Author Archive for M. Toole

Los huesos antiguos no son lo que parecen

(Gunnison) Lo que al principio parecían ser los huesos de un guerrero Anasazi, resultó ser nada más que galletas petrificadas y salsa según los arqueólogos aquí. La excavación, centrada en un acre ahora prohibido del W Mountain Complex, continuará durante otros cinco años con la esperanza de descubrir más.

Los científicos, que han estado extrayendo cuidadosamente las piezas del rompecabezas del suelo rocoso de arriba, no se vieron frustrados por los hallazgos del laboratorio.

“Nos hemos acostumbrado a las frustraciones aquí en el campo”, dijo un excavador. “¿Por qué el año pasado en Delta pensamos que habíamos exhumado una antigua planta de conservas Ute, pero resultó ser un Plymouth de 1947 abandonado?”.

Fuentes de la Western State University insisten en que la excavación continúe y agregan que los artefactos dan crédito a las teorías de que los anasazi no podían manipular los niveles de colesterol y que, en resumen, generalmente comían todo lo que se cruzaba en su camino y algo que no.

 Aunque la calidad y el sabor de las galletas y la salsa no se conocerán hasta que se complete el informe del laboratorio, aquí se conjetura que los Antiguos hicieron sus propias galletas de suero de leche y prepararon una especie de salsa de raíces, leche de búfalo y los excesos de ahumado. embutido.

“Qué primitivo”, dijo un arqueólogo.

Después de un examen primario, el contenido de la salsa parece coincidir con la consistencia de un mortero de trinchera favorito utilizado para construir el Cliff Palace en Mesa Verde. Esta teoría también será objeto del informe de laboratorio.

“Una dieta regular como esta puede llevarnos a respuestas que nos han eludido en el pasado”, dijo un científico, “y determinar de una vez por todas la desaparición real de toda una civilización”.

Se pide a los turistas que se mantengan alejados del sitio de excavación hasta alrededor de 2040.

– Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole

US Constitution to Appear on Talk Show Circuit

(El Lay) The United States Constitution, with its sidekick the Bill of Rights, will appear on a host of television and radio talk shows in an attempt to remind Americans of its continuing saga and surprising survival after over two centuries of coordinated attacks by government and corporate interests. 

     Promoters of the tour de resistance say the exposure will insure that the document is not entirely discarded by these control groups in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on a plethora of night shows on July 25 and the following afternoon. It will travel to the Conan O’Brien Show on July 30 and pay a quick visit to the Jimmy Kimmel program on July 31.

     Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due to the same-old-song of Presidential candidates and a right-of-center Supreme Quart which has grown hostile to individual rights. Many expect the exposure to fare well for the documents even though the television audiences would probably prefer to see a pretentious actress in a short skirt or a bumbling sportsman with gold chains and a winning smile.

     “We may see the Constitution chat with Ellen DeGeneres, Maury Povich and even Jerry Springer if that’s what it takes to get the point across,” said Melvin Toole, of the Liberty Coalition which is staffed by bored liberals with nothing much to do.

     Toole, himself of daily constitutionals, boasts a proud history in matters of innovative speculation, his great-great grandfather having been invited to sign the Declaration of Independence back in 1776. Sadly the elder Toole was preoccupied with boozing, gambling and illicit women and missed the meeting at which the pronouncement was inked. Citing “irreconcilable circumstances” he then asked that the entire signing be restaged (so as to include him) only to be angrily shouted down by more polished members of the standing gallery.  

     “The old fellow did manage to autograph a tattered scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” said Toole. “Later in 1804 he signed the much maligned Victoria Regina Ordinance which paved the way for French Canadians to compete in intercollegiate athletics.”

     Joining the Constitution and the (Just call me) Bill of Rights on the talk shows will be the Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah Combo and the Magna Carta Dancers.  

− H. L. Menoken

Crested Butte Stamp to Honor Coal Miners

     Residents of this high country town will have a chance to reflect on pioneer history next week when a new stamp recognizing the contributions of the coal mining era is set to be released. First Day of Issue souvenirs will be available at the post office on Elk Avenue that afternoon.

     The stamp, issued in a 60-cent denomination features a black lump of coal against a solid black background.

     “It looks like a square from a checkerboard, only smaller, or an ink splotch left to dry,” said one man in already anxious to procure the stamp. “It’s a little too black but I guess that’s the symbolism of it all, or maybe it’s abstract art, a glimpse of our night sky minus the stars.”

     Critics say the stamp is surely to be misunderstood by much of the populace which often cannot distinguish between black and white. They say wildflowers or mountain bikes would have been better.

     Another stamp design depicting the early days of skiing is in the works as well. The completely white piece features a close-up photograph of snow taken in January. Created to offset the solid black stamp, it too will hold a value of 45 cents.

     In 1877 troops loyal to Parlin warlord Lloyd Woodrose Harlan discovered the East River Valley and immediately began constructing a ski area. Hours later, while digging for lift poles they discovered massive beds of anthracite and bituminous coal. Giving up his plans of conquest Harlan ordered his army to dig several drift tunnels and retired to the bar for the remainder of the afternoon. Later his rightful heir Beau the Simple discovered snowmaking and the reality, that notably many of us now enjoy, emerged.

     Postal officials hope that funds collected for these stamps help bail them out at least until next month. Public input on these developments is not particularly welcome.

− Sherry Creeke

Horseshoe seeking verbs, adjectives

(Mañana) The San Juan Horseshoe, the only known virtual reality publication still in existence, has begun its annual drive to acquire new verbs and adjectives, as well as a few good participles before the trade deadline of March 15. Unlike last year adjectives should demand the highest market prices followed by dangling participles, multi-syllable verbs and proper nouns. Common nouns, articles and adverbs have flooded the market causing a glut and subsequently lower prices. They are not expected to draw much attention due to their perishable nature and chronic misuse.

     Persons wishing to procure any of the aforementioned articles of speech should do so in compliance with existing sentence structure and the laws of grammar and good taste. All prospective verbs and adjectives are over 21 and have a clean criminal record. Some have experience while others are illiterate and must be formatted before use.  

Team Garbage Leaves Town

Principles at Team Garbage have allegedly absconded with two backhoes, a signature 5-speed Henway and assorted petty cash according to flies on the scene. The refuse collection package offered service to the elite wherein their garbage would be dropped in more desirable locations within the landfill schematic. Appealing to snobbishness and boredom the designer garbage industry would have to wait for now, as the wealthy concern themselves with regional consuming so as to create more local garbage.

We had interviewed one former client, known around here as simply “Ego”.

“They never came by the restaurant when they promised they would,” he said. “They would pull the garbage truck up into our parking lot at dinner hour and leave it idle,” he snorted. Their drivers would arrive unannounced demanding payment and helping themselves to the back bar while they glared at diners and waited  impatiently for their money,” he raged.

Team Trash says Ego owes them $450,000 for services rendered from 2020 – 2021.

“You don’t want your trash down the hole with the debris of the great unwashed do you?” asked the promotional leaflet circled heavily in Gunnison in 2020. “The fledgling company had offered preferred rendezvous pickup, valet parking, private refuse plots, Lucky Landfill Points, 24-hour observation, elite fly control and gated access. 

“I guess nobody in Gunnyville is ready for these kinds of class distinctions,” one owner had sobbed over Cattlemen’s Days last summer. 

“The rich may let us down from time to time but that group is still the best option for making a quick buck all along the stupid scale. You sure can’t count on the poor.” 

Business Update

In a last minute development Bigfoote Tofu and Tattoo has brought down the final curtain after a solid two months in business – According to a hastily scribbled note on the window: “Gunnison just wasn’t ready for our progressive services”

Public notice: Mystic Road to Salvation Unltd. will cease sponsorship of all cockfights and rely solely on electric vehicles to get back and forth to Eternal Life responsibilities in Paradise as of 2035. Rev Rooster.

“Batten down the hatches – Katy bar the door with a river view? Fisherman’s Wart Bar and Lounge has reopened. Our very casual to lewd Lush Hour is from 2 – 3 all day long! You’ll never drink on dry land again! Coming in June: Fisherman’s Wart Bar and Lounge Two, located directly across the river. Ask about our pontoon food wagons. And, hey, wanna slam a few for the bar ditch? We paid off the cops —so down the hatch!

 

“So it’s not hard to see where the MAGA right’s admiration for Putinism comes from. After all, Putin’s Russia is autocratic, brutal and homophobic, with a personality cult built around its ruler. What’s not to like?”  

– Paul Krugman, in NY Times

apology – We mistakenly referred to a local gin mill as the Fisherman’s Wart when it is actually the Fisherman’s Wharf. We apologize for this honest mistake and continue to assert that the typo had nothing to do with the outstanding advertising bill from the Fisherman establishment.

Stationary self-motivation revolving butt kicker accessory

ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED FOR WINTER

(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

     “We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.

     Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

     “What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

     Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact. 

“Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”  

– Ambrose Bierce, from The Devil’s Dictionary

FISH HOUSE DAYS

The following conversations took place while Toole was employed at Gossman’s Dock, Montauk, New York in 1972. 

The cast was as follows: Jackie: Jacqueline Onassis;

Mick: Mick Jagger; Billy: Billy Joel; Carly: Carly Simon; Melvin: Melvin Toole

The scene opens early in the morning on a sunny day in July with a large crowd gathered at the entrance to the fish house. Some are there to spot a celebrity. Others are there simply to buy some fish.

Mick: How’s the flounder today?

Melvin: Quite good. We just hauled it in this morning. Probably the best catch we’ve had all week. I can let you have it for $8.99 a pound since we’re loaded with it.

Mick: Ducky. I’ll take three pounds. Got any steamers?

Melvin: Can’t you read the sign? No steamers.

Mick: Oh, yeah. Well give me some little necks then and a cup of Manhattan chowder.

Melvin: For here or to go?

Mick: Whatever…

Mick leaves with his fish meeting Carly on the way out the door.

Carly: Nice looking flounder.

Mick: Yeah and its on sale for $8.99 a pound

Carly: All right! (To Toole) I hear you’ve got some nice flounder.

Melvin: Who told you?

Carly: Why Mick Jagger. I ran into him on the way in.

Melvin: Oh. Yeah, and it’s as fresh as fresh can be. Caught it off Greenport. We just got it on the ice an hour ago.

Carly: I’ll take four pounds and maybe some steamers.

Melvin: No steamers (he motions toward the sign which reads: “No Steamers Today”.)

Carly: Oh, sorry. How’s the bluefish?

Melvin: It’s delicious. I had a few for breakfast on the way in from the Shagwong at dawn. Sushi quality, guaranteed.

Carly: I prefer it cooked. I’ll take a pound and a half.

Melvin: That will be $21 with the tax.

Carly: Thanks. See ya.

Now it’s Billy’s turn

Billy: Nice looking lobster. What’s the tariff?

Melvin: They’re $2.50 a pound. The nicest ones are about 2 to 3 pounds.

Billy: OK. Gimme three. Got any snapper?

Melvin: Tomorrow. The boys are out chasing it as we speak. How about some flounder?

Billy: Sure, why not. It looks good. Do you have any steamers?

Melvin: No (forgetting the sign this time) but I’ve got some nice cherrystones and some soft-shelled crab in from the Chesapeake.

Billy: What’s the best way to cook them?

Melvin: Steam them until they open up a little…About seven to eight minutes. Want some mussels to go with that?

Billy: Sure, why not, I’m rich.

Melvin: That comes to $42.59.

Billy: Here’s a fifty. Keep the change.

Melvin: Thanks. Now I can pay my rent.

Toole is ready for a break. He walks out onto the dock to catch a little sun. While doing so he sees one of his better customers stuck behind a gang of one-horse tourists and motions for her to come around through the employee entrance.

Jackie: Gee, I’ve never used an employee entrance before.

Melvin: Good morning, Mrs, Onassis. Are you here to buy fish or look at celebrities?

Jackie: What’s the difference?

Melvin: You’re asking me. What can I help you with?

Jackie: Aristotle is bring home a few business associates for dinner and I just don’t know what to cook.

Melvin: The last time I was on Crete everyone was chowing down on Red Mullet, Grouper and Squid.

Jackie: Got any Mackerel or Cod?

Melvin: (To himself: “Not very imaginative.”) Sure. We have both as well as some fresh-frozen striped bass.

Jackie: What does fresh-frozen mean?

Melvin: Too early to tell. Here’s the cod. It’s from out near Gardiner’s Island and is on sale today for $4.99 a pound. The Mackerel is only $3.99.

Jackie: Hmmmm. I guess I’ll take a pound of each and three lobsters.

Melvin: OK. Will there be anything else?

Jackie: You got any steamers?

– Kevin Haley

“It’s nothing more than a flesh wound…now back to your posts!”

– Confederate General Kashmir Horseshoe to his troops, after a Union cannon ball bounced off the side of his the head during the Battle of Meandering Thistle, May 1863.