Author Archive for M. Toole
US to bomb own infrastructure
(Warshington) The United States Air Force announced today that it would be diversifying its bombing routines. In a drastic departure from policies in effect since the First World War the U.S. military will begin bombing its own bridges, airports and interstate highways.
“We have decided to attack our own infrastructure instead of spending all that money on jet fuel to deliver a blow in another part of the world,” said General Worthington Bulbous, a Pentagon attachment. “The results are quite the same.”
Military analysts conclude that spending money on war instead of peace is mad medicine. They say that the U.S. could save millions by pulling in its horns and dropping its payloads on California and Michigan instead of Syria and Pakistan.
“We see arms salesmen from our own country making immoral profits on death and destruction yet nobody makes a stink,” said activist Hershelle Martini, of Make Breakfast Not War. “What these humanoids do in our name is deplorable. The country is falling by the wayside while these people fill their pockets. Our children are canon fodder. I’d like to listen to the eager hawks when they are homeless or worse.”
It was not clear if targets would be limited only to structures already in need of repair or if it would be expanded to include functioning facilities.
“Right now schools and hospitals are off limits,” said Bulbous, “but we all know about those silly clones. Some seem to have a mind of their own,” he said. This is simply a policy readjustment and is nothing to be concerned about at this time.”
Bulbous went on to say that the results of intensified bombing have never been established, yet with diverted expenditures for bombs and airplanes our infrastructure is falling apart.
“It’s a wash,” he explained. “We’d be just as far ahead dropping bombs here at home. It’s just a simple shift in logistics.”
When asked if the operation could be completed without further budget increases the general said, “It’s as easy as dumping Syrian chemical weapons into the sea.” – Fred Zeppelin
Chattered of late…
“All this top secret nonsense! So what if an outgoing President want to hang on to a few keepsakes even if they are sensitive militarily you know storage of nukes, troop movements, computer codes and passwords. What is the problem? The Dems just want to discredit our wonderful, terrific Donald and maybe Lindsey, Rudy, Greg, Ted, Steve and Jared down with him. But what of Marjorie and our little pawn, Lauren. Those bad old communist liberals are circling…Another witch-hunt targeting the good Christian white folks that make our nation the best in the world.”
– overheard in entirety at a recent GOP gathering, Maybelle, Colorado
“The king is dead! Long live the king!” – Medieval satire that often resulted in stark drawing and quartering if one was a peasant with a big mouth. – see Fun with Feudalism
Cloudy politics in the USA
My country is polarized and angry. Will the mid-terms give us any indication of who we are as a nation (or if we are still a nation)? Will voters see the big picture or continue to support petty ideas and jealous candidates that offer simple solutions (worthless) to mega problems (revolving). Shall we wallow in the trenches of Us and Them or will we build a country that guarantees freedom and dignity for all?
Voter Denial Season Starts Thursday
(Miami UPS) It’s been many moons since the Inaugural Ball and just about time for citizens who voted in the 2020 election to disclaim allegiances and dogged support of one candidate or the other.
Although official denial applications will not be collected until mid-October many from the johnny-on-the-spot electorate are wasting no time placing bids and repudiating voter behaviorisms.
Understandably the 2024 Presidential election is expected to get the most attention, especially considering the questionable antics within both major parties. However, over the past few decades ballot casters have made a point of denying November behavior in voting for senators and congressmen on the national and state levels. Some even flat out lie about the choices they may have made on election day.
“The honeymoon is over,” said Dr. Beatrice Minimonster, BGD, LSMFT, a fellow at Cal Polygamy Institute of Gov’ment here.
“Secret ballots are great since nobody but the voter himself knows how the punch card was completed. It allows registered voters to make a decision and then deny it later. It’s just another reflection on society as a hole.”
Minimonster added that many voters have already forgotten who they voted for back in November and they would probably not be participating in the mass denial. Others actually believed what the candidates were saying and thus forfeit all rights to denial.
“These poor souls deserve the kind of 3.2, lukewarm, limited-participation democracy that we now have in this country,” she continued.
Voters who plan to take part in the festivities are reminded that if they, for example, deny voting for Donald Trump common consensus suggests they voted for Joe Biden and visa versa.
“At this late date nobody is going to believe that anyone actually pulled the lever for Barry Goldwater, Ralph Nader, Hunter Thompson, Hillary Clinton, Adolf Hitler or Mickey Mouse for that matter.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Loose lips sink tips.” – traditional restaurant saying, Ouray
Raiders’ fans dress for Halloween?
Las Vegas dressers don more respectable attire for Halloween. Are they wrapped funny?
DENVER FAILS TO UNDRESS LINEMEN ISSUE
Did you hear that the Bronco offense gets a bye next week?
How can you tell?
Hefty loitering fine levied on Bronco line
(Mile High City) Exhuming a remote, little used aggravated loitering ordinance thought to have been created as a joke back in 1887, the City and County of Denver have sanctioned the offensive line and coaches associated with the professional football team that will hereby be referred to as the Denver Broncos.
Several of the coaching staff could face counts of entertainment fraud and the lack of insider trading.
“The performance has been tedious and not the least bit accommodating unless you like chaotic launches, stumble runs, and over crowding around the line of scrimmage,” said one councilman who rarely criticizes the franchise.
“It’s like going to a play where all of the players have forgotten their lines.”
Meanwhile Sectarians for Thought, a right-wing element that blames helmets for head injuries on the gridiron, is pushing for the passage of Sector Decree #611 which classifies derisive talk, witty ridicule or even a mocking tone regarding Bronco offensive linemen within the city limits.
Persons convicted of this remotely concocted venue could spend the rest of their lives driving on I-25.
-Fred Zeppelin
“I had the blues so bad one time
It put my face in a permanent frown
But now I’m feelin’ so much better
I could cake walk into town.”
-Taj Mahal
