Vegetarians Routed at Pork Loin Flats

(Muttontown) One of the last remnants of insurgent vegetarians, led by the madcap General Armand Tofu, were soundly whipped by the combined forces of Jose Carnivores, the Hero of Civiche Creek, near here last night.

The victorious troops, including contingents of the elite Swedish Meatball Division and the Porterhouse Cavalry swept down on the sleeping herbivores, catching most with their hands up and their pants down.

In addition to the swift victory, some 60 tons of fruit, grain, nuts and seeds were seized. According to Colonel Joaquin Giblet, commandant of mopping up operations, the contraband had been stores below ground beside an estimated 3000 pounds of rotting tomatoes picked in Mexico and shipped green to US markets.

“We figure the tomatoes were earmarked for the fodder of so many artillery barrages and might have been used in ham-to-ham fighting,” he quipped.

Generally herbivores do not engage in such tactics unless desperate, leading red meat loyalists to believe the end of the fighting is near. It is further surmised that radical vegan elements have already left the field and will no longer threaten the right and left flanks of the meatball division.

Military analysts suggest that the battle may have been over before it commenced since virtually the entire vegetarian contingent was swallowed up by the larger invading force. Elite beans and rice corps, kept in reserve on the side, were ineffective in a final thrust aimed at repelling the cavalry. Most were quickly captured and sautéed in a classic hammer and anvil movement.

The much-feared Soybean Boys, a volunteer regiment formed across the Muskmelon River during the Kohlrabi Uprising of ’48 were surrounded and steamed before they could get out of their tents while sentries scattered in the face of a furious onslaught led by Kid Marinade and his advancing Tar Tar shock troops.

The entire operation, conducted against the grain, took about 3 hours at 350 degrees. It was subsequently served with buttermilk biscuits and local fruit on a bed of wild rice.

– Mickey Meate