Amazon Acquires Christmas

(Montrose) On-line retailer, and now communications giant, Amazon has reportedly purchased Christmas for an undisclosed sum. The acquisition sent shock waves through major stock exchanges already paralyzed by news that the Afghani Poppy Cartel had been admitted to the Wall Street’s exclusive market.

What this often hostile buyout could mean for the age-old tradition of Christmas was not clear at the time of the report. Already most retail giants and the credit card companies have sought to placate the new owners with sales and other promotions aimed at selling more junk to the consumer. What the communications concern will do with Christmas for the rest of the year was not discussed.

“We just hope they don’t ship it out of the country do to lower overhead and a workforce that will toil for less than the traditional employees at the North Pole,” said one consumer advocate. 

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders welcomed the news for no apparent reason while President Trump tweeted about golf and North Korea.   

In reference to the Afghani quotes many brokers here say they under the assumption that it was poppycock, not poppy stock that was being considered.

All agree that margins for the agricultural commodity have risen sharply since the “elimination” of the Taliban. Poppies are cultivated all over Afghanistan with each pretty flower containing high quantities of opium which is then processed into heroin either there or who it arrives in the U.S..

“When the demand is that intense in U.S. and European markets, it will soon be reflected in ridiculous profits for some war lord or the other,” said a source on the floor here. “We just hope he’s an ally in the war against terror.”

– Marcelle Paisa 

 SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED

(Ridgway) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education here starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the Trump Administration the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation, denial and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping this segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control and good health.

Santa was chosen both because his very existence is also based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.

“All those elves must mean something,” said one teacher, “Our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem in accordance with Administration twisted yardsticks.”

Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position.

– Peter Salte

Snowbank Needs Donations

(Telluride) The local San Miguel County snowbank, a non-profit clearing house for all types of holiday charities is in need of donations. Canned goods, toys, usable clothing and cash are at the top of the list with Christmas only a wish away. Last year the fund collected more than $300,000 worth of loot that was distributed to poor families in the region.

Home of glitzy Telluride, San Miguel County is not considered to be a region plagued with poor people although, according to recently compiled statistics, a family of four making less than $100,000 per year is below the accepted poverty level and is qualified for assistance.

“Any moneys left over after December 25 will be earmarked for a knock-down holiday bash in downtown Cahone on New Year’s Eve,” said organizer Muffy Hollandaise of Lawson Hill. “The party is open to anyone no matter what their financial status but we will be checking fiscal statements at the door in hopes of securing pledges for next year.”

– Ripple Van Winkle

“You’re mad. bonkers. Off your head…but I’ll tell you a secret…all of the best people are.” 

– Alice in Wonderland