Author Archive for M. Toole

Fumar cigarros no es un pasatiempo

(Moline) La práctica o el hábito de fumar cigarros no merece el estatus de pasatiempo según el Consorcio de Entretenimiento Marginal y Diversión de América del Norte aquí. El comité, integrado por personas sin nada más que hacer en todo el día, revocó una decisión anterior tomada en marzo y reportada por este diario.

Durante una reunión cargada de emociones, varios defensores de fumar cigarros se encendieron y luego salieron furiosos del salón.

La votación final de 5-0 se negó a reconocer el tabaquismo como un pasatiempo legítimo. En una acción posterior, el grupo dio un giro brusco sobre el estado de la filatelia, que también se consideró egoísta y perezoso hace casi tres meses.

“No hay nada obsceno en colocar sellos en un álbum de recortes y luego olvidarse de ellos”, dijo el grupo. “Es la vigilancia constante y los métodos de adquisición lo que preocupa al organismo calificador

Como era de esperar, el anuncio eludió los comentarios sobre el uso de pegamento para aviones en lugares cerrados y el cultivo de hierbas peligrosas. No se espera una dura respuesta por parte de los cigarros y la Hermandad Nacional de Humidores hasta finales de esta semana.

– Bess Boca Pequeña

Neanderthal-Denisovia Expected to join NATO

This tiny flute-growing republic has been part of Germany, Poland, Russia, Lithiuania and served as a regional capital during the Weiner Bun Republic (1922-28). Wedged between Strix Occidental and and the slaphappy Helicopactor Pylori Range, Neanderthal-Denisovia often engages in mad carnivals mimicking the sexual behavior of spotted owls on stomach bacteria statins. Most residents ethnically resemble Athabascans and some what ain’t. They are linked idiomatically to persons from Riverhead, New York. 

Famous Neanderthals

Three-armed fireballer Jack “Jake” Jakey

Abandoned by his pack during childhood this half Neanderthal, half Denisovian literally clawed his way up the pitching rotation of several standout clubs competing in the newly-formed Hominidae League. Then out of nowhere some 28,000 years ago the stadiums emptied and the Neanderthals, as if caught stealing third, disappeared.

Jack Jake Jakey, who demands his entire name be used in any reference to him in print, is best known for a quote lost to the ages: “You call us archaic. You think we live in a cave? It is you that have designated hitting and defensive shifts destroying the purity of the game.”

Marjorie Bear in the Window:   First college grad in 1969

A teen who claimed to have discovered fire, Marjorie, despite no credentials whatsoever was elected to a powerful tribal office by fellow Neanderthal nitwits. She passed no legislation and was a completely disruptive influence on the floors of Congress. Later after the headlong pressures, monumental expectations and the mental anguish of a four-year major in sociology a Marjorie went on to found a chain of rent-to-own stores all over the Great Basin.

Aliens abscond with Senate, House, most of Court

(Washington DC) Members of both Houses and several supreme justices were kidnapped during the final culmination of a particularly boring hearing on dog parks on federal lands in the Capital this morning. 

The justices were grabbed first and then forced to watch the juvenile shenanigans in the Senate before being disrobed and taken to comfort zones for reeducation and a forced return to the peasant way of life in the countryside.

Mitch “KY Jelly” McConnell appears crushed beneath the machinery of his own iniquitous schemes. The highly iconic, often colonic McConnell  was the victim of the sophisticated McConnell Shift, employed with great alacrity by the opposition. 

Everyone knows Mitch can’t hit the cutter, or the slider either. He looks like he is about to break into tears at any moment and yet here he is…in power.

It’s like selling one’s soul to the devil without asking for a receipt,” said one senate page of the entire ordeal.

“They all look the same to us,” laughed one kidnaping intruder from another world… “like a bunch of greedy old white men, mostly” said one confused galactic kidnapper, whatever that is.”

The politicians were whisked away after undergoing brain reassignment surgery (over in Maryland) and a new wardrobe according to decoded messages intercepted by ham radio operators outside Parlin, Colorado. Since a majority were already enrolled in one witness protection program or another, a bureaucratic nightmare was averted. 

No official randsom has been discussed.

-Small Mouth Bess

In other news 

Rats Outnumber Residents in Trump Apartments

“No, I said the rodents were making strides,” stressed billionaire Jared Rat. “and residents expected them to take over daily operations by 2023. Why must you crucify us. We are just trying to make a profit.”

The building, owned by members of the family, is a sacred testament to the business savvy of ex-politician, Donald J Trump.

Rock Soup

I hate work. I love play. Give me money. Bert, Blind Box 75, Mañana West.

Hunters discovering marijuana plants in the Edith Bunker National Forest are asked to keep it to themselves. Look for the Union Label and thanks a heap! Western Colorado Hemp Producers Union #299.

1000 Hunting camp recipes from Guinness Stout, recycled ground venison and powdered ketchup substitute. Send $15 to San Juan Horseshoe, Box 913, Montrose, CO 81402. Do it before January 1, 2000 and we’ll throw in a year’s subscription to Bon Apartheid Magazine.

Win Catsup for life! Dial8 and hold it.

Get on the right side of the bun with flame-changing cheeseburger futures. Frankfurter investments, Wimpton Plaza. 

Can’t get enough beef? Try Mel’s Steak Flavored Chewing Gum. An impressive dining extension for the carnivore and the perfect gift for the vegetarian who misses the taste of a juicy rib-eye. Low in cholesterol…high in fiber! Now available in bulk in your grocer’s freezer. Buy enough for the whole year while the price is right.

Career Opportunity! Man needed to deliver small packages in Sapinero. Full time position. Nothing larger than your head. Tanya’s Trucking, behind the billboard. No Irish.

Well-groomed Picador needed for afternoon work. No Moors. San Miguel Tavern, Cordoba, Andalusia.  

Kama Sutra Bottle/Can Opener. Over 1000 positions guaranteed. $39.95 postpaid. Blind boxer 4.

Known Terrorist Trading Cards. All of your favorite Jihad pals plus an assortment of Oil Company Executives, Emirs, Presidents and Corporate Collaborators. View our most recent assortment where you buy Mel’s Steak-Flavored Chewing Gum.

Tablecloth for sale. Used only once during entire Spanish Civil War. $300 obo. Fran Franco, Canary Islands.

Kids! Turn in your parents and win a free trip to Disney World. You’ll fly via DARE AIRLINES to sunny Florida and spend three glorious days riding all the rides, playing war video games, eating burgers and fries, drinking all the pop you want and attending light indoctrination seminars put on by police cadets your very own age. Won’t that be awesome! Just call your local police department and report your parents for any infraction from the ever-growing list of new laws made for your safety and our protection. Sorry: We no longer honor the popular Turn In Your Parrots Program in Sectors 45 and 46.

Non-alcoholic martinis! Too true to be good? Call 5 and hold it.

Donate your old teeth and gain lucrative tax enhancement. Impacted molars, lost fillings, dentures recycled free. Rutte’s Canal, Almont Triangle.

Don’t wait! Reserve a Memorial Barstool today! Donate that special spot to a special friend. Stools are going fast. Silver plaque with name of deceased, announcements, short ceremony and one round included in purchase price. Pyres and personalized ash trays slightly extra. Free estimates too. Testosterone Brothers Funeral Accessories and Diversions, Sawpit. For eternal plotting please call our real estate division in Kabul.

Catch a ride on a tumbleweed! Freshly netted specimens to fit every diet or masterplan. Will also buy water rights all over the West so as to float loans on subdivisions. Oil and Tobacco Ltd., Wink, Texas.

Have those greedy men in vests and cigars shipped your job to a Third World country? Don’t despair…We will regroove you to fill an exciting position in the fast food industry. Some management positions exist for the spunky. Call Lame Duck Training Films, Watergate Apartments, Warshington, USSA.

Vagabond trees wanted for Blue Mesa landscaping experiment. Must be mobile and free to work weekends. Put some roots down. Good pay, regular watering and benefits package. Send resume to Suzie Compost, 2986 Fertilizer Square, Vulcan, CO.

Yard Sale: Bamboo cereal bowls, living lunch meat, propane mole protectors, uneaten airline food, complete collection of Afghani rap music, gallons of unused IRS repellent, bait. No sales before 2 am. Manana Roundabout.

Desperately searching for the heart of the Republican Party in Western Colorado. Will settle for any indication of same. Impossible? Dial 5. Note: We found the heart of the Democratic Party and it is yet to beat. You too can help put livestock in the White House in 2001. Paid for by Rastafarians for Mondale, 23456 Anarchist Bench, Manana Rendering Complex.

NOTICE TO ADVERTISERS: As of June the San Juan Horseshoe will no longer recognize excuses such as “The cat missed the box” and “My grandmother died and was buried with the checkbook” as accepted exemptions for not purchasing display advertising. Furthermore we in no way condone, forgive, pardon or exonerate individuals who fail to embrace the merits of scopic expenditures in this vein. Please be prepared for our representatives who will be visiting your domain in the immediate future. Our marketing experts are available 24 hours per day: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net. Consultations include a full Irish breakfast.

Franz Klammer Lodge seeks double/twin. We need a person or persons who seriously resemble Franz for promotionals, personal appearances, stunts. If you think you qualify send photo and brief resume to Franz Klammer Lodge, Telluride. No drug store skiers need apply. 

Land on the Moon! 40 and 80 acre tracts. You saw what happened to Western Colorado. Invest today. Catastrophe Realty, Wimpton.

Kenya Tango? Summer classes now forming. 2988 Indian Massacre Highway next to Khadafy’s Karaoke. Wimpton. No Irish.  

Are National Forests Communist? Send me $5 and I’ll give you all of the predictable capitalist jargon. Charley Horse, Cimarron.

For sale: Lemon street sweeper. Effective on citrus dust and palm droppings. Needs hydraulic pump and an oil change. Should last 100 years. $25,000. City of Ouray.

Persons caught throwing debris in an around the Edith Bunker National Forest and the Petrified Tourist Greenbelt will be excluded from all Fourth of July celebrations. – The Three Bruins

May is National Make Your Bed Month. Get to it.

DeLila McQueen: Hobnobbing is far better than you think. Remember last year when you saved your heart from the compost heap, your soul from dandelion fluff only to be imprisoned in a cask of French Champagne? Willow Swamps Willy.

Jesus is your answer! Jesus Romero Landscaping, Lawn Care and Pool Maintenance. In the Jello Pages.

Unemployed Census Workers. We have challenging positions counting lichen at Baffin Bay, the Beaufort Sea and in summer resorts along the Dew Line. Must be compatible with polar bear and tundra. Send resume to Polly Pureheart, Bureau of Census and Sensibilities, Ottawa. 

The Cal Polygamy Mobile Culture Wagon is presenting its continuing corpse on Prehysteric America to all recovering teachers in June at Oxford-On-Tomichi campus. College accreditation to the first 50 applicants. Send transcripts to Free Range Education, W Mountain.

To the man who shoves pigeons down the front of his trousers in downtown Cork: You can keep my cigarette lighter. Mr. Murphy.

Bible quotes for any occasion, computer virus cures on the spot, mustache trimming, catering. Rev Phillip Pharisee, Montrose.

Flea Market seeks host/carry-out for summer. Parasite and drug free. Home of the Blues. No Irish.

Self-Guided tours of the San Juans, Elks, West Elks. $250. Belle Toole Ventures, Box 1209, Ouray. $300 with 2-martini sack lunch and hot springs tour. Blonded.

IN THE SNOOZE…

Gates runs through water like water

(Seattle) Bill Gates’ Lake Washington mansion here used 4.7 million gallons of water last year, enough to one flush by every one of Seattle Public Utilities’ 1.3 million customers. A spokesman for the Microsoft billionaire said Gates expressed surprise and promised to be more conservative this year.

     In drought-ridden Seattle the Gates mansion boasts a 60-foot swimming pool, a sauna and indoor-outdoor spa. His actual bill for water in 2000 was $24,828. Groundskeepers say they suspect that most of the scarce commodity went for irrigation and a heating/cooling system.

     “At least he doesn’t have tropical fish,” said a public utilities employee. “If they just cut back 10 percent it would supply water to six homes in the area.”

Graffiti painter killed by train

Special from the AP

(New York) A 29-year-old man spray painting graffiti on the inside of a Brooklyn subway tunnel apparently was struck and killed by a train early Saturday, police said. At least three trains may have passed over the man’s body, they added.

     The man, Hector Ramirez, was found dead at 7 am on the track in the southbound tunnel on the F and G lines a short distance from the Bergen Street Station. 

Drug gets up the nose of sleeping policeman

Special from the London Daily Telegraph

     A police officer has won more than $12,000 payout after exposure to cannabis plants left him with a chronic snore which affected his relationship with his wife.

     Detective Inspector Brian Baker’s nose was permanently damaged by the dust from plants after he spent four days in a police drug storeroom. He was cataloguing drugs in a walk-in safe as insists the plants were not dried properly exposing him to fumes. He experienced breathing problems shortly afterwards.

     His statement of claim said: “He suffers from nasal congestion and sniffing together with a whistle of his nose, snoring and some diminution of his sense of smell. His snoring causes matrimonial disharmony.”

     Baker claimed that he should have been issued protective clothing and that the cannabis should have been kept in sealed containers. He will reportedly spend the money on a holiday in Newcastle.

Pirate Treasure Nets Expected Booty

(Crete) A wreck laden with what was thought to be a maharajah’s treasure came up a bit short with an Irish salvage team finding only eye patches. The ship had been boarded then sunk by marauding pirates in 1837.

     It has never been clear where the $40 million in gold ended up but this discovery indicates that the pirates may have buried it nearby. A second team of divers is expected to attempt to reach further cargo for a London insurance company later this month. 

     The vessel is thought to have been carrying treasure belonging to Sir Jagarit Singh, Maharajah of Kapurthala who was sending it to his harem in Punjab. The ship sank in 10,000 feet of water making a complete salvage unlikely.

Tree falls, hurts 29 at Disneyland

(Anaslime, CA) A giant tree toppled over at Disneyland Friday injuring a host of visitors and several employees. No one was seriously injured when the tree fell in Frontierland landing first on a food wagon.

     Insiders refused to comment on the accident saying that the tree, like the acres of orange groves mowed down to build the theme park’s many parking lots, should have been cut down decades ago.  

     Unreliable sources here were quick to point the finger in the direction of certain disenfranchised cartoon characters who prowl the grounds at will often menacing visitors and sometimes even extorting money.

      Incidents of violence are on the rise as summer approaches and cartoon characters in Southern California continue to overpopulate themselves. Most are hostile to family planning. Police plan a full investigation

“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings by Conor Sturgeon, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

“Manchurian Candidate” Shown by GOP?

(Montrose) The 1962 film, The Manchurian Candidate, starring Laurence Harvey and Frank Sinatra this 1962 is currently showing at local theaters. 

The storyline follows as several former prisoners return home following the Korean War and, although they were all brainwashed one standout has an altogether different agenda. Is he a spy? Has he become a traitor or a robot?

Despite up-tech remake in 2004, starring Denzel Washington, the original, less flashy film retains a following. It’s questions are still pertinent today. It carries a warning that a constitutional republic is not free and must be constantly defended from those who seek to steal our rights. Oddly enough it is sponsored by the local Republican Party.

According to persons familiar with Istanbul, a several boxes were delivered via Turkey (and giblet dressing) directly to one Vladimir Putin in sustainable code, but the Russians (idiots with nuclear weapons) have never successfully decoded anything…therefore no crime has been committed. Say what? They insist that Trump did no such thing and that the boxes were filled with red neckties and Christmas cookies for poor children in Red Square. 

When pressed, one high-ranking Russian diplomat said he’d never heard anything about blackmail or sexual deprivation mentioned in the Trump dossier.

“We didn’t need to be underhanded or even clever in dealing with Mr. Trump,” he smiled. “The word around the Kremlin was that he was easily manipulated by simple flattery.”

The point? If you still can’t see that a New York confidence man has flim-flammed your ass then maybe you should go out and sleep in the camper.

For more on this turn to Telluride’s Gay Neighborhoods Get a New Coat of Paint in “Money Talks”