Kamikaze Attacks Up Again in June

(Colona, CO — Downtown Wildlife Review — July 9, 2106)

Motorists have been warned after a sharp spike in desperate attacks on our highways in June. Two terrorist groups, RVers and mule deer, have been singled out as the ruthless culprits in these violent incidents.

Called Kamikaze attacks by state and federal authorities the action has prompted clone surveillance, beefed up patrols, arrests, promises and a lot of whitewashing, common to gov’ment entities from large to small. Although there were attacks over the winter these rascals of the road prefer to do their dirty work when the weather gets warmer.

A Kamikaze is now defined by Websters as 1. the average senior citizen operating a vehicle 17 times the size of his head without the clear, steady vision needed to find his false teeth. 2. Driving something that you do not completely control in a state of semi-consciousness.

“It’s more than thrill seeking,” said one social scientists that has studied this phenomenon for 30 years. “This is systematic destruction without provocation is somehow attached to some twisted belief in road warrior justice and bent revenge for something that happened in the past. We don’t know what that could be but we’re working to disclose the data once we find it.”

The Colorado Highway Patrol suggests the employment of evasive tactics if one encounters a kamikaze. Do not panic. Pass on the left. Give it full throttle and watch for stragglers on the shoulder. Use anti-aircraft mounts (see operator’s manual) and implants when the target comes into view and always remember that you are dealing with a desperate adversary.

– Rufus Maxwell