Scribe Tied to North Korean PR Firm

Self-Indictment? An example of Toole’s dirty work, penned for Kim-Jong-il during his tenure in Pyongyang.

(Colona) Peninsular Journalist Melvin Toole has been linked to a rogue public relations firm that once represented named Kim Jong-il, the father of Kim Jong-un.

Asian experts, who have been observing Kim Jong-un with a new degree of intensity since the crisis over nuclear weapons went into overdrive last year, agree that the North Korean leader is easily as dangerous as anyone in the current White House.

“We have been mining Kim’s vast experiences with everyday reality to come up with a working personality sketch that might further predict erratic behavior in Pyongyang,” said one political source in Japan. “Kim is what we like to call turnip cart nuts in diplomatic terms which does not disqualify him from elected or inherited power.”

Whether Toole was complacent in sharing sensitive information with North Korea or simply a stooge of his own delusions will be determined in the Hague next week.

Meanwhile Chinese Prez Xi Jinping appears to be positioning himself from potential blowback from the slogan scandal. Like many in the Trump Whitehouse, Jinping has never filed for status as the agent of a foreign power registered as a foreign agent.

Aides to the Chinese leader say he didn’t feel the need to fill out more paperwork at a time when nuclear warfare was on the table.

Toole, clearly responsible for such slogans as We may eat gras for dinner but we’ve got nukes! and Dear Leader – The only god you’ll ever need did not return our tweets this morning.

In the A bomb of our own campaign his halting hand is evident if not in the headlines then in the stuttering body copy. The mindless pentameter is unmistakably his as are the all too common sickly sweet melodies.

“His touch seems apparent,” said former copy writer and critic, Tommy Middlefinger, who adds that a favorite, He’s not just a man in an oversized suit coat, never made it to Korean TV but was a hit on commercial radio in China.

Toole expands on the rough slogans to further explain that Eating grass makes you strong (a play off a Wheaties ad) and the popular ballad: On a Clear Day We Can Reach San Francisco.

One release attempts to place Dear Leader in a better light. I am not going to eat this entire cow and this rack of lamb, these eight lobsters and this pork roast because I love my people.

Internationally the situation remains tense with propaganda replacing logic and threats dominating diplomacy.

North Korean copywriters have rarely had the opportunity to write much in the United States because the gifted ones have been shot by Kim Jong-un, Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea. Others have been shunned by the American mainstream due to the sordid case history of one Kim Kimo-Baby, a defector who arrived in the US just prior to the Korean War.

Kimo-Baby has since been indicted for selling classified ads to Joe Stalin in 1952 and arranging for the same Soviet dictator to have his mustache cleaned at a Bay Ridge (New York) dry cleaner shortly before his death in 1953.

Kim, allegedly the first Korean to it 65 homers in a season, is currently serving a life sentence for bilateral espionage (and failure to run out a fly ball) somewhere in New Jersey.

“Toole deserves the garrote for his insolence and grave noncompliance ,” said one prosecutor, “but he his well-carved talents will no doubt endure. He will probably end up writing ads for the insurance or pharmaceutical industry.”

Rumors that Kim Jong-on had suggested a diplomatic swap involving Toole for a minor league prospect in the Korean Maritime League were angrily shouted down in the House last night before bed.

– Fred Zeppelin

“Religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quiet.”

– Napoleon Bonaparte