American Cheese Slice Survives Century Mark

(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties in front of the post office on Friday afternoon.

“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some sort of extensive cash prize for his startling discovery.

Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers here are willing to go for foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese lasts longer,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture.

According to the maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.

“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like things the way they are here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else.”

– Jolly Pena