
