Author Archive for M. Toole
Uncompahgre To Run South in November
(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 1990.
The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until 2022.
“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but what do the people do in the winter?”
The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.
“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”
– Uncle Pahgre
FBI Raids Cat Lady House
(Colona) A combined land and sea assault is in progress this morning targeting a notorious cat lady locale in downtown Mañana. Part of operation Feline Fandango, the feds will to storm and pacify roughly 400 known cat lady redoubts west of the Mississippi by 2022.
These swoops have become necessary since local County Health office and Humane Society have been unwilling to come to the aid of county taxpayers. Many of these people are at risk of septic disease do to sick and unvaccinated animals. The condition remains critical at various coordinates throughout the Colorado Plateau and onto the Pacific..
The incursion included rounding up local tom cats —the after dark culprits in the population brinks. None of the tight-lipped agencies would say if legal action is in the wings but the demolition of contaminated adobes has already began.
“How assorted cat lady teams have survived in such gruesome and deteriorated conditions is beyond even the sickest imagination,” said one state health official who demanded anonymity.
“Pets deserve to have a healthy life,” said the rogue health official. “These poor creatures are damned to an early death and all because of human retardation and shocking ignorance.
Upon completion of this daunting task FBI agents will begin deploying special nautical strike forces along 1000-square-miles of the Continental Shelf ocean floor. Their goal: Removal of an estimated 44,000 tons of discarded exercise equipment currently littering sediment-covered seabeds all the way to abyssal plains.
-Dag Katz
MANY YEARS AGO
Martian Amoebas Could Shift Vote Says Prof
(Aspen-Wilsonall Center) A political science professor at Adams State College told some men in the bar yesterday that if the Martian amoebas could have voted, Bob Dole would have been elected in 1996. The existence of the amoebas, recently discovered in someone’s dirty laundry chute, suggests that there was life on Mars at one time and that the Rockies would win the World Series in 2032.
“It’s that last part, you know…the impossible part…that stacks up well for antediluvian candidate, Mr. Dole,” said Dr. Orem Silt, a man of tenure and tenacity. “Imagine a million or so tiny amoebas elbowing their way into the ballot booth in a given November. Hell, that group could even sway an election in Mexico or El Salvador! Just look at the Evangelicals.”
Planet Gunnison Night Club Ready To Go
(Ohio City) It whispers sensuality all the way from its lace-trimmed windows to its bawdy, swinging door. It’s Gunnison’s newest night spot and it’s located in Ohio City! The 24-hour restaurant/lounge opened this morning to rave reviews from the local papers and revelers alike.
Although details are sketchy, The Horseshoe has learned that the club is located just off Quartz Creek along Forest Service Road 771. More specific directions are available thoughtlessly nailed to trees just north of the Gold Link Mine. Party animals are reminded that if they turn off at Comanche Gulch they haven’t come far enough and if they turn at the Mill Lake Trail they are violating over 320 Inferior Department rules regarding wilderness access and a slew of controversial highway beautification efforts
Just moments ago the proprietors confirmed rumors that they would be giving away warm beer through Christmas and that all sandwiches served in the establishment would include bread and an indigenous garnish.
Pancake Boy Quits School
(Ute Hall) The ever-popular Pancake Boy of Western State has reportedly decided to quit school in his senior year to take a position at the local Wal-Mart store. The Boy, who played out his eligibility at the former J.C. Penney’s, will receive a personalized smock and a small signing bonus, according to his student advisor, who was not identified.
Saying that they hated to lose the Pancake Boy and his tuition, one administrator wished him luck in the future.
“Without part of a silver dollar college education the Pancake Boy could have become just another waffling bum on the street,” offered Aunt Gemela, Director of Hot Skillets at WSC, “emerged in the pettiness of his own batter. I’d say more but somebody’s got to bring home the bacon around here, if you get my drift,” she chided. “This whole situation is getting very sticky as it is.”
The pancake boy was did not return our calls on Friday morning allegedly due to his chronic inability to use a smart phone.
SHORT TAKES…
A local woman, Belle Tool, has managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism in just two weeks. She will begin editing a local paper on Tuesday.
Much respected Canon City Chef, Bart Grease, formerly a trustee of the Colorado State Penal System, is resting quietly at the Alamo Clinic after getting his hair caught in a meat grinder yesterday at Taco Heaven, a noted campus hangout. Grease promised to wear a hair net in the future when operating heavy machinery.
Accumulative point averages are not politically correct and the system of grading will be abandoned immediately according to the Dean of the Hard To Find Auto Parts Department.
Most WSC students will be on television in September due to new secret observation apparatus already installed in most dormitories. The devices are frighteningly accurate and almost impossible to detect with the naked eye.
In closing the 2022 Mountaineer Dream Date Contest has been canceled since everyone is asleep.
– Peter Principal
Freshman Class “Not Pretty”
(Gunnison) The incoming class of 2024 is not the most attractive in recent memory according to sources in the Applied Cosmetics Department at Western State.
“I wouldn’t go so far as to call the class ugly,” said one instructor who asked not to be identified, “but facially impaired is right on the money, you know with all that stuff about politically correct and all.”
The instructor went on to say that not all the kids were homely or plain-looking.
“There were a few diamonds in the rough and they know who they are,” she said. “Besides, the class, as a whole, is a hell of a lot smarter than the sophomores.”
The Western State Admissions and Subtractions has publicly apologized to the community and the rest of the student body for the state of affairs within the freshman class. One minor bureaucrat there suggested his department require current photographs of potential students with applications in the future.
“We think that the crisis has passed,” said one campus security officer as I’ve explained the logistics to my troops and they’re aware of the situation.”
Western State Security Forces are known for their aggressive philosophies on the subject of peace and quiet. Already ammunition rations have been cut back. Meanwhile clocks remain stopped all over campus.
– Gabby Haze
Goldischlocks and the Three Bears
Continued from the Honey Abyss
so that she was sitting directly across from Morgenstern, the largest of the bears, and Goldischlock’s most likely ally.
“Just because my family owns thirteen homes doesn’t mean we’re insensitive to the homeless,” cried Goldischlocks feigning damaged feelings. “Besides, I just happened by your cute little cottage by mistake while I was out looking for a place to build another strip mall.”
“I don’t believe you, little girl,” chimed in Theodora, a bear with insight beyond her tender years. “I think all you people are the same.”
“Yeah,” said Babill, the baby bear. Let’s eat the bitch!”
“Hold on, Babill,” said Morgenstern. “Let’s not get carried away. The little girl must have earned the right to own all these wonderful houses, no?”
“Actually I managed to inherit most of my wealth although I did work as a camp counselor once when I was in high school,” said Goldischlocks.
“See!” screamed Babill. “She’s just another charlatan plus she’s broken my favorite chair, eaten up all my dinner and messed up my bed.”
“I’m tired of your whining, you proletariat bruin,” sassed Goldischlocks. “Haven’t you ever heard of the divine right theory? It’s all tough skunk cabbage, sugar. You should have had the common sense to be born rich like I was or at least marry a million. It beats working and philosophizing about how things might have been.”
“That’s just about enough, you little twit,” said Theodora. “I think you had better be going before we change our minds and eat you for supper.”
“Don’t threaten me you foul smelling sow,” shot Goldischlocks. “I could have you and your whole entourage thrown out in the street tomorrow with just one phone call. If you don’t believe…”
And just later…
“Pass me a leg, will you, Morgenstern,” said Theodora.
“And I’d like another piece of white meat,” said Babill.
“There you are, baby bear. Enjoy,” said Morgenstern.
THE END
BIRD DROPPINGS – LOOK OUT BELOW!
Isn’t Life Grand
With Rufus Maxwell
With all those birds up in the sky it’s really surprising how seldom a human pedestrian gets nailed on the head or the shoulders with pasty, white bird poop. The gravity-based, new math on the subject clearly dictates that a serious number of direct hits would ultimately occur non-stop, all-day, especially at (bird) feeding times. Remaining residue common to initial research clearly indicates that a raindrop effect would emerge, wherein the moist barrage would be persistent, direct and almost continual.
The simple equation would then have to be: More birds up there = more poop down here. Now, ask three of your friends, “When was the last time you were hit by bird droppings? I’ll bet none of them can remember even one such incident. How can this be?
It only stands to reason that if x amount of poop is dropped from x amount of bird asses then x amount of the said white stuff would land on the ground. Birds can let go while in the air or in a tree but are said to prefer a quiet, restful place.
Are the birds aware that there are innocent people down below? They always seem so self-absorbed, fluttering their feathers, squawking, pecking at knits and parasites. Is it difficult to aim and execute while steering? Maybe they are elitists. Maybe they just don’t give a damn.
Are the inevitable drops some sort of a message? Are there common elements at play in these attacks? Do they exhibit anti-social tendencies? Are there indications of coordinated planning? Just how deep does this doo-doo go?
Nobody knows how many birds are flying above his head at a given locale or specific time of the day. It does not help to look up. Likewise it is impossible to count all of the birds in the trees, on the roofs of houses & barns, eclectic wires, bridges, fences, sunny lofts, shady perches, hanging feeders, neon signs and upstairs patios. Even if one succeeded in counting all of these birds he could still find a sticky sample his hat or a little white surprise on his shoulder.
Moreover, when one considers that birds spend the whole day eating seeds, insects, buds, leaves and twigs he must face the fact that the waste matter remaining must go somewhere. It is expelled and lands where it lands. The math alone would dictate more direct hits, which could lead to tasteless jokes and betting schemes similar to turkey bingo.
“We should learn from this research,” said one professor of body chemistry at WSCU, “and never go outside.”
Other more progressive voices call for calm and say that the eco-system is working for now.
“What’s the big deal?” said the source. “On an average day we probably step in a whole lot more than a little bird crap. Most birds are small but viewing a large hawk or eagle does give one a different perspective.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Isn’t life Grand is an op-ed where witless, stupid fears and opinions replace vindictive, witless, stupid, cartoon news broadcasts.
Potheads urged to take care with debris
Citizens harvesting cannabis crops in rural designate regions are firmly encouraged not to dump excesses near known migratory paths of indigenous species. Already biologists have noted that many mule deer appear slower and flocks of magpies have been getting to work later and later as they fiddle with and munch on sticky, stinky, newly caste-off buds strewn about the countryside. One can easily smell it on their breath.
What we don’t need is for our wards to get hooked on marijuana,” said one USFS spokesperson. “They’re alfalfa bill is already through the roof! These herdies are desperately hungry bastards and can gorge themselves on bales of assorted grass and other fodder when not restrained, and that’s just the undulates.
Marmots are particularly at risk in that the buds sustain them in their daily prowls while the leaves make mighty fine nests. It was recently noted that prairie dogs, existing in bar ditches from Limon to Cahone, have been putting on a little extra weight this fall. Is it anxiety over the coming winter or is it Oreos?
Colorado examines summer visa concept.
(Pinkyville) Citing overtaxed services, chronic traffic snarls, and overgrazed historical markers many elected officials here say they’ve had enough.
They are meeting this month to discuss limits and crowd control although most already threatened to limit the number of summer visitors by lottery, draw or outright restriction at the border.
“The most effective method to coordinate the flow of visitors is by requiring a visa or tourist card of some sort,” said Minnie Silverdigger of nearby Flapjack Alley, a rest area for people who enjoy being quoted in the newspapers.
Quality of life, a term rarely employed with zest just a decade ago is now on everyone’s lips.
“We need to move public opinion from lips to feet, as in kicking feet,” laughed Donte Dimmovich, of the Parrot City Dimmovitches. “Them visas won’t keep ‘em out. They’ll just sneak in from the poorly guarded fossil fuel camps in Wyoming.”
Even local chambers of commerce, often last vestiges of questionable mercantilism, have raised an eyebrow suggesting that more people could actually translate into less profits as tourists accustomed to spending money will slowly vacate these spots do to clear diminishment of the quality of life once discovered there.
“We don’t need one million mindless tourists each spending a dollar,” said a finger-wagging source in Landfill Peak. “We need one guest with a million dollars to spend,” she punctuated, referring, if not shamelessly, to the famous Mae West quote about the revolving door of potential lovers.
Opponents of the visa plan say that it is unconstitutional for any state to prohibit the migration of people to their backyards from another sovereign locales within the borders of the United States. They say that “demanding endorsements of tourists or imposing fines flits around butterfly-like within the boundaries of totalitarianism.”
Officials on the federal level have yet to comment on the proceedings and did not return our telegraph messages Thursday.
– Natalie Nightshade
