Author Archive for M. Toole

Free Mail Box Day in Ouray

(Dexter Creek Annex) September 31 has been dubbed Free Post Office Box Day in Ouray according to a spokesman for the post office here. The concept, aimed at educating the populace as to the proper and responsible use of an in-house mail reception box, does carry some restrictions.

Any resident of Ouray can apply for the gratis box in person between the hours of 8:30 and 4:40 daily and between 9 am and 11:30 am on Saturday. It is necessary to fill out an information form detailing personal data. Since there is no mail delivery in the city, people residing here are exempt from an annual fee. However, any current users must complete the said form on an annual basis or risk losing privileges. PS: Don’t forget your key.

That’s why they call it red, Fred

Red Mountain snapped from Brown Mountain in the San Juans

Take your libido to work day “abject disaster”

(Pea Green)) The first-ever exploratory, employee-sponsored Career Jamboree has reportedly failed in all projections and will be dropped in 2023. 

“This was a social disaster peppered with inappropriate behavior and gossip, girl-boy shenanigans and the running of 30 mouths,” said Natty Redde who does cowgirl beadwork and was invited to the jamboree with her libido and well-behaved her dog, Sherker, who holds an advanced degree in canine tonsorial relations and likes to swim in rivers completely naked.

“In had a blast!” Redde said. “We didn’t bring Sherker’s libido because it had jumped the fence and tore up the neighbor’s laundry and bit the local policeman.”

The riling and vexatious event came together when leading office predators, including the Clown Administrator, were away on an illegal voting machine vacation in Grand Junction.

The Administrator, in keeping with her landmark statement, she did not elaborate further.

“I don’t play golf to get better. I play to keep from getting any worse.”   – Babe Toole

Locally Composted Astrograph

If your birthday is today you have the right to remain solvent. Anything you say may be used against you in a quart of law. In addition, you have the right to your opinion. If you cannot afford such, one will be provided for you. Any quick movements such as reaching for your wallet to show ID, blinking your eyes and/or breathing may be construed as a threat to the arresting officers and you may be shot. Happy birthday and enjoy your freedoms.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Tin men and Scarecrows have the skinny on the subject of Cowardly Lions, but they are afraid to speak up. Spice up your life plan by driving over into the next county this weekend. Adventure awaits. Trust your instincts. With all those cows lounging around there’s no need to go hungry. Cattle rustling has entered the sacred realm of the dead language unless your blood alcohol level is over the limit.  You may find yourself shocked by man’s inhumanity to lunch meat and processed cheeses. Get over it. Tonight: Starting malicious fires is a felony.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Garden fairies will offer split pea soup in the afternoon. Watch out for finger food in the evening. Lowered expectations could raise eyebrows in some circles. A square deal may have a damaging escape clause. Sphere chukkas use back door. A lover’s triangle will exclude you at first but be patient as openings will occur from thyme to thyme. Diamond’s are a girl’s best friend. Putting a square peg in a round hole is merely an expression. Tonight: Now there’s a wall that’s just crying out for graffiti.  

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Too much hobnobbing can turn a person stone blind, but don’t despair. The loss of one sense will only increase the capacity of the others. If you intend to embrace mistakes at least make them silly mistakes. Check your blood sugar every 3,000 smiles. Always signal before changing attitudes. Time is far better spent in front of a mirror than in front of a firing squad. Trust what you see and only part of what you hear, especially when accompanied by a West Cork brogue. Tonight: Do something nice for erotic fish.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22) 

Sorry, your sign has been shipped to the Third World where wages are more in line with corporate thinking. The general rule of thumb is most notably determined by where one happens to stick it. There may be times today when you say too much and other times when you say too little. Why not just shut up altogether and give someone else a chance to access themselves? All the whining in the world will not produce the antidote for sour grapes. Tonight: Mascara stains highlight your third eye. 

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Stop making excuses for the shape of your head. Your white bread world is about to be invaded by whole wheat liberalism. Vital statistics escape you in the early morning. Romantically speaking your charm could lure the Scorpio right out of his shell but getting him back in could present a problem. Limit weekends to three days. A fool and his money don’t generally amount to much. If you stay on top you won’t be plagued by bottom feeders. Tonight: Quell house plant disturbances before retiring.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Just because someone earns more than you and occupies a more prestigious position than you doesn’t mean they are better than you, although the probability is likely. Examine the advantages to bouncing personal checks. When following a hunch be careful not to rear-end yourself on the process. With Mercury, the planet of the mind, retrograde in the rear-view mirror you may want to yield. No, honey, it’s too late for an Easter egg hunt. Tonight: Swelling should abate by dark.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

With a little detective work you could end up in jail. When all about you are losing their heads, change political affiliation. Let a smile be your granola. Although seriously lacking on the depth charts your ability to embrace the surface could keep you out of the hole through the 14th. Stand in line, make a reservation, enlist today – be an integral part of something special no matter how vague your dedication. You are only human, so please stay the hell out of first class or we’ll throw you off the plantain. Tonight: Launder security blankets.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

A romance could be kindled if only you had a light. Making a favorable impression may be aiming a bit too high. Why not settle for charitable coexistence. Truckling, groveling, kowtowing and cringing are not necessarily an end in themselves but rather a means to an end. Tokens of respect seldom work in the gum-ball machines of outrageous fortune. The narcissist does not toss and turn before sleep. A carp in wolf’s clothing is slimy and serves no apparent purpose. Tonight: Reject lucrative-sounding phone solicitations during daytime dramas. 

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Wearing your heart on your sleeve could get messy. Wearing your parachute upside down could be worse. There’s nothing retro about a good polka. Contemplate the historical significance if perchance Custer had checked his E-Mail before the Bighorn. What if Chief Joseph had been on-line? Does Fidel have a cell phone? Did Mark Twain automatically a card carrying Good Sam? How many Beanie Babies are enough? A complacent man makes a better target. Tonight: Secure in one’s own madness. 

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Making money always takes a back seat (pew) to matters of the spirit especially on Sunday mornings when people are watching. Get permission before thinking for yourself. Modesty needs no amplification but a big mouth is for everyone. Don’t let a tiny mind keep you out of the big time. Living in denial could be better than living in Utah. Endeavor to create a healthy mix of will power and won’t power. You are a scale model of perfection albeit the watered down version. Tonight: Sink or swim.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Tip the executioner but never, under any circumstance, pay the band up front. Don’t take anyone too seriously today especially yourself. Avoid someone else’s stress by keeping the blinders firmly about you. Take the initiative and a hasty retreat. Face the facts: You can’t afford luxuries such as canned soup and pasta. If your credit card limit is larger than your posterior you still have lots of shopping in you. Your fluid imagination has made a nest inside your checkbook. Tonight: Induce vomiting.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You are certainly a farce to be reckoned with. Never overestimate the power of personal contact. In conflicts regarding elbow room try to land on your feet. Don’t get too involved in the matters of today until tomorrow. A sleeping dog catches the worms. You are not misunderstood, you are disliked. Things aren’t really as bad as you may think but they could get worse before morning. Keep and open mind and a closed agenda. Tonight: There’s brilliance in solitude.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, alchemist, dog-handler, pawn of the elements, conjurer of friendly spirits

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism 

by those who have not got it.”

– George Bernard Shaw

DOW Nailed in Hibernation Conspiracy

(Gunnison) Rogue elements of the Colorado Division of Wildlife have been charged in connection with an alleged plot to drastically change animal behavior in the state. According to an ongoing investigation, several DOW officers have actively engaged in bullying, sleep deprivation techniques, antler boarding  and brainwashing in an attempt to convince deer and elk to hibernate or at least “make themselves scarce during the long winter months.

The unnamed suspects were reportedly put on work release with pay as of Friday.

Only last week officials within the squeaky clean organization stumbled across reeducation camps in San Juan and Ouray Counties and a large mass meeting site here, just north of town. Upon entering the camps DOW bosses expressed shock and dismay at radical methods employed such as forced tagging operations, constant bombardment by bad country music, harassment by aircraft and the separation of fawns from their mothers. The general living conditions were described as “deplorable”.

“They kept up the propaganda assault for the entire time we were there,” said Roxanne Rabbit, a high ranking official within the agency. “They tagged the entire herd and almost tagged me too and, to add insult to injury the animals were fed nothing but hay and water and were housed outside with no blankets with only small clusters of aspen trees for protection against the elements.”

Rumors circulating this camp suggest the employment of scare tactics such as the introduction of predators and broadcasts of weaponry discharging. The animals are in fragile shape according to another officer.

“While the concept of hibernation is not unlawful or immoral the deployment of such ruthless tactics shows a disdain for the beasts,” said the clearly shaken source.

Nothing in DOW regulations calls for, encourages or condones instructing mammals to abandon ancient instinctual patterns indigenous to a particular species.

“We don’t want the bear running around howling like coyotes or the badgers crashing skulls like Dahl sheep,” said Rabbit. “We have enough chaos in the forests with people all over the place without tainting our four-legged wards. I say leave them alone. Let the wolves be the wolves and the elk be the elk!”

As most readers already realize, fur-bearing animals hibernate during winter months while herd animals stay awake so as to eat sagebrush, be attacked by hungry mountain lions and run in front of vehicles during the colder months. 

“The deer and elk don’t need that much sleep and the entire program is a misuse of public funds,” said Rabbit. “One mounting concern has us focused on a shortage of caves. Where are they supposed to rut? What if they oversleep and miss the spring migration?”

Rabbit added that the deer and elk cannot possibly put on enough weight to subsist through the winter without a snack or two. 

“Even if they ate from non-stop from now until December they wouldn’t have much in reserve. They are far too hypersensitive and anxious,” she explained. “Sure, it might be a relief for us if we knew for sure that the deer and elk were fast asleep in their beds all winter but that just wouldn’t be natural. This whole seasonal progression was well entrenched before we took over. Before you know it these madmen  will be calling for trout to fly and eagles to play the flute.”

– Lawrence Elk

“I make used to make five bucks an hour working with emotionally disturbed children  while some other guy was knocking down three million for scooping up grounders and throwing them to first base.” – Melvin Toole, on the subject of baseball strikes and investment portfolios

Utopia Mart Opening Saturday

(Montrose) A retail outlet promising eternal bliss is slated to open its doors this weekend. Offering consumers everything from dill pickles to breathing machines Utopia Mart expects to control a chunk of the consumer tide in just about a month.

“They even have people that will chew your food for you,” said one credit card enthusiast who has been camped out in the parking lot since June.

“Everything you could ever need to live a full life,” said another unhinged consumer, “and the pharmacy is nothing short of shoplifting…I mean uplifting.”  

“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.” 

– Edward Abbey