Author Archive for M. Toole
Hermits to host mixer
(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 2 and 3 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two day affair.
Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.
“Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”
Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.
“There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”
Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.
“We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.
Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.
We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?” – Melvin Toolski
Rockies Relocate Bull Pen to Western Slope
Mooove seen as foolhardy, reckless by league bosses
(Gunnison) The Colorado Rockies, beside themselves with the performance of the relief pitching thus far this season, have decided on the risky, yet seemingly logical relocation of their bull pen to Gunnison.
Desperate for a solution to late inning collapses, blown saves and generally poor play the team announced the changes this morning.
“We plan to bring our entire relief staff to Gunnison to be closer to the cows…and since there are so many distractions in Denver,” said High Hurdle, Director of Player Motivation. “We hope that the bull pen will thrive in a more agricultural environment. There are more cows there per capita and since the baseball program at Western State college was terminated back in the 80s, there we can always get a field for practices.
Heavy hitters in Gunnison and the surrounding area are invited to participate in the last ditch attempt to save the season.
“Come out and face our best relief pitchers and you could win a turkey or maybe even a car,” said Hurdle. “Helmets will be provided, just bring your own spikes.”
The search for competent relief staff will reportedly continue through August at which time the team will officially give up until next year.
“Hypnotism hasn’t worked, bonuses haven’t worked,” said Hurdle. “Maybe a few months commuting to the mound from Gunnison will do the trick. A little fresh air can do amazing things.”
Sources within the bovine sector in Gunnison had no comment on the matter at press time.
– Zorro DesPlants
NEWS BRIEFS
Dr. Pepper Ends Life in Clovis
(Farewell, Texas) The lifeless body of soft drink icon, Dr. Pepper, was discovered at the Enchantment Motor Court late last night after police received a anonymous tip as to a disturbance there. Eye-witnesses say gunshots were first fired at a dysfunctional pop machine and then the perpetrator allegedly turned the gun on himself.
Dead on the scene was Pepper, who gained early fame as an upbeat personality soon attaining greatness as the inspiration for a hyper cult called Peppers.
“It’s sad to think of Dr. Pepper engaged in all that dancing around about nothing,” said one resident who lives in his car next to the motel. “I wonder how many bottles of pop those people had to drink to reach such a point of euphoria?”
It was not clear why Pepper chose Clovis as the site of his bitter end. At present suicide is still illegal in New Mexico. Close associates suggest that poorly managed investments, stomach problems and disappointing romantic interludes may have led to his demise.
Response from the soft drink industry was mixed with many offering condolences to the immediate family. The more insensitive point out that he wasn’t even a real doctor. Harsh critics say he was an overbearing also-ran who “made a mockery of all that is pure and effervescent.”
Executives at Dr. Pepper itself say he will be missed. And now comes the tough job of finding a replacement from the over 4000 applications of employment received since yesterday.
“We’re looking for that special personality that can pull all the other Peppers together,” sobbed one exec and retain our share of the beverage market.” – Suzie Compost
Elves will not make good air marshals say experts
(Denver) Security officials here say plans to employ hundreds of Christmas elves as federal air marshals is a big mistake. They say the elves are lazy, corrupt, often drunk and far too short for the job.
“We need punctual, strong security personnel with enough muscle to do the job,” said Howard Ducktape, newly named security administrator at DIA, “not some pack of pathetic little clock punchers in pointy-toed shoes.”
Ducktape went on to recommend that no elves be included on any security force at the airport. He assured travelers that the formation of a professional security team, comprised of federal workers, will be in place before the start of the new year.
He said the 112-year-old “terrorist” apprehended by trainee elves yesterday was released after questioning. Apparently the retired school teacher from Cahone, whose name was not released, had attempted to board a plane to Reno with knitting needles in her carry-on. After a scuffle it became clear that the elves were no match for the grandma. Despite the fact that they had nixed the knitting needles they could do little to restrain her. Finally she surrendered to National Guardsmen on the scene.
“She had nothing but praise for everyone, which is typical of little old ladies,” said Ducktape. “It makes me sick.”
To show there are no hard feelings the former teacher is said to be busy knitting afghans for everyone.
Wild Horses Get Life on the Range
(Maybell) Herds of wild horses roaming the open spaces here have been given a reprieve and stay of execution due to budgetary limits imposed by the Bureau of Land Management. The agency, which often destroys wild horses to control the flourishing herds and protect domestic stock, cannot afford to kill the beasts due to operational cutbacks and severe layoffs amid the shadow war against domestic adversaries and a plethora of sovereign countries.
“We have instead rescinded the sentences imposed to a life sentence on the open range,” boasted an advisory board within the Department of the Interior.
No new roundup of the wild horses is slated until at least October.
Although no one actually expects the animals to comply with the judgment, the horses will be confined to an area of not more than 4000 square miles extending from northwest Colorado to southern Wyoming and eastern Utah. All previous transgressions on the part of the herds will be forgiven based on good behavior and compliance with the newly imposed code of ethics.
A one-toed, hoofed spokesman within the herd did not return our phone calls Thursday.
– Earl MacAdoo
Rolled Up Street Injures Silverton Man
(San Juan de Las Montanas) They really do roll up the streets around here in the winter. Ask Marvin Tinkleholland of Silverton who was recently hospitalized in Durango following a head-on collision with 13th Street here Thursday night.
Tinkleholland, a sailboat mechanic, was returning from a friend’s house at about 8 pm when he was caught up by the diminishing street. Town crews had no time to react and could only watch and wait as Tinkleholland went round and round. The startled man had no choice but to go with the flow to avoid further injury. Finally, when the street was completely rolled up, he was extracted by emergency medical technicians and driven to the Saint Roscoe’s Hospital in nearby Howardsville.
“He was handling matters quite well until he was hit by a stubborn curb at the intersection of Blair Street,” said one EMT. “I really don’t understand all the fuss. This kind of thing happens everyday up in Gladstone.”
Tinkleholland was cheated and released the next morning. He had only recently recovered from bruises received during the infamous Running of the Bullshit in Ouray in back in November.
“We have published our street rolling up schedule and crews have been asked to exercise extreme caution in their daily chores,” said one Silverton town council member. “People have to do the rest. They know that dusk can be a dangerous time, especially with all the snow. We suggest that they limit evening strolls to Greene Street which is not rolled up until midnight.”
– Uncle Pahgre
One National Forest is Enough, Trump-O-Mattic Congress Concurs
(Washington) Sources within the Tycoon Administration confirmed rumors that it is making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Western Colorado or Utah.
Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be used to produce weaponry. Then, after the picnic tables and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated to strategic hamlets, the pseudo neocons can get on with the business of “natural resource management.”
The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, which include Vice President Junior Vance and others who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for bags of gold, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.
“Maybe we’ll just turn entire states into parks,” said one MAGA boy. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” he said. “If it’s Colorado we’ll just cut all federal funding. We’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the federal highways are already going to seed so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing, too much access or plowing them under for the rural effect.”
Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America (formerly deported) may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”
“I just don’t see a problem,” offered a Trump enthusiast. “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls already up and running. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and Orange Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2029,” said the spokesman. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”
A plan is already in the works that would show repetitious footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.
Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary component. Proponents say that does not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.
“Then our allies can come in and mop up just like they’re doing all over the planet. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to the mindless pursuits of survival. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a Constitutional amendment to stretch the current clown show dynasty into 16 years instead of 12”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
