150-Year Tango War Over

Peace in our time?

(Montevideo) Argentina and Uruguay have signed a final armistice ending a century-old fight over who created the Tango. In terminating hostilities, both sides have agreed to drop charges of cultural appropriation against the other.

Since the later 1800s, the two countries have been battling over the origin of the heady music and the passionate dance. Argentina claims the Tango began in the slums of Boca with the arrival of Italian immigrants, while Uruguay has always claimed that the original music was composed by an Uruguayan in Montevideo at about the same time. 

“We have been at odds for two and three generations,” said Horacio Cabralia, of Buenos Aires. Now these days of acrimony appear to be behind us.

Pillar DeSilva, a world champion tango artist from Rocha, Uruguay, says that despite lingering doubts it is time for the two nations to come together.

“It takes two to tango,” she quacked.

The action comes as part of an attempt by both sides to preserve the original elements of the dance. Variations have cropped up to due to the increased popularity of the tango all over the world.

Both Uruguay and Argentina have co-petitioned UNESCO to grant the tango world heritage status even though that invasive label often results in mass-tourism.

Despite a placating tone, both countries continue to insist that tango great, Carlos Gardel is native to their country. The Argentines say Gardel was born near Rosario in 1890, while the Uruguayans contend that his birthplace is in Tacuarembo, near the Brazilian frontier. Still others say he was born in France and was hiding out in South America to escape inscription in World War I.

Gardel, seen by some as the Big Bopper of Tango, was killed in a plane crash in Colombia in 1935 and a reported 200 female fans all over the world committed suicide when hearing the news. Today, especially in the Cafetera, it is quite  common to hear Tango mixed with Meringue, Salsa and Vallanato music in the cafes.

– Small Mouth Bess

Post Office Boxes Triple in Value

(Ouray) The appraised worth of the average post office box here has tripled in less than a year sending investors scurrying and leaving the average Joe more than a little confused.

     According to a filed assay computed over the past ten months, acquiring one of the unassuming little boxes has become a symbol of status to the Cadillac and caviar set. The correspondence receptacles, especially those with combination locks, have become quite desirable by the out-of-state elite driving the price up and making availability less and less. The published value has increased about three times faster than the appraisal listed on Victorians that litter the market here.

     “We have some months around here where there are more seekers than boxes,” said Lacy Tinkleholland, a postal spokesman here. “For years we couldn’t even give the things away and now the demand for them has exceeded our wildest dreams. It’s becoming obsessive with many of the box holders receiving a trickle of mail every week or so. If it weren’t for junk mail considerations we would repossess the boxes and reissue them to legitimate mail receivers.”

     Although plans are on the table to build 1000 new post office boxes construction costs are high and space is limited.

     “We can’t find suitable space that both allows easy year-round access and adheres to local covenants,” continued the source. “Our capacities are taxed beyond all tolerance. If this posture continues we will see the federal gov’ment stepping in and confiscating everyone’s mail.”

     Many people have taken to blaming what they call box pimps, people who encourage the transfer of postal boxes so as to earn a high commission on the transaction. Although quite legal these business arrangements have clearly driven up prices and left many a local out in the snow.

     “It’s bad enough that these newcomers insist on tying up all our boxes but now we’re dealing with zip code snobbery too,” added Tinkleholland who chronicled a stretch over the holidays where some 300 people applied for 81427 zip code access. “What’s wrong with 81432 or 81433? They are high altitude zips too. We’re far too busy handling mail to worry about these petty needs. Last week a part timer from Oklahoma became enraged when one of our people suggested she settle for 81423 or 81402!”

     It appears that post office boxes in Ouray will continue to shoot up in value with even the no-frills variety gobbled up as they hit the market. Some of the wealthier seekers have taken to hiring agents to hang out and watch the stock exchange/transaction board on a daily basis.

     Persons who have successfully sold post office boxes in other upscale communities are not the least bit put off by the spiraling prices that, like a demented corkscrew, have all but eliminated the working class as it jacks lives out of proportion in the name of elitism.

     Although downplayed in the lap-dog press, explosions and related sabotage believed to be the work of local anarchist groups, has become a daily ritual in such sleepy spots as Pea Green and Colona. Despite heightened security and  severe penalties for tampering these radicals appear intent on disrupting the services exploited by absentee owners and the downright squatters of venture landlordism.

     One longtime resident of Ouray says she doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about who holds postal boxes here.

     “What bothers me is all the older men standing around pretending to sort their mail when I bend over to open my box. Maybe I should apply for a larger, more private compartment that’s not so close to the floor,” she said. 

– Tommy Middlefinger

Learn while you drive

Special from the Juneau What

Next time you take a drive why not learn a little something and perhaps even graduate from college!

That’s the hope of Dr. Clara Mascara, who along with an esteemed panel of educators (or people who look like them) has established Billboard University.

B.U. actually consists of a network of thousands of billboards all across the country, each with an educational factoid. Even a short drive (minimum three miles) can earn an eighth of a college credit, while a cross country trek might qualify an attentive driver for a PhD.

Testing will be conducted in one of hundreds of combination testing facility/burger joint/coffee shops along major arteries. B.U. has contracts with everyone from your favorite fast food chain to that sleazy gas station on the corner with the dirty bathrooms.

     Sadly, this offer is not valid in Alaska (where this story has originated) due to laws prohibiting billboards in the North Country. Persons living there who want to learn can call The Juneau What to arrange times on their daily shuttle to the Lower 48. Sorry…No seniors.

-Pepper Salte

IRS OFFERS MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

If you are not happy about the way the federal gov’ment is spending your tax dollars you could qualify for a full refund, no questions asked. That, according to an unreliable source at the Internal Revenue Service, represents the most drastic tax reform seen in this country since the whole mess started in (please insert date here/optional). 

“The United States Treasury Department has now seen fit to offer these options in an attempt to bridge the credibility gap between taxpayers and the feds. Apparently the taxing agency is uncomfortable with the present arrangement harboring common fears that people will just say no when the annual fees are calculated.

“They want to project a more human face,” continued the source, who was recently retired and now lives in Colona. In addition to standout performances with a Chinese ledger sheet, he can wiggle his ears and was once presented the much coveted Best Shortstop Award in the Irrational League.

When contacted by phone another agent agreed with the summation.

“We’re here to clear up any misunderstanding on the subject of taxation,” said the agent who refused to be identified. “In short, just because we have our hand in your pocket doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

Taxpayers who wish to apply for a refund can do so by simply filling out the required forms and return them to the IRS before June 15, 2012. Applications received after this date will not qualify for the program at this time. We will retain these petitions but they could get lost in the shuffle.

“To be on the safe side why not get off your butt earlier for 2012 returns,” said the second source, “and save everyone a lot of headache.”

“The best place to see God is outside, in the garden. You can dig for him there.”

− George Bernard Shaw

Heroine Rescued From Tracks

(Editor’s note: The following story first appeared as “Heroin Rescued from Tracks” which was most likely a typo and for which we heartily apologize.)

A Victorian heroine, tied mercilessly to a stretch of forgotten track near Sams by an unknown mustachiod assailant,  was rescued by a constable of the Canadian Mounted Police just after dawn this morning. Wilfrena Platte, of 22779911776675 Road in Mousetown, was pronounced in good condition despite exposure to the elements.

Although facts are sketchy red-coated police say a mustachioed villain in a dark suit and stove-pipe hat was apprehended in a stand of pinion trees nearby. He was reportedly rubbing his hands together madly and checking his watch when police approached. Officers confirmed that they confiscated a whip and small pieces of rope matching the type used to secure Platte to the tracks.

“It’s a just incrimination when one cannot even count on the trains running according to schedule in these parts anymore,” said an attorney for the suspect. “This entire affair is a miscarriage of justice in that my client had only recently returned from a bad guy’s conference in LA and was still out of town at his grandmother’s funeral during a blinding snowstorm. I would like to show you proof but the dog peed on it.”

One Sams bystander put it best saying, “Ain’t been no trains running around here since I can’t remember when and although things worked out for Wilfrena it’s all a sad memory for the rest of us. We liked having the train come through Sams.”

It was not known why Canadian authorities, who only have jurisdiction in Canada, were operating here but local police welcomed their keen response. Both groups are of the opinion that the villain had tied the maiden to the tracks since she has refused to go out with him.

HOWDY LAW RESCINDED

(Montrose) Litigious howdy legislation, originally hammered out by the city council here in Pre-Walmart days, has been repealed by state authorities who claim sovereignty in matters of public interaction. The somewhat popular howdy edict had called for fines, and in sensitive cases incarceration, to be imposed on unfriendly citizens who didn’t say “Howdy” when passing their fellows on city streets.

Pedestrians unaccustomed to returning a greeting have been encouraged to get with the program or face the music,” said a current councilperson. “Social erosion and the loss of neighborliness are at stake here!”

With all of the new resident in these valleys we must enforce this edict,” said another proponent of the Howdy Law. “We must show them the high road or risk losing our souls.”

In another camp Rep. Greg Garias disagreed saying that if people don’t want to say hello it is their business.

“It’s not that I’m saying Colorado was friendlier before. It’s just that now we are more cosmopolitan, more diverse, more distracted,” said Garias sponsor of the controversial Make My Day Law. “Today we talk to machines and eat fast food. We consume in discount houses that smell of mutation and evil. In these days of drive-by shootings and home security systems if people don’t say Howdy or return a wave they shouldn’t face official castigation.”

Critics of Garias contend that he is mad but suggest that police departments are far too busy writing DUIs to undress to subject of social breakdown.

– Suzie Compost  

—–FLASH—–

Members of NATO expressed shock and awe today upon receipt of verification that many Third World countries are sitting on an immense cache of bows and arrows. The arsenal may even include battering rams, shields and catapults. Radical aggressors include Mexico, Bolivia, Tanzania, Malaysia and a defiant Wyoming,  feared to be armed to the teeth by anyone’s standards.

Further rumors strongly suggest that some of the more warlike my possess cross-bows, which are illegal in most parts of the civilized world as well as long-range spears camouflaged as surface-to-air missiles. 

There was no measured response this morning although sources at NATO promised to keep at least one firm eye on the growing confrontation.

Student Suspended for Bringing Book to School

(Carne Canyon) Tommy Middlefinger 12,, a problem child, was put on indefinite suspension after a loaded book was found in his locker at Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School here. Middlefinger had apparently taken the book from his father, who had left it lying around in full view of the adolescent. The little culprit was busted after he was observed flashing the book around in the lunchroom at at afternoon recess. 

“What we have here is a volatile situation in the making,” said LHO principal John Bookburne. “Imagine the chaos that would surely reign if every student brought just one small-caliber book into these hallowed halls. Soon teachers would have to arm themselves with books too,” he winced. “It would start with text books then escalate into all out war with  assault classics and long-range ballistic technical journals wheeled in for the kill!”

Bookburne went on to say that the schools are here to babysit and produce little robots for placement in society. 

“Most book have no place in education,” he said. 

Middlefinger’s parents have yet to be contacted since both are heavy readers themselves and were at the library at the time of the incident.

 “Somehow we aren’t surprised,” rattled Bookburne. Children learn by example.” 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Sure, there were several wise women in the Irish Channel, who seem to have been combination seers and midwives in most cases. Then there was a witch man named Buddy Lolliger who possessed the disagreeable ability to cause an automobile wreck merely by wishing it would happen.”

– descriptions of the New Orleans Irish Channel in the 1940s

from Gumbo Ya-Ya

SHOPPE FEATURES VICTORIAN MORALITY

(Ouray) Along with the ice cream cones, the horseback strolls and the jeep rides this mountain town is offering something truly unique this season…a taste of what it was really like back then. Victorian morals.

Although alive and well in places like Latin America this vague moral code has fallen from favor up North  Clashes with latter day puritans, the emergence of a consumer  middle class and purges peppered with guilt have all but driven this method of living from whispers in the hallway to denials in the alley.

The shoppe itself, aptly called Prince Albert’s Emporium, is named after the husband of Queen Victoria. In it the history buff will find flags from the Opium War, portraits of the queen, works by such great novelists as Charles Dickens and Thomas Hardy. Williams Butler Yeats, Oscar Wilde and Sean O’Casey are there too.

 The most fascinating items on display include a cuckoo clock once owned by Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone’s first real estate license. Proprietors Judy and Ed Balfour, along with their cousin the Marquis of Salisbury say the shoppe is doing well with most requests having to do with the surprising social structure of the time.

“The Victorians were very good at towing the line during the day and letting it all hang out after dark,” said Balfour. “The same gentleman who wouldn’t think of going to town without a tie and walking stick had a mistress in the closet. Victorian ladies, who believed chalk-white skin to be a sign of affluence and station might spend the entire afternoon immersed in novels like William Thackeray’s Vanity Fair which satirized English society life.”

“When winter comes we head to Rio de Janeiro,” he said, “where we operate our other business, Ferdinand and Isabella’s Boutique, which focuses on the social mores attached to the Spanish Inquisition. 

“In South America, where Victorian thinking is a day to day occurrence, we had to think of something out of the mainstream. Judy and I think we’ve hit a home run with all the heresy accessories, replica torture chambers, a wide assortment of hair shirts, and gifts of intolerance masked as nationalism. One particularly interesting treasure is a copy of the first Index Librium Prohibitorum translated into Yiddish. We think both stores promote the idea that no matter how hard society demands we play it straight there is always room for a little fun.”

– Jack Spratt

“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.”  – Alex Hamilton

GOP Opts Out of Climate

(What we think you need to know and will go to what many would see as extreme lengths to shove our ideas and opinions down your throat in a righteous fit of dismissal, disguised as the bettering of man.)

Supreme Quart confirms Know Nothing 

commitment to saving the planet. 

What They’re Saying Uptown….

“Too expensive, will kill jobs and it’s communist”, said one representative.

“Why would we pump money into something we can’t even see? Have you ever really seen an environment? It’s just more liberal propaganda,” he coughed. “Trying to tie the hands of business.”

“The country that  has made the biggest mess and should be leading the effort clean up the planet has vamoosed” – Lorna Doom.

“Republicans have given global warming a limo ride into town all right, said one speech making Democrat who has as yet failed to get off his ass. 

“The GOP has wasted precious time bungling, stalling and stuffing its pockets while the planet bakes. We see them every day in the chamber engaged in fake prayer. Their god is power and the gold that it brings,” she sputtered.

In other revolving action the SQ voted unanimously that White Privilege does not extend to vodka but that certain rums may be examined on a distinct basis. Moments later the judicial  body voted 5-3 (with one abstention) that there was no such thing as White Privilege in the country.

“It’s really quite laughable: How can people base their entire orientation and in some cases their very existence based on something you can’t even see,” commented one POX News anchor.

-Gabby Haze