Author Archive for M. Toole

Toole Defects to Bruins

(Ridgway) Astrodynamic editor Manfred “Waterworks” O’Toole, has fled the coop, apparently preferring the company of bears to that of his fellow humans. According to a note left on his computer earlier in the week the noted scribe had “had enough” and was going to the woods “in search of some answers”.

According to a longtime co-worker O’Toole always had a thing for bears.

“He used to feed them and liked to photograph them when they weren’t looking,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, a blind proofreader employed by the San Juan Tattoo and Tofu, a publication that included  O’Toole on its payroll roster. “Some of us thought it was odd that he lived on berries and apples and liked to bury his meat, sometimes for up to a month, before consumption.”

An accomplished caver, “O’Toole claims to have explored over 400 caves in Western Colorado and New Mexico. He had begun growing out his coat in 2015 seemingly protesting the use of rubber bullets and tagging of bruins. In 2017, when more and more bears were being destroyed for their garbage raiding incursions into local towns O’Toole became a virtual recluse, rarely venturing forth from his den, located between Elk Meadows and Lake Otonawanda on Miller Mesa.

“He clearly saw the bears as the good guys and the encroaching humans as the aggressors,” said Marmotbreath. “Some people may brand him a traitor to his species but most of us around here just think he’s loco.”

According to former reporters at the paper O’Toole has experienced short-term memory loss since 1965, often not recalling simple daily routines and unable to find his car or typewriter. Sometimes he even went out into the wilderness looking for bear when even a simpleton would know that they were in town eating garbage.

“One time he wrote a scourging piece accusing the DOW of murdering all of the bears only to realize that they were safely hibernating in their caves,” said a former reporter, turned beekeeper. “We were continually coming up short here at our operation and thought maybe O’Toole was swiping raw honey for his friends in the forest. Why else would he have developed such an intense interest in what we were doing? He was hanging around all the time, asking questions and taking notes.”

Although O’Toole has done nothing illegal he has been quickly ostracized from certain segments of society such as the hoity-toity Polar Bear Lodge and the Disappointment Valley Optimists Club, an organization that he founded in 1952.

“He doesn’t seem to give a damn about anything human,” said an old friend and naturalist Suzie Compost, who is contemplating spending next summer living with Japanese Snow Monkeys (Macaques) in the Kitami Mountains.

O’Toole, who put on some 100 pounds since August, will not be harmed by authorities unless he becomes a nuisance. 

Meanwhile local wildlife experts say that calculations “were a bit premature” regarding claims that well publicized bear diversion projects had been a rousing success so far this winter. 

“We didn’t account for the fact that the bear were engaged in serious hibernation and therefore were not coming to town like in the fall,” said several biologists.

– Fred Zeppelin 

Turkeys Off Radar

(El Lay) The nation’s turkey population appear to have retreated underground, joining remnants of elk and several hundred defiant Snickers candy bars. These two groups remain in hiding even though the dangerous fall seasons have concluded.

Hunting season and Halloween, while popular with people is often stressful and detrimental for herd and chocolate victims. Thanksgiving, one dimensional and aimed right smack at foolish birds with a few hams thrown in, is clearly genocide according to poultry rights groups here.

Meanwhile Tom Avenue is empty and generally off the grid and the vibrant turkey lounges on Giblet Alley are now dark and quiet.

Local liberals, guilty over the treatment of all three groups have attempted to coax the candy bars and elk from their redoubts but with limited success. 

On a high note, Hibernation ’21 has been heralded a “breakthrough success” by the local chamber of commerce and several church groups that often pass the hat at dusk.

-Fred Zeppelin

Napoleon May Have Visited the Gunnison Valley in 1815

(Crested Butte) Deceased French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte may have visited the Gunnison Valley following his escape from exile on Elba and before his subsequent defeat at Waterloo on June 18 of that same year. On his way to Colorado in the company of French fur trappers from Quebec, the one-time Empereur des Francais may well have surveyed former French holdings recently sold to the upstart United States in 1803.

The visit, allegedly in the spring of 1815, was an attempt to lay low before returning to Europe to raise another army and march on Paris, which had fallen to his enemies in 1814. The visit was a short respite from recent defeats at Oporto, Talavera, Leipzig and Trafalgar and the disastrous invasion of Russia in 1812 where only 20,000 French soldiers, from an original force of 550,000, survived the campaign.

The totalitarian leader is believed to have either crossed the still frozen Lake Huron with his entourage or to have floated the Missouri before marching overland and linking up with the Arkansas or the South Platte. The exact route is impossible to determine since log books were written in French. After reaching what is now Colorado he crossed the mountains and visited lands to the west of his former territory that still belonged to Mexico.

 

Rare cave drawings depicting a sullen man in a tricorne hat with his hand shoved into his coat have been discovered near Parlin. Archeological digs on Tomichi Creek have netted naughty French calendars, discarded skin-tight white riding breeches, empty bottles of Champagne and several Since You’ve Bourgogne cookbooks believed to have been the property of the Emperor’s fur trapping party.

The trek, which was completed in early spring, would have put Napoleon in the north end of the Gunnison Valley sometime between 1:30 pm and 4:30 pm on May 12. After a few days of elk hunting he then proceeded southeast to New Orleans where he set sail for France.      

“Had he been privy as to the outcome of the battle of Waterloo he might have stayed here in the Rockies,” added our source. “Arthur Wellesley (The Duke of Wellington) and Gebhard von Blucher, the renown Prussian general really kicked his ass on the battlefield there and he was imprisoned for the second time on the island of St Helena where he died in 1821.”

Born in Corsica August 15, 1769 Napoleon rose from obscurity to become one of the most successful and frightening military men on the planet. Despite well documented holidays in Egypt, Italy, Spain and Portugal and clear photographic evidence (see attached picture) historians, who probably still believe the world is flat, remain skeptical as to his visit to Colorado.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Lonesome Louis

Arriving at the foot of the guillotine, Louis XVI looked for a moment at the instruments of his execution and asked Sanson why the drums had stopped beating. He came forward to speak, but there were shouts to the executioners to get on with their work. As he was strapped down, he exclaimed “My people, I die innocent!” Then, turning towards his executioners, Louis XVI declared “Gentlemen, I am innocent of everything of which I am accused. I hope that my blood may cement the good fortune of the French.” The blade fell. It was 10:22 am. One of the assistants of Sanson showed the head of Louis XVI to the people, whereupon a huge cry of “Vive la Nation! Vive la République!” arose and an artillery salute rang out which reached the ears of the imprisoned Royal family.

IDLE CU POSTS RARE ROAD WIN

(Boulder) The University of Colorado Golden Buffaloes, although home in bed with a good book, managed to sniff out an evasive road win this weekend over the a tough Cal Polygamy Deadbeat Father squad of the recently organized Indigent League. The victory, which looked out of the grasp of the CU offense, was snatched away by linebacker Omar Mohammed Ryecrust, a junior college transfer from Compton (CA).

“It was something,” said man-child coach Newt Nuhaisal-Sinus, of the Buffs, “even though we weren’t there we played a solid game.

“If we could figure out how to get on the right bus to Lincoln we might have a shot at the Nebraska Cornmuskies too,” quipped Nuhaisal-Sinus from his 17-story practice field observatory at Folsom Field. “The problem is that there are no turns, much less wrong turns from Boulder to Lincoln. Even our geography professors could drive that bus and they couldn’t find China in a pile of bamboo shoots.”

When asked about flying, Nuhaisal-Sinus replied that none of his recruits did illegal drugs.

Sources within the Big Ten told The Horseshoe that the phenomenon of an absentee road victory was really quite simple in that CU had led a charmed life for about a decade now.

“Even though they rarely beat that Big Red team they have fared well against just about everyone else,” said Red “Mercury” Malpractice, a retired referee now head of the body chemistry department at Our Lady of Aurora Community College in Commerce City. “They seem to sparkle even in those tacky black funeral uniforms with the gold trim”

Entry into the PAC-12 is not expected to affect future recruiting other than to make it more attractive. Most of the players in the 2021 class say they’d rather play Stanford than Oklahoma State.

Another spokesperson said the chalked up win could be explained mathematically.

“Remember the legendary fifth down play against Missouri a few years back?” asked Melvin Pig-Iron, a retired Pee Wee mastermind who claims to have coerced Terrell Davis into shoulder pads in 1980. 

“If you want the answer you have to multiply the square root of raw meat consumed by the Oklahoma State offensive line in a month by the number of games CU forfeited in 1997. Then you take that number and divide it by the pathetic need to beat Nebraska. You can then check your answer by turning on the Orange Bowl about every third or fourth year.

The victory will be celebrated with a riot on The Hill Friday night.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

SAN JUAN NOTES

CALLER ID OFF THREE DIGITS

(Cow Creek) Residents dependent on caller ID technology to organize their social lives have been notified that the numbers employed are off by about three digits. Already several incidents have been reported involving inappropriate responses and other negative reaction to the local communication process. In short: Before you return a call or accuse someone else of monkey business remember to subtract three from the phone number on your screen.

Callers confused with all this should just hang up and try their call again. Do not rely on your GPS!

Earlier this month Wee-Mail service was interrupted between Ohio City and Pitkin after marmots chewed through rubber bands holding the system together. It has since been repaired, the cable buried underground.

Car Alarm Freaks Bear

(Ouray) An unattended car alarm has been blamed for frightening a bruin on Main Street in this mountain town. The senseless noise reportedly scared the nomadic animal who threatened to charge several pedestrians at dusk. The ensuing confrontation resulted in bent highway signs and a slight interruption of traffic, before the bear escaped into the Oak Creek brush.

Attempts at employing simple behavior modification techniques on the probing creatures has been ineffective up till now but the use of stun guns on car alarm violators and cell phone abusers has gone quite well according to a spokesman for the city.      

Car alarms and cell phones remain illegal in Ouray County.

Already this fall more than 20 obnoxious humans have been trapped and relocated while tranquil bear watch perched in nearby trees. Humans are warned that all bear are not so peaceful. Some of the fury beasts, irritated by constipation due to a lack of berries have been quite aggressive when pressed. 

Only yesterday a Red Mountain developer from Castle Rock and his courtesan land agent were almost eaten by a protective mother bear near Ironton. Fortunately for all, the black bear did not like the taste of the prey and spit both out.

GHOST OF DAVID FRAKES DAY VISITS ELKS LODGE

(Ouray) The long deceased editor of the famous Ouray Solid Muldoon paid a visit to the Ouray Elks Lodge last night, sipping on a beer and shooting a game of pool before retreating upstairs for a weekly lodge meeting. Although newer members expressed shock at the appearance veteran Elks say it happens all the time.

“Usually the spirits stay upstairs,” said one member, “but you know how nosy those newspaper people can be.”

After the meeting Day vanished leaving those in attendance with little else to do but adjourn to the parlor.

“That’s the first meeting he’s attended in almost 100 years,” said another Elk. “I wonder if he’s planning to pay his back dues.” 

Ancient Anasazi Chuckholes Halt Work on River Road

(Ridgway) Attempts to pave the River Road between here and Ouray have met yet another glitch with the discovery of ancient Anasazi chuckholes in the path of progress.

Serious potholes exist, like washboard minefields, from Ridgway to Miller Mesa. Primary excavation, aimed at further surveying the project, revealed hundreds of these ancient apertures along the river. Further examination has exposed modular cliff dwellings hidden amid thick oak brush on the mesa to the west.

It is believed the Ancient Ones purposely constructed the chuckholes to repel invaders and collect water during dry seasons. The stretch of road will most likely be named a National Historic District Wilderness Area which means the chuckholes will stay put and motorized travel prohibited. Persons living along the road will likely be relocated to reservations in Utah.

Kareoke Security Systems Banned at Mountain Village

(Society Turn) Authorities at the Telluride Mountain Village, attempting to negotiate a left turn in traffic near here, confirmed reports that their sector would no longer tolerate kareoke security devices within the confines of that upscale settlement.

“We’ve already got a gated community and enough cops to effectively occupy Canada,” said Frank R. Flume, of the regional fire district. Why do residents feel the need for more protection? The kareoke alarms are ugly, intrusive, difficult to install and they scare the elk.

– Signel de Bushe