ALPINE ASTROGRAPH

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Small children can become hostile toward tattoos in the lazy afternoon. Flying coach is for morons. Double the pleasure for another this month by going away. Keep all plans vague and the fog lights on the dim switch. A pet is bored and may seek other accommodations. Get a second opinion on metaphysical matters. Spend time with household organics this evening.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Before jumping feet first into a joint endeavor remember that cultivation for the purpose of distribution is still illegal and can result in the confiscation of property and a jail term. Be smart, stick to alcohol and nicotine abuse, and leave the moralizing to the cops. Tonight: Hold off on that second career until you earn a paycheck from the first one.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Handle routine with alacrity. Going after intangible rewards may prevent tactile disappointments later on. Authority figures look better than you do in that skimpy bathing suit. It is always a better time spending someone else’s money. The Libran qualities of tact and courtesy will emerge today. Sadly, you are a Leo. Tonight: The uncanny ability to speak Algonquin through a soda straw could save you major embarrassment.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You exhibit incredible consistency in that everything is truly overwhelming. Reduce the risk factor by hiding indoors during daylight hours. Avoid mass transit, bicycle paths, dog classes and depressing conversations at happy hour. Ooops…Looks like it’s time to focus on personal hygiene again. Make an important decision this morning. If you cannot afford a decision the court will appoint one for you.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t spend valuable time analyzing every situation down to the marrow. The guy in the produce aisle does not systematically stack pears and apples by number and weight. The telephone operator does not memorize all the numbers in the Colona phone book. Counting cracks in the ceiling is not considered disturbed in the present culture. It is always better to be obsessive compulsive than compulsive obsessive, or is it? Tonight: Blackbird pie.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
A romantic interlude will sputter, stagger, limp, crash and burn right before your blood-shot eyes. Alcohol could help prop up a failing ego but only if you keep drinking. Stop repeating yourself. Intelligent people will surely get the message the first time. Stop repeating yourself. Simplify travel plans by staying in the bathtub until pruned. Tonight: Stop repeating yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Although you generally say the right thing, it’s to the wrong person. Build a better mousetrap and someone will jack up the price of cheese. Is your head half full or half empty? The days are getting longer but your attention span is not. Visit an incarcerated relative. Sticking your neck out may not amuse the hangman. Wash your hands thoroughly after exhibiting good judgment.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Jumping out of an airplane is fine. Just make sure it has left the ground first. Never rent a house to transient dog handlers! Complete all hangovers. Keep plugging away at life. Persistence is the key. Compensation will come in good time. Then you can kick back and enjoy the limelight armed with the proper sunscreen. Please gargle before exhaling. Tonight: Draw the grapes.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Nuke the Moonies and Moon the Nukies! Morning worship is not defined as two hours in front of the mirror. Wash your heavy loads on the gentle cycle. Do something nice for livestock. Beware of whiskered men carrying machetes. Keep to the gutter and avoid a lot of extracurricular socialization. You have no right to walk up here on the sidewalk with the rest of us. Tonight: Ripe mangos at five feet.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Roll up your sleeves and get your fins into your work. Summer is a good time to add those little artistic touches that you have been thinking about in your abode. Change the color of the little coral pebbles, try tinted glass for more privacy, add a few shells and check the water temperature. Be sure to stay in the little net during cleaning time. Oops! Don’t get so near to the filter…Oh no! Oh, well…Easy come…easy flow.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Experiencing chronic cabin fever in the middle of May does not forecast a satisfactory winter. Health problems will subside with a biotech diet. Is that a tomato in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? The planet Mercury has assumed a forward motion but your Cougar has four flat tires. Relax, lot’s of people with six fingers do fine in government work. Bio-diversity is only one of the answers. None of the others even took the trouble to get hyphenated)

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Pursue pleasure. You will run into enough pain without exerting any unnecessary effort. The world is a coin-op video game and you are stuck with only folding money. Be receptive and not deceptive while outflanking anal-receptive tendencies. Taking advice from strangers based on astrological movements and ancient constellations will get you nowhere fast. Listen to your parents. Tonight: Wander the lawn till dark.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Astrosurfer.